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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To request that DD's teacher stops trying to force a friendship with this girl?

301 replies

madamevastra29 · 11/09/2013 20:53

It's a tricky one, I'm not happy with the situation but I don't want to come across the wrong way less than a week in. DD has just gone into year4 in what isn't a brilliant class environment IMO, the school reshuffled the classes for this year and DD has ended up in a very boy heavy class with a newly qualified teacher new to the school this year. DD is luckily with a couple of her friends from her year 3 class, as there is a very limited friendship pool of girls.

There's one girl in the class (I'll call her Daisy) who came to the school last term, in a different class. This girl has struggled to settle in from what I can gather and the year 4 teacher has told DD she has to be her "companion" and look after her at playtime and lunchtime. She is also sitting next to her for most of the day. Perfectly fine. DD, however, isn't happy with this arrangement, she says she wants to please her teacher and look after Daisy, but she wants to have either playtime or lunchtime each day to play just her best friend and her as they normally do, and not always babysitting. She was told off by her teacher today because she left Daisy by herself at lunch- while I can see where the teacher is coming from, I don't think DD should be punished for wanting to play with her best friend.

I'm concerned as the fact DD has been put next to this girl shows the teacher has not put the class on ability grouped tables, DD is very bright and when she finishes work early is asked to help Daisy and other girls on the table. We are aiming for DD to go to a selective independent for secondary, and need her to be stretched if she's going to be on track. I know from one of the other mums who works at the school as a teaching assistant that this girl has a lot of issues, I've yet to find her mum in the playground though so haven't had the chance to get to know her. I'm perfectly happy for DD to be friendly, but given DD is perfectly happy in her existing friendships and doesn't want to be lumbered with this girl 24/7, I don't want DD to be paired up with her more and more by the teacher. AIBU to voice my concerns to DD's teacher?

OP posts:
MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 11/09/2013 22:58

YANBU

It's really unfair to your dd to single her out as being responsible for daisy at every break and lunch time

Of course the teacher should be ensuring daisy settles in well and help her to make friends but I thing she's going the wrong way about it

forehead · 11/09/2013 22:58

BTW, are you actually sure that the teacher shouted at your dd. Kids can
exaggerate.
I don't care whether the TA wanted the OP to feel compassion, she was out of order and should be disciplined.
I would be angry if i knew that the TA was discussing my child with another parent.

Rockinhippy · 11/09/2013 22:59

But it's her DDs version of events, as she sees it though & a DC of that age is very unlikely to see the whole picture, I doubt very very much that it is as the DD sees it, the support will be there for her DD, she is not doing the teachers or TAs job, just helping to befriend a lonely classmate until she finds her feet - it's only been a week

Crumbledwalnuts · 11/09/2013 22:59

You are not uptight OP, and your daughter is, I'm sure, not unkind. It sounds like she is doing quite a lot to help this little girl. Do not be bullied into thinking you are being mean. Your concern is quite natural. For the other child, it will benefit her enormously if there is a more structured settling system with more than one buddy. It is much better to involve the entire class, and have a key mentor pair from an older class, from Y6. Older girls are more likely to understand and enjoy the task of helping a younger girl when the occasion requires, if a class settling plan is not working for some reason.

Crumbledwalnuts · 11/09/2013 23:00

"But it's her DDs version of events"

And what if it's true? Do you approve?

The first job is to establish whether it is true. If it is, then it is unacceptable.

dedado · 11/09/2013 23:01

It's a while since I was that age, but I can't imagine that feeling forced to spend all school day with a particular person would foster a real friendship between the girls - in either direction. The teacher would be better asking a group of children or playground assistants to ensure daisy is included. Maybe daisy likes to spend her breaks playing different games to the OP's daughter anyway? Far better for daisy to be helped to make several friends.

pigletmania · 11/09/2013 23:01

Op I would have a chat with te teacher about your concerns

pigletmania · 11/09/2013 23:01

And get an accurate picture of the situation

Crumbledwalnuts · 11/09/2013 23:01

"Teach your daughter compassion"
How rude. The OP says that her daughter already wants to help Daisy but is finding the 100percent nature of it too much.

Crumbledwalnuts · 11/09/2013 23:04

Thankyou Pigletmania.

LEMisdisappointed · 11/09/2013 23:04

But it would be ok if this child was duper bright and able to stretch and challenge your dd?

You dont sound very nice op

kiriwawa · 11/09/2013 23:05

85 posts. And only 2 of those from the OP ...

