So upset. DP and best friend have been having a little "chat" about me.

[Babybunny88]

Before my friend "A" and I met she had been friends with my DP for years. DP and I were both mutual friends with A. That is how we met, she thought we would be a good match and introduced us 7 years ago. Fantastic.

Obviously because they have been friends for so long they occasionally text which doesn't bother me in the slightest, I know they don't have any romantically inclined feelings for each other. He has often said she is like a sister to him.

Anyway, I was playing a game on DPs iPhone while he pops round to his dbs house and a message from A popped up. I accidentally pressed it (really was an accident, as I was playing the game and hit the notice), and saw my name mentioned in the text so couldn't help reading it.

It said " Lol! do you want me talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it."

Anybody seeing that message would feel inclined to read previous messages, wouldn't they? So I scrolled up and saw that supposed best friend and "d"p were talking about how much weight ive apparently gained. This is word for word how the text convo went:

A: hey, thanks for coming over last night. DH and I enjoyed seeing you both and your DD has got so big!! (We went to theirs for dinner last night)

DP: babybunny and I had a nice night as well. You cook a mean curry!

A: haha I know everybody loves my curries! Maybe though a salad would have been more healthier lol!!

DP: Ahh but who wants a salad on a Saturday night? Curry goes better with Beer! Babybunny doesn't like salads anyway.

A: yes I know... Maybe we should try to get her to like them though..before she puts on any more weight...lol...

DP: yeah maybe. ( I suspect DP didn't know what to say at this point)

A: you know I love her like crazy, but she seems to have put on a bit of weight.. Not good for her health!!

DP: Yea its been since DD was born. Do you have any suggestions? I've noticed this too but for obvious reasons can't say anything.

A: tell her to put down the pies lol!! Just joking! Talk to her about it if it were me I would like DH to tell me!

DP: are you joking? She will go apeshit. Definitely not guareenteed to put down the pies then!

A: Lol! do you want me to talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it.

I am sitting here half devastated half furious! I can't believe the two of them have discussed this! Ok fair enough it wasn't for my eyes and they are probably worrying about my health but I am so upset and don't know what to say to DP when he gets back. Do i say anything to A? i already have self esteem issues and this has made me feel total and utter shit.i didn't think I was that fat. And they are both wrong, I do infact like salads!

Help? :(

The only relevance of the weight issue is that it is something frequently brought up by people who want to slag someone off and then claim they were being "concerned".

"Ho ho, what a fat, greedy trougher she is. Get her to put down the pies!"

"Oh no, I was just worried about her HEALTH."

Op my dh told me I had got fat...to my face, it hurt :-(

I had gained weight and subsequently I've lost the weight. I still feel angry that he said it. although it was true and maybe I needed to be told, it's not nice to hear.

If I was you I would try to rise above it, not easy I know.
Start doing the shred and watch your calories, the weight will drop off. The best revenge will be a fabulous body.

You can punish your dh however is best, gym membership, new clothes time out to excercise. (he can look after dc's) make it very clear he was disloyal to you and your very dissapointed with him.

This thread went MASSIVE didn't it?

It was a pretty shitty molehill to start with but I really don't think it is worth ruining the OP's life over.

A wasn't nice in those messages but we know fuck all else about her. She made some private and off the cuff comments about the OP's weight and now she should LTB and sack off her long term friend?

Yes, confront, yes, tell her to fuck off about calling her 'oversensitive', but I'm utterly astonished it took 600 posts of shrieking (how many of us have had their baby weight sore spot poked by this?) before anyone started getting even a little bit balanced.

We are supposed to be here to support the OP, not fueling her upset :(

PigletMania Which comment sorry? I thought I was being nothing but supoortive of OP and was responding to Eretrew's blunt comments.

I don't think this is the first time this has happened ..From the 'forgot you're so sensitive' blamology, she's in the habit of making digs at OP, behind your back or to your face, isn't she OP? That's probably why it hurt even more that her DH engaged instead of cutting it short. I had a friend who made that same 'you're being so oversensitive' remark whenever I called her out on something biting she'd said and my self-esteem improved dramatically once I ditched her.

Thumpalumpa has it spot on in her post 10:02 today.
Good luck OP.

I do agree with you Nagoo and the others who have expressed similar concerns.

I think that OP had 100s of replies telling her A and her DP were out of order and being angry for her because tgey told her she was over sensitive.

I get the feeling that MNetters were trying to show support and tell her we don't think it is your fault. You are allowed to feel hurt. OP wasn't getting that in RL and I think even though it has turned out very dramatic the reasons behind the fury was to be supportive of OP and not make things worse.

In response to the posters giving diet/exercise advice - certain types of knobheads people will also see this as vindication of their words. "Oh well, I've given her the push she needed to make the effort and lose the weight, well done me, I was only being cruel to be kind and, what a star I am, it worked!" At my wedding, one of my bridesmaids stepped on FIL's foot and apologised. He replied "trust me to get the biggest bridesmaid." He thought he was being funny. Friend was horrified and mortified. I didn't find this out until months later, by which time friend had lost a lot of weight. Next time I saw FIL, subject of friend came up and he said "oh, the big one?" I said she had lost a lot of weight and while we were on the subject, what on earth had he been playing at at the wedding? He got v defensive and justified his words by saying that he had spurred her to lose weight. Arsehole. He wasn't exactly svelte himself at the time.

So, just saying, you need to be very clear that if you choose to lose weight, it is for YOU and not because of anything anyone else said.

Gosh OP that's horrid. Id be so upset and SO cross. How humiliating. I didn't read the thread properly so sorry if I missed something, but I say drop the friend, she sounds horrible. DH has also behaved really badly.

I don't believe for a second your friend is concerned about your weight gain (which is substantial imo) I think she just used it as an excuse to put you down.

