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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be getting really fed up with this? Thoughts, please.

336 replies

friendslikethese · 07/09/2013 16:41

We live in a terraced house. When I sit in the garden, I can see next door's garden clearly.

My next door neighbour is also a friend and has two little girls. The youngest is 5 years old.

We have a dog (chocolate Labrador) who is completely harmless. He does the occasional "woof!" in joy when the door first opens and he has freedom Grin that is it - one bark, he isn't a "noisy" dog in the slightest.

However the youngest of the girls hates him - OK, can live with that. But I can't live with:

  • Screaming hysterically when he is in our garden and she is in hers; crying, yelling, howling.
  • Screaming hysterically if he's going for his evening walk and they are going in/out of the house at the same time.
  • Screaming hysterically when she was around here one evening with her parents and sister. Dog was banished to the kitchen but on one occasion someone left the door ajar when they used the downstairs loo and he stuck his head round. Scream, scream, scream.

I broached it with my neighbour, nicely, and tried to explain that it is pretty unpleasant (I didn't use those words) - she just got defensive and said her DD wouldn't change, she has "always been scared of dogs" and for her, children come before animals.

Am I really being SO unreasonable though? Surely he's got a right to go for his walk in the evenings (he is on a lead by the way) or have a roll in the garden without being screamed at?

OP posts:
MmmmWhiteWine · 07/09/2013 18:29

Friends, I so understand how you feel. We have a rescue dog too and also struggled with fertility treatment for years and he really kept me going through that. He was my first baby and is a soft, loving, lovely dog. BUT my niece was terrified of all dogs and our poor old boy always had to be locked away or sent to relatives if they were ever visiting as she would just freak out. It used to really upset me that she couldnt see what a lovely dog he is...silly, I know. I'm so thankful that she is now ok with most dogs and actually is now very fond of our dog, thanks to all the effort her parents put into rationalising her fears. He's a very old boy now and it makes me so happy to see that she has finally grown to like him before it's too late. I really sympathise with you and can only hope that as she grows up a bit the fear will diminish or at least the screaming will stop. Chin up x

Jan49 · 07/09/2013 18:30

Only the parents can do anything about the child's behaviour so I'd change the time you walk the dog so you and your dc and dog (dd?!)don't have to tolerate the NDN's child screaming when you leave for your walk.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 07/09/2013 18:33

I can see both sides of the fence TBH.
I have a DD who (now at aged 11) will walk past a dog.
That doesn't sound like much does it?
But she used to panic so much, she's rather run into a road than face a dog.
I don't expect her to like them. I'd just like her to share the same air.
She'll get a fright if one comes round a corner but it's "oh" not "arrrrrrgh"

But:
I didn't take her to woods or parks unless I could be sure she wouldn't be met by loose dogs.
The child area of the park was dog-free. We went there. A woods isn't.
The beach at dog-free season. Fine. Off season, we didn't go.

I wouldn't let her scream her head off.
I think (as the parent of a dog phobic child now not 'cured' but better) we all have to live side-by-side.
Dogs have the perfect right to go into their garden without harrassment from screamy children.

My DD has never been bitten or scared (though she was knocked over by a boxer but I don't think she remembers).
She didn't have a fear of being bitten. It was being BREATHED on she couldn't face.

BTW we're not scared. DS is fine. No idea what spooked DD Confused

Crumbledwalnuts · 07/09/2013 18:34

Yes you need to vent some of this anger now back to where it comes from. They are taking no notice of you being nice. They're being horrible to you.

garlicbargain · 07/09/2013 18:34

Look, screaming works, doesn't it?
Child is terrified of dogs.
Dog in vicinity of child, child wants dog to go away.
Child screams.
Dog hides.
Job done.

Only five years old, she has discovered she can control the source of her terror by making loud noises at it. I don't blame her for doing it; I wish all terrifying things were so easily cowed!

The only sensible approach for you, OP, is to set about making the little girl friends with your dog. You could start by training the dog not to be freaked out by the racket.

Original poster
friendslikethese · 07/09/2013 18:35

Thanks MmmWhiteWine - it IS daft but - yeah, you "get" it, I think!

Jan, it's possible but not easy as the nights draw in - it was doable on maternity leave as I could do his big walk before she got in from school but now it is so much harder.

Evie, I get it that you don't "get" dogs but I don't "get" advocating cruelty, and rehoming is. Sometimes it is unavoidable and for the best but in this instance it would deprive DH and DD and I of a much loved pet, but let's take us out of it for a minute.

The dog is taken from his owners to a pen, far away from his home. He may be lucky and get a new home - with a third set of owners. If he does, some other poor dog has to wait a while longer. If he doesn't, he has to stay in that environment. His food, toys and exercise place a burden on the costs of the rescue centre.

That is cruel, and you don't have to "get" or like or own a dog to be against cruelty.

