Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

So upset. DP and best friend have been having a little "chat" about me.

999 replies

Babybunny88 · 08/09/2013 16:06

Before my friend "A" and I met she had been friends with my DP for years. DP and I were both mutual friends with A. That is how we met, she thought we would be a good match and introduced us 7 years ago. Fantastic.

Obviously because they have been friends for so long they occasionally text which doesn't bother me in the slightest, I know they don't have any romantically inclined feelings for each other. He has often said she is like a sister to him.

Anyway, I was playing a game on DPs iPhone while he pops round to his dbs house and a message from A popped up. I accidentally pressed it (really was an accident, as I was playing the game and hit the notice), and saw my name mentioned in the text so couldn't help reading it.

It said " Lol! do you want me talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it."

Anybody seeing that message would feel inclined to read previous messages, wouldn't they? So I scrolled up and saw that supposed best friend and "d"p were talking about how much weight ive apparently gained. This is word for word how the text convo went:

A: hey, thanks for coming over last night. DH and I enjoyed seeing you both and your DD has got so big!! (We went to theirs for dinner last night)

DP: babybunny and I had a nice night as well. You cook a mean curry!

A: haha I know everybody loves my curries! Maybe though a salad would have been more healthier lol!!

DP: Ahh but who wants a salad on a Saturday night? Curry goes better with Beer! Babybunny doesn't like salads anyway.

A: yes I know... Maybe we should try to get her to like them though..before she puts on any more weight...lol...

DP: yeah maybe. ( I suspect DP didn't know what to say at this point)

A: you know I love her like crazy, but she seems to have put on a bit of weight.. Not good for her health!!

DP: Yea its been since DD was born. Do you have any suggestions? I've noticed this too but for obvious reasons can't say anything.

A: tell her to put down the pies lol!! Just joking! Talk to her about it if it were me I would like DH to tell me!

DP: are you joking? She will go apeshit. Definitely not guareenteed to put down the pies then!

A: Lol! do you want me to talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it.

I am sitting here half devastated half furious! I can't believe the two of them have discussed this! Ok fair enough it wasn't for my eyes and they are probably worrying about my health but I am so upset and don't know what to say to DP when he gets back. Do i say anything to A? i already have self esteem issues and this has made me feel total and utter shit.i didn't think I was that fat. And they are both wrong, I do infact like salads!

Help? :(

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 09/09/2013 06:23

I was thinking, real banter would include the subject of the joke being included in the conversation. So if she said to your DP, 'have you eaten all the pies?'

Rude, but banter.

Joking about you behind your back is not banter.

I wouldn't have written them off for the original texts necessarily but the way they've responded since is terrible. I would have no more to do with her and a serious chat with your DP about his disloyalty.

RubyGoat · 09/09/2013 07:21

Hi OP

Hope you slept well & feel calmer today. recommend you go to work as usual. Don't let them see they have got to you.Then have a proper talk with your DH about how this makes you feel, make sure he actually realises it's not nice & that he is in the wrong here, although you can say that A has been much worse as it was at her instigation. You may have to be a bit diplomatic & not back him into a corner. Then tell him, if your weight does bother him, what things he can do to help you lose it. Or that you aren't ready to yet, which is is also fine. If he is willing to help here - great. if not, he has revealed himself to be not a very nice person & not loyal to you by preferring to gossip behind your back rather that help you resolve an issue.

And tell him that A isn't (shouldn't be) part of your marriage so you'd appreciate it if she just backed off for now.y

slinkydinky · 09/09/2013 07:22

I hope you managed to sleep OP and that today is a better day for you.

eatriskier · 09/09/2013 07:30

I agree that suggestions of affairs are not helpful but the truth is there is something badly wrong with A and DPs relationship. just looking at the incidents:

  • babybunny accidentally opened up a message where her name caught her eye and she read, and then read further. Accidentally clicking is easy enough, I've done it lots on dhs phone and he has on mine. if my name was on the message I'd read and dh says he would do the same.
  • dp comes home and blames babybunny. now yes, he has a right to be angry she read the messages but that doesn't mitigate the need for an apology here. he says A doesn't mean it, its just banter. still doesn't mitigate the need for an apology.
  • dp huffs off, then a text comes in from A blaming op for being sensitive. Then repeated calls.
  • no inquiry or care that op is upset, but dp tells her to answer calls from A as A is upset.
  • A threatens to come round, dp is told to tell her to fuck off. do has a go coz babybunny doesn't want to sort it out.

notwithstanding the facts that

  • prior messages between the 2 have been deleted
  • dp says that's what she is like but op hasn't noticed this bitchy behaviour before, so A most likely has a front on in front of op.

DPS behaviour is exceptionally fucked up here.

eatriskier · 09/09/2013 07:33

babybunny hope you are OK today and you got some sleep. go to work today, talk to some rational real life people and try to Kay this out coldly for dp later. her words may have hurt but its his actions he needs to apologise for.

GreetingsFrontBottom · 09/09/2013 07:34

I forget how sensitive you are some times lol!!

How DARE she blame you Angry

Rooners · 09/09/2013 07:38

I realise you know your DP won't hurt your little girl directly, but the fact he has hurt you so badly makes you want to ensure that she is protected from similar so it is natural to want to stay with her today - also she is the only person who hasn't hurt you.

And he has breached your trust and betrayed you, and so he feels like a stranger. You don't feel like you can trust him with dd, just because he has acted in a way that you didn't previously anticipate, so logically, he might do so again in a different way.

