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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To report my husband to social services warning distressing content

195 replies

Arnie123 · 10/09/2013 10:50

My son is 2 and at weekend I noticed a V shape red mark on the front of his neck. The shape of the v was a perfect match for his sweatshirt and I could see instantly what had happened is my son had been picked up by the back of the sweatshirt and lifted in the air. The mark was still present but less so on Sunday and by Monday had gone. He admitted the incident and there were no mitigating circumstances eg he was running into the road and he grabbed him for safety reasons. As he is blind I surreptitiously recorded the conversation for evidence. He has told me he is sorry and it is an isolated incident. Over the weekend I was in a state of shock so did not report him but monitored his contact with my son. Now it has sunk in I feel I need to get the locks changed today and call the ss it will mean the end of our marriage but I regard what has happened as very serious and need to put my son first. Please no sarky or nasty comments I am incredibly distressed right now and need support not criticism

OP posts:

Mumsyblouse · 10/09/2013 11:03

I'm sorry, from what you said, SS will not be remotely interested in whether your child eats chips and pie and watches TV all day . The wet nappy is more concerning.

I don't understand who is blind, and I don't understand why you would call SS about your son when the obvious thing to do, if you genuinely believe your husband is an unfit parent, is to leave him/ask him to leave the marital home, and have supervised contact visits, which would require a lot more proof of neglect and abuse than you currently have.

Writerwannabe83 · 10/09/2013 11:04

How blind is this dad??? He certainly seems to have an independent role of caring for this child alone.....

Unexpected · 10/09/2013 11:04

Why do you keep calling him "my" son? Is your dh not his biological dad?

Morloth · 10/09/2013 11:05

If you think your husband is neglecting and abusing your son, you must get him out of the house ASAP.

There must be more to this, for you to jump to the conclusion you have there must be background.

BringOn2014 · 10/09/2013 11:05

I am seriously confused at the first few responses to this thread.

OP, Is there a backstory or your DH in any other way violent/aggressive? If not you are massively over reacting.

Your DH said he grabbed him to stop him running into a road, he may have pulled him back hard but he potentially saved his life.
My 3 year old DD once ran out in the car park in tesco, I grabbed her arm (first thing I could reach) and yanked her back forcibly. Some busybody old lady was passing and said I should be more careful that I could have dislocated her arm, but I was far more worried about her being hit by a car than dislocating her arm.

You panic when your child runs out into the road and I can guarantee it does not cross your mind to pull them back gently, you just do what you have to do.. Is this not what your DH has done?!

Writerwannabe83 · 10/09/2013 11:05

friggin - I know blind people can be parents, I'm just asking how severe it is if he is allowed to care for the child on his own and whether his limited vision may be a problem in terms of well he can do it for a child so young.

dreamingbohemian · 10/09/2013 11:05

OP -- have you posted about your husband before? The being blind, giving your son chips and tv all day sounds familiar.

If you are that same poster, then I don't know why you are still with him. Things haven't been good for a very long time.

Mumsyblouse · 10/09/2013 11:06

And- why not go down the route of seeing if you can get more help for your husband, if he's struggling with his disability and caring responsibilities? What about him attending some dads groups? Sure Start? The parenting group where they come around to your house? (not sure of name).

I feel there must be more to this story than is here for you to have a very extreme reaction, even though I get you are deeply worried by the mark on your child (which is not trivial, even though you might not want to go to SS as a first port of call).

Writerwannabe83 · 10/09/2013 11:07

bring - the situation of the car/road didn't actually happen. The OP was just using an example of when it may have been justifiable to grab her soon.

Runningchick123 · 10/09/2013 11:07

This has got to be one of the most confusing posts of all time.
Can the OP please clarify if her husband is blind.
If he is bond then surely that would impact on his ability to do certain things such as cooking nutritious food, playing with the child, gong to the park etc.
If he is blind then he wouldn't have known that the skin was reddened or perhaps that he and pulled the jumper too tightly.
Why did he pull the jumper?
It sounds like you need a home help / childminder rather than social services.

DropYourSword · 10/09/2013 11:07

PEOPLE seriously need to read the OP properly!!

Original poster

Arnie123 · 10/09/2013 11:07

Husband is blind and I know of many blind parents who do a perfectly good job. Being disabled is not an excuse for what has happened

OP posts:

pudcat · 10/09/2013 11:07

Why on earth would you want to report him? Your husband is blind, how on earth could he see where he was grabbing him? Is this the same husband you accused of lying over smoking, and of being lazy around the house? I feel really sorry for him if you go over the top with small things.

BringOn2014 · 10/09/2013 11:07

Sorry xpost with loads of posts just seen he wasnt running into the road.

Unexpected · 10/09/2013 11:07

BringOn the OP said there were NO mitigating circumstances, she was using the running into the road as a potential example of when grabbing the child might have been acceptable.

queenofdrama · 10/09/2013 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Original poster

Arnie123 · 10/09/2013 11:09

He actually has an nvq level 3 in catering as is more capable than me at cooking meals

OP posts:

Mumsyblouse · 10/09/2013 11:09

And- as for recording your own husband so you can use this in evidence, as he is blind, I find that deeply distasteful, whatever he has done. I have not parented correctly always and if my husband recorded me telling him what a crap parent I had been on a one off occasion, I would leave him, not the other way around.

Nancy66 · 10/09/2013 11:09

Very odd post.

Changing locks, reporting to social services? Extreme reaction if what you describe is the one and only incident: blind father grabbing toddler by jumper.

christinarossetti · 10/09/2013 11:10

OP, I think you're in shock and need to talk through this situation face-to-face with someone you know and trust eg friend, GP, colleague or call the NSPCC.

This thread will probably receive a few sensible, supportive replies, lots of LTB, and lots of people not really reading your posts, and you probably need help that is a lot more coherent than that right now.

Best of luck.

ShatnersBassoon · 10/09/2013 11:10

Without knowing how or why the jumper was pulled around his neck, it's impossible to give an opinion.

Regarding the wet clothes and poor diet, I'd guess that your DH is struggling to cope with looking after a toddler on his own. It must be very hard for him to keep the child safe if he can't see what's happening, so perhaps sitting in front of the TV is the only thing he's confident enough to do in the house. Again, cooking must be hard when he's trying to monitor a young child he can't see.

dreamingbohemian · 10/09/2013 11:10

OP -- again, what was his explanation? Without knowing that, it's hard to know what to advise.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 10/09/2013 11:11

so if you have discussed this, surely he told you why he did it?

I mean, he surely didnt say "yes i picked him up like that for no reason and i am sorry"

There must have been more to the conversation?

Weegiemum · 10/09/2013 11:11

If you report to ss they take the whole family situation into account.

My mother maliciously reported me. They were just as interested in dh's role in child care.

(Needless to say I'm estranged from my mother).

If you report your dh to ss, they'll also be very interested in why you feel it's ok to leave ds in his care if you're worried enough to call them.

HeySoulSister · 10/09/2013 11:11

So have you asked him for his version of events?

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