To think its extremely rude, and I'm sick and tired of people telling me I'm lucky I had a "healthy" baby?

[MoveYourArmsLikeHenry]

Hi everyone I am new here and really need to vent I'm afraid.

I am an autistic parent to a beautiful 7 week old son. His dad, my DH, has a congenital heart disease and is registered disabled as he has other disabilities too.

Throughout my pregnancy all I heard was "what if your baby inherits DHs condition" and/or "what if baby has autism?"

Some of these people are my close family and friends and I have no idea what the hell gives them the right to say these awful horrible things to me.

My son was absolutely perfect when he was born. No "abnormalities", no "defects". Obviously we can't rule out autism until he's a bit older. And even then im not going to be watching his every move to see if its "normal or not" Even if he did have any of these so called "problems" he would still be perfect to me and DH! So why oh why do people feel the need to tell us that we are "lucky he was born healthy."? Seriously, it makes me so angry! It's offensive to me and DH and to parents of disabled children and also to disabled parents.

SIL was one of the charming people who said this to use and before my husband could get a word in I snapped at her and told her to stop being so fucking horrible and to fuck off out of our house! She is now not talking to me. I am not really bothered tbh just want to be left in peace to enjoy our gorgeous new son.

Can't for the life of me understand why people would say such vile things. All children are beautiful no matter their circumstances.

Thanks for your replies. Maybe it was a bit over the top, but I just got so fed up in my pregnancy of people asking me what we would do if baby was born with a disability.

And then you took it all out on your SIL. Throwing her out of your house, it's not a surprise she isn't talking to you.

I get where you're coming from but you are being over sensitive and I think you need to apologise or at least explain that to her.

but I just felt like people where implying that we would be "unlucky" if he was born with DHS disability, that's all.

Perhaps it's not about you? (meant in the nicest possible way)

They're probably implying that your child would be unlucky to be born with a disability.

And that makes sense because you wouldn't purposely wish something like that on a small baby, would you?

I think my DH handled it better, as he fundamentally thinks most people are muppets anyway, so he expects them to say stupid things .......! I, on the other hand, was ridiculously sensitive at everything especially from well-meaning people. He keeps me grounded and is great for listening when I mouth off about such situations!

I feel lucky that so far there's no sign that DD has inherited my terrible lazy eye. If she does she does but it doesn't mean I can't hope she doesn't IYSWIM?

I agree, I've said on here before that it really upsets me when people say 'as long as it's healthy'. So your child is born disabled or ill so you don't love or want him all of a sudden?

Why would this upset you?

Everyone wants their child to be healthy and it doesn't mean they love them any less if they are not. Probably means they love them more because they feel more protective over them.

Raising a child is a hard job to do and to watch your child grow up facing difficulties because they have a disability must be extremely painful. It does not however mean you love them less.

I think those questions are pretty rude and insensitive and can see why you feel the way you do. I agree with SPB that they sound (to me) like loaded questions implying irresponsibility.

When I was pregnant, blood tests indicated that there was a 1 in 6 chance that my son might have Downs syndrome. He doesn't have it and we are all delighted that he doesn't, irregardless of the fact that we would have loved him anyway!

Everybody wants a healthy baby surely, whether you feel equipped to deal with potential health problems or not. I don't think it was an outlandish comment for your sil to make.

Congratulations on your newborn.

But, yabu and oversensitive.

Is it not better to have a healthy baby, as opposed to one with a heart defect? I am sure most people would agree that a healthy baby is preferable to the opposite. Like the others have said, you dont love an unhealthy or a disabled baby any less, but you would more likely get some extra worries and concerns that parents of healthy babies dont have. And this is what they wish for you, to not have the worries and concerns that parents of disabled children will have.

All parents of course have worries and concerns, but I imagine that you have more worries if your child (and in time, toddler, primary child, teenager, young adult) has a disability.

My friend had the most terrible pregnancy, her baby was growing inside her, but they could not find the heart... They heard a faint heartbeat, they just could not locate any actual heart. When her baby was born they discovered that this was because for some strange reason the babys inside was mirrored and a bit "different", and he has his heart on the right side of his body, not the left! All the tests he needed, and scans, and all her worries, is not something I wish on any parent, to be honest.

Try to see it in the kind way it was meant, and not a criticism of you and your dh as parents!
People who say this most likely do not look upon either of you as disabled, or having autism, you are just YOU, and most of all, a new mum and dad.

Pay no attention to these people and enjoy your baby. They are obviously a bunch of gobshites!

Congratulations on your fab new baby and enjoy your time with him xxx

Thanks for your input everyone. Much of the time I am over-sensitive due to the autism, of course having a baby without DHs condition is a positive thing, but, I don't know, I think it's offensive to point it especially to him.

Meh, maybe it's the hormones and/or autism

And to those ladies who told me about losing their lovely children I'm so sorry to hear that.

Actually I think YANBU.
I would probably react in the same way tbh.

It's not just the comment but also the fact that your DH illness and your disability has had so much focus during your pg. It would make me feel very uneasy as if it was a way for people to say that these disabilities are horrible and have to be avoided at all cost and what about if your dc, who should be perfect, would have it, ie will not be so perfect.
It would also imply some sort of responsibility as you the parents as to why the child is 'unhealthy' ie not so perfect.
I mean if these disabilities were indeed genetic only and were life threatening, you could understand the need to think about having a child who could have any/all of these conditions before having children. A comment after says that you have taken unnecessary risks by having a dc and that you are lucky he didn't 'get it'. Very different attitude.