OP posts:
garlicbargain · 07/09/2013 18:36

Only in Britain would swathes of people agree that a dog's nervousness is of greater concern than a child's terror Grin

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 07/09/2013 18:36

I'm probably beings thick, but how does she know when the dog is in the garden? You say there is a hedge, can you grow it up a bit, maybe loss of light is preferable to the constant screaming?

Do you walk your dog at the same time every day? If not could you? Then you could drop a note through saying when you will be leaving arriving home so they can avoid you.

Maybe drop through some counselling leaflets as well. Assuming 5yr old is not being a drama queen, she is going to have serioous issues if she doesn't get over this.

garlicbargain · 07/09/2013 18:36

Train your dog, OP. Labs are intelligent & respond well.

Crumbledwalnuts · 07/09/2013 18:36

Can you pick a lovely sunny day when your husband isn't sleeping, he takes your baby out and you buy the dog two huge nice juicy bones and go into the garden with the dog and stay there no matter how long she screams for. Obviously the parents will have to deal with it and they will have nothing they can criticise you for.

Crumbledwalnuts · 07/09/2013 18:38

Oh sorry the bones are for distracting the dog when she screams. It would be a disgrace to the Labrador name if two bones don't keep him happy.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 07/09/2013 18:38

And, I would tell her mother:

"My dog might think Ohh FFS and tottle off. But one day she'll meet a dog who might be unwell, scared, untrained etc and won't appreciate your DD screaming. Even more so if he's tied outside a shop and feels trapped".

garlicbargain · 07/09/2013 18:39

Oh, yes, walnuts! Labs are intelligent, except when it comes to bones Grin

Crumbledwalnuts · 07/09/2013 18:39

I agree- this girl's reaction puts her in danger. She's in no danger from the OPs dog but then that's not the only dog she's going to come across.

Crumbledwalnuts · 07/09/2013 18:40

I love giving our Lab a bone. The gratification, the joy, the kitchen chairs knocked over by the strength of the wag while you hold it high and watch her drool Grin

DoJo · 07/09/2013 18:41

But clearly you and he are part of the issue (which is not the same thing as its being your fault) , just as much as the little girl next door and her parents, and the sooner you acknowledge that the sooner a solution will be found.

I think it's unfair to say that the OP is 'just as much' a part of the issue as the neighbours. They are trying to get on with their lives in a way that wouldn't impinge on 99% of people, whereas a child screaming in a way that is audible to their neighbours is something most people would object to. The dog existing isn't really an 'issue' and characterising it as such is unfair. Given that they are even going so far as to get the little girl presents etc from the dog, it shows that they are going beyond the call of duty to try and make her feel comfortable around him, but helping her to deal with her fear is something only her parents can really do. I can't believe anyone would suggest that they should rehome their dog - apart from it being ridiculous to give up a member of their family to accommodate a neighbour, what if new neighbours moved in the other side with a dog - should they rehome theirs as well, just to get some peace from a shrieking child?

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 07/09/2013 18:41

sorted...

Grin
garlicbargain · 07/09/2013 18:44

Brilliant, Beyond Grin

coffeeinbed · 07/09/2013 18:45

70isaLimit
this is a real danger but then another poor dog will get blamed.

it happened to us once - some child screamed in my dogs face, out of sheer spite, luckily my dog is very calm.

thornrose · 07/09/2013 18:45

Job's a good un Grin

candycoatedwaterdrops · 07/09/2013 18:46

"Only in Britain would swathes of people agree that a dog's nervousness is of greater concern than a child's terror."

Hmm No one said that but the OP has a right to walk her dog without feeling stressed as does her baby.

Original poster
friendslikethese · 07/09/2013 18:47

He certainly loves his food! Grin

Garlic, it isn't that his nervousness comes before her terror, it's the fact that his behaviour is reasonable, hers isn't - sorry!

She can see into our garden because of the trampoline, swing and slide they have.

OP posts:
EvieanneVolvic · 07/09/2013 18:50

Friendslikethese (18.35) Well I guess I knew I was laying myself wide open, but just to say...

I have already said because I don't really understand dogs, (ie feel the empathy with them that lots of other people do ) I wouldn't own one. Your description of rehoming is an eye opener and an education. Thank you.

I fully accept that this was a gap in my knowledge but to extrapolate from a suggestion that a dog could be rehomed that I advocate cruelty is a bit of a leap no?

garlicbargain · 07/09/2013 18:51

She's a child with a phobia. Of course it isn't reasonable. 5-year-olds are unreasonable, and so are phobias.

However, you can play a part in the solution by [a] teaching your dog not to run away from screams (what kind of a rescue dog would a nervy Lab make, huh?!), and [b] speaking kindly to the girl about the dog, in preparation for the improved relationship you're going to build between them.

solarbright · 07/09/2013 18:52

The neighbour girl isn't just screaming at the dog. She's screaming at the family next door. It wakes them, it upsets them, it puts them on edge, it makes the family nervous. Her parents don't need to get her to love dogs, but they do need to stop her screaming as her always & only reaction to this dog. They are doing her no favours by letting her scream away.