To request that DD's teacher stops trying to force a friendship with this girl?

[madamevastra29]

It's a tricky one, I'm not happy with the situation but I don't want to come across the wrong way less than a week in. DD has just gone into year4 in what isn't a brilliant class environment IMO, the school reshuffled the classes for this year and DD has ended up in a very boy heavy class with a newly qualified teacher new to the school this year. DD is luckily with a couple of her friends from her year 3 class, as there is a very limited friendship pool of girls.

There's one girl in the class (I'll call her Daisy) who came to the school last term, in a different class. This girl has struggled to settle in from what I can gather and the year 4 teacher has told DD she has to be her "companion" and look after her at playtime and lunchtime. She is also sitting next to her for most of the day. Perfectly fine. DD, however, isn't happy with this arrangement, she says she wants to please her teacher and look after Daisy, but she wants to have either playtime or lunchtime each day to play just her best friend and her as they normally do, and not always babysitting. She was told off by her teacher today because she left Daisy by herself at lunch- while I can see where the teacher is coming from, I don't think DD should be punished for wanting to play with her best friend.

I'm concerned as the fact DD has been put next to this girl shows the teacher has not put the class on ability grouped tables, DD is very bright and when she finishes work early is asked to help Daisy and other girls on the table. We are aiming for DD to go to a selective independent for secondary, and need her to be stretched if she's going to be on track. I know from one of the other mums who works at the school as a teaching assistant that this girl has a lot of issues, I've yet to find her mum in the playground though so haven't had the chance to get to know her. I'm perfectly happy for DD to be friendly, but given DD is perfectly happy in her existing friendships and doesn't want to be lumbered with this girl 24/7, I don't want DD to be paired up with her more and more by the teacher. AIBU to voice my concerns to DD's teacher?

I suspect that the dd is feeling pretty pissed off and is putting the worst possible slant on it. She is perhaps a buddy in the loosest sense, but I can't believe she has been made solely responsible for Daisy's emotional well being at break time and academic success as her exclusive classroom mentor (thanks to her exceptional ability). It is all so smug and elitist and the word of an 8 year old is being given disproportionate weight...

YABtotallyU

I think you need to see how it goes - it's only been a week. Buddying, helping out the others if you finish early, this is all fine some of the time.

Other parts of the time, Daisy should buddy with another child (if she's not hitting it off with OP's daughter), and OP's daughter should be given extra work if she finishes early.

I agree that OP's daughter needs to learn that helping others is a good thing to do too, but forcing it at every break, every lunch time and every lesson is unfair.

My Dd is at a 'selective independent' school and there are plenty of 'Daisys' there. Did you not think there would be? This experience will stand your DD in good stead OP.

It's only been a week so I would give it some time. Including her is of course the kind thing to do, however if they aren't getting on or either child is getting distressed then of course intervene.

I would perhaps assume that your dd mis understood done aspects of what she has been asked to do. It's clear she is under the impression that she can only play with daisy. Which I would assume isn't true and if it is then that is definitely not right.

The teacher is probably just trying to get daisy settled and making friends. I would assume though that placing her in groups and alternating children would be better so lets hope that happens.

Yes your dd should include daisy. But no she shouldn't be solely responsible for her. Your dd should be free to play with whoever she likes as should daisy and there must be games they can play together.

With regards to helping the other children. Start worrying if her work suffers or it becomes apparent that its happening far to much. Your dd should be stretched as should all the other kids as appropriate. This situation will need monitoring to make sure it doesn't go beyond the realms of acceptable.

I wouldn't draw too many conclusions yet its week one. Hopefully daisy will settle and become a confident member of the class and won't need to be buddied all the time.

The TA needs sacking though!!!

First Op, you need the full picture about what your DD has been asked to do with regards being Daisy's "buddy", so I'd advise making an appointment to speak with the CT.

I do find it a bit difficult to imagine the CT ordering your Dd to only play with Daisy. That would be totally counterproductive for both girls socially, and it is quite possible that the CT selected your Dd to be Daisy's buddy because she is sensible, mature and well behaved, not because she intended to burden her with the sole responsibility for the welfare of a new student.

As others have pointed out, seating children in ability based groups doesn't mean they will be stretched academically, a range of teaching styles and learning groups should be employed in the classroom. Is your child G & T? If so there will be plenty of provision for her to be pushed and the school will support your desire for her to progress to an independent. If not, then it's up to you. Either way take advantage of the experience of student lead learning to cement your Dd's understanding and consider a tutor to enhance her skills.

Report the TA, this woman has behaved appallingly, and if she is willing to divulge information about Daisy to you, chances are she is also sharing information about other students too. I would imagine you would not be best pleased if she were talking about your Dd.

I know the teacher is struggling with the class because even at this early stage in proceedings we've had letters that haven't made it home as the teacher forgot to give them out, spelling homework which was meant to be given out on Monday only given out yesterday, no proper communication re when pe is and lots of minor organisation issues like that.

Daisy has been at the school since the summer term and didnt make any friends in the previous class according to the TA. She has attachment issues which are being investigated- that's all I know. DD is still playing with her best friend as well as Daisy, but they are very close and have mainly played just the two of them throughout primary, which DD has missed for the last week. The teacher has organised games during playtimes for groups of children in the class, DD does not enjoy these and asks not to join in when these are organised (two or three occasions). But the majority of playtimes she has been told to ensure Daisy is included.

DD is not G and T, no, but she is capable of more challenging work than she is being set. I suspect the teacher has not yet sorted out extension work and is using helping the others for the time being to occupy those who finish early.

