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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To request that DD's teacher stops trying to force a friendship with this girl?

301 replies

madamevastra29 · 11/09/2013 20:53

It's a tricky one, I'm not happy with the situation but I don't want to come across the wrong way less than a week in. DD has just gone into year4 in what isn't a brilliant class environment IMO, the school reshuffled the classes for this year and DD has ended up in a very boy heavy class with a newly qualified teacher new to the school this year. DD is luckily with a couple of her friends from her year 3 class, as there is a very limited friendship pool of girls.

There's one girl in the class (I'll call her Daisy) who came to the school last term, in a different class. This girl has struggled to settle in from what I can gather and the year 4 teacher has told DD she has to be her "companion" and look after her at playtime and lunchtime. She is also sitting next to her for most of the day. Perfectly fine. DD, however, isn't happy with this arrangement, she says she wants to please her teacher and look after Daisy, but she wants to have either playtime or lunchtime each day to play just her best friend and her as they normally do, and not always babysitting. She was told off by her teacher today because she left Daisy by herself at lunch- while I can see where the teacher is coming from, I don't think DD should be punished for wanting to play with her best friend.

I'm concerned as the fact DD has been put next to this girl shows the teacher has not put the class on ability grouped tables, DD is very bright and when she finishes work early is asked to help Daisy and other girls on the table. We are aiming for DD to go to a selective independent for secondary, and need her to be stretched if she's going to be on track. I know from one of the other mums who works at the school as a teaching assistant that this girl has a lot of issues, I've yet to find her mum in the playground though so haven't had the chance to get to know her. I'm perfectly happy for DD to be friendly, but given DD is perfectly happy in her existing friendships and doesn't want to be lumbered with this girl 24/7, I don't want DD to be paired up with her more and more by the teacher. AIBU to voice my concerns to DD's teacher?

OP posts:
Rockinhippy · 11/09/2013 23:14

& FTR I'm not saying that the OP shouldn't ask the teacher about this situation, shes worried & her DD is telling her that she is stressing about the situation

but do keep an open mind, remember its only been a week & that 8 year olds can be very dramatic & prone to getting the wrong end of the stick, it's also the age when the claws, bitching & back biting start to raise their ugly heads & also that the teacher really has nothing to gain by allowing a bright DC to do her job for her, that will not be what the mentoring is about.

But baring that in mind, yes, ask what the situation really is & how you can best support your DD with it

Crumbledwalnuts · 11/09/2013 23:15

"your child helping the other children is probably the best learning that she does."

This is not true.

pigletmania · 11/09/2013 23:15

I don't think op said her dd hated spending time with Daisy, just tat she wanted some space sometimes, some are really exaggerating things

kiriwawa · 11/09/2013 23:16

Urgh - as ever, this thread is being split along NT/SN lines. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Still, it's helpful to know who's on your side when the chips are down.

Crumbledwalnuts · 11/09/2013 23:16

Helping do buttons up is rather different from using academic learning time to help another child who should be helped by a teacher or a teaching assistant. The OPs child has no experience in dyslexia, or dyscalculia, or learning difficulties, or teaching methodology, or expectations.

LEMisdisappointed · 11/09/2013 23:17

Would you care to extrapolate on that crumbled? I have direct experience with my dd so do tell me so I can go and put her teachers straight

HavantGuard · 11/09/2013 23:17

What the teacher is doing is actually making your DD (and probably her best friend) resent this girl. In their eyes this girl is the reason they can't go and play the way they want to, the reason your DD has been told off. Poor teaching.

MidniteScribbler · 11/09/2013 23:19

Crumbledwalnuts, it is true. Often a student can perform a task very well on their own, but ask them to explain that task to you or another student and you can quickly identify gaps in their understanding which can then be addressed. Knowing how to do something and having a full understanding of it are two different things and a good teacher will make sure that understanding is being addressed, not just procedural knowledge.

LegoDragon · 11/09/2013 23:19

Tbh, it's not fair on either of them. Talk to the teacher- I wouldn't call it bullying. School can seem all encompassing to some children and it's very easy to feel pressurised and trapped- this is what happened to me. It went on for longer than this. And yes, I ended up trying to escape and she was left on her own and I was upset and so was she. It didn't work.

This is the first week. Talk to the teacher but make sure it's not about stopping the buddying- ask if if will be solely DD doing it or as a group/rota thing, and check your dd has the full view and is correct, with the teacher. If the group buddy thing isn't happening, ask for more support for DD/buddies.

