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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get pissed off with folk who say they can't afford to get married?

244 replies

MmmmWhiteWine · 11/09/2013 23:37

I have a friend who has been with her fiancé for ~10 years. They have 2 children together and seem v happy together. But she is always going on about how she wishes they could get married but they just can't afford it. However her idea of a wedding seems to be a massive, formal do, stag and hen abroad etc, etc.....just a massive expense really.

AIBU (and really old fashioned) to think that weddings don't need to cost a king's ransom and that they shouldn't be using finances as the excuse why they "can't" get married?

OP posts:
sameoldIggi · 12/09/2013 12:31

Admin costs for changing your name aren't inevitable as you don't have to change your name.

ParisianTrialByFire · 12/09/2013 12:32

The big party has become so mixed up with the marriage, really. Mine is costing around 10k, I nearly had a heart attack when DP told me that was the budget! I would have been happy with registry office, then everyone down the pub for a bite to eat and a few drinks, but he wanted the big wedding with all the trimmings. And I get people telling me I'm brilliant for doing it on such a small budget!

WorrySighWorrySigh · 12/09/2013 12:33

I think that where a couple are already living together, already have children then for some the wedding becomes the important event. The married life after isnt going to feel at all different from the unmarried life before.

In this situation I think that there is a huge temptation (read also pressure) to turn the wedding into the meaningful event. Before you know it you are matching the flowers in with the Father-of-the-Groom's underwear all so that you can demonstrate how much you love each other (as though the children and 10 years of living together isnt enough)

Where a couple havnt lived together before and the wedding night is going to be your first legitimate night together then the wedding is all about being a precursor to the life to come. Much less interest in having a great big party if you have better things to be getting on with!

Snoopingforsoup · 12/09/2013 12:36

Also to people suggesting that guests chip in or pay for their own meal or such.

Have you seen the posts here slating people for asking for money on their invites?

It is rather off putting!

PartyOrganisor · 12/09/2013 12:38

writer it's a good question.
And also how many is a lot?

In my and DH family, there is little in way of close family. DH has one brother and I am a single child. No uncle or aunt on DH side (all dead or NC for various reasons) and I had out of the 3 uncle/aunt on my side only one could make as the other were overseas (think Australia type of area).
So close family for me meant parents, one uncle and wife, 2 grand mothers.
Not a lot.

On the other side, some people have several aunts/uncles who all have children that have to be there. Same with grand parents on both sides etc.. And you HAVE to invited so and so 'because they are family and even if you haven't seen them since you were 3yo'.
I know a friend of mine cancelled her wedding because they found themselves having to invite so many people that were in effect meaningless to them but were 'family' that it got too much. Too many people. Too many arguments. It was easier not to get married.
They didn't have children though, nor are they planning any.

BettyandDon · 12/09/2013 12:39

IME it is very hard to have a cheap wedding unless all your guests gift you the goods and services required to do it.

Our registrar charged £350 alone! So even doing it by yourself isn't that cheap.

Snoopingforsoup · 12/09/2013 12:39

SameOldIggy no you don't have to change your name but a lot of women do!

How many married women refer to themselves as 'Miss'?

EldritchCleavage · 12/09/2013 12:42

I do!

Writerwannabe83 · 12/09/2013 12:43

sparkling - to be fair, I hate going to Christenings!!! I have never turned down a Wedding or Birthday Party Invite though. However, being forced to attend the parties for our friend's children is a complete ball ache Grin We have recently had to attend two 1st Birthday Parties and I can't say they were exactly riveting Grin

Sparklingbrook · 12/09/2013 12:44

Oh yes Christenings are awful Writer. Unless you are v close.

DH put sweets out on the pews for our 16 guests as he said weddings are boring. Grin

moondog · 12/09/2013 12:53

How about the ultimate inanity
'We are going to get engaged on Christmas Eve/my birthday/the anniversary of the hamster's death.'
Eh?