No one would say that to a couple who has no disability at all. The comment would just be 'Oh look at that gorgeous baby!' and that's it.

Oh, and whilst I didn't ever say quite what you said to anyone, normal post-natal tiredness and hormones coupled with your (natural) anxieties about your Baby and sensitivity to what others are saying as well as your daily challenges means I understand why you said what you did, but I do hope you can find a way of maintaining relationships with family and friends even if you have to take a lot of deep breaths as you do so!.

Doesn't everyone that has a healthy baby feel lucky?

Wouldn't we all choose to have a child free of health or developmental problems?

Taking offence at people telling you that you're lucky seems irrational to me.

I think all of us get fed up with the way that a new baby is treated as public property, and I sometimes felt like sticking a sign on top of the buggy saying things like :-

'Actually they're both girls, it's just that MIL gave me two lovely blue pram blankets'

'Strangely enough I'd noticed they weren't identical too'

'You are the 37th person today to say "Double Trouble" and laugh like it was the wittiest remark ever made'

'It's very nice that your second cousin twice removed had twins back in 1987 but I'm not really up for listening to exhaustive details of them'

That sort of low level inanity really gets on your wick after a while, and the sort of thoughtless remarks you've been getting would make my blood boil too.

Having said - hormones really do make us a bit savage at this time, and if you have autism, you may well be finding it much more difficult to understand that most of these remarks have come from cack-handed love of you and your family rather than malice.

To all the people who say 'BUT you ARE lucky to have a healthy baby' have anyone told you how lucky you are to have a healthy child when he/she was born?

I bet no unless
1- some possible abnormality was discovered during the pg
2- one of the parent have a condition that is genetic.

In truth we should all feel lucky to have a healthy child but most people take that for granted.

I hear what you are saying OP but a bit of me thinks yabu.

You are lucky in a way that there are no abnormalities or defects.

I think there is so much that can go wrong with a baby anyone that has one that has nothing wrong like this is lucky.

Also you do have a lot on your plate and if you had a baby with complications it would have added more worry and stress to what you already have.

My DS is blind, no speech, severe Autism but on no medication as he is very placid and pleasant and in no pain or long term health problems after being born at 24 weeks and 1lb 11oz. You are 'lucky' whatever the fuck that means.

My mum put a sign on my pram saying "DO NOT TOUCH HER HAIR!"

I looked like goldilocks. Golden blond cork screw curls in abundance. People would stretch out a curl and just go "ping!" She was so sick of strangers touching my hair and commenting.

I was not a baby, but a toddler at the time. But I think from times memorable people have commented on children.

PartyOrganizer Yes.

Even if my pregnancies were normal and there were no concerns, I was still told I was lucky to have a healthy baby boy. Maybe they were really trying to console me that I had not produced a girl?
My mum could not rest until she had counted fingers and toes for herself, and investigated that the ears were "ok and well formed".

I understand your point OP, but I do think you need to apologise to your SIL. I would be very upset if I made a harmless well-meaning (if slightly inane) comment and someone told me to fuck off.

Yabu.

Also I'm sure of all people your DH is the most relieved your baby hasn't inherited his heart defect given it seems to have caused him quite a bit of suffering.

Are you going to apologise to your sil?

My children both have autism. My eldest also has erbs palsy and my youngest also has adhd.

Never in my whole life have I ever uttered or heard from anyone else the words "I hope my baby gets stuck in the womb and is left with a lifelong partial paralysis of their arm." or "My, wouldn't it be great if my child had such severe autism co morbid with adhd that they would need livelong residential care and will in all probability never marry, be loved or have a child of their own"

Do I love my children - hell yes. Fiercely. I am their mother, their advocate, I fight for them day in day out.

Do I wish that they didn't have autism, adhd, erbs palsy, asthma, anaemia... hell yes. I wish they stood a chance of someday living independent lives, would find love, would have good jobs, buy houses, have children, not have a support worker to help them live day to day.

Do I think less of them because they do have those things? Certainly not and I would take a stick to anyone who suggested otherwise.

You play the hand you're dealt and you love the children you have, but would someone choose disability over no disability? really? Why? Because it's certainly not because that makes for the easiest life for the child.

People who say things like glad they're healthy aren't criticising you. You're hearing them say it and interpreting it as some sort of criticism of you, but that's not what it is. nor is it in any way saying that children with disabilities aren't beautiful.

But yes, it's one of those things that people really shouldn't say because it does have the potential for people to feel like it is saying that disabled = ugly/wrong. But of course you hope that every child will be 'healthy' - what kind of person would hope for anything else?

YabVVu, these people may not have had any malicious intentions by saying this. Are you not happy that the baby has no conditions so far? You should think about apologizing to your SIL, as your reaction was ott and rude.

As with Married in white- We lost our little boy last nov at 27 weeks after an emergency cesarean for an unstable heart rate. He died 2 hours later of lack of oxygen as the chord was round his neck and had he survived they said he would have had disabilities.

SO many people, including my well meaning parents have tried to make me feel better by telling me how tough it would have been looking after him. I personally would rather have my little boy, disability or not, however, I can see what they are saying, I disagree- but it is well intentioned.

Yes I am going to apologise to SIL.

But tbf she didn't just say "you're lucky ds is healthy", she said something more along the lines off " thank god ds isn't like DH." And I found that upsetting :( .

But yes, I will apologise.

To the posters pointing out it is a bit like implying that DH and I were irresponsible for getting pregnant, yes that is how I felt, so thats part of the reason why I felt angry.