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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To request that DD's teacher stops trying to force a friendship with this girl?

301 replies

madamevastra29 · 11/09/2013 20:53

It's a tricky one, I'm not happy with the situation but I don't want to come across the wrong way less than a week in. DD has just gone into year4 in what isn't a brilliant class environment IMO, the school reshuffled the classes for this year and DD has ended up in a very boy heavy class with a newly qualified teacher new to the school this year. DD is luckily with a couple of her friends from her year 3 class, as there is a very limited friendship pool of girls.

There's one girl in the class (I'll call her Daisy) who came to the school last term, in a different class. This girl has struggled to settle in from what I can gather and the year 4 teacher has told DD she has to be her "companion" and look after her at playtime and lunchtime. She is also sitting next to her for most of the day. Perfectly fine. DD, however, isn't happy with this arrangement, she says she wants to please her teacher and look after Daisy, but she wants to have either playtime or lunchtime each day to play just her best friend and her as they normally do, and not always babysitting. She was told off by her teacher today because she left Daisy by herself at lunch- while I can see where the teacher is coming from, I don't think DD should be punished for wanting to play with her best friend.

I'm concerned as the fact DD has been put next to this girl shows the teacher has not put the class on ability grouped tables, DD is very bright and when she finishes work early is asked to help Daisy and other girls on the table. We are aiming for DD to go to a selective independent for secondary, and need her to be stretched if she's going to be on track. I know from one of the other mums who works at the school as a teaching assistant that this girl has a lot of issues, I've yet to find her mum in the playground though so haven't had the chance to get to know her. I'm perfectly happy for DD to be friendly, but given DD is perfectly happy in her existing friendships and doesn't want to be lumbered with this girl 24/7, I don't want DD to be paired up with her more and more by the teacher. AIBU to voice my concerns to DD's teacher?

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 11/09/2013 21:33

Honestly. Don't believe everything your DCs tell you. Some of them like to have a good moan, especially if it's something that they know is going to pique our interest

LostMarbles99 · 11/09/2013 21:36

No you shouldn't voice your 'concerns' unless you want to be the laughing stock of the staff room!

The TA is seriously unprofessional and a nasty gossip.

AmberLeaf · 11/09/2013 21:40

I know from one of the other mums who works at the school as a teaching assistant that this girl has a lot of issues

Be honest, this is what it's all about isn't it?

YABU

AmberLeaf · 11/09/2013 21:41

wish I knew what school this was, Id be reporting that TA.

Crumbledwalnuts · 11/09/2013 21:41

Bear one thing in mind: the teacher is using your daughter, quite openly, to do parts of her job, in the classroom and the playground.

There is one person, and one person only, who will challenge the situation, if you think its unacceptable, and this is you.

mrspremise · 11/09/2013 21:42

That TA should be disciplined
and probably given a warning. The golden rule of working in a school is that you don't discuss school business with anyone 'outside'. I'm disgusted with your friend who feels that this doesn't apply to them Angry.

Snoopingforsoup · 11/09/2013 21:43

YABU. Your child has been given the responsibility of helping to settle this child in. Probably based on your DD's strengths and qualities.

Help her rise to the task instead of worrying Daisy will be dragging your child down. She's not. Soft skills are important for life, including independent school reports from the current school, and to draw on experience in independent school interviews. You're being a bit blinkered in my opinion.

The TA should not be discussing other children with gossiping parents! I'm outraged but not surprised by that.

BootleBumtrinket1 · 11/09/2013 21:45

What a hateful TA. I hope her gossiping is discovered and she is disciplined.

Fairenuff · 11/09/2013 21:45

It's less than a week in. The class is boy heavy. There is a new girl who has been paired with your dd to help her settle in. How is this a problem?

Your dd can still play with her best friend. She doesn't have to 'babysit' the new girl, just include her in their chat. You should be telling your dd to have some consideration and be kind.

You never know, one day she might find herself in a similar position and be really grateful that someone takes her under their wing.

YABU

Mintyy · 11/09/2013 21:50

I would say exactly what JamieAndTheMagicTorch said above.

Also, you appear to have two separate issues:

  1. about your dd being special friends with Daisy and 2. about whether or not the school can get your dd up to a level where she can get into a selective independent (which, frankly, is unlikely, unless you pay for private tutoring).

So, if you are going to speak to anyone at school about this, make sure you are clear about what your issue is.

Original poster
madamevastra29 · 11/09/2013 21:53

The other girl has issues with social interaction and forming relationships. DD seems to think she is quite behind. I'm not saying I don't want DD to be friends with her because of this, but I don't want the friendship to be overly forced IYSWIM.

Surely the school has a duty to stretch DD academically rather than make her help those struggling? My issue with the teacher being an NQT is that she seems to be struggling to control what is due to circumstance a very challenging class.

