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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not on for DD to not be invited?

230 replies

InViennaWeWerePoetry · 07/09/2013 18:08

I know it's another family event invite thread, but bear with me. A bit of background- I have an 8 year old DD who I have been privately fostering since May. My family are all aware of this, my mum, dad and maternal grandparents have met DD, the rest of my family have not due to us living a few hours drive away and my work schedule over the summer. I'm hoping to take DD up to visit during October half term.

My paternal grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary is coming up and my aunt and uncle (her dp) are arranging a surprise party. They've been planning to do this for months and were originally thinking of a big party with all their family and friends, but my granddad has been ill recently so they're scaling it down to a family gathering. They've chosen a date close to Christmas as family who don't live locally will be visiting anyway and able to attend. My mum's sister and her family (family part is my dad's side) will be over from abroad on the day so they have also been invited after my mum pointed this out- my parents met at school and their families have always been fairly close, this arrangement isn't unusual. My grandparents on my mum's side are also invited.

My invite to the party/gathering has arrived today and it's just addressed to me, no mention of DD. I've spoken to my brother and his is addressed to him, his DW and their DD, who is almost 2. I'm guessing this means DD isn't invited. AIBU to think this is off?

OP posts:
Hissy · 09/09/2013 07:54

I wonder if the fact that it's a surprise is designed by the Aunt, so that she can make a point about your DD, OP?

What a nasty piece of work.

I think the path of least conflict is to attend WITH DD, and if challenged by the witch to put her firmly and squarely in her place.

It shows a défiance and backbone. It shows that you're as much a part of the family as she is. And so is you DD.

Then suggest that she apologise to you for being so utterly and spectacularly rude.

pigletmania · 09/09/2013 08:06

I agree Miri and hissy, this behaviour should not be tolerated! If aunt is allowed to get her own way when throwing a strop it's going to set a president. Better to nip it in the bud now!

Original poster
InViennaWeWerePoetry · 09/09/2013 13:37

Havent read all the responses yet but an update: my dad has spoken to my aunt. Apparently in order to limit the numbers, they've cut it down to just family, no friends- DD falls into the friends group as she technically isn't family. Also it is being held at my aunt's house, which she says means she gets to choose who gets an invite. Aunt has, however, recommended an excellent babysitter, her stepdaughter, her husband's daughter from a previous relationship whom none of my family have met Hmm. My dad is livid.

OP posts:
autumnkickingin · 09/09/2013 13:50

How do your parents want to take it from here, OP?

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 09/09/2013 13:50

Your aunt is indeed a Plank and not a very nice one.

friday16 · 09/09/2013 13:51

Based on your latest update, don't go. And suggest that your father doesn't go either (if he's livid, it sounds like he might jump at the opportunity). The aunt sounds vile.

Lj8893 · 09/09/2013 13:53

What I would do is get as many people as possible to not go and organise your own event, as its a surprise for your gps you can easily divert them to attend your event instead.

really not helpful and immature

KatyaRachmanova · 09/09/2013 13:55

What a bitch.

I'll leave the advice to other, wiser, posters. Because I'd be on the war path ans make sure all of the rest of the family knew what a bitch she is being. Which is probably NOT the best course of action.

I feel like contacting her myself and having a word.

wishingchair · 09/09/2013 13:57

I just wouldn't go but instead do as autumnkickingin suggests and make sure you see your GP on a much lower key basis.

The worst that could happen now is your aunt relents, you go, but then there are comments made and your DD gets the message loud and clear that they didn't really want her to be there.

wishingchair · 09/09/2013 13:59

Have to say I am Shock at these people who prioritise children based on blood ties. I've a friend with two children she gave birth to and two she long term fosters. It would never cross my mind to exclude the fostered two. Horrific.

BarbarianMum · 09/09/2013 14:00

Just read the first few posts and then your update Shock

WHAT A BITCH!

I'm sorry for your grandparents that their party is being turned from a nice family get together into a family war but honestly, how can your daughter not be family. And even if, deep down, that is how your aunt feels about it how dare she suggest she be treated this way.

Truly shocked.

