So upset. DP and best friend have been having a little "chat" about me.

[Babybunny88]

Before my friend "A" and I met she had been friends with my DP for years. DP and I were both mutual friends with A. That is how we met, she thought we would be a good match and introduced us 7 years ago. Fantastic.

Obviously because they have been friends for so long they occasionally text which doesn't bother me in the slightest, I know they don't have any romantically inclined feelings for each other. He has often said she is like a sister to him.

Anyway, I was playing a game on DPs iPhone while he pops round to his dbs house and a message from A popped up. I accidentally pressed it (really was an accident, as I was playing the game and hit the notice), and saw my name mentioned in the text so couldn't help reading it.

It said " Lol! do you want me talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it."

Anybody seeing that message would feel inclined to read previous messages, wouldn't they? So I scrolled up and saw that supposed best friend and "d"p were talking about how much weight ive apparently gained. This is word for word how the text convo went:

A: hey, thanks for coming over last night. DH and I enjoyed seeing you both and your DD has got so big!! (We went to theirs for dinner last night)

DP: babybunny and I had a nice night as well. You cook a mean curry!

A: haha I know everybody loves my curries! Maybe though a salad would have been more healthier lol!!

DP: Ahh but who wants a salad on a Saturday night? Curry goes better with Beer! Babybunny doesn't like salads anyway.

A: yes I know... Maybe we should try to get her to like them though..before she puts on any more weight...lol...

DP: yeah maybe. ( I suspect DP didn't know what to say at this point)

A: you know I love her like crazy, but she seems to have put on a bit of weight.. Not good for her health!!

DP: Yea its been since DD was born. Do you have any suggestions? I've noticed this too but for obvious reasons can't say anything.

A: tell her to put down the pies lol!! Just joking! Talk to her about it if it were me I would like DH to tell me!

DP: are you joking? She will go apeshit. Definitely not guareenteed to put down the pies then!

A: Lol! do you want me to talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it.

I am sitting here half devastated half furious! I can't believe the two of them have discussed this! Ok fair enough it wasn't for my eyes and they are probably worrying about my health but I am so upset and don't know what to say to DP when he gets back. Do i say anything to A? i already have self esteem issues and this has made me feel total and utter shit.i didn't think I was that fat. And they are both wrong, I do infact like salads!

Help? :(

My frenemy booked a holiday away for herself and my dp when I was away on business.
Yes, she booked a weekend in Amsterdam to go and see mutual friends. My dp went and slept on the floor of the apartment with the sofa cushions. Herself slept in the bed, with another male friend, as his gf wasn't there. Apparently nothing romantic happened between them, but gf split up with her bf.

I was livid when I was on my trip when I heard, but I simmered down, and thought about what I wanted.
When I came back from my trip, I said nothing to her, but I did mention how disappointed I was to a mutual friend who would get it back to her.
And I simply said "choose" to my dp.

She's not in our life now. I don't miss her. She's single still, no kids, no pets even, she's still so selfish.

Maybe the OP needs to have a think about what she wants. I think A likes the feeling of "owning" the OPs dp and being involved without commitment or intimacy. He's her bitch, and she's allowed all the thrill of a relationship without having to pony up for the emotional bill.

OP try and get some time to have a think about what you want.
A life without your dp?
Or a life without miss shit stirrer?

Do you want a break from them all,
Do you want to focus on your health?
Your dd? What's best for her?

Be cool.
Seek help if you can't find your way through this.
Good luck.

'But yes, the prevailing attitude here is that a DH is U for not feeling overjoyed that his once slim wife is putting on weight and in feeling he cannot talk to her about it, because it is such a sensitive subject.'

Don't be so obtuse. The prevailing attitude is that he DH shouldn't be indulging a 'friend' who is laughing and bitching about his partner behind her back.

If he has concerns about her weight he should be adult enough to raise them with her in a sensitive way. Sniggering behind her back helps no one.