The whole nature of this thread is pretty depressing, but the over riding thing is that, your friend -the TA - needs to be reported. I would be incandescent if i knew that one of my children was being discussed with other parents in this way.

Daisy has been at the school since the summer term and didnt make any friends in the previous class according to the TA. She has attachment issues which are being investigated- that's all I know.

Jesus Christ, the poor girl. The TA, who she should be able to trust, gossiping about her behind her back. What an appalling school, and what a disgusting attitude the TA has. You should be ashamed of yourself, OP. If you had an ounce of decency you'd report the TA to the school for gross misconduct, but I guess you're perfectly happy so long as you're the recipient, not the target, of spiteful and improper gossip.

Next time you go to the doctor, would you be happy if the receptionist told everyone in the waiting room all about your medical history?

Tiger mothers reaching a new low of self-obsession.

You seem to be completely ignoring the issue of the unprofessional TA.

Have you made an appointment to go and talk to the teacher to find out both sides of the story?

Madamevestra you are not making this any better. The more detail you give the more fear mongering, daily-mail-fanatic-unreasonable you sound. Any teacher that encouraged your dd to exclusively play with her bf would be negligent. She sounds as if she is trying to address your dd social issues as much as Daisy's.

I think you are getting an unnecessarily hard time. It would concern me too

But it is very early days at the moment. Can you not see how it all pans out over the next few weeks and encourage your dd to be kind to Daisy and help her in the meantime.

Kali - "...She only asked the girl to look after at linch and break...." - but these are the only breaks the OP's dd gets during the school day. Why shouldn't she have a bit of time to herself during the day, to do what she wants?

to add a lot of people send their sprogs to private schools as they are struggling at state schools and need smaller classes and extra help.

As a TA myself I find the gossiping horrible, unprofessional and nasty. hope she gets sacked.

perhaps the teacher is trying to help both daisy and your dd to bring out the best in both of them. it is the teachers job to help the children settle and ensure they are happy and friendly and kind to each other too.

In three years time your DD will be in school probably without BF, with other children who may have "issues" and your DD not wanting to join group activities. The school will have children who do not need to be pushed or needing extra tutoring they are just that clever. I do think you need to prepare her and actually working with the teacher maybe a step forward.

I can see where the op is coming from but I can't help feeling really sorry for Daisy.

Actually as the thread has developed it looks like ops dd might need a little help on the social front too. I had a tendency to develop purely close friendships when I was younger, I wish I had been helped to develop a wider circle of friends.

I don't think I would be concern about a teacher handing out homework 2 days late or forgetting one letter.

Best talk to the teacher, just start with a very open chat about how your dd is doing socially.

Bloody hell, that TA sucks.

I wonder what she is saying about your DD to other parents?

With that sort of person you can bet your arse that if they will do it with you, they will do it to you.

If this child joined the school in the summer term and is still struggling to settle in to the extent that the school feel that she still needs a buddy then I would imagine there are some circumstances which are not public knowledge which mean that extra attention needs to be paid to her social interactions. Quite possibly she has some SN, or maybe she has a disrupted home life, perhaps there is domestic violence/is a child carer/is in foster care there could be any number of "issues" which could impact on a child's social skills. She obviously does have issues as your bitch friend has seen fit to impart at least some of this knowledge to you (and should be bloody sacked for it!)

There is nothing wrong with buddy systems, where children are asked to include other children in their social groups, and tbh I am of the opinion that exclusive friendships should, on the whole, be discouraged, as A, they foster a clique mentality which sadly is not uncommon in female friendship groups, B, they generate an unhealthy dependence on one individual which, if that individual is out of the equation for a period means the other child is then on their own as they have not formed other friendships. Children should be encouraged to have a wide circle of friends with some who they are closer to, but not to the exclusion of all others. Your daughter won't have been told to exclusively play with this other child, if she says that then I would say she is lying. But she will have been encouraged to include this child in her group, and there is nothing wrong with that. In fact I think that rather than ssaying she has been asked to include this other child, that she has in fact been asked not to exclude her, and that is surely a good thing?

One last thing, do bear in mind that if your daughter makes it to that "Selective independent" secondary, she is going to be the odd one out who might be reliant on the goodwill of others to be her friends? Others who will have come from their "selective independent" primaries where there is a totally different environment to the state school your daughter is currently in might not be so keen to include her as she is different to them. She will be the Dazy you are currently trying to avoid. so think on that.

I am still pretty appalled at this thread.

OP, getting into an independent aged 11 requires more than academic results and much rests on a confidential report from the current school and an interview with your DD.

This teacher you are calling unorganised etc. will be writing your DD's report this year. The current head will be looking at your DD's whole time at the school and particular strengths and weaknesses. If she can't rise to a simple mentoring task, it doesn't reflect well on her. I don't understand why you are not teaching her compassion?

Are you sure you're not just assuming a great deal, because teachers of very bright kids usually have an extension task or, they tell them to read. Kids working in groups is perfectly normal as is sharing tasks.

I hope you don't storm into the school complaining about anything other than the TA quite frankly.

I've been the new kid, the one who had no friends, the one who was on the outside, and my heart goes out to Daisy too.

I agree with those who have said it should be everyone's responsibility to make sure that Daisy isn't left out. Surely it is important that Daisy makes more than one friend - after all, if she does become friends with the OP's dd, and doesn't make any other friendships, and if they have a falling-out, then poor Daisy is right back to square one.

You really should not know any of this information about Daisy op. Would you like it if someone was doing this to you and your daughter. A good education is important but your aims for your daughter to be stretched and on track, might not be what she wants as she grows up.