To request that DD's teacher stops trying to force a friendship with this girl?

[madamevastra29]

It's a tricky one, I'm not happy with the situation but I don't want to come across the wrong way less than a week in. DD has just gone into year4 in what isn't a brilliant class environment IMO, the school reshuffled the classes for this year and DD has ended up in a very boy heavy class with a newly qualified teacher new to the school this year. DD is luckily with a couple of her friends from her year 3 class, as there is a very limited friendship pool of girls.

There's one girl in the class (I'll call her Daisy) who came to the school last term, in a different class. This girl has struggled to settle in from what I can gather and the year 4 teacher has told DD she has to be her "companion" and look after her at playtime and lunchtime. She is also sitting next to her for most of the day. Perfectly fine. DD, however, isn't happy with this arrangement, she says she wants to please her teacher and look after Daisy, but she wants to have either playtime or lunchtime each day to play just her best friend and her as they normally do, and not always babysitting. She was told off by her teacher today because she left Daisy by herself at lunch- while I can see where the teacher is coming from, I don't think DD should be punished for wanting to play with her best friend.

I'm concerned as the fact DD has been put next to this girl shows the teacher has not put the class on ability grouped tables, DD is very bright and when she finishes work early is asked to help Daisy and other girls on the table. We are aiming for DD to go to a selective independent for secondary, and need her to be stretched if she's going to be on track. I know from one of the other mums who works at the school as a teaching assistant that this girl has a lot of issues, I've yet to find her mum in the playground though so haven't had the chance to get to know her. I'm perfectly happy for DD to be friendly, but given DD is perfectly happy in her existing friendships and doesn't want to be lumbered with this girl 24/7, I don't want DD to be paired up with her more and more by the teacher. AIBU to voice my concerns to DD's teacher?

I think all this talk of how hard it is for dd to look after daisy is missing the point. Her mother is colluding with her by telling her how unfair it is for poor dd to play with daisy, and that it is totally valid for dd to avoid group games and play exclusively with her bf.

Surely it is the mother's job to give her some moral guidance and teach her how to be kind. Sounds like the op has no interest in this - just gossiping with the ta and her ambitions for dd. Sadly it seems a lost cause and I have no doubt daisy would be better off with another buddy (although I still think the teacher probably thought it would help dd as much as daisy with social issues).

"No-one here knows exactly what was said to OPs DD - only DDs version - maybe Op should ask the school..."

Yes unlucky

Have to admit if I was the mother of op's bf I would be worried and I have never got involved in dc's friendship but I would not be happy with the one friend who does not join group activities equals my dc does not have this opportunity. My dd is always used as a buddy and I am always proud of the kind, caring and thoughtful comments on her reports even if her maths sucks.

I don't think it's fair how people are criticising the dd of the op

She's clearly confused and has mis understood what was meant and she may well struggle herself with aspects of making friends.

You can't be all "moral high ground" over one girl and then say mean things about the other when they could well be bothe suffering some kind of struggle.

I don't think it's 'saying mean things' - but certainly if one of my daughters had been specifically asked to look after one girl -even if I thought that was a bit much to ask - I'd be disappointed in her if she wandered off and left the girl alone to play with her best friend and nobody else!

I just think that the op could be missing an opportunity to encourage inclusion and compassion and even preparation for her chosen secondary, especially as her secondary may select with these parameters as well as academic qualities. If it does not work then that's fine.

But that might just not be who she is. It's a little harsh to be disappointed in a child for just being who she is.

I was quiet and shy at school, I preferred to stick with one or two friends rather than play in large groups. Being paired with someone would have made me really nervous, bit I was bullied at school and didn't really have friends that much so not being able to take it slowly and see I could trust them and having them forced on me wouldn't have worked for either of us.

You think an independent selective private school is going to prioritise children who are good at inclusion....? It's a nice thought!

wear If 'who she is' is someone who will happily leave a child alone when she's been asked quite specifically not to, then that probably needs addressing! I'm sure she's a nice normal child and all that, but you don't just decide that a child is what she is at 8: there's always stuff to learn!

Actually, I think the 'evidence' that the teacher is 'struggling with the class' is just evidence that an NQT in her first week in school is concentrating on getting to know the children in her class and helping one who is struggling socially rather than spending time getting organisational matters perfect. Maybe her TA could help with that, rather than apparently spending her time gathering material for gossip....

By who she is, I mean someone who's just shy and wary and takes a long time to build friendships.

It's ok for her to be learning still too isn't it? In time they well may be friends just in this instance it might be that having them paired together is just not how those two particular children would respond. It's a method. A successful method , but not a 100% effective method.

It sounds like the dd needs things explaining too her, she perhaps hasn't understood fully that she doesn't have to choose and she can play with both and not have to give daisy full attention , that all playing together is what the teacher meant.

my youngest DD spent a heartbroken year 2 due to teachers interfering in friendships like this -

her BF was allocated a new girl to look after - who became her BF's new best friend.. DD got more and more marginalised because her BF HAD to spend time with the other girl - but my DD did not like the other girl - because she was mean to her - because she wanted my little girl's friend to herself.... and yes - I heard it myself when she shouted in the playground at my DD "she's MY best friend NOW not yours, so YOU can't play"

so I would watch out for your daughter's existing friendships.... my DD's former best friend has since moved school due to "friendship issues"......

madamvastra, if you are still reading.

DS2 just started year 4. He has two good friends in his class. Lets call them Peter and Paul. Paul was selected to be the companion of new boy John. The result was that John was instantly included into the friendship group consisting of Peter, Paul and my son, so they are now 4 boys playing together at break time. John is coming home to ours for tea on monday.

I guess this is what your dds teacher was hoping would happen, she did not count on your dd just leaving Daisy behind to play with her friends without her.