OP posts:
BrokenSunglasses · 11/09/2013 21:55

What has happened to make you think the teacher is struggling to control a challenging class?

forehead · 11/09/2013 21:59

I am shocked by the TA behaviour. She is definitely out of order

Ragusa · 11/09/2013 22:00

What's the girl being 'behind' got to do with anything??

Is this really about your worry that your DD might be distracted from her academic, ahem, destiny?? First week of year 1 is a bit early to worry about your DD being stretched isn't it?

kali110 · 11/09/2013 22:01

They have only asked your dd to not leave her on her todd at break and lunchtimes while she is settling in, its hardly the end of the world!if it was reversed would you be ok that your daisy was being left on her own at a new school and parents were bitching about her?
Yabu.

Ragusa · 11/09/2013 22:03

State educatoon these days is aboit more than being academically stretched. Schools have a duty to try and foster social and emotional development, too (kindness, compassion, understanding, helping others)...

joanofarchitrave · 11/09/2013 22:03

I agree that it is the teacher's job to stretch your dd academically - but I also agree that having to teach a topic and articulate her understanding is a brilliant way to stretch your dd. I would want to find out if this approach is used in every class (I would not like this and would ask whether there were ways of sharing around this role) or in one/occasional classes, which IMO would be fine.

I would make an appointment to talk to the teacher about her approach to friendship issues. I would also tbh invite Daisy to come home to see their interaction up close. If you think there is a problem in the relationship, that may show it up. Alternatively, you may find that Daisy is in fact becoming a good friend as time goes on - it's still very early in the term - and that inviting her home cements this.

Ragusa · 11/09/2013 22:03

Sorry for typos, on phone...

forehead · 11/09/2013 22:06

BTW- yabu and unsympathetic. Your own daughter could find herself in the same situation in her selective independent. Have compassion fgs

thebody · 11/09/2013 22:17

oh dear.

firstly maybe your dd and her friends could make an effort to include daisy in their play as that's nice really isn't it?

secondly I am a TA and am privy to extremely sensitive information about children. how DARE this TA gossip to you about a child to you. absolutely disgraceful.

thirdly your dd believes Daisy is 'behind'? how so and why would that bother her? be her/ your business?

fourthly children working in groups and helping each other has been done since schools began and its a great learning experience.

the best teachers can be NQTs as they are enthusiastic and full of ideas. it's early in the term so cut Daisy and the teacher some slack.

Awomansworth · 11/09/2013 22:18

If I were you OP I would be letting my dd know how much her CT must value her since she chose her to help a classmate who is struggling socially. Stressing that she must have loads of empathy to take on this valuable role that her CT has entrusted to her.

But... you're not me! You would rather give the message, by your actions that she should only be concerned with herself and fuck anyone that might need a bit of help and support.

Final note would be for you to tell the TA that she needs to be careful as the next persons she gossips too about a child, might just report her and she would most definitely lose her job.

The pair of you sound like nasty gossips.

judgejudithjudy · 11/09/2013 22:22

yabu & the ta needs reporting!

Rockinhippy · 11/09/2013 22:23

I'm sorry but I think YABVU & your post smacks a bit of tiger mum

Perhaps if you encouraged yor DD to help this girl, rather than backing her complaints & quite probably by the sounds if it, playground whispering that will leave this poor DC feeling awful - if your DD & her friends help this girl, she will feel liked & valued, which will boost her confidence & she will soon find her feet & her own friends, who knows " issues"Hmm or not, your DD & her friends might actually end up liking her & finding a new friend for themselves Wink

Helping your DD learn how to be a more rounded & caring human being will not hold her back accademcally if she is as bright as you say, it might just enrich her life, give her valuable interpersonal skills & give her something to be very proud of herself for.

& I say that as the mum of an older very bright DD who has mentored many a DC new, or struggling in class, often with. " issues" & love to help others when she has finished her own work, it's not held her back one bit, but enriched her life.

Number & letter crunching alone are not the only important skills in life & I am just as, if not more proud of DDs school report comments on her lovely caring, helpful nature & what a valuable member of school she is, as I am of her top grades & G&T status.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 11/09/2013 22:28

Wow. I don't know what to say.

YABVVVVVU and I think I'd better leave it at that.

I don't want to say anything I might regret. I have a perfect track record of no deletions and I don't want to jeopardise that.

If I calm down I will come back later and write a well considered and thorough response of why you sound like such a

AndHarry · 11/09/2013 22:29

YANBU on your DD being asked to help other children with their work. That was me at school and I hated it. I was always sat next to the least-able person in my class and told to 'help' them. I didn't have the maturity or skills to help them understand a topic that I was only just being taught and the teachers were failing to make them understand, so we just ended up getting frustrated with each other. It really affected my social development and not in a good way :(

For the rest of it, I can see where the teacher is coming from but it does sound like too much pressure on one person. It should be a group including Daisy, not your DD all day in lessons and at break.

I would talk to the teacher about all of it.

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