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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So upset. DP and best friend have been having a little "chat" about me.

999 replies

Babybunny88 · 08/09/2013 16:06

Before my friend "A" and I met she had been friends with my DP for years. DP and I were both mutual friends with A. That is how we met, she thought we would be a good match and introduced us 7 years ago. Fantastic.

Obviously because they have been friends for so long they occasionally text which doesn't bother me in the slightest, I know they don't have any romantically inclined feelings for each other. He has often said she is like a sister to him.

Anyway, I was playing a game on DPs iPhone while he pops round to his dbs house and a message from A popped up. I accidentally pressed it (really was an accident, as I was playing the game and hit the notice), and saw my name mentioned in the text so couldn't help reading it.

It said " Lol! do you want me talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it."

Anybody seeing that message would feel inclined to read previous messages, wouldn't they? So I scrolled up and saw that supposed best friend and "d"p were talking about how much weight ive apparently gained. This is word for word how the text convo went:

A: hey, thanks for coming over last night. DH and I enjoyed seeing you both and your DD has got so big!! (We went to theirs for dinner last night)

DP: babybunny and I had a nice night as well. You cook a mean curry!

A: haha I know everybody loves my curries! Maybe though a salad would have been more healthier lol!!

DP: Ahh but who wants a salad on a Saturday night? Curry goes better with Beer! Babybunny doesn't like salads anyway.

A: yes I know... Maybe we should try to get her to like them though..before she puts on any more weight...lol...

DP: yeah maybe. ( I suspect DP didn't know what to say at this point)

A: you know I love her like crazy, but she seems to have put on a bit of weight.. Not good for her health!!

DP: Yea its been since DD was born. Do you have any suggestions? I've noticed this too but for obvious reasons can't say anything.

A: tell her to put down the pies lol!! Just joking! Talk to her about it if it were me I would like DH to tell me!

DP: are you joking? She will go apeshit. Definitely not guareenteed to put down the pies then!

A: Lol! do you want me to talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it.

I am sitting here half devastated half furious! I can't believe the two of them have discussed this! Ok fair enough it wasn't for my eyes and they are probably worrying about my health but I am so upset and don't know what to say to DP when he gets back. Do i say anything to A? i already have self esteem issues and this has made me feel total and utter shit.i didn't think I was that fat. And they are both wrong, I do infact like salads!

Help? :(

OP posts:
ToffeeCaramel · 09/09/2013 13:45

I think the OP did entirely the right thing in refusing to have A over last night, especially based on their refusal to see that they had done anything wrong and trying to make out it was just OP being oversensitive. It would have been a whole lot more upsetting if they had done this to her face to face. I think OP needs to sort this out with her husband and not let A dictate how things are resolved.

musicismylife · 09/09/2013 13:50

Hi Op, I haven't read all of the thread.

A's motive isn't wanting dp, it's wanting your dp to not want you :(

I fear this is the tip of the iceberg. And who cares if they were friends before, she is over-familiar with him.

You tackle her first, face-to-face. If you tackle him, he's text her and say 'see, I told you she's go ape-shit'.

I'm not sure what else to day, just sat here going Hmm

Screwfox · 09/09/2013 13:55

i agree that mate has been unkind but you lot have gone WAY over the top in your reactions

ToffeeCaramel · 09/09/2013 13:59

What is your concern about how people have reacted Screwfox and what do you suggest is the correct reaction?

strokey · 09/09/2013 14:00

Ive read the thread now and OMG the reaction from a lot of posters is completely out of proportion!

LEAVE??? Are you mad? This is not a reason to leave a marriage and have the child grow up with an absent father!

Like someone else said - you have no idea who is posting this stuff - are they all happily married to perfect men who never put a foot wrong?

OR - are they un-happily divorced and eager for other women to join them?

Screwfox · 09/09/2013 14:01

I think she should not text. She should have let mate speak. Should have told both of them she was upset and told mate to give her some space for a bit.

BlingBang · 09/09/2013 14:13

Yes, LTB - Mn at it's finest. Isn't the dad the SAHP, so he would might get custody and OP can get every second weekend. And everyone can have a good old umm and ahh and advise the OP on her next course of action. Maybe you'll get another couple of juicy threads out of it to while away the time over afternoon coffee when telly a bit crap.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 09/09/2013 14:46

How are you doing today OP?

