So upset. DP and best friend have been having a little "chat" about me.

[Babybunny88]

Before my friend "A" and I met she had been friends with my DP for years. DP and I were both mutual friends with A. That is how we met, she thought we would be a good match and introduced us 7 years ago. Fantastic.

Obviously because they have been friends for so long they occasionally text which doesn't bother me in the slightest, I know they don't have any romantically inclined feelings for each other. He has often said she is like a sister to him.

Anyway, I was playing a game on DPs iPhone while he pops round to his dbs house and a message from A popped up. I accidentally pressed it (really was an accident, as I was playing the game and hit the notice), and saw my name mentioned in the text so couldn't help reading it.

It said " Lol! do you want me talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it."

Anybody seeing that message would feel inclined to read previous messages, wouldn't they? So I scrolled up and saw that supposed best friend and "d"p were talking about how much weight ive apparently gained. This is word for word how the text convo went:

A: hey, thanks for coming over last night. DH and I enjoyed seeing you both and your DD has got so big!! (We went to theirs for dinner last night)

DP: babybunny and I had a nice night as well. You cook a mean curry!

A: haha I know everybody loves my curries! Maybe though a salad would have been more healthier lol!!

DP: Ahh but who wants a salad on a Saturday night? Curry goes better with Beer! Babybunny doesn't like salads anyway.

A: yes I know... Maybe we should try to get her to like them though..before she puts on any more weight...lol...

DP: yeah maybe. ( I suspect DP didn't know what to say at this point)

A: you know I love her like crazy, but she seems to have put on a bit of weight.. Not good for her health!!

DP: Yea its been since DD was born. Do you have any suggestions? I've noticed this too but for obvious reasons can't say anything.

A: tell her to put down the pies lol!! Just joking! Talk to her about it if it were me I would like DH to tell me!

DP: are you joking? She will go apeshit. Definitely not guareenteed to put down the pies then!

A: Lol! do you want me to talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it.

I am sitting here half devastated half furious! I can't believe the two of them have discussed this! Ok fair enough it wasn't for my eyes and they are probably worrying about my health but I am so upset and don't know what to say to DP when he gets back. Do i say anything to A? i already have self esteem issues and this has made me feel total and utter shit.i didn't think I was that fat. And they are both wrong, I do infact like salads!

Help? :(

Babybunny, I'm so very sorry this has happened. I really feel for you.

Something practical for you - If your DD won't settle (and you are right, she will be distressed if you are) something that always worked for me was to sing. Just nursery rhymes, or whatever song you can remember the words to. It will calm your own breathing and heart rate, and as a result, DDs too. Please try it, I hope it helps (and there is nothing better than snuggling up to your gorgeous girl to sleep - SHE doesn't care if you are a size 6, 14 or bloody 32. She just loves you.

Cheeky bitch. Get rid. Can't stand it when some women just don't know how to be a friend to other women. She doesn't respect you & is disloyal too.

I feel she wants your DP to admire her somehow, & she also takes pleasure in putting you down. There's some envy of you/your relationship going on, so alls not rosy in her garden. She'd be best off taking her nose out of your business and attending to her own. Bet if her OH knew about this situation he'd find it inappropriate too.

You don't need a bitch like that around you.

To be honest now I'd be telling him "no, I don't want to fucking sort it. What she said to you and you responded means as far as I'm concerned the friendship is over. What you you do now and how you talk to me will pretty much decide whether we're over too or have something to salvage so start thinking before you say crap to me like "oh you don't want to sort it" and "it was just banter" etc. I will not brush this under the carpet and I fucking won't be allowing to you either. As far as that manipulative bitch goes - and she fucking is and if you can't see it you're a twat - she's out of the equation. i don't want anything more to do with her." That's what I'd say. What a bastard.

The thing is, everyone has been bitched about or made a bitchy comment behind someone's back. It is the way of the world and whilst unpleasant it is something that as grown ups, i we fond out we deal with by either living with it or deciding we dot want to continue the friendship

The problem here is that
A) the guilty parties are trying to justify their behaviour when a grovelling apology would have sorte it out much quicker
B) it isn't on for a partner to engage in this sort of bitching. My dh tells me these things to my face and wouldn't engage with others (and me him). I couldn't care less if my mum or sister made comments behind my back but I trust my dh to be honest with me and to be on my side.

I think everyone needs to cool down. Miss a should step away until you decide you are calm enough to talk with her and you know what outcome you would like. In the meantime deal with your dp. Remember that this isn't about her - it is about him. The defending her part is him defending himself and deflecting.

