To request that DD's teacher stops trying to force a friendship with this girl?

[madamevastra29]

It's a tricky one, I'm not happy with the situation but I don't want to come across the wrong way less than a week in. DD has just gone into year4 in what isn't a brilliant class environment IMO, the school reshuffled the classes for this year and DD has ended up in a very boy heavy class with a newly qualified teacher new to the school this year. DD is luckily with a couple of her friends from her year 3 class, as there is a very limited friendship pool of girls.

There's one girl in the class (I'll call her Daisy) who came to the school last term, in a different class. This girl has struggled to settle in from what I can gather and the year 4 teacher has told DD she has to be her "companion" and look after her at playtime and lunchtime. She is also sitting next to her for most of the day. Perfectly fine. DD, however, isn't happy with this arrangement, she says she wants to please her teacher and look after Daisy, but she wants to have either playtime or lunchtime each day to play just her best friend and her as they normally do, and not always babysitting. She was told off by her teacher today because she left Daisy by herself at lunch- while I can see where the teacher is coming from, I don't think DD should be punished for wanting to play with her best friend.

I'm concerned as the fact DD has been put next to this girl shows the teacher has not put the class on ability grouped tables, DD is very bright and when she finishes work early is asked to help Daisy and other girls on the table. We are aiming for DD to go to a selective independent for secondary, and need her to be stretched if she's going to be on track. I know from one of the other mums who works at the school as a teaching assistant that this girl has a lot of issues, I've yet to find her mum in the playground though so haven't had the chance to get to know her. I'm perfectly happy for DD to be friendly, but given DD is perfectly happy in her existing friendships and doesn't want to be lumbered with this girl 24/7, I don't want DD to be paired up with her more and more by the teacher. AIBU to voice my concerns to DD's teacher?

Good post, Lampshade

If the TA is tattling about Daisy, there's a very high chance she's tattling about others. Probably about the nasty child who won't help a vunerable child make friends when she's been asked to.
Think about that.

My dc (and most others I knew) always thought it was a priviledge to be asked to look after new children.

It's just one of those things you do, isn't it DeWe? I've been a buddy at college, I've been a buddy at work, and on both occasions that involved going to lunch with them and introducing them to people. Neither of them ended up '24/7' responsibilities, it's just till people find their feet.

Less than a week and it's being talked about like it's a prison sentence :(

can't dd invite daisy to play with her and her friends and then the pressure will be off as she gets to know other girls. give the poor mite a chance. too early to be voicing concerns to the teacher.
the girls are probably all able to sort themselves out.

I sometimes think school is more stressful for parents than it is for our dcs

I actually thought the OP was made up, no on could be so lacking in self awareness, surely? But it appears to be true.

The line about getting the dd on track for selective schooling really made me chortle.

And describing the teacher as struggling after one week because of spelling homework being late. Just wow.

can't dd invite daisy to play with her and her friends and then the pressure will be off as she gets to know other girls. give the poor mite a chance. too early to be voicing concerns to the teacher.
the girls are probably all able to sort themselves out.

I sometimes think school is more stressful for parents than it is for our dcs [big grin]

The OP's dd was told off by the teacher, for leaving Daisy alone, pudtat - that is a punishment in my book - albeit a mild one.

I can see the OP's point about the playtime thing. I do not think it is fair to put the responsibility for befriending Daisy onto one child alone, nor is it fair to tell her off for wanting a bit of time to do what she wants - instead of helping other children with their work in class and then being solely responsible for Daisy at breaktime and lunchtime.

Why is it so wrong to suggest that all the girls should share the responsibility for befriending Daisy - apart from anything else, if she is totally reliant on the OP's dd, and they fall out, she is back to square one - surely it is better for Daisy to make a number of friends rather than just one?

Is this a reverse aibu or are you just very selfish?

My DS is on a rota of children to look after a child who hasn't made friends, they do a day each.
This makes more sense anyway as the other child spends time with a range of potential friends.

I think the other child's mother has very high expectations of them though, as we got the the message 'Please could "Jo' (Tuesday's playmate) make sure 'Fred' goes to Art Club as he's forgotten and missed it twice now.'
Jo is only another 6 year old, he isn't responsible for that.

ah well I have always taught my kids to treat others like they would like to be treated themselves.

I teach that at school too as a TA.

someday everyone is 'the new girl/boy, at school of work.

just encourage your dd to be kind and start teaching her how by being so yourself.

life is not about selective schools, academic achievement and spellings you know. it really isn't.

It seems to me that you're more concerned with your dd potentially losing her place in friendships with the other girls, it being a small frienship pool, while she's lumbered looking sfter Daisy, who with her "issues" is of no value to you.

The TA should be sacked ( although that won't happen, i'm sure she's a very useful contact - sorry friend, for you).

You should be ashamed.

The op's daughter by her accounts does not have a friendship group she has a best friend, they do not join group led activities and has been this way all through primary. I would be concerned as a parent with this especially wanting to place her child in a highly competive secondary school.

