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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think its extremely rude, and I'm sick and tired of people telling me I'm lucky I had a "healthy" baby?

134 replies

MoveYourArmsLikeHenry · 14/09/2013 13:10

Hi everyone I am new here and really need to vent I'm afraid.

I am an autistic parent to a beautiful 7 week old son. His dad, my DH, has a congenital heart disease and is registered disabled as he has other disabilities too.

Throughout my pregnancy all I heard was "what if your baby inherits DHs condition" and/or "what if baby has autism?" Hmm

Some of these people are my close family and friends and I have no idea what the hell gives them the right to say these awful horrible things to me.

My son was absolutely perfect when he was born. No "abnormalities", no "defects". Obviously we can't rule out autism until he's a bit older. And even then im not going to be watching his every move to see if its "normal or not" Confused Even if he did have any of these so called "problems" he would still be perfect to me and DH! So why oh why do people feel the need to tell us that we are "lucky he was born healthy."? Seriously, it makes me so angry! It's offensive to me and DH and to parents of disabled children and also to disabled parents.

SIL was one of the charming people who said this to use and before my husband could get a word in I snapped at her and told her to stop being so fucking horrible and to fuck off out of our house! She is now not talking to me. I am not really bothered tbh just want to be left in peace to enjoy our gorgeous new son.

Can't for the life of me understand why people would say such vile things. All children are beautiful no matter their circumstances.

OP posts:
OddBoots · 14/09/2013 17:10

I understand what you mean, it's very hard when you have a disability and people say that kind of thing as it is an implied attack on your own identity.

That said, is SIL your dh's sister? If so then she probably saw his childhood close up and will have feelings reflecting from that, particularly if she saw him in pain or their parents upset.

ithaka · 14/09/2013 17:12

YABU, but I see you have apologised to your SIL, so well done.

Honestly, I cannot image telling anyone to 'stop being so fucking horrible and to fuck off out of our house!' In speaking to people like that, you become automatically wrong, even if you are right.

Time to build bridges and move on. Congratulations on your new baby.

Dominodonkey · 14/09/2013 17:20

Yabu but you seem to have accepted that anyway.
Slightly detailing the thread but its not true that everyone wants their baby to be 'healthy'. Some people may recall a case a few years ago where a deaf couple were hoping their child was deaf. They said they thought he dead world was better than the hearing one.

Kleinzeit · 14/09/2013 19:01

Congratulations on your new baby! I think you have good reason to be feeling sensitive. “what would you do if baby was born with a disability” is a horrible question to ask any mother-to-be. Any one of us can have a babe with a disability, and new mums and new babies can need extra help for all sorts of reasons. It’s one thing to ask “do you have people to call on if you need help, is there anything I can do?” But asking any pregnant woman “what would you do if baby was born with a disability” is just plain rude.

I’m kind of on-the-fence about “so long as he’s healthy”. But in the circumstances it’s very tactless. Why can’t people just say “what a gorgeous baby”?

(Glad you’re making up with your SIL though)

maddening · 14/09/2013 19:12

yanbu - especially when it is dh's family - they love him regardless of his disability - as they would do your dc regardless of disability - but they have seen the impact on their cherished brother/son etc and would rather you dc didn't have to go through it.

IfYouLeaveMeNow · 14/09/2013 20:00

Personally, I think YANBU. If you did not have autism and you partner did not have a heart condition, no comment would have been made about how 'lucky'you had been. I am guessing that you are feeling judged for having dared to have a baby given the risks you faced - and that this 'recklessness' is now being noted by others in their observation that you have been lucky. Point out how offensive they are being,

PeppiNephrine · 14/09/2013 20:14

I have a child with a disability and count myself very lucky that my other children don't. This does not mean there is anything wrong or bad about my disabled child, but I can't imagine anyone objecting to be called lucky to have a fully healthy baby. You are so lucky. Wouldn't it be great if we were all so lucky?
Offensive? Wow. Hmm

DeWe · 14/09/2013 21:22

When you have a family member with a disability it does bring home to you how lucky every healthy baby born is. You realise how many things can go wrong and in so many different ways.
It wasn't something I thought about prior to the scan that revealed dd2's physical disability, but something that cannot be erased after that realisation.

It isn't genetic, enviroment, taking drugs, eating the right sort of food... it is pure and simple luck getting the healthy baby.

If dd2 does get pregnant, I am sure that will be at the back of our minds, not just mine, but hers and her siblings. As far as we know her condition is congenital-but we will still have the worry there that maybe there is a genetic element and it could come out again.
Dd2 knows that her condition has brought her oportunities that she wouldn't have got otherwise, and she very rarely misses out either. But I am certain that she will not wish her children to be the same as her, and will feel they are lucky to be (assuming) they are healthy.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 14/09/2013 21:25

My DD has autism..she is also pretty healthy.

It is a tactless thing to say to you..I understand why it gets to you a bit

Twattybollocks · 14/09/2013 21:27

Yabu. I have hypermobility as does dd1 and very likely (judging by the laxity of her joints) does dd2. I love them both utterly but it would be a lot better for them if they hadnt inherited my shitty joints and have a lifetime of discomfort ahead of them. I wouldn't love them any more if they had normal joints but if someone had said to me we were lucky they hadn't inherited my condition I'd agree wholeheartedly.

IceBeing · 14/09/2013 21:32

I think YANBU...

