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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To request that DD's teacher stops trying to force a friendship with this girl?

301 replies

madamevastra29 · 11/09/2013 20:53

It's a tricky one, I'm not happy with the situation but I don't want to come across the wrong way less than a week in. DD has just gone into year4 in what isn't a brilliant class environment IMO, the school reshuffled the classes for this year and DD has ended up in a very boy heavy class with a newly qualified teacher new to the school this year. DD is luckily with a couple of her friends from her year 3 class, as there is a very limited friendship pool of girls.

There's one girl in the class (I'll call her Daisy) who came to the school last term, in a different class. This girl has struggled to settle in from what I can gather and the year 4 teacher has told DD she has to be her "companion" and look after her at playtime and lunchtime. She is also sitting next to her for most of the day. Perfectly fine. DD, however, isn't happy with this arrangement, she says she wants to please her teacher and look after Daisy, but she wants to have either playtime or lunchtime each day to play just her best friend and her as they normally do, and not always babysitting. She was told off by her teacher today because she left Daisy by herself at lunch- while I can see where the teacher is coming from, I don't think DD should be punished for wanting to play with her best friend.

I'm concerned as the fact DD has been put next to this girl shows the teacher has not put the class on ability grouped tables, DD is very bright and when she finishes work early is asked to help Daisy and other girls on the table. We are aiming for DD to go to a selective independent for secondary, and need her to be stretched if she's going to be on track. I know from one of the other mums who works at the school as a teaching assistant that this girl has a lot of issues, I've yet to find her mum in the playground though so haven't had the chance to get to know her. I'm perfectly happy for DD to be friendly, but given DD is perfectly happy in her existing friendships and doesn't want to be lumbered with this girl 24/7, I don't want DD to be paired up with her more and more by the teacher. AIBU to voice my concerns to DD's teacher?

OP posts:
poopadoop · 11/09/2013 22:30

YABVU
'The other girl has issues with social interaction and forming relationships' - how could you possibly know this one week in? And so what if she does? The school should indeed 'stretch' your DD - in compassion and tolerance, and your DD clearly needs it if she can't find a way to include Daisy at lunchtime. I imagine an ideal of most schools is teamwork and being part of a community, where everyone's strengths and individuality can be developed. If you want your DD to do well, part of that should definitely be in terms of character. Even if she seems naturally bright, you clearly need to help her backwardness in understanding how to be kind and a fuller part of the school community.

MCos · 11/09/2013 22:31

My DDs are similar ages. I can see some of where you are coming from, while still feeling sorry for the other little girl.

You DD isn't getting time to 'relax' during the school day if she is the sole 'minder' of this girl. If the teacher requested your DD AND her best friend together to 'mind' the new girl on the breaks, they might be more open to it.
Also, I do think that your DD should have at least one break from this duty. She is only a child, and some time to relax during the breaks is necessary, IMO.

cherrytomato40 · 11/09/2013 22:34

I think the key is your DD was told off for leaving Daisy on her own not for playing with her other friends. You should be encouraging DD to include Daisy with her other friends. If she wants time on her own with her best friend, invite her over for a playdate.

MikeOxard · 11/09/2013 22:36

Your child should not be told off for spending her lunch break with her friends. It's not her job to babysit, that's very unfair. Your child needs her free time as much as any other child, and I would tell the teacher in no uncertain terms that they will not dictate who dd spends lunch with, or tell her off for not doing something which she is under absolutely no obligation to do. In this respect YANBU.

maddening · 11/09/2013 22:38

why can't Daisy play with the best friend too? This way she will get to play with other dc and make her own friendships - why does it have to be her or the best friend for your dd?

Rockinhippy · 11/09/2013 22:38

I'm actually quite saddened by the number of posters that after only a week of this situation, believe the OP to NBU,

what a sad world we live in :(

maddening · 11/09/2013 22:39

ps the spirit of kindness is a good lesson to learn.

curlew · 11/09/2013 22:40

Don't worry. When your dd gets to her "selective independent school" she will be safe from the Daisys of this world.

pooka · 11/09/2013 22:41

Poor daisy. Can't you out yourself in her position and imagine how you would feel , struggling to settle in and being left out of playground stuff with there being a small pool of girls?

Compassion and kindness are essential skills to be learned as well as test-passing.

maddening · 11/09/2013 22:41

and she isn't "baby sitting" she is just being asked to include the girl in her games with her friends - it's not babysitting at all imo

maddening · 11/09/2013 22:41

and she isn't "baby sitting" she is just being asked to include the girl in her games with her friends - it's not babysitting at all imo

pooka · 11/09/2013 22:42

Also agree that the TA mum should stop gossiping - sackable offence and rightly so.

whatastar · 11/09/2013 22:43

lets hope when your daughter starts a new school she is never a daisy , be a whole different post if your daughter was left out !

ravenAK · 11/09/2013 22:43

We're a bit beyond the stage of just telling Child A to 'oh help B will you, since you've finished everything?' stage that some of us experienced as the class bright kid in the 70s/80s, though, AndHarry.

