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Original poster

So upset. DP and best friend have been having a little "chat" about me.

999 replies

Babybunny88 · 08/09/2013 16:06

Before my friend "A" and I met she had been friends with my DP for years. DP and I were both mutual friends with A. That is how we met, she thought we would be a good match and introduced us 7 years ago. Fantastic.

Obviously because they have been friends for so long they occasionally text which doesn't bother me in the slightest, I know they don't have any romantically inclined feelings for each other. He has often said she is like a sister to him.

Anyway, I was playing a game on DPs iPhone while he pops round to his dbs house and a message from A popped up. I accidentally pressed it (really was an accident, as I was playing the game and hit the notice), and saw my name mentioned in the text so couldn't help reading it.

It said " Lol! do you want me talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it."

Anybody seeing that message would feel inclined to read previous messages, wouldn't they? So I scrolled up and saw that supposed best friend and "d"p were talking about how much weight ive apparently gained. This is word for word how the text convo went:

A: hey, thanks for coming over last night. DH and I enjoyed seeing you both and your DD has got so big!! (We went to theirs for dinner last night)

DP: babybunny and I had a nice night as well. You cook a mean curry!

A: haha I know everybody loves my curries! Maybe though a salad would have been more healthier lol!!

DP: Ahh but who wants a salad on a Saturday night? Curry goes better with Beer! Babybunny doesn't like salads anyway.

A: yes I know... Maybe we should try to get her to like them though..before she puts on any more weight...lol...

DP: yeah maybe. ( I suspect DP didn't know what to say at this point)

A: you know I love her like crazy, but she seems to have put on a bit of weight.. Not good for her health!!

DP: Yea its been since DD was born. Do you have any suggestions? I've noticed this too but for obvious reasons can't say anything.

A: tell her to put down the pies lol!! Just joking! Talk to her about it if it were me I would like DH to tell me!

DP: are you joking? She will go apeshit. Definitely not guareenteed to put down the pies then!

A: Lol! do you want me to talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it.

I am sitting here half devastated half furious! I can't believe the two of them have discussed this! Ok fair enough it wasn't for my eyes and they are probably worrying about my health but I am so upset and don't know what to say to DP when he gets back. Do i say anything to A? i already have self esteem issues and this has made me feel total and utter shit.i didn't think I was that fat. And they are both wrong, I do infact like salads!

Help? :(

OP posts:
urmydarlings · 08/09/2013 23:00

This reply has been deleted

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Echocave · 08/09/2013 23:00

OP I hope you and your dd are both fast asleep by now (and that you'll be reading this tomorrow morning!).
I agree with those who say to go to work and be the grown up about this. Brooding at home will make you more unhappy I think.

As to what to do with your husband, well, you need to tell him straight out and very calmly what the problem is. If the language you use is not emotive but clear and plain, it might be easier to see properly what his reaction is. If he is sorry and goes some way to agreeing that talking about you behind your back with A is not appropriate then you might be able to think better of him.

But if he continues to be overly defensive and sticks up for her too much, then you may have a bigger problem.

He has been very disrespectful and if he can't see that, then he sounds like a poor quality partner, I'm sorry to say.

As for A, just ignore her. I don't think she's necessarily got any romantic feelings for your husband but I bet she likes the control and being in the middle of your marriage (which is not a place for anyone but you and your husband.

When I met my DH, he was friends with a woman who was used to having him around, visiting when it suited her, on the phone etc. I told him I thought she was a bit presumptuous now that he had met someone and had less free time for her and he got the message pretty sharpish. For me, his reaction was important. If he hadn't adjusted the situation to a way that I thought appropriate, I think I would have ditched him.

Cravey · 08/09/2013 23:00

I think op that you need to have a calm chat with your partner and tell him enough is enough. He needs to sort his priorities out and put you first. It doesn't matter what was said the point was he has no right to be discussing you with a friend in that way. It was nasty and undermining. If it was my husband he would be sleeping elsewhere tonight. I also wouldn't care what the so called friend said to me it's all about the partner letting you down.

sunshine401 · 08/09/2013 23:03

To me "A" seems very insecure of herself and through her actions it would seem she is jealous about something to do with you and your DP.

