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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get pissed off with folk who say they can't afford to get married?

244 replies

MmmmWhiteWine · 11/09/2013 23:37

I have a friend who has been with her fiancé for ~10 years. They have 2 children together and seem v happy together. But she is always going on about how she wishes they could get married but they just can't afford it. However her idea of a wedding seems to be a massive, formal do, stag and hen abroad etc, etc.....just a massive expense really.

AIBU (and really old fashioned) to think that weddings don't need to cost a king's ransom and that they shouldn't be using finances as the excuse why they "can't" get married?

OP posts:
Snatchoo · 12/09/2013 13:22

puffy so actually you can afford a wedding but not the one you want? Being married is not as important as doing it in a church?

This is something I cannot fathom.

ItsaTIARA · 12/09/2013 13:33

I'm not going to believe that the minimum cost of a registry office wedding is 500 quid without a link to prove it. Everywhere I know does the basics (two lots of bans + the ceremony) for about 100 quid. If you want to go to a different venue, or book the main council chamber then you'll suddenly rack up another 350 quid.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a huge party to celebrate your wedding. If you're childless and financially independent of each other then sure, wait until you've got 20 grand to splash on it if it will make you happy.

But I worry that there are some women with children whose desire for that huge party and their princess moment is risking their financial security as they delay getting married.

sameoldIggi · 12/09/2013 13:39

Snooping, I agree - though not sure what the 'miss' thing means? I've been Ms both before and after marriage.

Snatchoo · 12/09/2013 14:01

Me too Iggi Confused

Sparklingbrook · 12/09/2013 14:27

Good point tiara, thinking long term is important. the money spent on the wedding could be the sort of amount that tides you over on maternity leave.

You will come back from the honeymoon and need some money for your new life together.

ImpatientOne · 12/09/2013 15:39

When I was planning our wedding I spoke to lots of people about what they remembered from weddings they had been to in the past as a way of prioritising what we should focus our money on to make it enjoyable - I was well aware how boring, time consuming and expensive weddings can be for guests!

It was amazing how many people could barely remember any of the details of even their own wedding never mind anyone elses and really made me decide to stuff what anyone else thought and only spend money on very specific things like the honeymoon Grin The main thing people remembered of more recent weddings was expensive drinks at hotel bars and not enough wine with the meal.

I felt a real culture of one upmanship and splashing out for the benefit of 'but what would people think' and in the end just did exactly what we wanted and refused to bow to the pressure of a huge expensive wedding and only 4 years later can barely remember what we did

ItsaTIARA · 12/09/2013 16:22

Actually Sparkling that's not what I meant - I was taking about lack of legal protection if partner drops dead/runs off with OW. But you are also right - 20 grand would be a huge financial cushion during two maternity periods.

Writerwannabe83 · 12/09/2013 16:29

"I was taking about lack of legal protection if partner drops dead/runs off with OW"

Very good and valid point!!! My sister was with a guy for 10 years, they have 2 children together and then out of nowhere he announces he has met someone else.

Fast forward 6 months : my sister and the children are now sleeping on sofas at a relatives house whilst her ex-partner has moved his new girlfriend into the house he used to share with my sister.

My sister has got absolutely no financial rights, has no claim to the house (which is in his name) and she is literally homeless and pennyless.

EllesAngel · 12/09/2013 16:30

DH put sweets out on the pews for our 16 guests as he said weddings are boring.

Now that's a wedding I'd like Grin

sparklebabe · 12/09/2013 17:41

tiara click on the link that says current fees. They are all broken down here www.celebrateinessex.co.uk/Ceremony/FeesAndDocuments.aspx

sparklebabe · 12/09/2013 17:49

sorry not sure how to get links on here. But that is only fees not venue

Sparklingbrook · 12/09/2013 18:01

Yes every wedding needs some Haribo for guests to chew on in the boring bits Elles. Grin

ItsaTIARA · 12/09/2013 18:12

That's downright weird sparkle - everywhere else has two different rates - one for a ceremony in the registry office, and one for sending a registrar out to your choice of venue. It's possible (likely?) that the fees refer to "approved premises" only but it doesn't say anyway what the price is for the registry office version. Either they've cocked up tge website or they're money grabbing so-and-sos.

SignoraStronza · 12/09/2013 18:15

YANBU. Aware this is probably unpopular but imo, after 10 years and 2 kids, the moment for a lavish 'wedding' type do has passed.