AbiRoad · 09/09/2013 14:02

Do you think your dad would be prepared to say to aunt that his side of the family will do something separate to celebrate with the GPs as aunt's party is not convenient because they have guests that weekend?

twistedtoffee · 09/09/2013 14:04

Apart from her unacceptable reason for excluding your dd, why on earth is she being so stubborn and digging her heels in over one small child when she can see the upset her exclusion is causing.

I really wouldn't go and would take your GPs out for a meal or something instead to mark the occasion.

friday16 · 09/09/2013 14:04

Do you think your dad would be prepared to say to aunt that his side of the family will do something separate to celebrate with the GPs as aunt's party is not convenient because they have guests that weekend her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable and they are unwilling to collude with her in excluding your DD?

Fixed that for you The aunt's behaviour is genuinely appalling. There is no requirement for anyone to whitewash, cover up or enable her to make excuses.

pigletmania · 09/09/2013 14:05

What a disgusting cow Angry. I would not go, how dare she Angry

pigletmania · 09/09/2013 14:06

She sounds like a nasty toxic woman which I would not like dd to be around

pigletmania · 09/09/2013 14:06

Ddvis family, did your dad not point that out to her

kiriwawa · 09/09/2013 14:08

wishingchair - have a read of that link that pigletmania posted yesterday at 18:01. Truly shocking stuff :(

InVienna - I'm so sorry your aunt's being such a complete cow to your and your DD. What are you and your family going to do now?

Inertia · 09/09/2013 14:08

Your aunt's behaviour is appalling.

I would be tempted to go and visit your grandparents- maybe with your own parents- and arrange to take them out to tea as a celebration. Tell them (out of DD's earshot) that you wanted to celebrate their anniversary at an event you were allowed to attend with their GGD. Stuff the surprise.

FetchezLaVache · 09/09/2013 14:08

If she's so intransigent about DD's non-family status even after having it pointed out to her, I think I would just stop pushing for it tbh. She sounds quite capable of being vile to DD's face. It would be great if your parents and DB would boycott the party in protest, but perhaps you can't ask that of them for your GPs' sake. If you're staying with your parents anyway that weekend, perhaps you could arrange to go and see your GPs together the next day if they're not too tired after the party.

pigletmania · 09/09/2013 14:10

Kiri that is a very sad thread, op Aunt sounds very like the mother of tatbopmon tat thread. Wonder what has happened to te family on tat thread

pigletmania · 09/09/2013 14:12

I totally agree inertia, mabey your dad, mum and you and your siblings and ALL kids organise something yourselves, and stuff toxic Aunt and her horrid party

wannaBe · 09/09/2013 14:16

I would just turn up with your dd. seriously.

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 09/09/2013 14:19

I agree that you can't really not mention the 'surprise' now. Your GP would be confused about why you wouldn't be there, and possibly hurt by that if you are actually in the area. Your aunt has pretty much forced this onto you as you can neither allow your DD to be so cruelly excluded, nor can you allow your GP to think you don't care enough not to attend, with your aunt possibly making up some BS to explain your absence.

I think you need to talk it over with your parents but you can't leave this with you simply not attending with nothing else said. If I was one of those invited, I'd want no part of excluding an 8 yr old on the fucked up logic your aunt has given. I don't know the numbers or how well you know the other people invited but I honestly think you need to speak out about this. Not in a 'look at how cruel aunt is' way but in a 'this is my DD, she is my family and therefore part of this family. If anyone chooses to exclude her, you exclude me and my family too. I will not subject my 8 yr old to adult insensitivity so I'd appreciate anyone who has a problem with my family, telling me, so I can protect my DD from cruel insensitivity from adults who seem to feel justified in excluding an 8 yr old child'

I've no idea if that's a reasonable suggestion or not, but if this was someone in my family, I'd want to let them know I support them, and will have no part in that cruel woman's agenda.

K8Middleton · 09/09/2013 14:27

I literally gasped at the update. How dare she say your daughter is not family?!

I suggest holding the party on neutral territory like a church hall and inviting whoever the grandparents would want. Take this awful woman your aunt's power away.