I'm not sure there are any grounds for genuine concerns about the OPs weight.

She's gained some weight after having a baby. Not a huge amount and certainly not an amount that would pose any significant risks to her health.

The only "concern" he could possibly have is that he doesn't fancy her as much now that she's put her body out of shape carrying his baby.

And A has no grounds for concern whatsoever, she's just bitching pure and simple.

About a friend. Who has put on weight after having a baby. To her partner. Nice.

I think the fact that it's about the OP's weight is irrelevant. The problem is that someone bitched about the OP to her DH and he didn't tell her that she was out of order.

And when OP told him how upset it made her feel he made excuses rather than apologise and reassure OP that it wouldn't happen again.

Think you'll find the prevailing attitude it is that DP should not be laughing at his wife behind her back

Ah. I didn't read it like that, but literally. Thank you. No of course her DH shouldn't be laughing at her behind his back. I thought it sounded more awkward than anything else on his part.

But then I just finished a 5k (in 2nd place) here and was told by a coach "You run well, but you need to lose weight". He was trying to be helpful. Its a very British thing that you don't talk about weight, and I don't even think in the UK for everyone its taboo. Some people are just cutting about weight. And the UK is one of the fattest countries, after the US. I've noticed in the UK, some people to my astonishment describe me as skinny, whereas here I've been described as needing to lose weight and never as skinny.

And I have to say if my DH put on a substantial amount of weight ie enough to change his physical appearance, I'd tell him it didn't make me feel good about him. That might hurt his feelings, but better that he should be made aware of it than continue to put on weight, not thinking it matters. But over here, the attitude is more that maintaining a slimmish build is akin to looking after other aspects of your physical appearance, such as brushing your teeth, looking after your hair and skin, wearing smartish clothes, etc..

But some people will comment on weight, and I don't see why the OP's DH isn't allowed to have an opinion on her weight, if its something important to him. Why assume he falls into the category of people for whom weight gain is meaningless? Perhaps the OP and he have different attitudes towards weight and physical appearance?

It's not just the initial bitching though, wannabe, is it? The way he reacted to op's upset is scandalous, he was on the phone to A within seconds to break the news that A had read the texts, then dismissed her not wanting A to come round uninvited with a shruggy "well, if you don't want to sort it out", insisting A was upset and it was down to op to do something about it!
He's putting A's feelings before op's; that's elevating things to a different level of disloyalty.

"And I have to say if my DH put on a substantial amount of weight ie enough to change his physical appearance, I'd tell him it didn't make me feel good about him. "

And would you also think it was OK to laugh at him behind his back with mutual friends?

If he gained weight and a mutual friend approached you when he wasn't there and started making comments about how fat and greedy he was, would you join in?

Would him having put on a bit of weight make that OK?

How about if he gained the weight because of a medical issue and was aware of it and already sensitive about it? Would you still feel the need to tell him how much you didn't find him attractive and laugh about him behind his back?

I would be so upset if I found out my partner and one of my best friends were texting each other behind my back and laughing at me about something that is a very sensitive subject. There is just no excuse for it.

I honk the dynamics of the relationship have to be addressed. His friend needs to know she is the 3rd wheel to your relationship, not that you are the 3rd wheel to theirs x x

Did the OP gain the weight due to a medical issue Join? I'm sorry, I missed that part. Because if she had done so, I would feel nothing but sympathy for her. But otherwise weight gain is something a person can easily do something about. There are lots of things you cannot do something about, such as getting older, or medical issues, but weight gain is unrelated to the latter is.

No, I wouldn't bitch about my DH or laugh at him. I might laugh if he was there, if other tactics such as speaking to him about it didn't work. Having lost my father to heart disease caused by excessive eating and lack of exercise, I think it probably is more kind to be cruel. But I really wouldn't be happy with a fat DH, although we met and got together because of our mutual interest in participative sport, so he would almost be becoming a different person entirely.

from having his baby, mssabs.....