So sorry OP you sound like a nice person and you've been lumbered with these two! I agree with the others who've said that your DP's relationship with the big moo cow sounds a bit too close, and with his nasty little responses backing her up I have to ask, do you really think he's worth it? You sound so much, well, better than him...

I'd be showing dh this thread, and telling him he either shows you more respect and support or you'll have to seriously think about whether you want to remain in the marriage.
As for your 'friend', I'd be telling her you don't want to speak to her at all. Ever.
I'm so sorry, op.

Text to A "I am busy caring for my child at the moment. Please stop harassing me."

Message for your dh. "I do not wish to "sort it out". I have no desire to ever have any contact with A ever again. My only decision is how I see my future with you."

I would be ignoring her. This isn't about her. It's between your husband and you. But I'd be making tonight about me and my daughter.

She's not invited. Who the fuck is she to tell you that she's going to come round your house, when you clearly don't want to engage with her. Don't reply. If she comes round, tell DP you don't want her in your house, if he lets her in, then tell her 'please leave right now, you aren't welcome in my house, I don't want you here and I'm not going to talk about it, LEAVE.

Don't let her chase you out of your house or into your bedroom/bathroom.

They both sound as bad as each other. He should be boldly grovelling to you. His attitude stinks nevermind As. You are now getting to know the real him. He should have defended you from the outset,

I don't think you need to talk to him later. a very sharp 'I will not talk to either of you until you are going to give me a genuine apology that does not involve making your appealing behaviour my fault'

I don't think you need to talk to him later. a very sharp 'I will not talk to either of you until you are going to give me a genuine apology that does not involve making your appealing behaviour my fault'

They are both blaming you, and making out its your fault. Not on ip, your p is a right bastard!

He is sounding worse and worse as the thread goes on.

Redeeming qualities?

*appalling

I would text A and say "DP has probably already told you this, but we would prefer you not to come round. We are having a discussion as a couple."

I suspect (if your DP is anything like mine) that your DP has decided you are hysterical and will not engage you until he considers you have calmed down. Get your DD off to sleep and think about how you can get your point across calmly.

Keep it factual, you weren't going through his phone and you never have before but the text flashed up and you saw your name. You feel very hurt by the unkind comments from two people you love and trust. You feel even more hurt by your partner being unable to see this and you feel betrayed by him texting A back when he should have been trying to make amends with you.

Don't show him this thread, don't issue ultimatums and don't either of them convince you that a bit of banter is harmless fun.

I'd still counsel caution.

Feelings have undoubtedly been hurt but I maintain that, since none of us are actually in these people's real lives and relationships, there's a risk of projecting and winding OP up into a worse state than is proportionate to the issue.

Good advice from QuickQuick

eatriskierSun 08-Sep-13 20:11:27

I don't think you need to talk to him later. a very sharp 'I will not talk to either of you until you are going to give me a genuine apology that does not involve making your appealing behaviour my fault'

Ooh yes this ^

Wow, that woman is a total bitch. I would not be able to continue a friendship with someone who has such blatant disregard for your feelings. The way she is behaving is as if her relationship with your dp is more important than yours -total lack of respect for you. Your dp needs a lesson in boundaries. He is supposed to be your supporter, not joining in horrible 'banter' so he and his silly friend can have a laugh at your expense. Imagine if he said these things about your daughter! He is an insensitive prick who thinks he can go around damaging people's self esteem.

Calm down tonight and have some serious words tomorrow.

They are both behaving appallingly.
I cant believe they are both turning it on you, saying you are insensitive.

And your dp is a disgrace. Defending her.

So sorry op. She sounds controlling and a bully. Calling you "my girl" like you're a child? Sounds like she thinks she's better than you. She is not a friend of yours thats for sure. She's trying to make it seem like she's the "victim" in all this, that it's you who's unreasonable. You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologise for. Their response to your upset is basically what abusive twats do to their partners. Your DH is a twat and it sounds like she's been manipulating him since they were 13.

She is an out and out bitch. I am going to add a theory here but is it possible that she 'likes' your DH. I cannot see any other reason for her to undermine you. I would never even think about my friend's weight, unless it was seriously out of control and of genuine concern which size 14 is not. So I would not think to mention it to anyone especially it their DP. She started a bitchy chat with your husband to undermine you. Now she sees her relationship with you deteriorating and she knows this is likely to impact the relationship between her and your DP and she is panicking to try to rectify it. If it were me I would be telling her to 'F' off that you do not need friends like her and move on. As for your DP I would tell him a lot of the points that have been raised here about his atrocious behaviour and I would make him choose between you and her.

Agree with quick and something.

Then switch of the internet.

Sounds like he's still siding with her. Why does he need her to be there to "sort it out" it's your relationship he should be sorting it out? Why's he so concerned about her having her say?