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AIBU?

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Original poster

So upset. DP and best friend have been having a little "chat" about me.

999 replies

Babybunny88 · 08/09/2013 16:06

Before my friend "A" and I met she had been friends with my DP for years. DP and I were both mutual friends with A. That is how we met, she thought we would be a good match and introduced us 7 years ago. Fantastic.

Obviously because they have been friends for so long they occasionally text which doesn't bother me in the slightest, I know they don't have any romantically inclined feelings for each other. He has often said she is like a sister to him.

Anyway, I was playing a game on DPs iPhone while he pops round to his dbs house and a message from A popped up. I accidentally pressed it (really was an accident, as I was playing the game and hit the notice), and saw my name mentioned in the text so couldn't help reading it.

It said " Lol! do you want me talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it."

Anybody seeing that message would feel inclined to read previous messages, wouldn't they? So I scrolled up and saw that supposed best friend and "d"p were talking about how much weight ive apparently gained. This is word for word how the text convo went:

A: hey, thanks for coming over last night. DH and I enjoyed seeing you both and your DD has got so big!! (We went to theirs for dinner last night)

DP: babybunny and I had a nice night as well. You cook a mean curry!

A: haha I know everybody loves my curries! Maybe though a salad would have been more healthier lol!!

DP: Ahh but who wants a salad on a Saturday night? Curry goes better with Beer! Babybunny doesn't like salads anyway.

A: yes I know... Maybe we should try to get her to like them though..before she puts on any more weight...lol...

DP: yeah maybe. ( I suspect DP didn't know what to say at this point)

A: you know I love her like crazy, but she seems to have put on a bit of weight.. Not good for her health!!

DP: Yea its been since DD was born. Do you have any suggestions? I've noticed this too but for obvious reasons can't say anything.

A: tell her to put down the pies lol!! Just joking! Talk to her about it if it were me I would like DH to tell me!

DP: are you joking? She will go apeshit. Definitely not guareenteed to put down the pies then!

A: Lol! do you want me to talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it.

I am sitting here half devastated half furious! I can't believe the two of them have discussed this! Ok fair enough it wasn't for my eyes and they are probably worrying about my health but I am so upset and don't know what to say to DP when he gets back. Do i say anything to A? i already have self esteem issues and this has made me feel total and utter shit.i didn't think I was that fat. And they are both wrong, I do infact like salads!

Help? :(

OP posts:
pigletmania · 09/09/2013 09:01

I would most certainly talk to your partner calmly and hopefully he apologise. With A inwould just cool things down

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 09/09/2013 09:04

I think there's some value in trying to move forward and move on, instead of writing everything off. The difficulty is in the OP's knowledge now of a different dynamic at work in her relationship with her partner and with her friend - it makes 'normal' rational behaviour quite hard. Every time a text arrives, it will be hard not to wonder what's in it. The key here would be the DP's willingness to change things. If he can see that this has caused hurt and upset (rather than heaping all that onto he OP being 'sensitive' Hmm) and that he has to conduct his friendship with A differently in future, then it allows them to move on. If he simply will not accept that, then the OP is stuck with feeling second best to A. I think a serious discussion is needed to see if he can step up to this.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 09/09/2013 09:10

It entirely depends on the OP's DP, really, doesn't it. He has the power to fix this.

Hope you're feeling ok today OP and hope you can get this sorted out with your partner.

Chucklecheeks · 09/09/2013 09:17

I want to give an insight in to 'A's behaviour. I feel able to do this as because not too long ago I was acting exactly like A. I was a selfish, manipulative and extremely insecure person. I did some horrible things but always managed to pass the blame on to other people.

She keeps contacting you not to make you feel better, it's to make herself feel better. once you tell her it's all ok it will all be forgotton and she will carry on as she did before.

it took someone standing up to me for me to see the error of my ways and i still struggle to contain my desire to have everything on my terms now.

She sees your husband as hers. It might not be romantic but he is her property, as are you. If you don't fit, and you now don't because you stood up to her, she will replace you.

Unless she is ready to accept she is wrong nothing you could say would change her opinion of what has gone on. Your husband standing up to her may have given her the shock she needs but he is enabling her behaviour so she will feel even more vindicated.

I hope you can rise a I've both of them.

Screwfox · 09/09/2013 09:17

i think you should have spoken to her right at the beginning and that posters here actually made the situation worse.
You should have calmly said how you felt and left it at that. all the texting and tears achieved nothing

KirjavaTheCat · 09/09/2013 09:17

I really wouldn't want to be continuing a friendship with this woman, or accepting any apology from her. I wouldn't be able to trust a single word she said to me again. She doesn't sound like a friend at all - I wouldn't dream of mentioning a friend's weight gain to their husband, mutual friends or not. "Banter" includes the

Obviously things will move on with you and your husband, you're in a committed relationship and you love him, and he loves you. But that doesn't mean you automatically have to swallow this. You have every right to be angry and hurt, he needs to make it clear that he's sorry - until he does you have no obligation to 'fix things', you're not in the wrong here. You're entitled to your feelings.

I'd feel utterly betrayed and humiliated if DP did this to me. It wouldn't be a case of accepting an apology and moving on. I'd be deeply, deeply hurt.

