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AIBU?

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Original poster

So upset. DP and best friend have been having a little "chat" about me.

999 replies

Babybunny88 · 08/09/2013 16:06

Before my friend "A" and I met she had been friends with my DP for years. DP and I were both mutual friends with A. That is how we met, she thought we would be a good match and introduced us 7 years ago. Fantastic.

Obviously because they have been friends for so long they occasionally text which doesn't bother me in the slightest, I know they don't have any romantically inclined feelings for each other. He has often said she is like a sister to him.

Anyway, I was playing a game on DPs iPhone while he pops round to his dbs house and a message from A popped up. I accidentally pressed it (really was an accident, as I was playing the game and hit the notice), and saw my name mentioned in the text so couldn't help reading it.

It said " Lol! do you want me talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it."

Anybody seeing that message would feel inclined to read previous messages, wouldn't they? So I scrolled up and saw that supposed best friend and "d"p were talking about how much weight ive apparently gained. This is word for word how the text convo went:

A: hey, thanks for coming over last night. DH and I enjoyed seeing you both and your DD has got so big!! (We went to theirs for dinner last night)

DP: babybunny and I had a nice night as well. You cook a mean curry!

A: haha I know everybody loves my curries! Maybe though a salad would have been more healthier lol!!

DP: Ahh but who wants a salad on a Saturday night? Curry goes better with Beer! Babybunny doesn't like salads anyway.

A: yes I know... Maybe we should try to get her to like them though..before she puts on any more weight...lol...

DP: yeah maybe. ( I suspect DP didn't know what to say at this point)

A: you know I love her like crazy, but she seems to have put on a bit of weight.. Not good for her health!!

DP: Yea its been since DD was born. Do you have any suggestions? I've noticed this too but for obvious reasons can't say anything.

A: tell her to put down the pies lol!! Just joking! Talk to her about it if it were me I would like DH to tell me!

DP: are you joking? She will go apeshit. Definitely not guareenteed to put down the pies then!

A: Lol! do you want me to talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it.

I am sitting here half devastated half furious! I can't believe the two of them have discussed this! Ok fair enough it wasn't for my eyes and they are probably worrying about my health but I am so upset and don't know what to say to DP when he gets back. Do i say anything to A? i already have self esteem issues and this has made me feel total and utter shit.i didn't think I was that fat. And they are both wrong, I do infact like salads!

Help? :(

OP posts:
Dackyduddles · 08/09/2013 20:50

Hey sweet, I'm so sorry. Take tonight. Let things calm a little. Sometimes you need to wait before making a move to check what's happening. Rushing anything won't help in long run.

A is trouble. Be careful. DP seems to love you but is conflicted. It's not over IMO just hiatus for now.

Sleep tight tonight. Start again tomoz. Best wishes x

acer12 · 08/09/2013 20:51

Ah poor op Flowers and hugs!!

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 08/09/2013 20:52

You are perfectly entitled to call in sick tomorrow, going into work as normal would be very hard.
I think either you and DP need to have a serious conversation or you need to ask him to leave for a few days and then have that conversation.
Given how quickly this has come upon you with no prior indication I would say go for the latter. But ultimately just do what you feel.

GroupieGirl · 08/09/2013 20:52

I haven't posted earlier on this thread as I had nothing to add to the wise words of other posters, however, I think there is nothing wrong with taking a day off tomorrow. I know that in your shoes I probably wouldn't be much use anyway!

Relax, spend some time with your daughter, and hopefully you and your husband can talk and figure things out.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 08/09/2013 20:53

One other option.....

What is the one thing that your dh is most sensitive about? His real weak point.

Write a text saying "hey - bit drunk and for some reason feel the need to share that dh's willy is....." [insert the relavent facts here].

Address the text to a bloke your dh has always been jealous of. Don't send. Take the phone to your dh and tell him you've written some banter and he can delete or send - which would he prefer? Tell him if he sends then it will show that he can take it as well as dish it out. Otherwise he can't and he needs to think about why that is.