He is making no steps to resolve this issue. He has neither reassured you nor has he apologised.

I would feel the same and also that there was possibly far more to it than I already knew...until everything was clear I would be unable to relax or leave my child with him.

Can anyone else look after her for today? I'm not saying that she is in any danger, though she will probably still be upset by what has happened, and anxious at leaving you if you are unhappy (totally normal for kids to feel like that) but it might give you a bit of head space while you get to grips with the situation.

I would also be asking DP to leave for a few days so you can think it all through.

Thinking of you xx

Morloth · 09/09/2013 07:42

Sounds like you have an extra person in your marriage.

Fuck that, DH has my back, always.

SybilRamkin · 09/09/2013 07:48

Hope you managed to get a good night's sleep OP. Thinking of you today.

pigletmania · 09/09/2013 07:53

Mimi shims don't be so silly. Op has far more important issues on her mind. That comment would come from you Hmm

pigletmania · 09/09/2013 07:57

Mimi she did not gain a fair bit of waight she is only a 14, not 24 fgs. I think the weight issue will be far from her priorities right now and so it should be. If op wants to loose it should be for herself and not because some insensitive pricks were aughing behind her back!

Blueandwhitelover · 09/09/2013 07:58

Hope you are ok this morning x

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 09/09/2013 07:59

Hope you are feeling calmer today Babybunny. I'd continue to ignore calls and texts from bitch face. She hasn't properly apologised anyway so no point speaking to her. As shes been such a bitch her friendship is no great loss.

Really hope you can sort things out with your DP today. He owes you a massive apology and hopefully he can see that himself today. Dont get sucked into any dramas though or you'll be as ridiculous as they are being and you wont retain the moral high ground as successfully as you would have done.

I dont know where you go from here if your DP wont at least see things from your point of view. Hopefully he will start to.

Morloth · 09/09/2013 08:03

It doesn't matter whether OP is the size of a fucking house.

Your husband does not get into a bitchy conversation about you with someone who claims to be your friend.

He just doesn't, he logs off if he really can't think of anything to say to shut it down.

I would be furious and feeling deeply hurt and betrayed if my DH did this. He is my mate, he wouldn't do that to me.

The fact that he is defending his friend like this is pretty uncomfortable actually.

QuintessentialOldDear · 09/09/2013 08:09

It is true it is not banter when it happens behind somebodys back. It is mocery.

pigletmania · 09/09/2013 08:26

I personally would be livid with the partner, who is meant to love and support, not have a laugh with my so called best friend abut my weight.

northernlurker · 09/09/2013 08:27

JUst scanned through the whole thread. Of course the partner and friend have behaved apallingly, especially in their justification of the situation HOWEVER I don't think the majority of posts on this thread have particularly helped the OP. Seems to have really upped the ante. I can't believe the OP was thinking last night she wouldn't be able to work today - because of some bitchy text messages? Hmm OP - come on, you need to move on from this and that will probably involve accepting an apology. You know now that your friend will say things behind your back and you know that your DP will panic when confronted - which is what's happened here. I would take those bits of information and move on. No good will come of holding a grudge.

ithaka · 09/09/2013 08:30

I agree northernlurker - you do need to be able to accept an apology and move on sometimes, otherwise you will only hurt yourself in the long run. A decent chat with your DH when it has calmed down and an agreement you will both be a bit more distant in the friendship with A in the future seems a reasonable outcome. I don't think it is fair to ask him to drop an old friend over this - just renegotiate some boundaries to the friendship
.

Feelingfatty · 09/09/2013 08:30

I think northernlurker makes a lot of sense! It was v hurtful, they need to apologise and you need to accept. If my husband and friend did this I'd be fuming but it wouldn't be a divorce!!! I hope things are sorted out soon x

pigletmania · 09/09/2013 08:34

I agree northern. Go to work, talk to your partner calmly and rationally. I personally would accept As apology so that you can move forward, and let the friendship cool between you. Yes establish clear boundaries between Friend A and partner, if they are crossed again than yes there should be talk of not having a friendship with A anymore

Vivacia · 09/09/2013 08:43

I agree about going to work this morning, and I also wonder if it was our posts yesterday afternoon that made the OP feel so overwhelmed as to consider staying off.

However, I with respect to this advice, you do need to be able to accept an apology and move on sometimes the problem is the husband hasn't apologised and neither has the friend really. So what does she do? Demand an apology and ignore her husband until he does or just accept their behaviour and move on?

Almostfifty · 09/09/2013 08:43

Northern you've just said exactly what I was thinking to myself as I was reading this.

Kinnane · 09/09/2013 08:45

OP. If I were you I would accept an apology from both and move on. Your life with your DP and daughter seems to have been very good up to now and I would value it too much to let this destroy it.

eatriskier · 09/09/2013 08:49

Exactly Vivacia neither have apologised. I'd counsel accepting their apology but being wary had either apologised but blaming the op for their behaviour is not apologising. Actual apologies require an acceptance of the blame.

KoalaFace · 09/09/2013 08:51

I agree. If they actually apologise (I suppose A's text could possibly be seen as an apology. Of sorts.) then moving on with the knowledge of how they behave would be the measured and sensible response.

But OP don't take responsibility for your hurt. Don't accept from them that you are "too sensitive" or "can't take a joke". DP should take responsibility for hurting you.