Anyway she is best being dismissed altogether now. She has done a horrible, nasty thing and no "Friend" would ever speak that way about a "Friends" other half. Your DP should not of responded the way he did however he now knows how much it has hurt you and should agree that this "A" person is no longer a friend that your family needs in your life. Get rid and move on Brew

pigletmania · 08/09/2013 23:04

I agree Kali they were not concerned but were having a right laugh. A size 14 is not big at all

ShakeAndVac · 08/09/2013 23:19

Another one who thinks your "friend" is an absolute cowbag and no friend of yours at all.
I do think so that you shouldn't be too hard on your DH, as it does sound like he was put on the spot a bit and a bit Shock and unsure of what to say.
I'm a people pleaser. I'm a bit like that, in which I don't want to say anything that might be construed as horrible even if the person I'm texting with is the Bitch Queen from hell
So I can see where he's coming from.
SHE is the one who initiated the conversation. Tried to lure a bitchy response out of your DH.
She's an utter, utter bitch if she said that, and not a very nice friend to have. If she was so concerned about your weight, she'd have said it to your face not gone making jokes about it to your DH behind your back. Angry

kali110 · 08/09/2013 23:20

Nope im a 14 so dont think its big

LuckyToHaveYouAll · 08/09/2013 23:25

I think what is so horrible about this is that it's a double whammy of two people you ovbiousky love and trust both betraying you at once. I don't blame you for wanting to hold your baby DD as close to you as possible right now, I think I would feel the same. But as others have said, maybe some time away at work would do wonders to clear your head.

And if 'D'P doesn't see the big deal in discussing such matters in this manner, then maybe a good bitchy discussion by email with another of your male mutual friends about his penis size or technique with him 'accidentally' copied in, might just give him some perspective Wink. Of course you would only be asking out of concern and wanting said friend to offer stealth advice on how to improve Grin.

Topseyt · 08/09/2013 23:35

I hate people who just think that it is OK to comment on other people's weight like this.

Size 14 is not too big in my book. I have serious weight issues brought about by an underlying medical problem, and I just cannot get a proper handle on them. Would that I could ever get down to a size 14, but it doesn't look like happening anytime soon.

Your "friend" is being rather bitchy, and I am gobsmacked that your partner does not see the issue with regard to discussing you in this way behind your back. It is a betrayal of trust as much as anything.

ToffeeCaramel · 08/09/2013 23:40

I'm really cross with your dh OP for siding with A instead of defending you. Where is the loyalty? I hope he apologises to you and tells A to back off. I agree that you should refuse to respond to A. Don't give her the pleasure of being involved in you and your dh sorting this out. You did nothing wrong by reading the texts. I don't believe anyone who says they wouldn't read a text with their name in sent to their husband.

MikeOxard · 08/09/2013 23:41

Hmm, i wonder where the idea of him sleeping in the other room came from - A, perhaps?

I would have a serious talk with your H. He has some boundary issues and obviously can't tell what kind of communication is appropriate. I would ask to go through his texts with A, so that you can explain what your issues are with what he is saying to her. If he refuses or has deleted further texts, I think the problem is a lot worse than it first seemed.

Long term, you can't continue a relationship with someone who will undermine you like this. Realistically, H will have to take sides and choose you or her. Refusing to choose you is effectively choosing her.

Bogeyface · 08/09/2013 23:42

I forget how sensitive you are some times lol!

I think that you should reply saying "Well I didnt know how much of a bitch you are. Clearly this has been a learning curve for both of us. Do not contact me again."

Bogeyface · 08/09/2013 23:45

And yes, draw a line in the sand. I dont say this normally but this is a definite "me or her" situation. If he pisses about and kicks off then he is choosing her, which is where you choose to kick his sorry ass to the kerb.

I dont think that he thinks of her in a romantic way but she does of him. This woman is a predatory threat to your marriage and the ball is in his court now. Make it clear what he stands to lose if he chooses her, and that him continuing the "friendship" behind your back will also mean the end of your marriage.

Famzilla · 08/09/2013 23:46

Wow, what a bitch. With friends like that..

namechangesforthehardstuff · 09/09/2013 00:01

What Bogeyface said. Talk about fucking gaslighting... 'lol'? In a text like that.? Do me a favour.

RayDonovan · 09/09/2013 00:08

I also like what Bogeyface said - direct and concise.