Wonder if she fancies him? Ill read the thread properly

I wouldn't either Thumpalumpa. I think your suggestions in your 10.02 post were sensible.

A is not a friend and you should not engage with her again but if you have to icily remote politeness would be the way to go.

As for your DP - he doesn't 'get it' and A is manipulating him and the situation.

So either sit him down and calmly tell him he is in the wrong or write in a letter in black and white.

Say you are upset he didn't talk to you if he had concerns about your weight rather than 'laugh' with a 'friend'

That he broke your trust in him - that he would go behind your back to your friend and 'laugh' at you in this way and this was the reasons looked at his texts was because he had broken your trust with his behaviour. It led to you questioning his trust in so many areas especially as you had no reason to question his relationship to A before.

That you have lost some respect for him as A is clearly manipulating him first into saying bad things about you and then into creating an even worse drama in a desperate bid to make everything about her - thus her need to come over when it was clearly not the correct response. Any intelligent person should be able to see this.

Point out putting his friend before his DC and the mother of his DC his highly worrying for your on-going relationship.

Basically set out in plain language why you are so upset and don?t let him off the hook till he ?gets? it.

Going from a size 10 to a size 14 is not necessarily substantial weight gain, especially after having a baby. I was always someone who needed a larger top size than bottoms (for the boobs) and have also recently lost over 4 stone. Difference between a size 14 and 16 for me was 2 stone. Difference between 12 and 14 was half a stone. And now I need a larger size on the bottom half than the top thanks to hip spread (and I know its hip spread as I now have thigh gap which I never had even when I was a size 10 before).

So anyone saying she's gained a substantial amount of weight do not know, all you know is she has gone up 2 dress sizes since pregnancy.

Are you ok Bunny ? Hope you managed a decent nights sleep.

I hope you are feeling OK today baby.

Ignore those who are being deliberately vindictive.

I don't think it should necessarily be made a big deal of, because that's probably what A expects and you are giving her what she wants. I would just talk to her less and less and only do it in polite conversation.

I'd not fall out completely with DH over it as he just seemed to act inappropriately, but he wasn't the first to start the nasty comments. Also, a lot of men don't realise how sensitive your weight can be, especially after having a baby. It doesn't make it right, but it might be why he doesn't seem to understand why you are feeling so upset.

Explain to him that you don't like the way he spoke about it. Also explain that if he had genuine concerns he could've came to talk to you about it, he didn't need to talk to A about it. If he seems genuinely worried about your weight then maybe look at whether you are happy with your weight. If you are, explain this to him. If you aren't happy with your own weight, then I'd take steps to help reduce it. But make it perfectly clear bitching about your weight isn't the best way to support you in losing weight as it's not an easy process if that's what you do choose to do.

Some people have no diplomacy and then there are others who are deliberately vindictive. I think your DH is the former and A is the latter.

Oh got this is awful :(

Update us OP , hope ur feeling better, I think you've done everything right.

"She made some private and off the cuff comments about the OP's weight"

Those comments were not off the cuff.

She started that conversation with an agenda, and she kept banging away with her little hints about salads, and curry being fattening, until she got the result she wanted, which was to get the DP involved in bitching with her about the OP's weight.

No friend behaves like that.

Hello babybunny, hope you are feeling a bit less fraught today.
I agree with the advice to have a serious talk with your DH about all this. If you don't, this incident will fester. However, in your shoes, i'd find it very hard to be emotionless during this discussion. I'd be wanting to weep, rage, scream and all that. So my suggestion is to write him a letter, explaining exactly why you feel so hurt and what you need him to do.
Writing stuff like this down can be so helpful as you can organise your thoughts better. And if you give him it written in a letter it will give him a chance to think it over and realise wehat a tosser he's been, before he has to face you and apologise.

A is a twat, dump her!

And discuss it with your DH. Sorry to hear this

It's not about weight. It's A trying to keep her claim over the DP and DP being disloyal.
He had the opportunity to shut the conversation down but didn't and then leapt to A's defence and texted her about it.

Your DP should have your back. His loyalty should be to you and DD. 'A' should have been told to leave it.

There are plenty of platonic friendships that respect boundaries and are genuine but there are also a lot of people that want to have their own partner but want their 'friend' to be in thrall to them and feel they can choose and manipulate the partner of their friend. 'A' sounds like one of these.

nobody has been vindictive on this thread. Some people have merely pointed out that the reaction to this situation has been entntirely disproportionate to the actual situation.

The friend is probably one who habitually talks about people behind their backs, and no, she's not the type I would choose to associate with.

But the friend did text to apologise. Said she would come round to sort it out. And op refused. went to bed, was talking of taking the day off work. Seriously do people think these are ok reactions? When the friend said that she knew how sensitive op was she wasn't exactly wrong was she?

Mn can be very supportive at times, but this isn't one of them, this is about whipping up massive hysteria over something which should have caused just a little upset and a rational conversation.

Wannabe have you even read the 'apology'?

What a pair of cocks they both are. I hope you're ok OP?

Is bitch A in a relationship? Do her and dp spend time together in the day whilst he's at home? I'm not saying he's straying but she sounds as if she thinks she's top dog?

She didn't apologise though did she? Calling Bunny sensitive and saying it was banter were excuses not an apology. There was no apology and there were more texts behind OPs back.

Going to bed and not engaging is sensible when you are upset. Why should they continue to set the agenda?

I was thinking about this last night:

While you are right to be annoyed with your dh, beware closing him out with A. That pushes them closer together. They will talk more about you. He is your husband first and foremost. Try to mend things with him, and deal with A later.

Or sort things out with him and don't deal with her at all.

Now that you know what she's like, there's no reason to bother yourself about her any more.