To request that DD's teacher stops trying to force a friendship with this girl?

[madamevastra29]

It's a tricky one, I'm not happy with the situation but I don't want to come across the wrong way less than a week in. DD has just gone into year4 in what isn't a brilliant class environment IMO, the school reshuffled the classes for this year and DD has ended up in a very boy heavy class with a newly qualified teacher new to the school this year. DD is luckily with a couple of her friends from her year 3 class, as there is a very limited friendship pool of girls.

There's one girl in the class (I'll call her Daisy) who came to the school last term, in a different class. This girl has struggled to settle in from what I can gather and the year 4 teacher has told DD she has to be her "companion" and look after her at playtime and lunchtime. She is also sitting next to her for most of the day. Perfectly fine. DD, however, isn't happy with this arrangement, she says she wants to please her teacher and look after Daisy, but she wants to have either playtime or lunchtime each day to play just her best friend and her as they normally do, and not always babysitting. She was told off by her teacher today because she left Daisy by herself at lunch- while I can see where the teacher is coming from, I don't think DD should be punished for wanting to play with her best friend.

I'm concerned as the fact DD has been put next to this girl shows the teacher has not put the class on ability grouped tables, DD is very bright and when she finishes work early is asked to help Daisy and other girls on the table. We are aiming for DD to go to a selective independent for secondary, and need her to be stretched if she's going to be on track. I know from one of the other mums who works at the school as a teaching assistant that this girl has a lot of issues, I've yet to find her mum in the playground though so haven't had the chance to get to know her. I'm perfectly happy for DD to be friendly, but given DD is perfectly happy in her existing friendships and doesn't want to be lumbered with this girl 24/7, I don't want DD to be paired up with her more and more by the teacher. AIBU to voice my concerns to DD's teacher?

OP I am astonished at this.

You daughter is being encouraged to engage in peer to peer teaching, (probably the single most effective method for building her own understanding known to mankind) and to help a child build a social network (developing her own social maturity via the most effective method possible).

And you want to complain?

YANBU

You have two issues:

1. Children need to learn to be thoughtful and to extend themselves socially to others, but trying to force friendships is alienating and likely to backfire. As a kid, I went to 13 different schools. No picnic. But no one was ever forced to be my friend. I would have died of embarrassment. On the other hand, it was a real blessing when other kids had the social nous to chat to me and extend a few curtesies. I am sure that the teacher means well and thinks your daughter is mature and capable and is trying to lean a bit too much on her to help out Daisy. Adult attempts at social engineering are usually misguided. If this doesn't smooth out on its own within a week, I would talk to dd's teacher being as nonconfrontational as possible. Just focus on your own daughters friendship worries and emotional development.

1. As for being stretched at school, well, this is a problem many, many places. There is a lot of politics that drives equal outcomes. If you can't afford private school, and most of us cannot, you are stuck trying to enrich at home.

As an aside, while the TA should not have shared her opinions with you, I think you would be mad to report her. From your perspective, that will cause a load of upset with your own dd at the centre of the storm. Just be discreet, don't pass it on, and keep your lip zipped would be my advice!

ravenAK I hope things have moved on but I left school in the mid-00's, not the 70's and 80's.

OP, I think you should encourage your DD to include Daisy in her games. I do think you need to discuss the whole situation with the class teacher to find out the facts. If she is being given sole responsibility for Daisy's integration all day every day then it does seem too much for one little girl.

I wouldn't be too fussed about the stretching. It's only the second week of term.

I was once Daisy...and being the new girl is so scary. I had been bullied at my last school so my social skills were not good.

One girl was chosen to "befriend" me. She didn't give me any special treatment but just let me come along with her and her friends. I was just happy to have someone to ask questions and to eat with at lunch. I joined them for a couple of weeks and then I made my own friends and gradually branched away.
Over the years at that school, this girl and I were never friends but we always had a little bond. We would always greet each other by name, have little chats. There was always just a friendliness even though we hadn't actually been meant to be as best friends.

Nature takes it course as new children settle in and feel more confident. It's early days. But there should be more of a group befriending encouraged rather than 1:1

Im not saying she cant do what she wants at break but why cant she include daisy? What excatly is your dd going to do when her best friend is off ill if she only plays with her?she will be a little daisy herself then

I just think there has to be a bit of balance here. Of course it is good to encourage children to befriend a new child/a child who,has had problems settling and making friends, and of course some peer-to-peer teaching is a goos thing - but is it really right for one child to be given all the responsibility for the befriending, on top of the peer-to-peer teaching too?

Shes not single handling teaching thiugh shes been asked occasionally to help her pals finish the work. Plus teacher isnt forcing dd to be friends with daisy just to let her accompany her and mates for lunch and bresk.

Im on the fence about the ta. Im wondering if maybe the ta was trying to reach out to ops compassionate side

I never said she was singlehandedly teaching - but she is doing her own work, then helping her classmates, the having to be Daisy's sole befriended every break time and lunchtime. To me that looks like an awful lot to put on an 8 year old.

...then having to be, not the having to be. I should check before I post.

Why would the OP report the TA - she's got someone on the inside

What a lot of discussion with so little response from the OP..

She should include Daisy in the games that she plays with her best friend, thus encouraging a friendship with all three.

