Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

So upset. DP and best friend have been having a little "chat" about me.

999 replies

Babybunny88 · 08/09/2013 16:06

Before my friend "A" and I met she had been friends with my DP for years. DP and I were both mutual friends with A. That is how we met, she thought we would be a good match and introduced us 7 years ago. Fantastic.

Obviously because they have been friends for so long they occasionally text which doesn't bother me in the slightest, I know they don't have any romantically inclined feelings for each other. He has often said she is like a sister to him.

Anyway, I was playing a game on DPs iPhone while he pops round to his dbs house and a message from A popped up. I accidentally pressed it (really was an accident, as I was playing the game and hit the notice), and saw my name mentioned in the text so couldn't help reading it.

It said " Lol! do you want me talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it."

Anybody seeing that message would feel inclined to read previous messages, wouldn't they? So I scrolled up and saw that supposed best friend and "d"p were talking about how much weight ive apparently gained. This is word for word how the text convo went:

A: hey, thanks for coming over last night. DH and I enjoyed seeing you both and your DD has got so big!! (We went to theirs for dinner last night)

DP: babybunny and I had a nice night as well. You cook a mean curry!

A: haha I know everybody loves my curries! Maybe though a salad would have been more healthier lol!!

DP: Ahh but who wants a salad on a Saturday night? Curry goes better with Beer! Babybunny doesn't like salads anyway.

A: yes I know... Maybe we should try to get her to like them though..before she puts on any more weight...lol...

DP: yeah maybe. ( I suspect DP didn't know what to say at this point)

A: you know I love her like crazy, but she seems to have put on a bit of weight.. Not good for her health!!

DP: Yea its been since DD was born. Do you have any suggestions? I've noticed this too but for obvious reasons can't say anything.

A: tell her to put down the pies lol!! Just joking! Talk to her about it if it were me I would like DH to tell me!

DP: are you joking? She will go apeshit. Definitely not guareenteed to put down the pies then!

A: Lol! do you want me to talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it.

I am sitting here half devastated half furious! I can't believe the two of them have discussed this! Ok fair enough it wasn't for my eyes and they are probably worrying about my health but I am so upset and don't know what to say to DP when he gets back. Do i say anything to A? i already have self esteem issues and this has made me feel total and utter shit.i didn't think I was that fat. And they are both wrong, I do infact like salads!

Help? :(

OP posts:
BulletProofVestyBunny · 09/09/2013 09:40

Oh, you've excelled yourself with that one Bonsoir. Hmm

Bonsoir · 09/09/2013 09:41

The only issue with the OP is that the truth hurts. But clearly the friend and the DH are fully aware of this and trying to manage the OP's feelings.

KirjavaTheCat · 09/09/2013 09:42

Yes indeed, DP once told his mate to stop bringing up how much weight I'd gained since we met 8 years ago, as it was unnecessary and none of his business.

I nearly LTB, the cheek of it.

burberryqueen · 09/09/2013 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Morloth · 09/09/2013 09:42

Yeah, cause French women don't get fat, ever not one of them, nope. Snort.

burberryqueen · 09/09/2013 09:42

*hubbee and ami je mean naturellement

JakeBullet · 09/09/2013 09:43

Bonsoir has issues regarding g weight.....have seen similar posts in the past from her.

The issue here is NOT an expression of concern but a discussion behind the OP's back which neither of them dared to have in the open.

BulletProofVestyBunny · 09/09/2013 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Bonsoir · 09/09/2013 09:44

Why is it better to have conversations in the open when you care about people's feelings?

KoalaFace · 09/09/2013 09:45

Chuckle its really brave to take responsibility for your behaviour and I really admire you. You must have changed loads to be so open about how you used to be.

ovenbun I like your reply. A lot. I'll be filing that away for anyone toxic who pops up in my life.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2013 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

celticclan · 09/09/2013 09:47

If the friend was genuinely concerned about the OP's weight she would have discussed it with the OP not the Dh. The reason she raised the subject to the Dh was to highlight the weight gain to him and hoping he would compare the OP unfavourably against herself.

As others have said she is not a friend of the marriage. A friend would have discreetly said to the OP something like "oh I shouldn't be eating this curry I need to lose a few pounds, are you back to your pre baby weight yet?" When the OP says that no she still has some to lose the "friend" could suggest joining weightwatchers together or taking up
running. She is no friend.

Therealamandaclarke · 09/09/2013 09:49

Posting on aibu was always going to extend or inflate the issue by ppl fanning the flames of indignation.
But in some ways, rightly so.
Most posts have just been expressing Angry or Sad on babybunny's behalf.
"A" made deliberately derogatory remarks about babybunny (bitchy at best) and DP did not stand yo for her, either in the texts or in person.
Ok. Ppl DO talk about others behind their backs and no one ever heard anything good about themselves through a keyhole, as they say. But the protagonists are deflecting the responsibility for their unkind words onto babybunny and that's not fair.
I wouldn't end a relationship or friendship over this (proof that the Mirena hormones have subsided?)
But I would have been very upset at the time and I would need to hear an apology.
Neither bitchy or knobby have apologised yet.

Oh, and as an aside: So called "snooping" is a very minor wrong in comparison with finding hurtful information via the "snoop"

And, although going to work was the right thing to do IMHO, it is completely understandable that babybunny felt like throwing a sicky when she was upset last night.

