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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So upset. DP and best friend have been having a little "chat" about me.

999 replies

Babybunny88 · 08/09/2013 16:06

Before my friend "A" and I met she had been friends with my DP for years. DP and I were both mutual friends with A. That is how we met, she thought we would be a good match and introduced us 7 years ago. Fantastic.

Obviously because they have been friends for so long they occasionally text which doesn't bother me in the slightest, I know they don't have any romantically inclined feelings for each other. He has often said she is like a sister to him.

Anyway, I was playing a game on DPs iPhone while he pops round to his dbs house and a message from A popped up. I accidentally pressed it (really was an accident, as I was playing the game and hit the notice), and saw my name mentioned in the text so couldn't help reading it.

It said " Lol! do you want me talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it."

Anybody seeing that message would feel inclined to read previous messages, wouldn't they? So I scrolled up and saw that supposed best friend and "d"p were talking about how much weight ive apparently gained. This is word for word how the text convo went:

A: hey, thanks for coming over last night. DH and I enjoyed seeing you both and your DD has got so big!! (We went to theirs for dinner last night)

DP: babybunny and I had a nice night as well. You cook a mean curry!

A: haha I know everybody loves my curries! Maybe though a salad would have been more healthier lol!!

DP: Ahh but who wants a salad on a Saturday night? Curry goes better with Beer! Babybunny doesn't like salads anyway.

A: yes I know... Maybe we should try to get her to like them though..before she puts on any more weight...lol...

DP: yeah maybe. ( I suspect DP didn't know what to say at this point)

A: you know I love her like crazy, but she seems to have put on a bit of weight.. Not good for her health!!

DP: Yea its been since DD was born. Do you have any suggestions? I've noticed this too but for obvious reasons can't say anything.

A: tell her to put down the pies lol!! Just joking! Talk to her about it if it were me I would like DH to tell me!

DP: are you joking? She will go apeshit. Definitely not guareenteed to put down the pies then!

A: Lol! do you want me to talk to babybunny about it? Ill make her promise not to say anything to you about it.

I am sitting here half devastated half furious! I can't believe the two of them have discussed this! Ok fair enough it wasn't for my eyes and they are probably worrying about my health but I am so upset and don't know what to say to DP when he gets back. Do i say anything to A? i already have self esteem issues and this has made me feel total and utter shit.i didn't think I was that fat. And they are both wrong, I do infact like salads!

Help? :(

OP posts:

BeanandGone · 08/09/2013 18:41

I hate the word banter.
It is pretty much exclusively used by fuckwits now

Mrs DV is correct in all she says. But please sent the link!

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 08/09/2013 18:42

*Tabliope ...

MissStrawberry · 08/09/2013 18:42

If you do send that text make sure you type you're not your or she'll be taking the piss out of your English next.

Feelingfatty · 08/09/2013 18:42

Oh my goodness I feel for you so much. This whole thing has made me so angry! I would be fuming if this was my dh and friend. I would be humiliated, upset and feel so betrayed. Pair of twats x

KatieScarlett2833 · 08/09/2013 18:42

Exactly, the My Girl comment is just loathesome. Like her.

HairyGrotter · 08/09/2013 18:42

I'd have to punt her right in the cunt. What a vile person, your DP is no better especially engaging in the 'banter' AND then having the fucking brass balls to let her know that you've 'discovered' the texts

I'm fucking chomping on the bit to rip those cunts new araeholes!!

KoalaFace · 08/09/2013 18:42

YY MrsDeVere why are twats constantly saying "banter"?

I would reply "laughing WITH ME about my baby weight and pie eating would be 'banter'. Laughing with my partner about it makes you bitchy and no friend of mine. And placing the blame on me and my 'sensitivity' is laughable."

Dobbiesmum · 08/09/2013 18:42

Everything that MrsDV said. I worked in pubs for a long time and enjoyed a bit of banter with the regulars. It was genuinely fun and everything said was to the other person's face. There was teasing but anything nasty was stamped on very quickly.
If this is how banter is regarded now then the definition seems to have changed to bullying.

Vivacia · 08/09/2013 18:42

I really wouldn't reply. It'll just add fuel to the fire. From here on it's all about your marriage and you should just be dealing with him (and him with you, who the fuck does he think he is, texting her??). I wouldn't give her the time of day from now on.