SomethingOnce · 08/09/2013 20:56

A was a good friend, yes a little kooky and loud, but never bitchy. At least not to my face. Perhaps she really has been bitching behind my back to DP all these years and I just never "caught her out" before. What a fool I am

My last post on this, to say maybe you're not and maybe she hasn't.

I'm sure you'll feel better in the morning. I'd advise not to call in sick as you risk making this feel like a way bigger deal than it needs to be and you'll probably sit around feeling worse and worse.

I hope everything resolves in as low key a way as possible and, like I said before, think carefully before cutting decent long-term relationships - they're not easily replaceable.

acer12 · 08/09/2013 20:56

Maybe dp knows he has been a top twat and is going down the totally deny route rather than facing up to it. My dh did that a couple of times when we first got together. The stand off is so oppressive. Sad

poorbuthappy · 08/09/2013 20:57

This is scarily familiar to me.
Every time me and ex would argue about the other woman, he would go straight to her and tell her what had happened. She would then turn up and I would be manipulated by both of them and feel like I was losing the plot.

The turning point for me was when a brick was thrown through our living room window (random attack), I was in the firing line so to speak, she was sat the other side of the room far away from flying glass.
Guess which person he went to first to check they were ok?

He either has no clue, in which case educate him now, and he will learn and be grateful he has learnt.

Or you are being seriously played and need to think about where you figure in terms of priorities.

CSIJanner · 08/09/2013 20:58

Sorry OP, but I can just see your "DP" texting A saying you're hysterical and clearly have a sense of humour failure so not to come around. I really hope he doesn't. I hope he grows some balls and realises what a twunt he's been, but his reactions, indifference and lack of loyalty to you does make me think the worst of him.

I hope you and DD can get some rest tonight. As as quoteunquote said, do not let them hoodwink you int thinking you're hysterical. Both were out of line and from his cant give a fuck attitude and her simpering love you text, they can both take their heads for shits.

Just think - if you accept their crap excuses, they'll only do it again and again. Draw the line. And drop A. Send her a "you're dumped as youre a crap friend" note attached to a frozen fish pie.

BOF · 08/09/2013 21:00

I'd try to go into work too, to be honest. You need to do your best to calm down so you can convey to your husband exactly what the issue is, as he seems to be too bone-headed to work it out for himself.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 08/09/2013 21:00

OP, will your work be difficult about you ringing in sick? Mine would be as I have a bad sickness record, so if this is the case then I wouldn't. Leave your bloody DH to stew! I hope DD runs him ragged.

Bloody arsehole. Best of luck - hope he comes to his senses and apologises profusely.

Hullygully · 08/09/2013 21:02

yes go to work

you have to be adult

they are being children and if you don't be adult, they will think you the same as them and just needing to be won round from your "emotional" state.

you need to make dh realise that this is a serious matter and that grown ups do not behave like this.

SomethingOnce · 08/09/2013 21:04

Oh ffs, CSIJanner, how on earth is it helpful to say but I can just see your "DP" texting A saying you're hysterical and clearly have a sense of humour failure so not to come around.

Do you know the OP and her DH? If you want to stoke the fire, at least do it based on information about something that OP says has happened and not your imagination.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 08/09/2013 21:07

I would have told her that if she turned up I would call the police and them she is harassing me (I wouldn't as I think that would be a waste of police time, but I'd tell her that).

I bet the two of them are feeding off each other over this :(

How will work be if you take the day off?

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 08/09/2013 21:08

I agree with going to work. I think some time away from your DP which allows him to wonder what you will do next is going to be most helpful. Save your days off.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 08/09/2013 21:08

Agree with Hully.

Hope you feel tomorrow OP but dont let these 2 dipshits affect you this much. Show them you are bigger (no pun intended!) and better than they will ever be.