KirjavaTheCat · 09/09/2013 09:20

Sorry, "banter" should include the person being "bantered" about. Otherwise it's snide bitching.

SomethingOnce · 09/09/2013 09:22

Thank goodness the tone of the thread is being tempered by some more measured advice. I've been a bit Shock at the way things have gone tbh.

OP, please bear in mind that online you can't easily know what personal issues other people are bringing to the discussion. As another poster said, it's easy for people to contribute irresponsibly since they are not in your real life and there are no consequences for them if they give poor advice.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 09/09/2013 09:23

There is no way things can go back to the way they were before. And no more should they.

You can't unknow what you now know about the way they talk about you behind your back.

Sometimes you need to an accept an apology and sometimes you find out stuff that can't be apologised for and which changes how you see someone forever.

You thought A was your friend. She is not. And probably never really has been since you got together with your friend.

The way she went into that conversation looking to get digs in about your weight and have a bitch about your with your DP is not really something she can apologise for.

It was done with the full intention of being as harmful and hurtful as possible. The only thing she can be sorry about is that you found out.

If your DP ever bothers to apologise for being so disloyal and hateful about you to someone else, then you can think about forgiving him.

But insisting it was a joke, when it was clearly nothing of the sort, and expecting you to be OK with being spoken about like that, is absolutely unacceptable.

ovenbun · 09/09/2013 09:25

:( so upset/angry for you.... A is a complete frenemy..what a total bitch...she led you dp to that conversation and the bit about you being sensitive is bullshit...now shes trying to make you look bad as she is supposedly soo upset by this all..MANIPULATIVE BITCH
Any girl who saw her husband and his friend slagging her appearance off would be completely gutted and hurt! It isnt banter to say your friend is fat behind her back..and to say it to her husband is so utterly underhand and just low really.
I wish they could both read this and see what most women think about the completely dickish way they acted.
but two can play this game...
my response to her would be something like ..

Hi A, I have always valued your friendship and am thankful that you introduced me and DP. I was dissapointed to read your messages because i thought better of you than to 'joke' about a girls size behind her back..especially to her husband. I hope you are alright because its really unlike you to do something nasty and low like that.There is a difference between bitchyness and banter...banter you say to someones face. Calling me sensitive is pretty bitchy considering the horrible things you said, and tried to get my husband to say, about me. You can try to make me out to be the bad person as much as you like, but I think you know what you did was low. Perhaps there is stuff going on in your own life that you need some help with, maybe some self esteem issues? But please dont use my husband to try to make you feel better about yourself. We have a rock solid marriage, and a beautiful little girl..and even though he might make mistakes sometimes like getting dragged into your 'banter' nothing will ever be as important to him as we are, so you're wasting your time trying to undermine that. The way you acted was really ugly.
babybunny

Bonsoir · 09/09/2013 09:27

Lucky you having a friend and a DH who care both about your weight and about your feelings.

Morloth · 09/09/2013 09:29

As if Bonsoir, as if that conversation had anything at all to do with caring.

What a crock of bullshit.

Rooners · 09/09/2013 09:31

Bonsoir?

ovenbun · 09/09/2013 09:31

omg Bonsoir....lucky us not to have you as a friend if you think thats caring behaviour!

CeliaFate · 09/09/2013 09:32

Seriously Bonsoir? You'd be pleased if you were the OP?

If they were concerned, the OP's dh could have mentioned in private that he was concerned for his wife's health.

Likewise, the dh's friend if she was so keen to interfere could have said something politely, in private to the OP's face.

Although quite why an adult is deemed unfit to gauge her own personal health and fitness is beyond me.

Fairy1303 · 09/09/2013 09:33

The fucking conniving little bitch! I am SO SO angry on your behalf!
Firstly, a size 14 is NOT FAT.
Secondly, you have had HIS BABY.
Thirdly, it is nobody's business but yours.
Fourthly, ditch the fucking bitch.

And frankly I'd be making dh grovel.
Yes he came off marginally better. I do think he was backed into a corner. But he should have told her you were beautiful and to fuck off.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2013 09:33

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pigletmania · 09/09/2013 09:35

I think bonsoir was being sarcastic

Hullygully · 09/09/2013 09:36

Bonsoir is sulking because Xenia didn't let her on the island.

Rooners · 09/09/2013 09:36

Chucklecheeks I think that was a very brave and helpful post. I hope OP reads it, because it makes a lot of sense.

Rooners · 09/09/2013 09:37

Is she AF? I thought she was genuine, albeit obsessed with laundry.

Hullygully · 09/09/2013 09:37

yy to chuckle

Hullygully · 09/09/2013 09:38

Also the French (which Bonsoir desperately identifies with) think anything is fair game if fatness is involved.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 09/09/2013 09:39

I often wish my husband would spend more time bitching about my body to my friends behind my back.

It would make me feel so special.

Morloth · 09/09/2013 09:40

And thinness. Bonsoir thinks you can get the worth of a woman if you know her weight.

When I was a young'un I had a posse of boys. We were gamers, there were 5 of them and one of me. As a female gamer I was pretty hot property. I did think of them as mine, and even after I 'picked' one I would feel a pang when the others started dating.

However, I wasn't so fucking far up my own arse that I believed I had any place in their relationships. We are still very good friends with all the people involved.

There was no need an no possible kind motivation for those texts, none at all.