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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So upset. DP and best friend have been having a little "chat" about me.

999 replies

Babybunny88 · 08/09/2013 16:06

Before my friend "A" and I met she had been friends with my DP for years. DP and I were both mutual friends with A. That is how we met, she thought we would be a good match and introduced us 7 years ago. Fantastic.

Obviously because they have been friends for so long they occasionally text which doesn't bother me in the slightest, I know they don't have any romantically inclined feelings for each other. He has often said she is like a sister to him.

Anyway, I was playing a game on DPs iPhone while he pops round to his dbs house and a message from A popped up. I accidentally pressed it (really was an accident, as I was playing the game and hit the notice), and saw my name mentioned in the text so couldn't help reading it.

It said " Lol! do you want me talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it."

Anybody seeing that message would feel inclined to read previous messages, wouldn't they? So I scrolled up and saw that supposed best friend and "d"p were talking about how much weight ive apparently gained. This is word for word how the text convo went:

A: hey, thanks for coming over last night. DH and I enjoyed seeing you both and your DD has got so big!! (We went to theirs for dinner last night)

DP: babybunny and I had a nice night as well. You cook a mean curry!

A: haha I know everybody loves my curries! Maybe though a salad would have been more healthier lol!!

DP: Ahh but who wants a salad on a Saturday night? Curry goes better with Beer! Babybunny doesn't like salads anyway.

A: yes I know... Maybe we should try to get her to like them though..before she puts on any more weight...lol...

DP: yeah maybe. ( I suspect DP didn't know what to say at this point)

A: you know I love her like crazy, but she seems to have put on a bit of weight.. Not good for her health!!

DP: Yea its been since DD was born. Do you have any suggestions? I've noticed this too but for obvious reasons can't say anything.

A: tell her to put down the pies lol!! Just joking! Talk to her about it if it were me I would like DH to tell me!

DP: are you joking? She will go apeshit. Definitely not guareenteed to put down the pies then!

A: Lol! do you want me to talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it.

I am sitting here half devastated half furious! I can't believe the two of them have discussed this! Ok fair enough it wasn't for my eyes and they are probably worrying about my health but I am so upset and don't know what to say to DP when he gets back. Do i say anything to A? i already have self esteem issues and this has made me feel total and utter shit.i didn't think I was that fat. And they are both wrong, I do infact like salads!

Help? :(

OP posts:
SubliminalMassaging · 08/09/2013 20:20

Er...your 'friend' Hmm is being a manipulative bitch and your DH is trying to laugh it off and skirt around it when what he should be doing is saying 'Mind your own business and leave her alone. but I realise that sometimes we don't always say what we want to say in these circumstances.

Don't blame him, blame her.

geekgal · 08/09/2013 20:21

Like a few have said on here, best to remain calm because they'll both use tears or shouting against you and call you hysterical or something equally misogynistic - if you are feeling too angry or upset to engage with them right now then don't. You're the one who's in the right so you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Cuddle your little girl, read a book or watch some tv then have a sleep and deal with the bastards tomorrow - let them stew!

mrstigs · 08/09/2013 20:25

Hope you calm down and feel better soon op. I totally understand why you are angry with them, but you can't sort anything when you are angry and upset. Focus on the fabulous job you are doing with dd atm, and deal with them tomorrow when you feel better. Its not worth any more of your headspace today.

RubyGoat · 08/09/2013 20:26

Hope you are ok OP & she hasn't turned up hammering on your door.

Stay polite but distant. Keep the moral highground & they can't blame you for anything.

SybilRamkin · 08/09/2013 20:27

What Quint said. He's a fucking disgrace - my DH reckons he's due a smacking for saying something like that, and I agree.

Twinkletoes77 · 08/09/2013 20:27

What an absolute WENCH. I feel so angry for you.

That said, if you can, try to turn off your phone and go to sleep soonish. The way will be clearer in the morning. Do not under any circumstances compromise your dignity. You are the only one who has acted like a grown up here. Keep it that way.

mrstigs · 08/09/2013 20:29

Oops missed a page and now see im repeating a suggestion already made sorry.

2rebecca · 08/09/2013 20:30

Agree with others that your husband has been disloyal. He should have been apologising and supporting you over this not sending sneaky texts to A. A sounds like a manipulative bully. She's made it all be about her and her upset and threatening to come round and sort things out if you don't reply to her text is really bullying and unpleasant.
Sorry they have both behaved so badly, hope your husband realises he has made things worse by contacting A and that he stops contacting her and realises how much HIS behaviour has upset you..

Chiggers · 08/09/2013 20:32

If she comes round and wants to talk, you could tell her that you have nothing to say to her and that the friendship is over. Close the door and go do something more worthwhile such as playing with your DD/taking her out for a walk or some other nice thing to do. Waste no more time on this woman.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 08/09/2013 20:33

Btw A friend of mine has gained weight going from a 10 to a 14. I have known her husband a long time and we are all really close. I just can't imagine talking to him about her weight. I have occassionally talked to her about it - basically reassuring her that she is still gorgeous (which she is!) when she mentions her weight.

