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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

was i right to tell my ds not to apologise to this woman??

578 replies

mummyjs · 09/09/2013 21:22

my ds (4) and i were in the chemist waiting for a prescription.
my ds was stood by the door pressing the button to open it for people to come in and out and smiling at them and chatting away, people were saying than you and he was smiling and saying your welcome ect.
Anyway this older lady came in and he opened the door for him and she gave him a horrible look and barged past him. He said to her 'its nice to say thank you', which is something i drill into him so i suppose its my fault in a way. anyway she shouted at him 'how dare you speak to a adult that way' and then told me that i should control him and make him say sorry to her.
I have to admit my back was put up by the nasty tone in her voice and told her that i would not tell him to apologise, he was right, its rude not to say thank you and that a woman of her age should not need a lesson in manners from a 4 year old.
anyway she barged back out saying something along the lines of parents who dont control their kids ect.
was i being unreasonable? if he had of said anything rude to her then of course i would have made him say sorry, but i honestly dont think he was the rude one in this??

OP posts:

Shakey1500 · 09/09/2013 21:45

YANBU. I don't think he was rude.

It is nice to say thank you and just because it's a 4year old pointing it out doesn't make it wrong.

I'd be pleased he felt confident to say it tbh.

wonderingsoul · 09/09/2013 21:45

a thank you is hardly appluding thier perormance is it now.. or do you only use your manners with adults?

BadLad · 09/09/2013 21:46

"Yanbu. Your son was right. It IS nice to say thank you.

Yabu to write "If he had of "

had have "

Had have would be no more correct than had of here.

Anyway, yes she was rude but as already said, discouraging your son from smart remarks will probably be good for him in the long run.

That said, I would have sniggered if I had heard him.

Original poster

mummyjs · 09/09/2013 21:46

i can see both sides on this, he honestly didnt say it in a horrible way to her, in fact he was still smiling at her as he said it, almost like he thought he was sharing some important secret news.
Think we are going to have a talk about even though we say its important to always tell the truth and say please and thank you that sometimes its best to say nothing.

in his defense he has not mastered the art of what should be said out loud and what he thinks is nice and right doesnt mean he should say it... he recently told his granny with complete love and adoration that one of the reasons he loved her so much was that her beard was nice and soft???!!! luckily my mum saw the funny side but i was mortified

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 09/09/2013 21:48

littlemisswise · 09/09/2013 21:49

I think floggingmolly is my clone.

The woman might just have had really upsetting news at the doctors. She didn't need some precocious 4 year old pulling her up for not saying thank you for opening the door for her.

On the otherhand it might have been her first visit to the chemist and she might not have known the 4 yo had pressed the button to open the door, she might have thought it was an automatic door.

Ultimately all 3 of them were rude.

ilovesooty · 09/09/2013 21:49

You were all pretty rude but I'm with those who don't see why adults should have to pander to 'cute' behaviour they haven't solicited in the first place.

LRDMaguliYaPomochTebeSRaboti · 09/09/2013 21:50

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WorraLiberty · 09/09/2013 21:52

Your son was rude and so was she

But I'm trying to read between the lines here

Did she really actually shout at him in the Chemist?

And when she barged in and then barged out, did she actually make physical contact with him?

Because to me, that's what barging means.

Bambamb · 09/09/2013 21:52

YANBU. He's 4, kids are very literal. He was telling her something he knows to be true and probably felt proud of himself for knowing it. His intentions were good, in his view he was being good not naughty so to tell him off would completely confuse him. Plenty of time for him to learn social etiquettes in more depth when he gets older, I think he's too young to understand why this could come across as rude.

cupoftchai · 09/09/2013 21:52

Ha ha! Brilliant. Soft beard :D

friendslikethese · 09/09/2013 21:54

I don't feel that children should have to be polite to adults "because they are adults" - it's just part of learning the hierarchy of society. I'm polite to my boss, even though he's a bit of an idiot, because he has power over me, but I am polite to my friends because I like them.

It's fine to think "oh well she was rude so he can be rude" but the truth is that life is not like that.

