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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

was i right to tell my ds not to apologise to this woman??

578 replies

mummyjs · 09/09/2013 21:22

my ds (4) and i were in the chemist waiting for a prescription.
my ds was stood by the door pressing the button to open it for people to come in and out and smiling at them and chatting away, people were saying than you and he was smiling and saying your welcome ect.
Anyway this older lady came in and he opened the door for him and she gave him a horrible look and barged past him. He said to her 'its nice to say thank you', which is something i drill into him so i suppose its my fault in a way. anyway she shouted at him 'how dare you speak to a adult that way' and then told me that i should control him and make him say sorry to her.
I have to admit my back was put up by the nasty tone in her voice and told her that i would not tell him to apologise, he was right, its rude not to say thank you and that a woman of her age should not need a lesson in manners from a 4 year old.
anyway she barged back out saying something along the lines of parents who dont control their kids ect.
was i being unreasonable? if he had of said anything rude to her then of course i would have made him say sorry, but i honestly dont think he was the rude one in this??

OP posts:

Sirzy · 14/09/2013 09:25

I was brought up in the 80's and my mother drilled it into me to respect everyone (unless they did something to mean they didn't deserve that respect). Works well here and means I don't judge people based on their age, I go off their actions instead.

ilovebabytv · 14/09/2013 09:30

Thats pretty much what i teach my dc sirzy. Age is irrelevant and it is how people treat you. I really dont understand the logic that you have to respect people because of age.

cannotfuckingbelievethis · 14/09/2013 09:42

I've never understood it either ilovebabytv. This thinking also reminds me of always being expected to give grown ups a hug or a kiss when we were at a party or a family gathering even if that person was stinking of drink/fags or was a total pain in the arse and I didn't like them.

garlicbaguette · 14/09/2013 10:07

Age is irrelevant and it is how people treat you.

On that basis, OP's child is still in the wrong. If an adult pressed the door button as I approached, then told me "It's nice to say thank you," I can't say I'd feel like apologising to him!

Nanny0gg · 14/09/2013 11:01

On that basis, OP's child is still in the wrong. If an adult pressed the door button as I approached, then told me "It's nice to say thank you," I can't say I'd feel like apologising to him!

Have you never said a sarky 'You're welcome!' when your door-holding kindness is ignored?

exoticfruits · 14/09/2013 11:42

Have you never said a sarky 'You're welcome!' when your door-holding kindness is ignored?

No -I find sarcasm irritating.
It is also ineffective-you can just take it at face value and they really can't tell if you are just thick and think they meant it!

oldgrandmama · 14/09/2013 12:00

Good for your little son! I always hold open doors for people, and invariably there are some who sweep through and totally ignore me. So I say, loudly, at their departing backs: 'Thank you. Oh, don't mention it, my pleasure' Sometimes they look back, shamefacedly, and mutter their thanks. You were quite right not to apologise. What a rude bitch the woman was.

garlicbaguette · 14/09/2013 12:44

I'm with exotic. That kind of sarcasm's ugly, and often misses its mark. I'm a grown-up, I can handle being taken for granted by a passing stranger.

Anyway, the little boy wasn't holding the door open. He was showing off.

exoticfruits · 14/09/2013 13:41

I take a delight in countering sarcasm.
e.g. at the checkout one day there was a woman who was standing in my way and I couldn't get past. I just politely said 'excuse me please'-she moved, but appeared very upset that I should have needed to get past-she got right in my face and said 'oh, I am terribly sorry, most terribly, terribly sorry that I got in your way'. I just smiled and said 'that is quite all right'- in a friendly way. I must have done it well because the check out assistant then said to me 'I think she was being sarcastic'-to which I said 'I am perfectly sure she was being sarcastic!'
I love it-what could the woman do? Hardly go into a long winded explanation of what she really meant! She had to let it go that I really thought she was giving an abject apology.

HangingGardenofBabbysBum · 14/09/2013 14:00

Anyway, the little boy wasn't holding the door open. He was showing off.

Exactly. So he was impertinent, whatever his age, to approach a total stranger, age also irrelevant and cockily demand his button-pressing skills be fawned over.

His mother, age irrelevant, ego fragile, should have kept him in check.

It wasn't cute, and the door-enterer deserved an apology.

ilovebabytv · 14/09/2013 14:19

Anyway, the little boy wasn't holding the door open. He was showing off.

How did you manage to come to that conclusion, did i miss something up thread? I read the OP saying that the owner gave the ds permission to press the button to allow the door to open for people, which he was happily doing. How has this magically leapt to 'showing off'?

Elphinate · 14/09/2013 14:56

For goodness sake.

He was not being a 'little helper', he was being a precocious pain the in the arse.

I am quite healthy and still don't want to spend my days fawning over other people's 'oh-so-polite' little darlings. I particularly wouldn't want this to be happening in a packed chemist.

If he can't keep quiet for two minutes whilst you talk to the pharmacist, then you need to work on his behaviour when he's out with you.

intitgrand · 14/09/2013 15:04

Firstly your DS wasn't pushing the button to be polite or helpful, he was doing it because it was fun for him.
Secondly I would be mortified if my child spoke to an adult like that.He was incredibly rude!

garlicbaguette · 14/09/2013 15:05

ilove - Four-year-old pressing door button: normal. As long as he doesn't open the door into someone's face, harmless.
Four-year-old being thanked by soppy shoppers: cute, and harmless.
Four-year-old demanding thanks for playing with the damn button: self-important little bugger.
I hope that's clear now.

Elphinate · 14/09/2013 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

intitgrand · 14/09/2013 15:09

self-important little bugger.
^this^
you have found the words I was looking for!

Lilacroses · 14/09/2013 15:09

Lovely Elphinate. What a truly horrible end to your post.

Elphinate · 14/09/2013 15:11

Oh, Lilacroses, get over yourself.

Doesn't your slap-hand ever tingle when you see cutesy children and you know they're going to turn into priggish, self-aggrandising adults?

HangingGardenofBabbysBum · 14/09/2013 15:13

Really? You couldn't work it out?

my ds was stood by the door pressing the button to open it for people to come in and out and smiling at them and chatting away, people were saying than you and he was smiling and saying your welcome ect.

That's a show off in my book.

You put your kid front and centre to brighten the day if the rest of planet Earth, you get ready to deal with the fact that not everyone will be enchanted.

The lady who quite rightly ignored him certainly didn't feel she had been showered in pixie dust, did she?

This is where 'seen and not heard' is ripe for revival.

Elphinate · 14/09/2013 15:15

If he was truly opening the door to 'be polite' then he would have done it whether or not he was thanked.

We do polite things to help people, not because we want to be showered with praise.

She chose not to thank him. She didn't shout until he opened his impertinent little gob.

VerySmallSqueak · 14/09/2013 15:19

I wouldn't have told her to Fuck off in front of my child.
That would be rude.
So,I'd have whispered it in her ear.

Elphinate · 14/09/2013 15:23

Oh, OP, it's etc not ect.

garlicbaguette · 14/09/2013 15:29

Doesn't your slap-hand ever tingle? - No. I have an excellent Death Stare

honeybunny14 · 14/09/2013 15:31

First of all im shocked at some of the reactions on this thread about a 4 yr old CHILD ur son is still learning children r all innocent and im sure id have reacted in the same way as you did

VerySmallSqueak · 14/09/2013 15:33

He sounds like he needs a good slapping does he, Elphinate?
OMG.

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