ShakeAndVac · 09/09/2013 00:10

"Hey babybunny I am SO SO sorry about the way those messages came across!! It was honestly just a bit of banter between DP and me didn't mean to hurt you!! I forget how sensitive you are some times lol!! You know you're my girl and I love you like crazy don't you?? Xxxxxxx"

sorry, the thread is long and I'm just getting chance to work my way through it.
Trying to turn it round on you and the fact that "you're just so sensitive" lol is just as horrible and she's really not redeeming herself, is she?!
Seriously. I stand by my original post in that she's a 'mare of the highest order.
You have every right to be upset.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 09/09/2013 00:12

The 'you're my girl' but disturbs me. You're not her girl - you are your own person in a -supposedly equal- relationship with your dp. I'm not sure either of them see you as an equal.

I would ask you now, considering your updates, how he treats you in the rest of your relationship? Does he treat you and your opinions with respect, or does he easily dismiss you? Obviously, you have an 18mth old dd and so are heavily invested in the relationship, but it is concerning how he collaborated with this friend about comments on your weight, and the texts afterwards, rather than firmly coming out in support of you.

I agree with the other comments that you must remain calm and rational, glacial even, and if you can, go into work tomorrow. The texts between your dp and 'A' were not appropriate or loyal to you.

BlingBang · 09/09/2013 00:41

Wish everyone would stop winding the OP up and telling her how she should feel and what she should do and adding fuel to the fire when they don't actually have to deal with this and any fallout. This has all got way out of hand with the witch hunt and hints that they are having an affair etc. Think it has actually made matters worse fr the OP. Do you really think all this self righteous screeching has helped the OP.

You are all enjoying this too much and getting some entertainment/thrill -whatever out of it (few posters have been a bit calmer and rational).

CharityFunDay · 09/09/2013 00:49

Hear, hear blingbang although I doubt you'll get many bouquets for saying so. T

ShakeAndVac · 09/09/2013 00:57

and hints that they are having an affair etc.

Where has anyone done that? Genuine question.

Bogeyface · 09/09/2013 01:29

Blingblang

What about the fact the "friend" is blaming the OP? "I forget how sensitive you are" is saying "its not my fault you are pissed off about what I said, but yours!" In a LTR that would be labelled as gaslighting and EA.

I dont think there is an affair here, but I do think that the "friend" has an agenda.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 09/09/2013 01:49

Yes BlingBlang you are right.

We should all be telling her that he's right, she is over sensitive and it was all just a bit of a laugh.

Hmm

FGS.

Mimishimi · 09/09/2013 02:11

Eretrew, I think the OP knows that they are aware of her weight gain. I think the issue is that her DH did not defend her or tell A that it really isn't any of her business.

I was a 14 for about 2 years after the birth of each child. At only 5'4" I did feel it was quite big and felt miserable about it. DH helped by taking care of kids so I could exercise, buying jogging stroller etc, not joking about me going apeshit and guaranteed to devour pies if he broached it wirh me in texts with mutual friends.

OP, I think you should have an honest discussion with your DH about you both feel about your weight and what steps you can both take to resolve that. Emphasise that you are not upset with him for feeling you have gained a fair bit of weight, you are upset that he did not defend you and allowed the convo to continue. The minute she made the snide remark about getting you to like salads he should have told her it's not appropriate.

BigBoobiedBertha · 09/09/2013 04:54

Chipping, that is not what Blingblang is saying at all. She is saying the same as I was just about to say - that this thread is probably making an even bigger issue out of this than it would have been. I can't help wondering how this thread is helping the OP now because with 650 odd people being equally horrified by her DP's disloyalty and A's shitty behaviour, the OP isn't being allowed come to terms with what happened and think for herself what she wants to do. We are all making a bit if a drama out if a crisis. Thankfully the OP seems to be getting on with real life and hopefully she is asleep, but she is going to get angry and upset all over again when she reads this lot. I know I would.

I know everybody wants to be supportive and we all agreed the OP has been badly treated but this thread seems to be escalating the issue into something that could end the OP's relationship. Is that entirely justified? I am not sure that it is. Sure there needs to be some serious discussion, an apology from DP and some new boundaries for the place, if any, A has in the OP's life. But on its own, if the relationship with her DP is otherwise good, this isn't enough to start talking about chucking him out, even temporarily. I also think taking a day off work would make things worse rather than better and would fan the flames and not calm things down. Besides, I don't think A should be allowed to have that much influnce. She isn't worth it.