IF someone said to me, "hey you are so lucky your DD didn't turn out like you", they would either have to be a very VERY close trusted friend or they would be shown the door.

Saying 'I am glad your DC is healthy' is fine. Saying 'I'm glad your DC isn't like you' really isn't....tone makes a big BIG difference...

FirstStopCafe · 14/09/2013 21:39

Congratulations on your baby. I'm sorry you've found people's comments insensitive but I also think YABU. My daughter was born with a congenital heart defect. She died following surgery. In my eyes everyone who has a healthy child is lucky.

My son had a heart scan following birth to check he didn't have the same condition as his older sister. He doesn't and I cried tears of joy and relief when I found out.

I'm glad you're going to apologise

MaxineQuordlepleen · 14/09/2013 21:50

Welcome to Mumsnet. AIBU is possibly not the best place to start Smile

YANBU

Totally agree with Spork's post. No need to spill their own anxieties all over you.
And why does someone's justifiable anger have to be about "hormones" all the time?

FamiliesShareGerms · 14/09/2013 21:51

I think lots of people do say that you are lucky to have a healthy baby, because it really isn't that long ago (ie within my Mother's generation) that many babies weren't born healthy and / or there were fairly regularly serious complications with the birth impacting on the mother. I really think we forget that it is thankfully rare in this country how often a father is asked by the doctor "baby or mother?"

zatyaballerina · 14/09/2013 22:16

yabu, it's not about you, it's about your child. HE is the lucky one not to have inherited a congenital heart disease and/or autism. Most parents want their children to be healthy because they love them and want them to live a long, happy, healthy life. People are congratulating you on the assumption that you want the best for your child and are happy that he has been very fortunate with his health. You're supposed to care.

allforoneandoneforall · 14/09/2013 22:18

YABU - Surely you are grateful that your baby has not, from what you can tell so far, inherited any health conditions? You ARE lucky he is healthy, anybody caring for a sick or a disabled child will tell you that, I'm one of them! We all want the best of health for our children. You are TOTALLY misreading a common expression. The "what will you do" questions when pregnant were likely to see how you would cope - Stop being silly and apologise to your SIL, who I am sure did not mean to offend you or DH.

Pixel · 14/09/2013 22:31

But no one asks 'what will you do?' questions of non-disabled parents-to-be do they, that's the point. Any one of us could have a baby with a disability but we don't expect people to keep on pointing out that fact while we are actually pregnant! Saying you are glad it's healthy after the birth is different, granted, and OP is probably being over-sensitive there but I expect she was just sick of the comments by then.

StanleyLambchop · 14/09/2013 22:32

My DC1 was born with a heart condition. In the early years of her life we as a family went to Hell & back. I would not wish it on anyone. So yes. YABU and I would gladly swap a few disagreeable comments for my child to have a 'normal' heart.

If my DC does have a child when she grows up, and the child is healthy and does not also have the same condition, I would consider that lucky and be thanking my lucky stars to have a healthy baby in the family.

I am glad you are making up with your SIL so that you can all enjoy your lovely DS.

marriedinwhiteisback · 14/09/2013 22:34

Aw rosduk times must be tough for you at present. DS1 is almost 19; DS2 would have been 16 this summer. DD was 15 this summer. Distance helps it heal and good things happen again. [Thanks]

Original poster
MoveYourArmsLikeHenry · 14/09/2013 23:03

Thank you everyone for replying.

As several previous posters said, I think I got a bit annoyed with the all "what will you do" questions that when DS was born without any problems, I expected people to stop talking about the problems that could have occurred, and just told us normal things that you say to new parents like "isnt he lovely" etc. if that makes sense?

Even when we had the scans and were told that everything looked normal, a few people (including SIL) said to us "scans can't pick up abnormalities all the time you know" and this saddened me. After all, would you say that to a non-disabled expecting couple? Not usually, no.

Yes I was U to say those things to SIL and have apologised and we are ok now. But I still feel people should keep the lucky comments to themselves tbh.

By the way sorry if my thread offended anyone. Was certainly not my intention. Just needed to vent.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 14/09/2013 23:06

Move

People do say that to non disabled couples because some people are incapable of keeping thoughts inside their own heads.

Glad things are mended with your SIL. She's probably had a think herself and can see why her comment upset you.

GailTheGoldfish · 14/09/2013 23:08

I think Pixel is on track here - I'm sure that if a person who wasn't disabled started a thread saying "my SIL keeps going on about what disabilities my baby might have" everyone would say how insensitive she was. And this from Oddboots upthread:
I understand what you mean, it's very hard when you have a disability and people say that kind of thing as it is an implied attack on your own identity.

Viviennemary · 14/09/2013 23:12

People certainly aren't meaning to be hurtful when they say you are lucky to have a healthy baby. All parents hope their child is healthy. It would be mad to think otherwise. But if they are going on and on about it then they are being insensitive.

Original poster
MoveYourArmsLikeHenry · 14/09/2013 23:20

Thank You gail and vivien your posts made me feel alot better.

I'd like to also add that in my previous posts about scans, I meant normal pregnancy scans. Obviously this is a very exciting time in the expectant parents lives, so to hear things like "scans don't pick up everything. Doesn't mean baby won't have a disability because it seems clear" was very hurtful :(

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 15/09/2013 06:54

I think that you have to realise that people open their mouths without deep thought. If you are feeling sensitive you can be easily hurt by something that wasn't intended and the person who said it would be mortified if they knew.

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