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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So upset. DP and best friend have been having a little "chat" about me.

999 replies

Babybunny88 · 08/09/2013 16:06

Before my friend "A" and I met she had been friends with my DP for years. DP and I were both mutual friends with A. That is how we met, she thought we would be a good match and introduced us 7 years ago. Fantastic.

Obviously because they have been friends for so long they occasionally text which doesn't bother me in the slightest, I know they don't have any romantically inclined feelings for each other. He has often said she is like a sister to him.

Anyway, I was playing a game on DPs iPhone while he pops round to his dbs house and a message from A popped up. I accidentally pressed it (really was an accident, as I was playing the game and hit the notice), and saw my name mentioned in the text so couldn't help reading it.

It said " Lol! do you want me talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it."

Anybody seeing that message would feel inclined to read previous messages, wouldn't they? So I scrolled up and saw that supposed best friend and "d"p were talking about how much weight ive apparently gained. This is word for word how the text convo went:

A: hey, thanks for coming over last night. DH and I enjoyed seeing you both and your DD has got so big!! (We went to theirs for dinner last night)

DP: babybunny and I had a nice night as well. You cook a mean curry!

A: haha I know everybody loves my curries! Maybe though a salad would have been more healthier lol!!

DP: Ahh but who wants a salad on a Saturday night? Curry goes better with Beer! Babybunny doesn't like salads anyway.

A: yes I know... Maybe we should try to get her to like them though..before she puts on any more weight...lol...

DP: yeah maybe. ( I suspect DP didn't know what to say at this point)

A: you know I love her like crazy, but she seems to have put on a bit of weight.. Not good for her health!!

DP: Yea its been since DD was born. Do you have any suggestions? I've noticed this too but for obvious reasons can't say anything.

A: tell her to put down the pies lol!! Just joking! Talk to her about it if it were me I would like DH to tell me!

DP: are you joking? She will go apeshit. Definitely not guareenteed to put down the pies then!

A: Lol! do you want me to talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it.

I am sitting here half devastated half furious! I can't believe the two of them have discussed this! Ok fair enough it wasn't for my eyes and they are probably worrying about my health but I am so upset and don't know what to say to DP when he gets back. Do i say anything to A? i already have self esteem issues and this has made me feel total and utter shit.i didn't think I was that fat. And they are both wrong, I do infact like salads!

Help? :(

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 09/09/2013 17:08

And let's not forget the OP is a post partum size 14. Hardly in need of an intervention by anyone.

LondonNinja · 09/09/2013 17:12

And, let's give the OP credit: if the texts were well-meant, kind and borne of caring, she wouldn't be feeling so bloody awful...

Painting her as someone not getting an in-joke (where the joke is on her), is quite pathetic.

waltermittymissus · 09/09/2013 17:14

FFS it has nothing to do with weight and everything to do with a snide, underhanded, manipulative bitch and the partner whose JOB it is to be respectful and supportive, bitching about her behind her back.

phantomnamechanger · 09/09/2013 17:23

hijack - sorry, can someone please explain the terms wendy and gaslighting which have come up several times in this thread now. TIA

BigBoobiedBertha · 09/09/2013 17:27

I was thinking exactly the same thing expat. After reading several other threads recently about Wendys (or the more MN PC version on 'bitch wedge' in deference to the nice Wendys of the the worldSmile) that was exactly the thought that occurred to me.

Most Wendys/Bitch wedges come unstuck in the end. Hopefully this one will. It will eventually dawn on the OP's DP that he has been played like a fiddle by a manipulator. I hope it is sooner rather than later.

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/09/2013 17:28

A Wendy is a beatch that infiltrates your group of friends, often at your instigation and subtly undermines and bitches about you ensuring that your friends sideline you in favour of her.
As for Gaslighting, google is your friend.

LondonNinja · 09/09/2013 17:30

Wendy is a frenemy, I think (?)

Gaslighting is misleading someone so they begin to doubt themselves. It's from a film, I think, where the bloke was turning up/on the gas in the kitchen, driving the woman to believe she was losing the plot. It's very cruel and a tool of abusers.

GildedWingsOfGrace · 09/09/2013 17:38

She's not in our life now. I don't miss her. She's single still, no kids, no pets even, she's still so selfish.

Confused

And? This proves what point?

