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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

was i right to tell my ds not to apologise to this woman??

578 replies

mummyjs · 09/09/2013 21:22

my ds (4) and i were in the chemist waiting for a prescription.
my ds was stood by the door pressing the button to open it for people to come in and out and smiling at them and chatting away, people were saying than you and he was smiling and saying your welcome ect.
Anyway this older lady came in and he opened the door for him and she gave him a horrible look and barged past him. He said to her 'its nice to say thank you', which is something i drill into him so i suppose its my fault in a way. anyway she shouted at him 'how dare you speak to a adult that way' and then told me that i should control him and make him say sorry to her.
I have to admit my back was put up by the nasty tone in her voice and told her that i would not tell him to apologise, he was right, its rude not to say thank you and that a woman of her age should not need a lesson in manners from a 4 year old.
anyway she barged back out saying something along the lines of parents who dont control their kids ect.
was i being unreasonable? if he had of said anything rude to her then of course i would have made him say sorry, but i honestly dont think he was the rude one in this??

OP posts:
Scholes34 · 11/09/2013 13:41

The best way to deal with someone you perceive as an unnecessary grouch is to respond with gushing, over the top, apologies, rather than snapping back yourself. When I was younger, I probably would have snapped, but now I'm older experience tells me that the laid back approach takes the wind out of everyone's sails. She would have had her apology, but you would have managed to veil its sarcasm. Win-win.

IsThisAboutMe · 11/09/2013 13:43

If this happened in the last week, then I suspect I am the old woman in question (I'm 42).

I went into my local Boots the chemist the other day and was involved in an 'incident' involving a child and the door. (Not sure how the owner gave permission for the door to be played with. I assume the OP attended the AGM and the shareholders voted on it)

I'd left my Dad at home with a neighbour to fetch my dad's prescription. We'd had the emergency doctor out during the night and I'd not had much sleep and I was tired and extremely worried. He has Parkinson's, dementia and is insulin dependent diabetic.

As I started to open the door someone pressed the disabled access button which made me jump as it pulled the door out of my hand. I glanced over and saw a child messing about with the button. As I walked past he said something which I didn't quite catch. I might have looked at him confused, I might have said 'Pardon?' or something, I can't quite remember as my mind was elsewhere. A second later his mother starts having a go at me for giving her son dirty looks, for not saying thank you for something I wasn't aware that he'd done, and berating me for being a rude, bad mannered old cow. I couldn't deal with it so turned round and left and sat in my car and cried.

I didn't bawl or shout at anyone, I barely said a word, and I didn't barge past anyone either. The child was by the button which is a metre away from the door and to the side, I'd just come in the door and was in the middle of the aisle.

So if this thread is about me, it's a tad disingenuous.

Therealamandaclarke · 11/09/2013 13:44

"he was probably withering on incessantly"

Ok. Whatever. Just make it up as you go along and you can agree with anything.

Therealamandaclarke · 11/09/2013 13:49

Well I'd have to assume the op wasn't about you isthisaboutme
Because your experience doesn't tally with the op.
Also. I too am 42 and feel Shock that I would be described as an older woman. although, ppl probably do that all the timeSad

If you wish to do an aibu. I would say YANBU.
Because I tend to take the stance of believing the op.

Floggingmolly · 11/09/2013 14:02

It could well be about you, isthisaboutme. The original post sounds like a extremely minor incident which most of us wouldn't have given headspace to, much less waded into and given the person in question a mouthful for.
It has been beaten up into a Greek tragedy by his adoring mama, affronted that some stranger going about their business "dissed" her little cherub.

garlicbaguette · 11/09/2013 14:02

I was just thinking that I often can't understand four-year-olds. If I were entering a shop, in a preoccupied frame of mind, and a child burbled something at me, I wouldn't stop to make the effort.

Mind you, the woman in the OP seems to have understood she was getting "a lesson in manners from a four-year-old", so it can't have been me or isthis :)

YY to all the anti-ageism comments. Anyone who feels entitled to put me down on grounds of age, had better be prepared for a riposte based on their physical characteristics. See how they like it.

Therealamandaclarke · 11/09/2013 14:09

And sorry to hear about your dad.

Floggingmolly · 11/09/2013 14:12

God yes, sorry, isthis. Hope you're ok?

woozlebear · 11/09/2013 14:39

Oh fgs. 20 pages?

He was cheeky, but young enough to be excused. She was rude, but possibly ill/v stressed.

Yes, of course he's right, but you're not going to do him any favours by letting him think that he's generally acceptable behaviour to go round loudly correcting people over minor lapses of politeness. It was a good opportunity to explain the difference between calling people on really awful behaviour but not correcting people over minor things. He's going to encounter plenty of other people in his life who don't thank him for small things and he'll get in a lot of arguments if he thinks it's a good idea to be sarky to all of them.

