To request that DD's teacher stops trying to force a friendship with this girl?

[madamevastra29]

It's a tricky one, I'm not happy with the situation but I don't want to come across the wrong way less than a week in. DD has just gone into year4 in what isn't a brilliant class environment IMO, the school reshuffled the classes for this year and DD has ended up in a very boy heavy class with a newly qualified teacher new to the school this year. DD is luckily with a couple of her friends from her year 3 class, as there is a very limited friendship pool of girls.

There's one girl in the class (I'll call her Daisy) who came to the school last term, in a different class. This girl has struggled to settle in from what I can gather and the year 4 teacher has told DD she has to be her "companion" and look after her at playtime and lunchtime. She is also sitting next to her for most of the day. Perfectly fine. DD, however, isn't happy with this arrangement, she says she wants to please her teacher and look after Daisy, but she wants to have either playtime or lunchtime each day to play just her best friend and her as they normally do, and not always babysitting. She was told off by her teacher today because she left Daisy by herself at lunch- while I can see where the teacher is coming from, I don't think DD should be punished for wanting to play with her best friend.

I'm concerned as the fact DD has been put next to this girl shows the teacher has not put the class on ability grouped tables, DD is very bright and when she finishes work early is asked to help Daisy and other girls on the table. We are aiming for DD to go to a selective independent for secondary, and need her to be stretched if she's going to be on track. I know from one of the other mums who works at the school as a teaching assistant that this girl has a lot of issues, I've yet to find her mum in the playground though so haven't had the chance to get to know her. I'm perfectly happy for DD to be friendly, but given DD is perfectly happy in her existing friendships and doesn't want to be lumbered with this girl 24/7, I don't want DD to be paired up with her more and more by the teacher. AIBU to voice my concerns to DD's teacher?

I was once a 'Daisy' at school. I moved schools at the beginning of year 8 and the form teacher assigned a girl to look after me. This girl couldn't have made it plainer that she didn't want to do it and was very unkind to me, in fact she made my first few months at the school hell. I was frequently left on my own at lunchbreaks as not only did she run off but she got the rest of her friends to run off too! I cried every night after school for the first two terms!

I am sorry OP but your daughter is being unfair by just leaving her on her own. Why can't she let her play with her and her best friend? Like others have said on the thread, we need to teach our children to be tolerant, kind and understanding towards others. Its seems to me that you feel your daughter is better than lots of other children and this attitude is rubbing off on her

Sorry - I posted too soon.

I think it would be perfectly reasonable for the OP to have a word with the teacher, to ask that the responsibility for including Daisy in friendships is spread throughout all the girls in the class, not just the OP's dd.

I wouldn't be worrying so much about her helping other children in class - as some of the teachers on this thread have said, explaining something to someone else reinforces one's own understanding of it, so it is not educationally null and void for the OP's dd. If I were the OP, I would just keep an eye on things, to ensure that my child was being appropriately stretched.

I also think some of the comments about the OP, and her educational aspirations for her dd, are pretty nasty - verging on bullying. She wants the very best for her own dd, and that is her priority - what is wrong witht that? If she can afford the fees for a good independant school, and her dd has the academic skills to get in, then why shouldn't she give her dd the best education she can obtain for her? How many of us would turn down the opportunity for our dc to go to a top flight school, if it were available to us?

Reading this has reminded me of exactly what it is like to be 8 or 9 and how complex friendships were at that age.

When I was that age I had a best friend who I did everything with. We were both naice girls - good homes, hard working, very high academic ability (I think we have 8 As at A level between us), polite, well mannered. All jolly lovely and suitable. Except that if our relationship had been a marriage it would be describable as abusive.

My best friend "R" would regularly fall out with me over some slight or other. She would then verbally abuse me, encourage the others on our table to do the same, belittle my work, damage or destroy my work and also pinch me. I used to permanently have bruises all over my right leg (I sat on the left) from these under the table pinches. My mum would sometimes ask about the bruises and if someone was pinching me and I would say no. My teacher would ask why I was crying in class and I would say I was "just tired".

I didn't want to say what was really happening as I knew if I told anyone R would get into trouble and our friendship would be completely over and I didn't want that as when she was in a good mood she was really fun.

I was constantly on edge - never knowing what would set her off.