That single and childless obviously means you are a terrible person?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 09/09/2013 17:48

she says LOL a lot doesn't she? Suggests a distinct lack of a sense of humour to me

DontmindifIdo · 09/09/2013 18:03

I would refuse to talk to A again, what ever she says, she doesn't like you really. There's no need for you to be her friend, possibly polite in group situations if you have a lot of shared friends. Your DH will want you to sort this as right now he's quite aware he's close to having to choose - if you forgive A he can go back to things as they were. Just cut her out of your life and refuse to have her in the house.

LondonNinja · 09/09/2013 18:12

OP, how are you today?

impatienttobemummy · 09/09/2013 18:27

OP hope you are okay?

IRCL · 09/09/2013 18:35

Lemon how has op done any blaming? Can't see it!

Genuine concern? pah. Yea right!

Hope you're OK bunny.

Original poster
Babybunny88 · 09/09/2013 19:08

Evening everyone. Just catching up with all your posts and I'm bowled over by the level of support form you all Thanks apart from the few twats with the very "helpful" posts. You know who you are and you can kiss my supposedly fat ass. How's that for sensitive? :)

Anyway, DP did eventually apologise this morning, at last and told me he doesn't think im fat at all, was feeling put on the spot with the Whole thing and has came to his senses.Apparently A kept texting him after we went to bed begging to come round. DP told her to just leave it and he would talk to me in the morning. But she apparently was very persistent on it.dp told her enough was enough and to seriously just leave us alone for the night and would be best to stop contact with both of us for a while. She gave up but I was met with a torrent of texts from her when I woke up Hmm I of course ignored them.

Told DP he can do what he wants about A, he is a grown man after all, but I never want to hear about her again in any way shape or form, never want to see her round our house, and definitely do not want him to discuss me, DD or any part of our relationship with her. If i found out he has been talking about me or DD to cuntface he will be a sorry man indeed. He has told me that he never will again and accepts that I am right to feel this way and its understandable that I want to stop talking to her.

I don't know if he's going to continue the friendship but I've made it clear I'm sure as hell not.

OP posts:
northernlurker · 09/09/2013 19:12

Your partner has been friends with this woman for years and now you're forbidding her the house and telling him he can't discuss his child with her? Lord Op, I know you'e upset but I think you are overdoing this.

Feelingfatty · 09/09/2013 19:12

Ah that's sounds very positive :)

Therealamandaclarke · 09/09/2013 19:14

I'm so pleased he apologised babybunny

BlingBang · 09/09/2013 19:15

That's great OP. things get het up and things are said. Most folk just need some time and calm thinking to get their head round things and consider everything.

YouTheCat · 09/09/2013 19:15

That sounds fair enough.

If he wants to continue the friendship then he can go and visit her.

girliefriend · 09/09/2013 19:16

well done op Smile

Did you go to work today?

Tabliope · 09/09/2013 19:16

I wouldn't want her round the house either. I think Babybunny has handled it well. I hope her DP has had his eyes opened to what A is like. He's made his choice. If he's any sense he'll downgrade A - keep friends with her but not trade confidences at all. I'm sure he'll tell her the baby is fine but what Babybunny doesn't want is the two of them confiding in each other. A will be doing her utmost to work her way back in but if DP isn't feeding her stuff she won't have any leverage to do any more damage. That is what I would want. It wouldn't bother me them being friends as long as he didn't discuss me. I think for Babybunny's relationship she has to cut this woman out.

eatriskier · 09/09/2013 19:18

I'm so glad he came to his senses and you sound so much happier. also quite glad it sounds like she pissed him off big style which only helps. continue to ignore her for as long as you feel like. I don't blame you for saying he can't discuss you with her, look where discussing you has got him.

SauvignonBlanche · 09/09/2013 19:19

I'm pleased that your DP has realised that the conversation was wrong and has apologised.
Hope you can both move on from this, A has just made herself look foolish.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 09/09/2013 19:19

I'm glad he's apologised to you properly now and realised that they were both out of order. helluva turn around though, she must have really been very persistant and annoying last night! think maybe being faced with that made him see sense? Hopefully she'll stay out of your way now.

phantomnamechanger · 09/09/2013 19:19

I'm glad your DP has apologised. Hopefully this is a wake up call to him about boundaries and what is/is not acceptable in terms of friends (male or female) taking any sort of priority over partners.

It speaks volumes that she would not let it go even when told last nigt. Knowing you are a couple that have had a spat, what right has she got to think she has any place in sticking her oar in while you're sorting it out, even if it was genuine guilt/regret/concern that was motivating her.

Good luck - I hope the 2 of you can work it out.