Stay cool babybunny

Therealamandaclarke · 09/09/2013 09:53

Never, never discuss a persons weight in company
Unless you're all at "fat fighters"
Never.

And expect to be properly told off if you're found making snide comments about your friend or DP behind their back.

Bloody hell. Basic life rules.

waltermittymissus · 09/09/2013 09:54

I'm sorry I don't buy this "apology = get over it".

Not now anyway.

Maybe when he'd first been confronted.

The situation hasn't escalated because of MN. It's escalated because she's in a relationship with a walking prick who values this other woman's feelings over his partner's.

That's unacceptable and she shouldn't be encouraged to see it as less of an issue than it is.

His reaction and subsequent behaviour is far more worrying than the initial text conversation.

Therealamandaclarke · 09/09/2013 09:55

stay cool

SixPackWellies · 09/09/2013 09:57

What therealamandaclarke says.

Thumpalumpa · 09/09/2013 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CakesAreNotTheAnswer · 09/09/2013 10:03

Hope you're ok today op.

Beastofburden · 09/09/2013 10:10

I would say that the DH and A both need to make it clear to OP that they love and respect her and that they are properly sorry. I can see that the OP doesn't feel that she has had anything nearly good enough yet as an apology.

I do worry a little about some of the advice here. I have seen before on MN that among some posters there is a real mistrust of female friends of Dhs, and they can be very quick to advise OPs to insist on those friends being dumped.

Being outraged on OP's behalf was exactly right at the start, and what she needed to hear. But I would urge the OP to think about where this is all going. Nobody likes being discussed behind their backs; it is hurtful and upsetting and your DH was right to say that you would be especially hurt to think people were criticising weight gain that is part of being a mother. But I think people are wrong to say that it shows a fundamental disrespect for your marriage, or a conspiracy, or a pattern of nasty and untrustworthy behaviour. I think it just shows a lack of sensitivity in A, and she ought to understand that she got this wrong. And it shows DH I think being caught unawares and not saying the perfect thing, but not actually saying anything too horrible.

So from the vantage point of a very long marriage, I would say that it is time for them both to make it absolutely clear how much they love, value and respect you; for them to stop minimising your hurt just because they wouldn't have been hurt; and then for you to forgive them and move on.

KoalaFace · 09/09/2013 10:15

I'd be tempted to tell DP that I'm joing the gym. The fancy one with the swimming pool, sauna and jacuzzi. And cafe.

Then I'd be going for saunas and jacuzzis and then a pie in the cafe.

"Aaaaaah, I do feel better after an evening at the gym dear!"

LessMissAbs · 09/09/2013 10:22

Is the OP annoyed more about the fact that her DP and his friend had a conversation about her behind her back or because it is about her weight?

I'm a bit hmmn about the latter. I lived for a while in the Netherlands, and am currently in Belgium, where it is "normal" and not considered rude to comment if someone is gaining weight. They think they are doing you a favour, in that you might overlook it yourself, but if people you know remind you, it might shock you into doing something about it.

Its very noticeable coming back to the UK that there is this thing about women, once they are past perhaps 30 or 35, putting on weight and losing their slimness. I guess not everyone in the UK follows this thinking. In fact, its the opposite - there are concerted attempts to brainwash you into thinking that putting on weight or being a size 16/18 with a high BMI is "normal" and that being slim after a certain age or describing habits which maintain your weight all your life are akin to having an eating disorder. Slim people are described as "thin" and overweight people as "big".

But yes, the prevailing attitude here is that a DH is U for not feeling overjoyed that his once slim wife is putting on weight and in feeling he cannot talk to her about it, because it is such a sensitive subject.

wannaBe · 09/09/2013 10:24

A lot of overreactions on this thread.

No, it?s not nice to be talked about and to know that you?re being talked about, but can all of you honestly say that you never talk about your dh?s to your friends? Ever?

Now, I?ll be the first to say that I generally don?t like the culture of bitching about one?s partner to other people, but it is a culture which certainly does exist and I don?t think i know anyone who hasn?t at some point had a conversation with a friend about their partner they would probably prefer that their partner didn?t gain knowledge of. I wonder actually whether the reactions on this thread have more to do with the fact the op?s dp was having this conversation with a woman.

I do understand why the op was upset about reading the conversation, but hysterics and wanting to take the day off work over a few texts is a completely disproportionate reaction and might even explain why the dp and friend wouldn?t feel able to discuss with the op if their concerns were genuinely about her health.

Yes, two people had a conversation about the op and she read it, and no, it wasn?t very nice.

But it?s time to move on.

KoalaFace · 09/09/2013 10:28

Think you'll find the prevailing attitude it is that DP should not be laughing at his wife behind her back.

The weight issue is irrelevent. It could have been about her new haircut, her penchant for wearing a lot of mascara or her accent. Why are they laughing at her behind her back? It wasn't a "concerned about her health" chat. It was bitchy.

Bogeyface · 09/09/2013 10:29

The way she went into that conversation looking to get digs in about your weight and have a bitch about your with your DP is not really something she can apologise for. It was done with the full intention of being as harmful and hurtful as possible. The only thing she can be sorry about is that you found out.

This.

Perhaps if the OP puts it to her husband in this way he might get it. Some women are just fucking bitches and are very manipulative and because they are very good at it, some men genuinely dont see it happening, which I think is the case here.

What I wonder is what is her motivation? I do think that there is a level of "ownership" but I can't help feeling that there is more to it than that.