EverybodysStressyEyed · 08/09/2013 18:42

I'm not over sensitive. You're a bitch.

But perhaps best just to ignore and maintain a frosty silence and no more cosy dinners.

As I said upthread, banter is only banter if the butt of it is involved and finds it funny. If they don't it is bullying

Hawkmoth · 08/09/2013 18:43

I can't process this at all. Fucking bastards both of them. He should be gutted, she should have some insight and empathy. They don't. They are shitheads.

Pixieonthemoor · 08/09/2013 18:43

Yup, I agree - send her this thread, perhaps with the message "please find attached some banter. Had me lolling. Thought you would like the joke".

And then cut her out of your life. Your DP needs to see this too and needs to apologise properly and understand that his loyalty lies with YOU.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 08/09/2013 18:43

'I forget how sensitive you are some times lol!!'

Best response to that has to be "did I ever tell you that you look like a man? No? nevermind I'm just messing. No hard feelings. I loves you loadz too hun lol lol"

or something. She's a knob, so is he and if he values her and her shitty opinions so much he can kip on her fucking sofa tonight can't he?! stupid wanker.

Goodadvice1980 · 08/09/2013 18:44

There is a serious blurring of appropriate boundaries between your partner and friend A.

AgentZigzag · 08/09/2013 18:44

'He can be friends with her but his loyalty has to be with you'

That's it exactly.

And not just be loyal to the OP, but be seen to loyal to her.

There's a slight chance he didn't think anything of the texts at the time, some people can't see how what they say might affect others, but he should have apologised after the OP said she was upset, not attack her some more.

burberryqueen · 08/09/2013 18:45

i hope bunny is still reading this...these responses are hilarious! am sitting in wetherspoons snorting to myself like a madwoman.

eatriskier · 08/09/2013 18:45

if he trots out the 'that's what she has always been like' line again there is only one response
'yes, I suppose she's always been a cunt'

Blueandwhitelover · 08/09/2013 18:48

Your dh needs to be grovelling an apology to you and understands how much he has hurt you. Show him this thread.

Celadorthepinksequineddragon · 08/09/2013 18:48

I'm with HairyGrotter on this, you've been far calmer than I would have been in those circumstances. A would be very clear that if she contacted me again or insulted me to DP i'd rip her a new one. I'm also happy to do this on your behalf .

I'm sorry you're upset - a size 14 isn't big at all and neither of them are worth getting upset over. I'm disappointed that your DP hasn't stuck up for you.

Original poster

Babybunny88 · 08/09/2013 18:48

I haven't replied and A has been trying to ring me over and over. I'm not answering. DP saunters in and tells me to answer because she is really upset about what happened and wants to apologise!

I told him to fuck right off I'm not listening to her bile I feel so hurt he has "picked" her over me. His reply was that he wasn't picking anybody over anyone and that he was sorry I was hurt by the texts, but that I should take anything A says with a pinch of salt.

I am actually sitting in the kitchen rocking my precious DD (18 mo fir anyone who missed it)back and forth because she is crying her eyes out at our arguing and probably because her mum is sobbing too :( god I feel so guilty for that.

OP posts:

MrsBungle · 08/09/2013 18:49

So it was just jokey banter and you're over-sensitive?

Jokey banter between them that was disparaging about you - and you weren't part of this banter, it was behind your back.

Right-ho.

I would not reply to her and I would seriously have to evaluate my relationship with a man who can't see what's wrong with this situation and who, instead of apologising, sulks and reports back straightaway to the other offender.

They honestly sound horrible. I feel really bad for you, what a kick in the teeth. X

SunshineSuperNova · 08/09/2013 18:49

Another one here saying you're not being 'sensitive'. They have both behaved like arseholes.

Floggingmolly · 08/09/2013 18:49

She's an absolute bitch, of course she is, but at this point I'd be focusing more on the fact that he ran to tell her you knew practically as soon as you'd finished speaking. Wtf did he do that for????
That's almost worse than the initial texting.

burberryqueen · 08/09/2013 18:49

aww bunny please do not cry about this bitch xxx

Writerwannabe83 · 08/09/2013 18:50

Text her and tell her that her 'wonderful' curry actually tastes like dog shit!

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