SomethingOnce · 09/09/2013 14:46

This thread has many of the qualities of a year group row amongst a bunch of 14-year-olds. Everyone should feel very proud.

No sign of OP...

Loa · 09/09/2013 14:56

I haven't said leave - I've said talk as have many others.

I'm happily married - though IL and my parents were difficult after we had first DC - along similar lines to A - encouraging us to find fault with each other which did raise resentment levels and escalating any disagreements by sticking their oars in.

Communication between us - and the occasionally dramatic stand from me to indicate the subject was a big deal and I wasn't going to let him dismiss it ? and getting others to butt out were key to getting past that period.

Here A needs to butt out ? stop stirring with DP ? and DP need to understand why his behaviour is upsetting to OP so hopefully he won?t repeat it.

A can apologise - she really hasn't done that properly - but OP is under no obligation to accept it and A should be hounding her to do so.

QuintessentialOldDear · 09/09/2013 15:00

I would assume the OP is at work.

Every marriage has its ups and downs, this is definitely not LTB territory, he has behaved disgracefully, but can still redeem himself! (fingers crossed)

wannaBe · 09/09/2013 15:14

actually I don't agree with the statement that op is under no obligation to accept an apology. She may choose not to but that doesn't paint someone in a very good light either IMO, we're talking about some bitching here, not a murder or an affair.

And yes, the op had a right to be upset and the dh should see that. but not wanting to go to work etc was a completely disproportionate reaction which tbh I can see how the friend considers op to be very sensitive.

YouTheCat · 09/09/2013 15:50

But she hasn't had an apology - she's just been told she's over sensitive and needs to get a sense of humour.

There's a few LTBs on here but mainly people think they should talk - without A interfering.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 09/09/2013 15:52

I don't think I'd blame the OP if she didn't come back...

squoosh · 09/09/2013 15:53

The amount of LTB calls on here have been minimal. Honestly.

Bogeyface · 09/09/2013 15:59

I dont if the "LTB" comments are referring to what I wrote. But what I said was that if after talking to him he still refuses to see her POV and if after being asked to choose who is more important to him, he chooses A or refuses to cut her out, then the OP should reconsider her relationship. Actually the words I used were "kick him to the kerb". Thats because I couldnt continue in a marriage where a friend was more important that the wife.

But as I say, that is after trying to sort it out with him.

Bogeyface · 09/09/2013 16:00

Sorry for typos, typing one hamded thanks to frozen shoulder....ouch

JoinYourPlayfellows · 09/09/2013 16:02

"actually I don't agree with the statement that op is under no obligation to accept an apology."

Nobody is ever under any obligation to accept an apology.

In this case there can be no genuine apology.

This wasn't a slip up, it was a deliberate attempt to cause trouble and upset for the OP.

A's only sorry she was caught out before she could start her next piece of shit stirring by telling the OP that her DP thought she was a fat greedy cow.

Which she had almost got permission to start when the OP got wind of the discussion.

Baby can't go back to thinking this woman is a decent person or a good friend to her. Her eyes have been opened.

No amount of pretend "sorry" can change what happened.

VivaLeBeaver · 09/09/2013 16:03

Blimey, only just read all of this.

Hope you're ok Bunny.

If I were you then I'd cut A out of my life for good. I'd have a serious chat with DP and explain how hurt you've been not only by the initial texts but then by trying to tell you that there's no justification for how you're feeling, that you're been a bit silly/sensitive, etc. To be honest that would upset me more.

How dare someone tell you that you have no right to be upset?

He would have to understand this and be sorry for me to calm down.

Bogeyface · 09/09/2013 16:06

How dare someone tell you that you have no right to be upset?

I absolutely hate it when people try to tell others what they should or shouldnt be upset about. Who the hell has the right to decide what is upsetting to someone else?!

He knows he was wrong and is trying to get the OP to drop it so he doesnt feel bad for what he did. Bastard.

waltermittymissus · 09/09/2013 16:26

Has anyone actually suggested she LTB?

I haven't seen that...

Pickturethis · 09/09/2013 16:31

Do people realise that the man is a SAHD?

If they split their child would stay with him.

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/09/2013 16:33

Are they married?

MNHQ
KateSMumsnet · 09/09/2013 16:33

Hello all,

Can we remind you of our talk guidelines?

lemonmuffin · 09/09/2013 16:37

What Wannabe said.

Op, if you need to lose weight then just do it instead of blaming the people who care about you.