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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

was i right to tell my ds not to apologise to this woman??

578 replies

mummyjs · 09/09/2013 21:22

my ds (4) and i were in the chemist waiting for a prescription.
my ds was stood by the door pressing the button to open it for people to come in and out and smiling at them and chatting away, people were saying than you and he was smiling and saying your welcome ect.
Anyway this older lady came in and he opened the door for him and she gave him a horrible look and barged past him. He said to her 'its nice to say thank you', which is something i drill into him so i suppose its my fault in a way. anyway she shouted at him 'how dare you speak to a adult that way' and then told me that i should control him and make him say sorry to her.
I have to admit my back was put up by the nasty tone in her voice and told her that i would not tell him to apologise, he was right, its rude not to say thank you and that a woman of her age should not need a lesson in manners from a 4 year old.
anyway she barged back out saying something along the lines of parents who dont control their kids ect.
was i being unreasonable? if he had of said anything rude to her then of course i would have made him say sorry, but i honestly dont think he was the rude one in this??

OP posts:

Lilacroses · 09/09/2013 22:29

It IS nice to say thank you! I cannot stand people who just barge past when you are holding the door for them and if they don't say "thank you" I always say "You are welcome" to indicate that they are being rude. The woman was very rude, your son was being polite and helpful. He wasn't being precocious, he was right. I'm sorry but I don't think children should be taught that you have to be unfailingly polite to adults if they are extremely rude to them.

pigletmania · 09/09/2013 22:29

Yes you are entirely right birds, that is a good explanation bu not an excuse

CailinDana · 09/09/2013 22:30

Imo the only reason someone should ever shoutat someone else is to stop them from doing something dangerous. No matter what was going on with that woman she had no excuse for shouting at a small child. Imo the only one not at fault was the poor little four year old. Op the door button isn't a toy it's not there for your child to play with. By failing to tell him that you set him up to annoy people poor thing. Help him out in future, that's your job.

Lilacroses · 09/09/2013 22:30

x post with jas78...great minds think alike!

ghostspirit · 09/09/2013 22:30

when i was reading i was thinking the woman was rude she is an adult she should know better. but then i read [birdgottafly] comment and that made me think again and see that things are not so clear cut as i thought.

i think allowences need to be given to elderly people and the same with little children.

in general terms i hate it when people say you should not talk to adults like that. that implys they can talk to a child like that.

HeySoulSister · 09/09/2013 22:30

You haven't answered.... Why did you feel it appropriate for him to be messing around with the door?

jessieagain · 09/09/2013 22:31

I just reread the op and I think you were very rude back to her.

Yabu.

He didnt need to apologise but you shouldn't have been so rude to her.

You should have apologised on his behalf and calmed the situation somewhat.

Also I don't think you should have let your son play with the door button, as it isn't a toy and doing so is quite intrusive on people entering the store who didnt want to engage with a child. I'm very surprised the shop assistants didnt ask him to stop.

HeySoulSister · 09/09/2013 22:32

She wasn't an 'old lady' jas ??

jas781972 · 09/09/2013 22:33

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

DoJo · 09/09/2013 22:34

Also, it doesn't sound like he was altruistically opening the door for people to be kind and helpful - he was enjoying pressing the button and opening the door. Even if she did realise that him pressing the button had opened the door, she possible thought that he was just standing there doing it anyway and not realised that he had done it for her. Either way, I would have made him apologise and explained to him that it isn't his place to correct other people and that it's nice to do nice things even if people don't say thankyou.

needaholidaynow · 09/09/2013 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

friendslikethese · 09/09/2013 22:36

I don't think people think it's "ok" for an adult to be rude to a child. I think the OP put herself in the wrong by not explaining to her son that, while shouting was not nice, it was not his place to comment on or correct people's manners, especially not adults.

SunshineMMum · 09/09/2013 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ghostspirit · 09/09/2013 22:36

my understanding was he was only pressing the buttoon when someone was coming in. so it would have been pressed anyway. weather by him or the person coming in.

DoJo · 09/09/2013 22:36

Jas - weirdly I used the exact terminology that you did, but my comment wasn't specifically directed at you!

Salmotrutta · 09/09/2013 22:37

You think someone in their 50s is an "older lady" OP?

How lovely.

Children shouldn't be messing around in doorways, she probably shouldn't have shouted at him but then you should be teaching him not to tell adults about manners.

It's unfortunate perhaps that she didnt thank him but maybe she didnt really notice what he was doing until he told her off.

MNHQ

OliviaMMumsnet · 09/09/2013 22:38

Peace and love

DoJo · 09/09/2013 22:38

Maybe she likes pressing the button as well and was annoyed that the opportunity had been snaffled by a child!

curlew · 09/09/2013 22:38

And for fuck's sake- please let's stop the ageism.

quesadilla · 09/09/2013 22:38

I would probably have made him apologise for the sake of learning a lesson iyswim and then explained later that some older people have never learned manners and look how unpleasant that makes them.

But really, she should have known better. Anyone who can't handle a slightly cheeky remark from a small child without flying off the handle like that is in some sort of arrested development. How pathetic on her part.

Salmotrutta · 09/09/2013 22:39

And some of the "old cow" type comments on here are horrible.

jessieagain · 09/09/2013 22:39

The child was trying to be kind and hopeful, that is true. But his actions could have been received as being precocious or annoying.

His mother should have redirected him, as him opening the door has the potential to be very annoying for members of the public.

Which is why the op is at fault. Not the child and not the older woman.

hotncold · 09/09/2013 22:39

dojo

olivia

Birdsgottafly · 09/09/2013 22:40

He wasn't holding the door open, I am surprised that there isn't a notice asking parents not to leave their children to play with the door.

She wasn't rude, she just didn't aknowledge him, that could be for many reasons, he should be demanding aknowledgment from an elderly woman.

As well as health conditions, many medications that older peole take do cause many symptoms and often depression, this is aside from the specific types of depressions that the brain getting older causes, there is a physiological change in the entire person.

You have argued with someone a lot more vulnerable than yourself, if you would of confronted a fit man in the same way, then fair enough.

curlew · 09/09/2013 22:40

I hate is when children are encouraged to be "cute" in public.

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