I have noticed children seem to think it is okay to pass comments on others' physical appearance - weight and size and colour and age - and I know some people think it is cute and funny, I don't, I am below average height and it embarrasses me when children comment on it, although I laugh it off. I do expect parents to tell them that it is not polite to do so but they rarely do.

morethanpotatoprints · 09/09/2013 21:54

I agree with others, both were out of order.
Your son is little though and can learn, she is a bitter old cow.
You need to teach your child that telling a grown up where they are going wrong is cheeky.

bearleftmonkeyright · 09/09/2013 21:54

The woman might just have had really upsetting news at the doctors. She didn't need some precocious 4 year old pulling her up for not saying thank you for opening the door for her.
^^
This
I don't think your son was rude, he's 4 and sounds lovely, but this could well be the reason for the lady's reaction.

Daiso · 09/09/2013 21:55

Your son is 4 - he copied what you said, he probably has no idea that it may seem rude. It certainly didn't warrant a bit of a mouthful from the older lady - I probably would have chuckled to myself had it been me. Think she overreacted.

hotncold · 09/09/2013 21:56

Gosh.

In the scenario you describe I'd consider it highly likely that the lady walked through the door and assumed it to be automatic and not that it was being operated by the 4 year old on the other side of it.

How often do you walk through a door that opens automatically and then check to see if a small child has pressed a button to open it for you? I certainly never do.

I'm not saying that that excuses her rudeness later on - but if I walked into the chemist to be greeted by someone's 4 year old saying that to me I think I'd be a little bit

If I'd known he was randomly operating the door I would obviously have smiled and said thank you. But how on earth was she to know?

As an aside, I don't think you should have been letting him operate the doors, actually.

Floggingmolly · 09/09/2013 21:58

There are two of us grumpy old ratbags, littlemiss?
I usually have that title all to myself

timidviper · 09/09/2013 21:58

As someone who works with the public I can assure you many people are rude.

As someone who spent years working in chemist shops serving the public I can assure you that even more of them are rude, possibly because of the ill, worried, etc thing.

As a parent I can promise you children are always seen as less adorable by others than they are by their parents and statements seen as clever or funny by parents can be seen as precocious and rude by others.

Add all of those things up objectively and you will see that, while your DS was technically correct, it was rude to say this to an adult he did not know. Even though she probably reacted out of embarassment, the woman was rude to speak the way she did and, even though your DS was technically correct, it was bad-mannered of you not to apologise so you were all rude.

KaFayOLay · 09/09/2013 21:58

Nobody likes a precocious little git, especially the old generation!

wonderingsoul · 09/09/2013 21:59

friendslike-- thats different.. if ethier of my children said that,, even at 2-3 they would be pulled up on it and told it wasnt nice. becasue that is easy to digest.

and yes the child needs to be told some times its best not to say things, but her reaction out blew what he said. not to mention learning what to say and when not to is very hard for a 4 year old and an older woman should have realized that and let it go over her head and not reacted in the way that she did, it was out of porportion.

echt · 09/09/2013 21:59

"bitter old cow". More bile based on a woman's age.

Capitola · 09/09/2013 22:02

I would have found this child precocious and irritating.

friendslikethese · 09/09/2013 22:04

out of proportion maybe but nonetheless, it was rude. Maybe he didn't realise it was rude, in which case his mum should have told him.

instead, she turned around and gave the woman a mouthful.

And, if it is rude to comment on somebody's height it is certainly rude to comment on somebody's facial hair.

Secretswitch · 09/09/2013 22:07

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DumSpiroSpero · 09/09/2013 22:07

My ds was stood by the door pressing the button to open it for people to come in and out...

TBH my hackles went up a bit at that point. It's not sensible to letting your DS do that in the first place - as someone upthread said it would be easy for him to catch his fingers, potentially irritating for people who are neither well nor in the mood for making small talk with unknown kids, and those automatic doors are bloody easy to break if they're fiddled with too much.

However, wrt the conversation I do think he was probably just repeating something you'd told him rather than being wilfully cheeky, and it wouldn't have killed the woman to say thanks (assuming she was aware he opened the door).

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