It all went on for years until R went off to a different school (a selective independent as it happened) and I started making another best friend. We still saw each other out of school until one day, when she had been horrible all day I just suddenly said "I'm going home now" and left. She chased me for months trying to get me to play again - I never did.

Anyway, the reason I started this (admittedly highly cathartic) post was that had I been asked to be Daisy's buddy then R would have undoubtedly have seen that as a slight and would have refused to play with Daisy and made me choose. Had I chosen Daisy then the whole cycle of pinching etc would have started. I would have then gone home and complained about Daisy as in my world it would have been "Daisy's fault".

With hindsight I think R was under extreme pressure at home. She was already going to tuition for the independent her parents wanted her to go to and I think her mum was obsessed with where she was positioned in the class. I think she was genuinely annoyed with me once and I didn't fight back and it just escalated from there as she needed something she could control in her life.

I'm not saying that Op's daughter is me, or R or that the best friend or Daisy is. But I've been shocked at remembering all this and realising just how like an abusive relationship it was. It has made me realise how complex and involved 8 year old friendships are and that it is not just a case of "everyone play together".

If I found out that any of my TAs had been talking about children to other parents, this would have been a disciplinary matter. Poor Daisy, looks like no one befriended her in the other class and now this teacher is trying to make sure it doesn't happen again. To all those up in arms about it just imagine if it was your child who had some issues and no one would play with them. How would you feel if you know another parent was on a forum moaning that her dd has been asked to look after someone who she feels is beneath her dd? OP just tell your dd to suck it up, get daisy to join in,and as for refusing to join in the teacher organised games during playtimes for groups of children in the class, because she does not enjoy these - well your dd is coming across now as very selfish and self centred. Perhaps this is really what the teacher told her off for.

I think you are conflating a number of issues, OP.

IF it is correct that the teacher is trying to force your DD to play only with Daisy, to the exclusion of her other friends, then you would be entirely within your rights to ask that it is handled differently. Perhaps more than one child could be asked to be Daisy's "buddy", for example.

But I very much doubt that is what is happening. It sounds like the teacher might think that there is a risk that your daughter and her best friend are becoming isolated, if they only want to play together and won't join in with group games, and is trying to kill two birds with one stone - Daisy is included, and your daughter and the other girl widen their social horizons a little.

However, it sounds as though your particular issue with this situation isn't the disruption to your daughter's chosen friendship, but the fact that Daisy has "issues", and isn't one of the bright children who you would prefer your daughter to be spending time with. I would strongly suggest that you don't let even a hint of that attitude leak through into any dealings you do have with the teacher, as it will entirely negate any valid point you might have about the situation with the "forced" friendship.

I don't even know where to begin about the gossiping TA. Her behaviour is appalling. And yours isn't particularly great in that you've clearly listened and formed views based on that gossip. If a TA started trying to share confidential, sensitive info about a child at DS1's school, I would tell her I don't want to be privy to that sort of information and, if necessary, I would simply walk away. Confidentiality isn't optional - this is a massive, and potentially damaging, breach of trust.

The academic issues are something entirely separate. If this becomes a real concern - and I'd suggest you give it longer than a week - then you need to raise it as a specific issue, and not package it up as part of a general parcel of discontent with the overall situation.

To be honest, it sounds like you are just unhappy with your bright daughter, for whom you understandably want the best, being in a "boy-heavy" class, with a less experienced teacher and being paired up with a child you don't really want as a friend for her.

If that's the way you feel about it, then that's the way you feel. But I suggest you don't let your daughter know you think she's justified in finding Daisy a nuisance - it won't harm her to spend a few days putting someone else first - and I very strongly suggest you think hard about what parts of your concerns, if any, are legitimate mismanagement on the part of the teacher/school.

That witch of a TA does realise it's the children with additional needs - the one's she spitefully gossips about to her mummy friends - who are paying her actual fucking wages?

Sorry for the language but I could actually scream reading your last posts. Your TA buddy needs sacked and vulnerable children need protecting from her unprofessional spite and bile. [anger]

I have to echo what snooping has said above. I'm a teacher in state (formerly at grammar), but my mum is a recently retired head of one of the top independents in the country and I can guarantee they will be looking far beyond a child's academic prowess for selection.

