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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not on for DD to not be invited?

230 replies

InViennaWeWerePoetry · 07/09/2013 18:08

I know it's another family event invite thread, but bear with me. A bit of background- I have an 8 year old DD who I have been privately fostering since May. My family are all aware of this, my mum, dad and maternal grandparents have met DD, the rest of my family have not due to us living a few hours drive away and my work schedule over the summer. I'm hoping to take DD up to visit during October half term.

My paternal grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary is coming up and my aunt and uncle (her dp) are arranging a surprise party. They've been planning to do this for months and were originally thinking of a big party with all their family and friends, but my granddad has been ill recently so they're scaling it down to a family gathering. They've chosen a date close to Christmas as family who don't live locally will be visiting anyway and able to attend. My mum's sister and her family (family part is my dad's side) will be over from abroad on the day so they have also been invited after my mum pointed this out- my parents met at school and their families have always been fairly close, this arrangement isn't unusual. My grandparents on my mum's side are also invited.

My invite to the party/gathering has arrived today and it's just addressed to me, no mention of DD. I've spoken to my brother and his is addressed to him, his DW and their DD, who is almost 2. I'm guessing this means DD isn't invited. AIBU to think this is off?

OP posts:
MrsLouisTheroux · 09/09/2013 14:27

Ok, so you absolutely do not go.

Write a letter to or phone your Grandparents after the event and say that you are devastated that you were unable to attend their party. Tell them that you couldn't go because your Aunt would not extend the invitation to your DD despite several requests from different members of your family.

If I were your father ( and this Aunt was my sister) I would also be telling her where to stick her invitation and to forget this sham of a 'party'.

pigletmania · 09/09/2013 14:31

I agre Tension, I would telephone te grandparents and explain what has happened, fuck if you spoil your Aunties surprise, I would aso tell dad and get him to soak up, no good to be livid, it has to be out into action!

pigletmania · 09/09/2013 14:32

Speak up

MrsLouisTheroux · 09/09/2013 14:32

Xpost- on second thoughts, as others have said: Tell your Aunt that you or your father will have to talk to your Grandparents about why you can't attend before the event. You can't just not turn up. Tell her that you are very sorry if it spoils the surprise.

friday16 · 09/09/2013 14:34

I would just turn up with your dd. seriously.

Seriously, don't. The last thing that's needed for a child who has (presumably) experienced uncertainty and unease in their relationships is to be the focus of a major argument about their right to be in the room. That is highly unlikely to end well.

Original poster
InViennaWeWerePoetry · 09/09/2013 14:37

I'm not going, nor are my parents and brother. Which means my mum's relatives who were invited won't be going, which makes a serious dent in my aunt's guest list Grin Turning up definitely isn't an option in light of my aunt's recent comments about her getting to choose who comes to her house, I wouldn't put it past her to turn us away on the door. She seems to think the problem is finding a babysitter Hmm

I had the same thought about the 'surprise' party, it does seem badly thought out. My parents' plan is to try and convince my aunt to tell my grandparents about the party, and then mention to them how DD has been excluded. Telling my grandparents and ruining the surprise without telling my aunt would piss her off well and truly.

OP posts:
Original poster
InViennaWeWerePoetry · 09/09/2013 14:40

Tension that's a good point actually, it's not going to look good to my grandparents if their son's entire branch of family don't turn up, is it? Maybe it would be best to say something to them Confused

OP posts:
Maryz · 09/09/2013 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rowlers · 09/09/2013 14:41

OP, this event should be a wonderfully happy celebration for your family and your aunt is turning it into a cesspit of sourness covered in shit.
Why should she get away with this behaviour? Seriously, K8 is right - the "power" needs to be removed from this daft bint.
I sense you will have more than just your dad as your ally.
Can you capitalise on this in any way?

FetchezLaVache · 09/09/2013 14:42

Sounds like your aunt is going to try to pretend it's a babysitting issue rather than a her being a major bitch issue. I'm so glad your parents and DB support you.

Original poster
InViennaWeWerePoetry · 09/09/2013 14:42

Tension that's a good point actually, it's not going to look good to my grandparents if their son's entire branch of family don't turn up, is it? Maybe it would be best to say something to them Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
InViennaWeWerePoetry · 09/09/2013 14:43

Sorry, not quite sure what happened there Blush

OP posts:
Maryz · 09/09/2013 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EllesAngel · 09/09/2013 14:44

Telling my grandparents and ruining the surprise without telling my aunt would piss her off well and truly.

That's her problem not yours. I agree with those who say you should tell your grandparents before the event. Why should she be protected from the consequences of her vile, nasty behaviour.

Rowlers · 09/09/2013 14:44

OK, you clearly do have an army now!!!
Your grandparents have been married for 50 years.
How lovely that you all wanted to celebrate.
I can't see them wanting to celebrate with half their family missing.
Can't your Aunt see that?
Very proud of your dad!

MrsLouisTheroux · 09/09/2013 14:49

I'm so pleased your family are not accepting. It might be an idea for your Dad to tell his sister that he is going to have to explain the situation to his parents and that the whole event has been soured for you all. Also, no, even if your DD is suddenly included, you will not be coming.
Your poor Grandparents :(

Original poster
InViennaWeWerePoetry · 09/09/2013 14:55

Her stepdaughter is invited MaryZ, she doesn't want to go because her dad will be there, she and him had a massive fall out last year and haven't spoken since. She's still close with my aunt although hasn't met her family, she was around 13/14 when my aunt and uncle met I think and has always lived with her mum. For various reasons, even if I wasn't opposed to the idea of a babysitter I wouldn't feel comfortable with leaving DD with her.

K8 I love that suggestion- do you think we can outvote her? Grin

OP posts:
Spaghettio · 09/09/2013 14:56

As grandparents don't know about it, can't you ask to take them out? They have no plans..... Grin that way you and your family (including dd) get to celebrate with them!

Rowlers · 09/09/2013 14:57

Yes, outvote the caah. Church hall, church hall, church hall!!!

Maryz · 09/09/2013 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 09/09/2013 15:01

Good on you al, presenta united front. Serves your Aunt right for behaving so applealingly. I agree Maryz she even left her stepdaughter out, what a nasty piece of work. Why don't you all do something nice with your Grandparents to celebrate!

pigletmania · 09/09/2013 15:02

Op your Aunt gets worse and worse, wanting to leave out one poor little Chid who probably has been through a lot.

pigletmania · 09/09/2013 15:04

I agree Maryz, it's a party for Aunt not her parents as her parents would have wanted op dd there. Good on everyone fr making a stand. Keep us updated on Aunts horrid behaviour

nickelbabe · 09/09/2013 16:09

i agree with moving it to neutral territory.

hire the church hall.
tell everyone change of venue.
invite all the people that your grandparents love, including friends and all the family.

MrsLouisTheroux · 09/09/2013 16:20

Yes to neutral venue:
"Aunt/ sister, there seems to be a problem with holding this party at your house due to space and numbers. I'm sure that you don't want to leave anyone out. We as a family (you, DD, mum, Dad, brother, mum's parents) can't see ourselves attending if DD isn't included. Perhaps we all need to rethink plans so as to not upset anyone?"