PeppermintCreamsSaga · 08/09/2013 20:35

Lots of wise words here. You definitely need to calm down and maybe sleep on it before making any decisions like throwing his phone out the window.

2rebecca · 08/09/2013 20:38

I gained some weight a month or so ago, as did my husband. We were both developing beer bellies. We discussed this ourselves though and have since upped our cycling and are losing weight. I'd have hated it if he'd discussed my weight with someone else though in this sort of snide manner.
Weight is important as both of us prefer each other slim. This should be something you can discuss together though.

aintnothinbutagstring · 08/09/2013 20:38

She's a nasty piece of work, if it was me, I'd text her and tell her if she comes round I'd twat her one, but you're probably a better woman than me!

She's a bully, don't engage, it'll drive her up the wall, they know they've done wrong and are clutching at straws. Say your piece and go to bed with dd, leave them to their childish 'banter'.

Or even better, invite her round one night to kiss and make up, for starters, serve your dh and A a nice salad dressed in piss, followed by a dogfood pie.

nilbyname · 08/09/2013 20:38

op I totally agree that your dh and friend have been totally out of order, and her text "apology" was no apology at all.

But.....she is obviously mortified and realising that she is in deep shit, so please read them the riot act, and correct the dynamics, but there is history there for all of you, and it might be better to try and work things out?

SinisterSal · 08/09/2013 20:39

I think it would be best if you tried to engage with nobody this evening and just concentrate on your little girl.

tell DP you have on e request; that he send A away this evening and not to be in contact with her.
Forget her then, try to think of it this way 'I can accept her apology any old time, she's the least of my worries right now'
And maybe don't have it out with DP tonight. When things are calmer and more considered you can talk to him.

Becuase silly old jibes about your (perfectly reasonable weight) is just playground stuff.
The dynamics between them are the problem, and you will need to think it through before tackling this issue.

Also, this is you, don't be bounced into a big row tonight if it's not what you want. you can call the shots tonight.

quoteunquote · 08/09/2013 20:40

I hope you and DD get some rest tonight,

and don'y let them hoodwink you into believing this was a harmless banter.

josiejay · 08/09/2013 20:41

Just reread the OP and it's pissed me off yet more. In comparison to all the other cowbag twatishness it's very minor, but when someone says they enjoyed a meal you've cooked, who the hell responds with 'ha ha yes everyone loves my curries'. The normal response is 'oh thanks, really glad you enjoyed' or something.

She is fucking in LOVE with herself.

kitbit · 08/09/2013 20:42

This is for your dh to sort out. Apologies are due and not 'I'm sorry you're upset' but 'i'm sorry for what I did'.

What dress size is she, out of interest?

By the way, all this hysterical 'leave the bastard' pitchfork stuff....calm down everyone. Yes she's been a bitch, yes he is being crap, but this is redeemable if dh does the right thing now.

Original poster
Babybunny88 · 08/09/2013 20:43

Thanks so much for all the support everyone I am truly thankful Thanks. DP and A have always had a close relationship and I was fine with it, never felt threatened in any way. A was a good friend, yes a little kooky and loud, but never bitchy. At least not to my face. Perhaps she really has been bitching behind my back to DP all these years and I just never "caught her out" before. What a fool I am :(

Just heard DP vacate to the spare room without even trying to communicate with me. Me and dd are in bed watching 101 Dalmatians, her with some milk and me a cup of tea. Really feel like calling in sick to work tomorrow. DP is a SAHD and, of course I know he would never do anything to harm dd, I just want her to be near me :(

OP posts:
Feelingfatty · 08/09/2013 20:47

Try to get some rest I'm sure you'll work it out with dh in the morning and he'll realise what he's done xx

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 08/09/2013 20:47

Don't feel you have to rush into anything. That's why A wants to come round: she wants to pressure you into smoothing things over before you've really had chance to think. Just stay silent if you're in any doubt. You can say to your DP that you are thinking about your future and you are not discussing it any further till you're ready.

What is A's husband like, I'd be interested to know? And did they get together before you and your DP did?

therumoursaretrue · 08/09/2013 20:47

The friend is a bitch-faced cunt with control issues. Who does she actually think she is saying she is coming over if you don't answer her!? She sounds actually a lot like someone I know who I cut right out...best decision ever.

Your P seriously needs to sort himself out, he should absolutely be picking your side and telling her to get to fuck! You and DD should be his only priority when it comes to his loyalties and he has made a bad situation so much worse by his poor reaction!

So angry on your behalf OP, I never swear like this, that's how angry I am!! Sorry you are having to put up with this and that their reactions have been so poor. Hope you are ok xxx

Vivacia · 08/09/2013 20:49

Keep the day off as an option and see how you feel in the morning.

Olbasoil · 08/09/2013 20:49

Under the circumstances I think calling in sick would be a sensible thing to do. You are understandably far to upset to go into work and your mind wouldn't be on your job. Try and get some sleep.

KatieScarlett2833 · 08/09/2013 20:49

Some thinking time for DH is probably a very good idea. And if you need tomorrow off, take it. I hope you get some rest tonight and have a much better day tomorrow.