If I was the teacher, this would personally include organised games for a wider buddy group (not depending on one sole child), to help Daisy become more socially active and help to develop friendships and take the strain off your dd, and all of this has been used and done before in my school.

LEMisdisappointed · 11/09/2013 23:19

My dd is dyslexic she "helps" another wee lad with his reading of course this is not the only help he gets my dd benefits greatly

Crumbledwalnuts · 11/09/2013 23:19

How? It won't be the best learning she does. It is valuable to learn to help other children; it is valuable to try to understand other children. It is not valuable to be so burdened with it you resent it. If you do think it's the best learning that any child does, then you should want it shared between the entire class.

Hazeydays · 11/09/2013 23:20

perhaps your daughters interpersonal skills could be stretched and improved by the "babysitting" as you put it and that that, rather than academic brilliance may aid her movement into a posh fee paying school.

as a teaching professsional it is possibllity that the teacher sees your daughter as mature enough to be able to integrate and introduce this daisy to the other girls in the class and help her with a scary and daunting time for her???!!!!

Its only week one FGS, and as someone else pointed out its hardly 24/7, perhaps try and concentrate on the fact that your daughter is being taught to be helpful and responsible...

as for the classroom assisstant, if she can "tell tales out of school" re Daisy would she really be the most reliable source of info????

Hazeydays · 11/09/2013 23:20

perhaps your daughters interpersonal skills could be stretched and improved by the "babysitting" as you put it and that that, rather than academic brilliance may aid her movement into a posh fee paying school.

as a teaching professsional it is possibllity that the teacher sees your daughter as mature enough to be able to integrate and introduce this daisy to the other girls in the class and help her with a scary and daunting time for her???!!!!

Its only week one FGS, and as someone else pointed out its hardly 24/7, perhaps try and concentrate on the fact that your daughter is being taught to be helpful and responsible...

as for the classroom assisstant, if she can "tell tales out of school" re Daisy would she really be the most reliable source of info????

Crumbledwalnuts · 11/09/2013 23:20

I'm sure she does benefit. I couldn't possibly deny it.

Fairenuff · 11/09/2013 23:20

Helping do buttons up is rather different from using academic learning time to help another child who should be helped by a teacher or a teaching assistant

But that's the point isn't it Crumbled. Education is not all academic. It is also social, emotional, spiritual and personal. The child needs to grow into a fully balanced adult with lots of interpersonal skills as well as the academic achievements.

HavantGuard · 11/09/2013 23:21

Did everyone miss that this girl joined the school in the summer term?

Fairenuff · 11/09/2013 23:21

x post Hazey Smile

Crumbledwalnuts · 11/09/2013 23:22

Midnitescribbler: unless you are observing both children while one is imparting the explanation what you describe is simply unworkable.

Jinsei · 11/09/2013 23:22

I was "forced" by a teacher at secondary school to befriend a girl who had recently moved from another school. I moaned and groaned because I found the girl irritating and I didn't want to "babysit" instead of hanging out with my friends.

My much wiser mother gave me pretty short shrift and suggested that I judge less and empathise more. As for the irritating girl? Well, I got to know her and we're still great friends 25 years later.

Perhaps your dd can learn something from this situation?

LegoDragon · 11/09/2013 23:23

Oh yes, missed that.

OP, did she talk about it during the holidays at all, then? Seem anxious or pressurised about it?

LegoDragon · 11/09/2013 23:23

Oh yes, missed that.

OP, did she talk about it during the holidays at all, then? Seem anxious or pressurised about it?

LegoDragon · 11/09/2013 23:23

Oh yes, missed that.

OP, did she talk about it during the holidays at all, then? Seem anxious or pressurised about it?

LegoDragon · 11/09/2013 23:24

Argh, shit.

Crumbledwalnuts · 11/09/2013 23:24

Fairenuff - Midnitescribbler, a teacher, assumes it is part of her academic education. You say it isn't. If it is not, and the child is also being asked to mind Daisy in the playground at lunch and break, then the child is being asked to bear almost the entire burden of the social and personal settling of this girl in school. If it is, then the teacher should be observing the child and Daisy as the child seeks to help her academically.

LEMisdisappointed · 11/09/2013 23:26

But it really does help academically there is a saying that I cant remember accurately. It says you remember 5% of what you hear. 20% of what you read.50% of what you do and 90% of what you teach. You have to really engage with the subject to teach or show it. Its something I would welcome. I do happen to agree that the teacher shoulnt be forcing an exclusive friendship to be hobest I just read the rest of the shitty op and sae red.