As for assisting other children, DS1, has always been a bright boy. He was often "used" by the teachers to explain things to other children. He spent three years of his schooling in a mixed age group class, where the learning was ability based, and he would ambulate between tables explaining the younger groups. This came in very useful during his interviews to independent secondaries. He had learnt to articulate himself and explain clearly both processes and how things worked.

And perhaps she is worried about loosing friends. I've been frozen out before both as a child and as an adult for befriending "the wrong" person.

As an adult I couldn't give a crap if that's the way they want it.

As a kid I was bloody lonely, and it did bother me that others didnt play with me because I had the other girl with me.

I didn't ditch the girl or blame her but it happens and it can be scary. Just saying daisy might not be the only victim of other kids behaviours.

In ds1s old school teachers were very mindful of girls friendships. They were much more one on one than boys. Not sure if this is a generalization or not as I only have boys so not sure how it is with girls from a personal experience.

Other than being one myself!

I do remember that it was tricky for three of us to play together, always better in group of 2 or 4.

I have a "Daisy". She is only 5 (year 1) and my heart is heavy reading this depressing thread.
Poor little girl. Daisy that is.

I still haven't read anything that convinces me that it is OK to make it one child's responsibility to look after Daisy, and why this is better for all concerned than making them all responsible for playing with her!

Taken together with the peer-to-peer teaching in class, the OP's dd is having a hell of a lot of responsibility placed on her 8-year-old shoulders. And if she is the sort of child who only has one friend, she might be afraid she will lose her bf if she never gets to spend time with her at school.

Posh, I have an 8 year old Daisy too. The teacher should be getting more than just one child to play with her. Relying on one child puts Daisy in a bad position if that child is ever off sick.

I doubt the teacher wants OPs dd to be Daisy's only friend forever! She asked the kid to be her 'companion' in the first few weeks!

Yes, maybe go and say dd's finding it a bit much and is there a way that the teacher could help all of them out here. And also have a word with dd and explain that if you're asked to be someone's companion and you know that person hasn't made any friends yet, it's not very kind to just leave her on her own and play with your own BFFL.

Weller

My dd is always used as a buddy and I am always proud of the kind, caring and thoughtful comments on her reports even if her maths sucks.

As the mother of a child who needs a little bit more help with social situations

for that lovely comment which actually made me a little bit teary. We are all proud of children like that and their lovely parents who taught them to be like that

This is really sad!

I was just like Daisy when I moved at aged 10 from a small country town to the suburbs and it was absolutely shit. The class I joined was completely different to where I can from and I was singled out as something of an oddity! I was assigned a girl frot he first couple of days but the whole class made me incredibly unwelcome and I used to play with my much younger sister and her friends because otherwise I never would have had any friends.

This social isolation continued into secondary really, my self esteem was absolutely on the floor!

I never settled in our new home, secondary school was hellish and I left the area at 19 for Uni and never moved back!

I now have 2 dses of 9 and nearly 11 and their friendships seem much more balanced than mine ever were. They both have groups of friends, not one 'best friend' and are very open to new comers. Whilst they do have callings out from time to time, it's all very low key and forgotten about quickly.

In terms of what happens on class, Ds1's school have a buddy system for reading where the more able readers are matched with less able ones to listen to them read and help them. It's brilliant for ds1 for whom reading and learning comes quite easily to understand and support someone for whom it's not. He is so proud of the progress his buddy has made in reading and it's taught him so much! I don't see it as a negative at all for children to be in mixed ability groups and to be supporting one another.

I also do not think that it should be the sole responsibility of the OP's DD. Children should be respected as individuals; why is it not appropriate for an 8-year-old child to have a best friend and want to spend free time with her and not do organised games? We are not all the same. In the classroom that's different and obviously different rules apply and everyone needs to find a way to get on with other people. Everyone should be helping Daisy to settle in (including the boys in my view) but it is not the responsibility of one child to do so.

I suspect that the OP would be having an easier time if she hadn't said anything about wanting her DD to go to a private school. That said, it is no different in the private sector. Just as many children with difficult backgrounds.

If I were the OP I would go and have an informal chat with the teacher and see what is going on and take it from there.

I have 3 girls, DD3 is a Daisy, and DD2 was one of the popular girls.
DD2 has the kindest heart ever. She was clever but not academically brilliant, but I remember watching her compassion, when I dropped her off at a school disco when she was in Yr7. One "Daisy" was standing outside the school on her own when DD2 arrived. She asked her if she had anyone to hang about with at the disco, and when she said no, she immediately told her friends that Daisy would be joining their group for the evening. They were in separate classes so DD2 didn't know her well and thought she had some friends and found out otherwise. She made sure she was included thereafter in playtimes and lunches, and Daisy made her own friends.I am sure thats all the OPs daughter is being asked to do,

I also have a "Daisy" who has ASD and I watched struggle with friendships in primary school, and wish she had someone to buddy up with instead of being bullied.

SDT I'll say it again - we only know the OPs DDs version of events ...and she is hardly going to tell her mum something that would paint her in a less than favourable light ...
Maybe (and this is a maybe) she was asked to play with Daisy for just that day - even just for that lunch!
OPs DD didn't want to play with Daisy - so ignored her -or just got carried away and forgot - or worse did what happened to my DD - and deliberately left her on own and laughed at her when she asked why... teacher found out and was less than pleased with OPs DD and had a word...
OPs DD is not going to tell her mum what actually happened .. she wanted her mum's support ...maybe even for mum to tell the teacher she didn't want DD to play with Daisy...
OP DD is 8 - IME at that age girls can be really mean ...
Not saying this is true for OPs DD - just much better to get the teachers take of events before making a judgement...

Good point unlucky. I think ops dd would bdnefit from not being just with her best friend.
Whats going to happen when her best friend isnt there??