I think the OPs DD must have good social skills, and the new teacher is hoping these will rub off.

It's very early days, surely. Perhaps it's another child's turn next week?
If not, suggest that. Group play is a better way forward anyway.

The TA is way out of order too.

OP, my sons went to a "selective independent". When a new boy arrived the headmaster would allocate one boy to be an induction buddy. The head wrote a special letter to the induction buddy saying how important this task was and how the responsibility of seeing a new person happily settled into the group and established with friends was something that took a very special person to achieve.

I thought this as a lovely way to treat new pupils, and what I would have wanted for my own sons if they had been in this situation. If your daughter sees the delegation of this task to her as something to take pride in and works towards including Daisy she will learn more to help her in life than your narrow aim of "being stretched".

OK, I see the later posts by OP now, saying that in fact the DD is not being asked to play solely with 'Daisy' but to include her. In which case I have far less sypmathy with the OP. That's not an unreasonable ask in a boy-heavy class.

An NQT sent spellings home a few days late? Didn't communicate with parents about P.E.?? Horrors! Hardly ground-breaking stuff.

Teacher not yet sorted out extension work for year 1 pupils less than a week into term? I imagine she or he has got quite a lot of stuff on her plate TBH, not least focusing her energies on those vulnerable pupils who really need her immediate attention... sheesh.

Replying direct to op (as some of the thread is too silly)

Most new joiners get a buddy for initial settling. This could be up to 3 mths really, ie all up to Xmas. Get that qualified with teacher. This occurs at work too don't forget, it's normal. So here I think you are a bit bu.

Expecting dd to spend every school minute with daisy is perhaps too much. I would suggest breaks daisy should be enabled to find her own friends. Lunch however if expect dd to help because no one wants to eat alone. Get this area qualified - difficult to see if bu or not. Talk to teacher.

Your hopes and dreams for future schooling aren't in the remit. Yabu here. That's your own issue.

Ill assume the ta tried to offer reassurance but stuffed up. If not she's bang out of order.

Just talk to the teacher. She might be new but hey she's gone through uni which you plainly want yours to do so she must be reasonably intelligent eh?

Attachment issues can be really serious and are usually a result of some inconsistencies or inadequacies in a child's early care. It is a good thing that the NQT is attentive to Daisy's needs. IMO you can judge the quality of a school/ teacher by how well they respond to the needs of pupils with emotional and/ or behavioural difficulties, or SEN.

I can't express how horrified I am by the OP. I have a DS who attends "a selective independent school" and an 8 year old DD who will follow him in a few years. I'd be pretty concerned if DD had the one BF who she just wanted to play with to the point of not wanting to join in group games. In fact we were in this situation for much of P2 and P3 and we worked incredibly hard to explain to DD why it is so much better to have some close friends but also a wide range of friends! She'd now be the first to include a Daisy in her group.

You sound overly concerned about getting your DD into an independent school. I would reiterate the earlier poster who said that the school will be providing references- do you want them writing that your DD is wonderfully kind to others and makes friends easily across different groups or to say that she has limited social skills when making friends? I sense that appealing to your tiger mother side rather than your compassionate side is the way to get you to modify your views and the messages you give to your DD!

That occurred to me, Ragusa - that the teacher is responding to this child's needs.

Perhaps she's focusing more on getting her new class settled and comfortable and less on spellings and letters!

I'd be seeing how this pans out for a little bit longer. If the DD is still feeling under pressure after a while, then I'd suggest a different approach, but it's very early days.

DD is luckily with a couple of her friends from her year 3 class, as there is a very limited friendship pool of girls.

And if she hadn't, would you be happy that she was alone at lunch because no one wanted to play with her, even the "buddy" who is meant to be looking after her?

My dc2 has some issues forming friendships. He is quite often on his own on the playground (or his playing with dc1).

I would be horrified if I learnt that the teacher had 'imposed' to another child to spend time with him at lunch time etc...
Encouraging friendship by putting children that could get on well is one thing. Encouraging children to play with him is OK too (I know one of dc1 teacher has done that. But he was 5yo and he had just started in that school).
But telling of a child for not playing with him? No I wouldn't be happy with that.

Friendship are there to grow. They take time and can't be forced. The only thing that would happen is for 2 dcs to end up resentful of the whole situation.
And imo, when a child has indeed some social communication issues (such has dc2), forcing them to get into a relationship is actually quite hard on them.

btw, I have yet to find children that age that will willingly go and spend time with a child they aren't keen on 'just to be nice to them'.

yes in an ideal world, it would be great but then as adults, I rarely see one person spending their time at a party with someone they don't like/know particularly 'just because they are on their own'. People would rather spend a nice evening having a laugh with friends instead.

that's quite a lot to ask a little girl.

God OP, I do hope the TA is not sharing info about YOUR child too.

This is why I have issues about parents being TA's in their children's schools. Too much opportunity for gossiping and disclosing what should be confidential information with their Mummy friends.

The TA needs to be sacked.