The weight is a red herring. Truly it is.

OP, you are so dignified. That woman is no friend of you or of your marriage, as they say on the Relationships boards here. It might be worth reposting there.

Your partner is coming out of this very badly, I have to say.

Hugs to you and your baby.

I don't see why the OP's DH isn't allowed to have an opinion on her weight

Then why doesn't he talk to her about it, instead of bitching about it to another woman- why is he involving a third person? I presume he also has opinions on other things about the OP, how can she feel sure that he has not talked about other things with A? Would you say it was ok for him to discuss intimate bedroom details with friend A without OP's knowledge? I think most people would be devastated at that thought.

If I were in the op's situation I would be wondering exactly that? What else have they discussed? That is where this is leading- he clearly discusses things with A behind OP's back, he needs to somehow reassure OP that this will stop- and so far he has not shown any signs of that. I feel for you OP, YANBU!!

Thing is I think if it wasn't the OP's weight being bitched about A would have found something else to make digs about wrt OP. Some people are just like that. Not very nice.

I'll get the pitch forks, who's got the torches?

Dissenting posters will be shot.

"The only issue with the OP is that the truth hurts. But clearly the friend and the DH are fully aware of this and trying to manage the OP's feelings."

Absolutely not. Then A would not have cooked up a curry! If she was truly concerned with OPs health and weight, she could have opted for a lean fish dish, BBQ Tuna steaks for example.

Yep, this is nothing to do with her weight, that was just the initial discussion, this is everything to do with his and A's attitude to the OP. Dismissing her upset in the way he did was appalling. I think thatWriter was right when she said "His friend needs to know she is the 3rd wheel to your relationship, not that you are the 3rd wheel to theirs" but I would add the the "D"H needs to understand that too.

Maybe A feels she is somehow closer to you both and have a bigger part of your relationship and life than is healthy, due to her having known him longer. Her bringing you together may have given her a sort of weird entitlement or feeling of ownership over your relationship. Maybe she has meddled for a long time, and you did not realize until now. Goodness knows how much your dp and A have been talking, and how much he has involved A in your life and issues?

The issue is not the weight, but the way they have both been acting un-loyally to you discussing you and mocking you behind your back

I agree you should perhaps just accept As apology and move on and block her from your life.

I think people reacted strongly to this because it's easy to imagine how we'd feel in the same situation as the OP. Some people wouldn't be bothered it seems - but the vast majority of us would be very upset.

I once overheard a woman say something similar about what I was wearing to DH - ('becstar didn't quite get the dress code did she? I suppose she must have bought that dress before she had your DS...') she didn't know I was standing around the corner behind them, neither did he. DH replied 'Well, Becstar's so gorgeous she can put on a sack and rub her face with lard and all anyone notices is how charming she is.' This was the CORRECT answer and he said it with such warmth. And yet I still cried when we got home, just because some random cow had quite correctly pointed out that I couldn't afford new clothes and had gained too much weight since I'd last had chance to go to a party. DH held me and repeated how gorgeous he thinks I am, and said suitably cutting things about the woman who'd said it. But I remember feeling sad, even though DH was in my corner and the person who said it wasn't even a friend. So I really feel for babybunny. Personally I wouldn't give a second thought to ditching the 'friend'. I'm shocked at how unsupportive your DP is being. I hope he comes to his senses and apologises properly.

And hope you're feeling better today babybunny x

Your DP sounds like a good 'un becscertainstar!

Doesn't he, though? :)

I'm not sure what my DH would say in the same situation, but it would probably involve a lot of "mmmm" and "errrrr" and looking desperately to figure out where I was so he could get away.

The topic of the conversation isn't relevant it is the tone.

Exactly. Why the fixation with OP's weight? her weight isn't the issue its the bitching. They were caught out and should both apologise profusely. Not make this about OP's apparent oversensitivity

I wonder if A has a partner, or children herself?