Crumbledwalnuts · 11/09/2013 23:05

"But it would be ok if this child was duper bright and able to stretch and challenge your dd?"

Now who's making things up?

Rockinhippy · 11/09/2013 23:06

And what if it's true? Do you approve

After only a week - YES!!

A bit of kindness & compassion go a long way & there have been enough teachers on this thread that have alreadybpointed out that mentoring less able pupils can also be their way of assessing if & where the OPs DD needs stretching & that BOTH pupils learn from it.

quoteunquote · 11/09/2013 23:06

OP,

Just out of interest, did the TA when asked if Daisy has other issues, smile and nod?

and is DD your first child?

pigletmania · 11/09/2013 23:07

It's true though op and her 8 year of dd are getting a lot of vilification on here, it's totally unfair the Chid is being treated extremely harshly on here by some, that is totally unacceptable!

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 11/09/2013 23:08

If the teacher can't teach Daisy what she needs to know, what makes her think your DD will be able to Confused
Your DD is not there for the convenience of the staff, or the social inclusion of the other children, and she certainly should not be made to feel that she is, or that she is somehow "doing something wrong" if she doesn't want to play with a particular child for any reason.

MidniteScribbler · 11/09/2013 23:09

A few points:

  1. TA should be sacked.

  2. I constantly changing groupings in my classroom. Only I would know if they are ability based, mixed ability, cultural based, friendship based or just because that's what I darn well feel like doing that day. Some days I have the kids draw from a hat, or draw cards to determine their groups. Everyone will work with everyone else at some point during a week in my classroom. In fact, ability groups are probably my least used grouping of all (see point 2).

  3. Students learn in a social collaborative environment. It's not that your daughter is expected to help another student, it's that they are working in groups towards a shared outcome. That means that they all learn from each other. I expect everyone to help everyone else out in my classroom, as everybody has something to offer. As others have mentioned, a student helping out another student can actually identify gaps in their understanding which can then be addressed.

  4. I'd bet my last dollar that the teacher is actually identifying elements of bullying your daughters behaviour. Deliberately excluding someone is a form of bullying, and it's something to be addressed quickly before it escalates. It's something you should also be working on with her at home as the comments she are making are exclusionary and downright awful.

PhantomMenace · 11/09/2013 23:09

This breaks my heart, my daughter could be "daisy". She too started a new school I year 3 and has "issues" (autism).
If another mother told me that their DC hated having to spend time with my DD im not sure how I would react to that with sympathy for you.

pigletmania · 11/09/2013 23:10

Exactly Pom it is up to the school to help Daisy not place the task on a child. It does not sound as though it's eing managed very well by the school tbh

Crumbledwalnuts · 11/09/2013 23:10

"Teachers.. have already pointed out that mentoring less able pupils can also be their way of assessing if & where the OPs DD needs stretching & that BOTH pupils learn from it"

How convenient for them.

pigletmania · 11/09/2013 23:12

Miniute that is extremely harsh, just because op dd wants to have her wn space sometimes does not make it bullying Hmm.

LEMisdisappointed · 11/09/2013 23:13

You also have no idea about how people learn your child helping the other children is probably the best learning that she does. I cant stand parents like you who think your children are more important because they are bright. My dd is a "daisy" but I can tell you some thing she may not be the brightest child in the cleass but she is the most loving and caring child who would welcome daisy with open arms. God this op has boiled my piss

Crumbledwalnuts · 11/09/2013 23:14

  1. Students learn in a social collaborative environment. It's not that your daughter is expected to help another student, it's that they are working in groups towards a shared outcome. That means that they all learn from each other. I expect everyone to help everyone else out in my classroom, as everybody has something to offer. As others have mentioned, a student helping out another student can actually identify gaps in their understanding which can then be addressed.

  2. I'd bet my last dollar that the teacher is actually identifying elements of bullying your daughters behaviour. Deliberately excluding someone is a form of bullying, and it's something to be addressed quickly before it escalates. It's something you should also be working on with her at home as the comments she are making are exclusionary and downright awful.

This is horrible coming from a teacher. I find this tremendously worrying.

Fairenuff · 11/09/2013 23:14

Even in reception, they help each other. When changing for PE those who can do buttons help those who can't. Otherwise, the teaching staff have about 150 buttons to undo and another 150 to do up after PE.

All the children I know have been more than happy to help, they receive a lot of praise for it too. It's good for their self esteem.