If your Dd isn't G & T, then to what extent do you surmise that her ability is above average? I don't mean that to cause offence, but in my experience above average children are considered G & T, and I'm wondering with your desire for Dd to attend independent, if you're fully aware of the standard she would need to achieve? Having a proven record of suces

Apologies, typing on iPad, so my post was a bit previous.

What I wanted to conclude is that a successful record of peer mentoring would certainly be beneficial to your Dd.

Is that you, Katie Hopkins?

Seriously, snobby behaviour.

OP, you are making so many assumptions without having any concrete facts.
I don't believe that the teacher would tell your daughter to ONLY play with
Daisy. Your dd is just pissed off about not being able to play exclusively with her best friend.
This thread is depressing.
Let's hope that your dd is not the new Daisy in her naice selective independent secondary.

I meant to say, if I found out DS1 was playing absolutely exclusively with one child, and refusing to join in group games, I'd probably be approaching the teacher, and asking her what we could do to encourage him to socialise a bit more widely.

School is supposed to help children learn social skills, as well as academic skills.

Surely the idea isn't that your dd is supposed to play alone with this girl at all times, but rather that their being together will gradually introduce the new girl to an estabished friendship group, which woul otherwise be tricky to break into? Incourage your dd to include her in the group, as a rule. Gradually she will form other bonds & be less of a 'burden', poor kid.

And all your wittering on about selective independents sounds horribly snobby. They're just kids at primary school, save the heavy stuff for later.

Lampshade, that's absolutely heartbreaking :(. Did the teacher not allocate another child to be your DD's buddy when the parent of the original one complained?

TA should be sacked. Imagine how you'd feel, OP, if you found she was gossiping about your DD to other parents on the quiet. There may well be things she could find to say about your DD that you are unaware of. It's very possible. Many children are discussed at school by the staff at different points in the school year, and it's NOT always shared with the parents of that child because it doesn't always need to be. So you may not know. This is why we have confidentiality ... so it's kept between the staff. Not for general gossip. Think about it.

The rest of it: A week in is way too early to be worrying about who's sitting where and who's playing with whom at break time.

All things flex and change within a classroom environment.

I agree some NQTs are flustered at the beginning of the year. I do not, however, believe that the process of the teacher finding her feet for a couple of weeks, or your DD playing with a new girl for a while will impact on her chances of going to an independent school, OP. If her chances are that tenuous then it may not be a good idea to try to send her anyway. Many children do better at the top of an average learning group than at the bottom of an excellent one.

I think Snoopingforsoup talks allot of sense. Read it again. She says:

OP, getting into an independent aged 11 requires more than academic results and much rests on a confidential report from the current school and an interview with your DD.

This teacher you are calling unorganised etc. will be writing your DD's report this year. The current head will be looking at your DD's whole time at the school and particular strengths and weaknesses. If she can't rise to a simple mentoring task, it doesn't reflect well on her. I don't understand why you are not teaching her compassion?

Lampshade what a lovely kind boy at your Dd's school, that brought tear to my eyes actually I'm glad your dd has settled in now.

That is so sad lamp. Thank goodness for that boy. I have taught in areas of deprivation all my teaching career, and not once have I known children not want to look after a new pupil. In fact they all used to clamour to be the chosen one or two.

Lampshade glad your daughter got settled. That is the kind of boy I want to raise.

lampshadeofdoom, I just had a little tear reading that.

But doesn't it speak volumes that the popular kids are often the kind and empathetic ones too?

If only every parent considered the bigger picture and encouraged a bit more thought and kindness..

I also don't see any evidence that the NQT is struggling with her class, just that she's taking a couple of weeks to get on top of the admin which the TA could probably help with if she wasn't too busy snooping and gabbing

The TA does need reporting. But hopefully if OP goes in to complain that she does not want her dd playing with and helping Daisy, then the teacher will ask why. What will the OP answer I wonder - that Daisy has issues. And how does she know this asks teacher? Then it will all come out in the wash.

I don't think anyone is saying it is a bad thing for the school to take measures to integrate Daisy into the class, and to help her make some friends. But is it really fair for the whole responsibility for doing this to fall on any one child? Is it fair for a child to be punished for wanting a bit of (apologies for sickly phrase) 'me-time' during her school day?

OP's dd wasn't punished - she was just told about not leaving daisy alone.