If it's properly guided & structured both students should learn a great deal from peer support.

Whether this is actually happening or not might be something you'd want to keep an eye on, especially given a very busy NQT & a challenging class, but it's definitely not an automatic recipe for stultifying boredom for the OP's dd. It could well be exactly the 'stretching' she needs, in fact.

As for the friendship thing - well, if I honestly thought she hadn't noticed, I might quietly let the teacher know that dd & Daisy haven't really hit it off, & although dd is happy to carry on being a kind, friendly student & helping the new girl (& I'd be telling dd in NO uncertain terms to take one for the team & be glad she's so well-regarded by her teacher), Daisy might be happier, long term, if teacher encourages her to find other friends too.

But I might give it longer than a fortnight before I started teaching the poor teacher how to suck eggs!

TA, otoh, wants reporting. Totally unacceptable professional conduct.

Fairenuff · 11/09/2013 22:44

The other girl has issues with social interaction and forming relationships

And how do you think the school might try to help her with this?

Perhaps by introducing her to other girls she might become friends with? By encouraging the other children to include her and make sure she isn't left on her own at breaktimes? By being welcoming and friendly?

I wonder, OP, what you would do if you were her teacher. Leave her to flounder on her own in a new environment and hope for the best?

LegoDragon · 11/09/2013 22:47

I think the OP is NBU. My DD1 was in Daisy's situation. Tbh, as the mum of 'Daisy' I don't want my child to be in a friendship which is forced. They need to help with social skills and use a generalised buddy system- even if it's on a rota or spread between the girls so they don't have to feel trapped. My DD1 is behind academically and socially. School should be helping her and not depending on an able- but not teacher level- child to assist with both of those things.

littlemisswise · 11/09/2013 22:47

This thread is really sad.

My children have been new to schools on occasion and have had buddies. They have, also, been buddies. No-one was left on their own or made to feel a burden, some really, really close friendships were formed.

I think you and your DD should be thinking more about how it include Daisy, not how to leave her out. Why can't she just join in with your DD and her other friends. As for helping with work, I remember helping other children in the 70's, it's good for both parties.

Rockinhippy · 11/09/2013 22:48

I agree to that the TA shouldn't be gossiping, though perhaps she felt her comments might actually raise some compassion in the OP for this poor girl & therefore support & understanding. These sort of imbalanced class ratios are can be very difficult & can mean school becomes hell for those left on the sidelines as this poor girl obviously is, not good she gossiped & yes stackable but maybe she mistakenly thought it would help

I almost wish the OP was a troll :(

pigletmania · 11/09/2013 22:49

I can see both sides here, it is unfair that te teacher has just asked your dd to lookout for Daisy, the teacher could handle things better. Mabey ask different girls to include Daisy so she widens her friendships. I wonder if there is circle f friends thing going at te school, that Daisy could be part of

Crumbledwalnuts · 11/09/2013 22:49

I would seriously ignore all this shock and horror at your concern.

Firstly, the teacher should not be asking your daughter to help in the way she is helping in class.

Secondly there is no way an girl that age should bear the entire weight of (firstly being another child's classroom helper and secondly) the entire effort of helping an extremely unhappy child settle at school.

The first job is to establish whether either or both of these things are happening. Then the first must be stopped forthwith, and the second must be shared with the entire class.

If what your daughter says is true, then it is an unreasonable burden. The first task is to establish whether it is true. It is then up to you to act accordingly, because it won't stop until you do.

vjg13 · 11/09/2013 22:49

Go in all guns blazing and explain all this to the teacher, maybe then 'Daisy' may get some support from a kinder child with a less uptight parent.

WilsonFrickett · 11/09/2013 22:52

The other girl has issues with social interaction and forming relationships

Are those your DD's words? Or your friendly neighbourhood TA's? Or have you just made it up?

Nasty gossipy nimby. I'd say I hope your attitude doesn't rub off on your dd, but it sounds like I'm too late for that.

pigletmania · 11/09/2013 22:54

Crumble has it spot on, the vilification op is getting is just as bad. Op dd is just a Chid ad it should not be her sole responsibility to look after this girl and help other Chidren in the class, that is the job of te teachers and TAs

Fairenuff · 11/09/2013 22:57

It sounds like this is what is happening, though LegoDragon. OP herself said it's been less than a week. If you are buddying someone it would be for at least a week, maybe two, and then change.

All the children in my class are partnered up, pretty much at random and they change partners about every three weeks. They sit at mixed ability tables but go into different, ability based groups for numeracy and phonics.

The only children that wouldn't be paired up would be those that clash or don't work well together.

Also, one of the ways to assess whether a child has learned something is to ask them to explain it to another child. If they can 'teach' it, then they have learned it, so the teacher might be making some assessments of your dd, OP, in order to establish where she needs to be stretched.

solarbright · 11/09/2013 22:58

Eating lunch on your own as the new child must be horrible. Teach your daughter compassion, ask her how she would feel in a new school with no friends yet. She could introduce her to other students, and Daisy will find her own friends. She just needs some help at the beginning.

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