But then I wanted/had a v. small wedding (22 around one big table) and was more excited about being married to my dh than the actual getting married if you see what I mean.

SIL had a big, proper wedding and that was the right thing for them (and a lovely day), however they'd only just moved in together and had no previous marriages or dcs between themWink .

calamitygin · 12/09/2013 18:26

I' afraid I haven't read the thread in answer to the OP ... who are you, the fucking vicar of dibley?

well done you for "getting" the true meaning of marriage, all that nonsense about wanting the wedding you want just because you want it. I mean why not get married on a dreary wednesday during your lunch break at the shittiest little registry office you can find, with a plastic ring that you got out a cracker - not that you need a ring. Straight back to work with not so much as a celebratory coffee either.

Look, mind your own business. Did it ever occur to you that her partner doesn't want to get married and she's embarrassed and the finances thing is a cover up? or something else? Some people want big wedding and that's their business.

Oh, and before you start quibbling I had a very small wedding which is exactly how I wanted it and had a lovely lovely day.

sparklebabe · 12/09/2013 18:37

tiara I reckon money grabbing, weddings seem to be big business now. On the other hand vegas is quite cheap for what you get and all the hotels have packages. when I looked it up you could do it all for around 1000 pounds including flights, plus you would get a holiday included. That's my plan anyway!Grin Grin

calamitygin · 12/09/2013 18:38

and now that I have read the thread, apologies to HmmAnOxfordComma re the wet wednesday comment, it was intended personally but you get my drift, the OPs friend doesn't want that and you did, so you had the wedding you wanted and she wants something else.

calamitygin · 12/09/2013 18:39

oh FFS! it wasn't intended personally not was

TAXI!

Jolleigh · 12/09/2013 18:45

This reply has been deleted

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SubliminalMassaging · 12/09/2013 20:03

In this situation I think that there is a huge temptation (read also pressure) to turn the wedding into the meaningful event. Before you know it you are matching the flowers in with the Father-of-the-Groom's underwear all so that you can demonstrate how much you love each other (as though the children and 10 years of living together isnt enough)

Abso-fucking-lutely.

HmmAnOxfordComma · 12/09/2013 20:04

There have been lots of similarly ending threads recently.

A small/inexpensive wedding is of course not more meaningful than a big/expensive one.

But a big/expensive wedding is in no way more meaningful than a small/inexpensive one either.

Sleepingbunnies · 12/09/2013 20:10

YABU. we can't afford to get married!!

RhondaJean · 12/09/2013 20:15

A big wedding is like a big car. If you can afford it great.

If you can't, it's just as stupid to let the desire for a PARTY put you off making a commitment to the person you are supposed to love/protecting your situation if you are a sahm/ whatever your reason is as it is to let having to buy a cheap car make you walk everywhere.

There is no issue whatsoever with how much anyone wants to spend on something. I've got a major issue with people programmed into thinking its about the fecking party and dress and forgetting the marriage bit.

MissAntithetic · 12/09/2013 20:18

I can afford to get married if dp and I just nick off to the registry office. However no guests or anything would cause a shit storm with the family so we can't afford to get married.

We've been engaged 7 years. Dp proposes then lost his job a month later. We got into debt and I refuse to start married life with that round her necks.

Not arsed.

jamdonut · 12/09/2013 21:02

I was engaged for 4 years. We were trying to get on housing waiting lists,then suddenly a shared ownership flat came up and we moved in together. We got married 6 months later. We didn't have a big wedding as DH was married before (for only 2 years) and didn't want to go through all that again, plus we couldn't afford to do that anyway.

We got married at the local register office with immediate family only (about 20 people, including children). We had a photographer,on a special deal,for one set of photos, at the register office only.I had a nice suit and a hat,and a bouquet of silk flowers.DH had a new suit, and my ring was about £100. Our parents paid for "Bubbly" and a wedding cake and pitched in with food for a buffet "reception" which we held for all the guests at our tiny flat .We had a one night "honeymoon" in a hotel near Windsor, where we had a very nice meal together. All in all it came to around £500. This was 23 years ago.

It makes me cross when people say they can't afford it. I would, if money had been no object, have liked a big wedding, but being married (and not up to our ears in debt) was more important. We did the best we could, under the circumstances.

I don't feel like I've missed out.