The emotive issues of whether or not it was rude/cheeky etc and respecting your elders etc are so subjective and no one is every going to agree. But going around calling everyone on minor etiquette issues is not a habit you should want your kid to get into. That behaviour will generally get one of two reactions: ignoring, or a stroppy retaliation. It's not generally going to end happily for either participant.

Could also be a good opportunity to talk about the idea of people being in a bad mood and having difficulties and understanding them.

All the people saying the OP is totally correct - do you go around complaining to everyone who doesn't thank you for opening doors? Bet not, because you know it's not really 'normal' behaviour. I bet you just restrict it to a mutter under your breath or a tut.

Therealamandaclarke · 11/09/2013 14:57

woozlebear I don't think I've seen anyone commenting that the op was totally correct. I could be wrong of course.
I think the reason it's been discussed for longer than you might expect is because ppl have been offended by some of the ageist comments and also incredulous at some of the unkind and harsh things said about the little boy.
The child and the woman who told him off are long gone, and looking forward to tonight's supper.

littlemisswise · 11/09/2013 14:58

I hope your Dad is ok, isthisaboutme. I think your post illustrates there are 2 sides to every story.

I stand by what I said, the child should not have been arsing about with the door. It is not natural childhood behaviour, it is a PITA to a lot of people and lazy parenting IMO. What is so wrong with keeping your children with you when you are shopping? And, he was rude!

SpecialAgentCuntSnake · 11/09/2013 16:30

Isthis

Just Shock Certainly paints a different and much more realistic version of events. I'm so sorry that mother was so nasty to you, whether it be OP or anyone else. How horrid.

Hope your dad is okay. Flowers

Bowlersarm · 11/09/2013 16:36

I hope it's not you IsThisAboutMe - if you're an older lady at 42, I am positively geriatric at 48.

This does indeed illustrate the other point of view beautifully whether it was IsThisAboutMe or not.

littlemisswise · 11/09/2013 16:50

I'm 42, so that puts me in the "older lady" camp too, if it is about Isthisaboutme!Shock

jacks365 · 11/09/2013 17:03

I was 42 when my youngest was born so if it is isthis then that blows the nasty comments about dried up old sticks past having children out of the water.

I'm so sorry you went through that isthis and I hope your dad improves as much as possible.

Therealamandaclarke · 11/09/2013 17:32

Well it's at least comforting to know I am not alone in being an "older" mum. Having had my youngest 6 months ago.
So, I've got that out of it.

LookingForwardToSalmon · 11/09/2013 17:35

There are actually people that think kids are on equal footing to adults?

Gosh your children must be darlings?!

And op you told your son not to play with the door, then let a stranger over-ride your parenting? Take some responsibility for your own kid. The woman who gave him permission couldn't possibly speak for everyone coming in and out of the shop.

And if you were talking about IsThisAboutMe then you should be fucking ashamed of yourself.

ilovesooty · 11/09/2013 18:03

The OP was in the wrong for failing to parent effectively
Not everyone will want to engage with her son and his games. No need to be scathing or unpleasant about the little boy though as he isn't responsible for the mother's poor parenting. He thought he was reinforcing the lessons he'd learned about politeness but he shouldn't have been allowed to mess with the door.
The stuff about little helpers and sharing an important secret makes me want to puke though
The comments about the 'older' lady on this thread are appalling.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 11/09/2013 18:13

The ageism works both ways. I am sick of seeing children called little gits etc not wanted anywhere, generally seen as the scourge of society, but dare say anything about anyone over 50 and the whole of MN comes down on you. My 5yo holds doors open for people all the time. I'll tell her not to bother in future for fear that someone who happens to be older and have fewer manners assumes she's merely arsing about with the doors Hmm FFS. Being elderly doesn't always make you right.

Therealamandaclarke · 11/09/2013 18:14

Fair point gwendoline

missmapp · 11/09/2013 18:17

Not everyone loves children and , although I am sure your ds was trying to be helpful, not everyone wants to be confronted with a questioning 4 yr old when they enter a shop.

I would have told mine off, apologised to the lady and told him to move away from the door.

( Holding it open as he walks through is fantastic, but not being an operator just to keep him quiet in a shop)

LookingForwardToSalmon · 11/09/2013 18:20

Am I the only one who clearly sees the difference between holding a door open and pissing about with an electric door button a metre away from the door?

LookingForwardToSalmon · 11/09/2013 18:20

Am I the only one who clearly sees the difference between holding a door open and pissing about with an electric door button a metre away from the door?

Therealamandaclarke · 11/09/2013 18:20

Actually the ageist comments were more towards the beginning of the thread. Or so I thought.
And tbf, the op didn't refer to the woman as "old", just " older" which if everyone else involved was "younger" would have been a (possibly unnecessary) fair description.

Feckbloodypets · 11/09/2013 18:21

To all the people saying that he was 4, do you expect children that are in school at this age to speak to teachers and other authority figures like that.
My son would have happily held a door opened if we were going into or leaving a shop at that age and done it not for the thanks but because it is the correct thing to do, but he was old enough to understand buttons on doors are not there to be played with.