MadAboutHotChoc · 08/09/2013 21:10

Your DH has crap boundaries and this which seriously needs addressing good link

As for A - she's not a friend of the marriage and you would be better off ditching her.

nilbyname · 08/09/2013 21:12

Yes, go to work tomorrow, be the adult !

olidusUrsus · 08/09/2013 21:13

Horrible Sad often really nasty pieces of work chuck it down to joking and God, can't you take a joke.

I don't think your DP came across too badly in the original messages but by crap has he blown that opinion of mine out the water, what a jerk.

If it's any comfort at all to you, know that he is in a sulk and that she is panicking because they know they weren't joking and they know they've been dickheads.

Let him wallow. He can come back to you and apologise.
Go into work, have some breathing space away from him, get yourself a nice lunch and squeeze your DD to bits when you get home.

Flowers
Longtalljosie · 08/09/2013 21:14

Look - settle your DD, and go in and talk to your DP. Spending the night apart isn't going to solve anything. You and he have a child together and at some point you're going to have to have a conversation.

Plus A will be stirring for all she's worth, she is in a very tricky position here and she knows it.

Speak your truth - that you believe you are not over-reacting - that friends don't text their friends' partners and take the piss out of their baby weight gain - that it's not banter and you don't view A as a friend any more. And that's nobody's fault but A's. Ask how he'd feel if he walked into a pub and found a so-called friend telling someone whose opinion he valued that DP was shit in bed / bad at his job / a useless tosser / whatever you think would push his buttons. Say you appreciate it's inconvenient but also point out this is A's doing, shooting the messenger will accomplish nothing - and you are the mother of his child. And just because you've had his child doesn't mean he can now take you for granted.

cees · 08/09/2013 21:14

Ah I feel so sorry for you Babybunny, what a pair of rotten shits they are. Cuddle your lovely daughter tonight. If the bitch calls round tell her to bugger off and take your pathetic husband with her, pair of arseholes.

Therealamandaclarke · 08/09/2013 21:15

babybunny you are a goddess! You have handled this with dignity.
Don't engage with her.
This is between you and your DP.
I'd be tempted to call in sick too Blush
Snuggle your scummy DD. Brew

HowlerMonkey · 08/09/2013 21:16

TBH op, I think if you take the day off then you'll end up stewing in the same emotional state you're in now and won't feel any calmer. Also, your DP will probably tell her and she might make an effort to 'pop round now you've calmed down'. Which, given that you'd probably be in an even worse emotional state, would just be horrible.

I am obviously projecting madly here but I think that's how I'd feel. Best for you to go to work, get some distance from the situation, maybe mention this unpleasant 'friend' who made a comment to your DP (give no more info than the initial comment) to a colleague and take heart from their real-life indignation and sympathy.

I think that hypothetical interaction might help you to approach the situation in more of a 'I am cold, controlled, totally in the right and totally fucked off' way. It gives more of a message that you are properly, calmly upset. People take that sort of behaviour more seriously IME. Tears often get dismissed because, sadly, they are produced by the genuinely-sad and the falsely-controlling alike.

I hope you're feeling a bit less sad and a lot more plain old hacked-off. It is not you, it's them. UnMNetty hugs xx

Dobbiesmum · 08/09/2013 21:18

Agreeing with Hully. Especially the bit about being an adult. You have to stay calm, at least on the outside to deal with this effectively. DD will be fine with her Dad and you need the day away from the whole sorry episode. Try not to phone/text/email him during the day, stay busy , keep your head and deal with him first. She can wait until you're ready.
They think you're over sensitive and the rest of that guff? Show them otherwise. Deal with the facts. Calmly and coldly.

whatever5 · 08/09/2013 21:18

I think that people are being a bit over the top. A is certainly a bitch and probably jealous of OP but there is no reason to think that there is anything going on between them.

I hope you feel better tomorrow OP.