A (very nice) person just told me about her bf's down on one knee proposal in a family party.
I would have gone right off my dh had he done something so toe curlingly naff.
We seem to live in an age when things only exist if they are announced in front of others.
I love my kids so I therefore will tattoo their names on my wrists.
I am having a fantastic holiday thus I will post about it on FB every 30 minutes.
My bf loves me thus he will propose in front of all and sundry.

Sparklingbrook · 12/09/2013 12:55

Everything has to be shared to make it valid moondog. If you don't share it then it didn't happen. Grin

Writerwannabe83 · 12/09/2013 12:55

The last Christening I went to had a very bizarre reception! They had made loads of Fairy Cakes and on top of them were edible pictures of their baby's face!! Haha. They were very disturbing and creepy. And then, for the background music they played a CD of children's nursery rhymes being sung for over 2 hours!! I wanted to rip my teeth out!!!

And even though it was a Sunday afternoon I chose to get very drunk in order to survive - it was either that or go insane!! Grin

Sparklingbrook · 12/09/2013 12:56

it's very difficult to know what to do at a Christening reception I think.

Writerwannabe83 · 12/09/2013 13:02

I don't think I'd have a Reception. I'm not a particularly religious person but my husband would want the baby Christened so I'm happy for it to be done but I don't think I'd invite many people and I wouldn't have a party afterwards. I'm not actually sure what we would say was being celebrated? Smile

Sparklingbrook · 12/09/2013 13:04

We went to a christening reception in a large function room above a pub, there was a buffet etc, but it just seemed a bit soulless.

Writerwannabe83 · 12/09/2013 13:07

Exactly, unless there's a DJ playing cheesy songs and loads of drunken people to laugh at, what's the point? Grin

pinkpiggy · 12/09/2013 13:09

YANBU. A marriage is about the vows and committing to a life together and not the wedding day. We had a small registry office wedding with 15 guests, a sit down meal in the local pub and then a party with 40 guests in the evening. I had a 'proper' wedding dress, DH had a formal wedding suit, we have nice rings, had a wedding cake and all the expected wedding-y things and it all came in as less than £2000!

TrueStory · 12/09/2013 13:13

Weddings at one time were meant to be a sacrament (as well as a contract).

Now, I think its mostly a bonkers show-off, materialistic bash.

Lots of people come on MN and say how broke they are and how the cost of living is so high, and then the next thread is about £20,000 plus weddings, stag do's, hen nights.

jessieagain · 12/09/2013 13:14

We are engaged but not married.

Reason is we can't afford the wedding we want and we don't want to do it on the cheap. We don't want to feel constrained by our budget. Our choice.

And I still live in hope one day we will have the wedding we want (although now my idea of a dream wedding is a luxurious cruise and getting married on a tropical island with a handful of guests).

If we did just go out and get married "affordably" it would feel like I had "settled" for a wedding.

Sparklingbrook · 12/09/2013 13:16

I am an old gimmer and have been married 16 years. it means so much at the time, yes I wanted the dress and the cake and the honeymoon.

Now I never think much of the actual day. The photos/dried bouquet are in the loft somewhere, but I never look at them.

It doesn't have the same importance now. I love being married to DH but weddings seem like a big fuss and nonsense now.

IceBeing · 12/09/2013 13:16

I think the total bill for mine was about £1000.

Had 60 guests, big dress, 4 bridesmaids and a page boy in a church with flowers, bells, choir and a dinner reception.

It was 13 years ago (almost to the day)...

so I think my advice for a cheaper wedding is get married in the past...

jessieagain · 12/09/2013 13:17

Also being engaged is enough of a commitment for me.

puffylovett · 12/09/2013 13:18

YABU. I have been engaged for 6 years with two children, and we cannot afford to get married. We have debt, an overdraft, a mortgage.
Yes we could go to a registry office for £45, but I don't want to be married ina registry office - I want to be married in a Church. I can't afford the £250+ that it costs to get married in a church nowadays. I can barely afford to put food on the table. It's been like that since ds1 was born.

Snatchoo · 12/09/2013 13:21

YANBU but who the fuck cares? I barely cared about my own wedding tbh and would have been totally happy with us and the registry office.

Just tell her if she's that bothered it'll happen, otherwise not to worry.