I think it weird that you are encouraging your daughter to think it's okay to have an exclusive relationship with her best friend and exclude this girl.

You need to check what’s really happening, but it would be wrong of the teacher to put all the burden of looking after Daisy every lunchtime and playtime on your DD.

If Daisy has social difficulties then there are strategies like “circle of friends” that are much more effective, where social support is divided among the children, other children volunteer to help, and the adults support the children properly. At one time my DS had a rota of kids to sit with him at lunchtime.

And I’m shocked that the TA is telling you anything about “attachment issues” That’s highly confidential and absolutely not to be repeated. My DS’s teacher did talk to the class about my DS’s diagnosis, but that was because the other kids needed to understand how to deal with him, and she got my permission first.

I hope you’re not paying money for this school. If I were you (and even more so if I were Daisy’s mum) I’d want a refund.

I'd take the business of her having to help the others with a pinch of salt. I don't entirely buy into the idea that a bright child is best served by teaching others, but certainly I think it would be fine if she sometimes spent the last bit of the lesson helping. As long as she's not being a bossy show off, and they actually don't want her help, of course!

I don't think she's being told off for not spending all her time with Daisy: rather, she was asked to be kind and look after her, and she left her all alone, which wasn't very kind.

Poor old daisy sounds as though she's having a bad time, really.

And it's not the job of the school to coach dd for entrance to private school, either. I won't say, better hope she gets in so she doesn't have to encounter any more children with 'issues' or who aren't as bright as her, obviously...

You daughter is being encouraged to engage in peer to peer teaching, (probably the single most effective method for building her own understanding known to mankind) and to help a child build a social network (developing her own social maturity via the most effective method possible).

Very well said, Icebeing!

Also, on behalf of any NQT who had entered a shit school and received no support from anyone, I feel really angry at your "evidence" that the NQT is struggling to control the class.

The OP did say that the teacher had told off her dd - and yes, I know that is second hand information, but it is the only information we have to go on, so I am not sure what evidence you have to claim she wasn't being told off, TheSteamingNit.

From a teacher's perspective, this doesn't look like it's working. The dd is feeling resentful of Daisy and Daisy isn't building friendships after a term already. Something has to change- this buddying system hasn't appeared to work. Whether introducing partner buddies, whole buddy groups or whatever, or encouraging the dd by praising and rewarding (and NOT telling off a child for not wanting to be with a child they don't like- because having the child stay with a child they won't like will be bad and isolating for Daisy who will doubtless sense this) and swapping round tables often. This isn't fair on Daisy or the dd.

Poor Daisy, hopefully her parents will soon realise her "buddy" is not that and ask for a new one.

Its not the schools job to prepare your child for private school and the NQT may not write a glowing report based on the above.

Surely PE kit is just left at school so who cares what days its on and spelling a little late is hardly the end of the world. Could you do everything perfect and on time whilst being in charge of 30 children and a handful of tiger parents?

I said she wasn't 'told off' for not spending all her time with daisy, she was 'told off' for leaving her entirely alone.

What choice did she have, though? If she wanted to spend a bit of time just with her friend, she had to,leave Daisy alone, because she had been made solely responsible for her.

It is not an abnormal thing for the OP's dd to want to spend time with her friend - she is only 8 years old, and it is, in my opinion, too much to expect her to give up her friendship with her bf totally in order to look after Daisy.

I am not saying that it is right for Daisy to be left alone, but I am saying it was not fair that the OP's dd was the only child expected to give up all her break and lunchtime to look after Daisy.

The responsibility should be shared by all the girls - I don't understand how anyone can argue that it is fairer for the job to be given to only one child.

No-one here knows exactly what was said to OPs DD - only DDs version - maybe Op should ask the school...

A PP poster said about having a BF who bullied her and the dangers of only having one 'best' friend all the time ...
My DD1 also struggled a bit to settle in at school in P1 (other children had been together from Preschool) - eventually she did make a best friend...but it wasn't a particularly happy arrangement.
My DD's BF was a twin and used to fight with her brother. Their mother thought her DCs were perfect - BF knew if she hurt her brother she would be in trouble but if someone else did it would be their fault. So she got DD to hurt him...(the boy wasn't particularly pleasant anyway - the one who had called DD the odd one out in my previous post -and once pinched her hand so hard he drew blood...)
I was told by BFs mother DD was hurting the boy - after a battle I got the truth out of her by saying her BF had told her mum - DD was so upset - blurted out that her BF had said if DD told anyone she wouldn't be her friend - and DD was frightened of being on her own again! The hurting stopped but BF used to tell DD she wasn't allowed to play with anyone else - if DD did play with anyone else either DD - or the other child would be hurt by BF.
Then BFs mother took them both out of school (their bad behaviour was obviously the schools fault - not theirs )
DD was then on her own again, had a miserable time for over a year -a group of 'nice' girls wouldn't play with her because they had been the boy twin's friends! And the others were a group of girls whose leader was (and is) quite unkind who treated DD really horribly ...luckily the nice girls did start playing with DD - and they are best friends now ...

(Before anyone thinks I think my DD is perfect - I don't -she has numerous faults - but she has a strong sense of (sometimes misplaced) loyalty and is very heart rather than head driven ...she is just too impulsive to be manipulative - and she is not nasty or mean...)