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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DC's with in-laws so DP and I can have a weekend away?

206 replies

snowchic83 · 04/09/2013 22:35

DD1 will be 21 months and DD2 will be 3 months. DP and I are thinking about a weekend away in the Lake District at the beginning of October. His parents have offered to look after the DC's which I am completely happy about as they are great GP's and the girls love them. We are thinking of leaving on the Friday and coming back on the Monday.

Would you leave your baby for the weekend at 3 months (she is FF)? I am also worried that DD1 will wonder where we are and get upset and I hate the thought of her missing us (she as stayed with the ILs a few times overnight and been absolutely fine but 24 hours is a bit different to 3 days).

I have the booking open on anther tab just waiting for me to click but I feel v guilty about it and can't quite bring myself to go ahead!

Am I being over anxious about this? Should I just go ahead and book?

WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
snowchic83 · 05/09/2013 22:03

bumfunhun I'm now thinking of booking something like a spa package (for me more than DP :) ) in a hotel closer to home and only staying for one night and picking the girls up on the way home.

OP posts:
BumFunHun · 05/09/2013 22:06

FWIW - I'd probably do it. Heartless mummy? No. Thought of having three whole days with my DH un-interrupted and without having a third party invite themselves into bed - sounds blissful. Going to a pub, and not worrying about drinking in moderation - hasn't been done since my wedding night.

I say go for it if you won't be spending the whole weekend worrying. If you will be stressing, perhaps do a one-night stay nearer to home, and do an advance booking for a longer break a year or so from now, so you've a break to look forward to.

Don't let the judgey types get to you though :)

BumFunHun · 05/09/2013 22:09

X-posts. That sounds amazing. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you have a wonderful time, and get to unwind and enjoy the quality time with your DP.

As you quite rightly point out, just because you become parents, doesn't mean (IMO anyway) that you should sacrifice opportunities to enjoy each other's company

squoosh · 05/09/2013 22:16

'As for those of you who have have left their kids to go on 7 night and 10 days holidays with DP, sorry I think that's outrageous.'

Outrageous? Hmm

What a strange reaction, it might not be something you would do but to say it's 'outrageous' as if it personally offends you is just ridiculous.

Don't be so quick to judge other people who don't do everything as you do.

kiriwawa · 05/09/2013 22:16

I wouldn't but then I've not left my DS for longer than a night until last month and he's 6.

TBH I don't enjoy myself when he's not there but know a lot of people don't feel like that. It's not guilt exactly, it's just that I spent my life doing this kind of thing (nights in posh hotels/nice meals etc) before I had children and I don't feel any pressing need to do it. It would be nice but don't hanker after it at all.

If I were a younger mother, I may well feel different of course :)

HappyMummyOfOne · 05/09/2013 22:22

"HappyMummyOfOne, are you planning/expecting to not have a night out or time away, ever, until your DC leaves home?

Theres a huge difference between the odd night out over a childs life and leaving a three month old baby for a third time overnight and this time for a few days.

Floggingmolly · 05/09/2013 22:22

No, I wouldn't. Shock at poster who left her 2 week old overnight.
Why would a newborn need a sleepover??

caramelwaffle · 05/09/2013 22:23

Oh I've done the weeks holiday leaving child at home thing.

My mother practical booted us out the door and kicked our bums all the way to the airport.

Fun in the sun.

Plus lots more.

caramelwaffle · 05/09/2013 22:27

Flogging I can actually top trump that poster.

I know. Shocking, shocking but I enjoyed the rest and it was much needed.

I am being honest if slightly disingenuous

Wonderstuff · 05/09/2013 22:35

I went away for 3 nights when DD was 2. I hadn't realised until that trip how much stress DH and I were under, we relaxed, we laughed, and we decided to take a weekend away at least once a year. It's important to nurture a relationship.

Original poster
snowchic83 · 05/09/2013 22:45

caramel how old was your DC if you don't mind me asking (please feel free to tell me to mind my own business). I'm not judging, just curious :)

OP posts:
nancy75 · 05/09/2013 22:54

Flogging, that was me I believe?
My daughter stayed with my parents overnight at 2 weeks because I was at the end of my tether, I had a difficult birth, a baby that wouldn't sleep it was my first baby and when she did sleep I sat watching her all night to make sure she didn't stop breathing.
The option was a night with my mum, or a complete breakdown.
I'm happy for you that you didn't need to leave your dd overnight at that age, well done, maybe I could get you a special badge?
Would I do anything different? No.
Do I feel bad about leaving dd with my mum? No
Maybe before you press your shocked little face icon you might like to think that not everyone is the same.

caramelwaffle · 05/09/2013 23:06

No problem snow

Two years old for the weeks holiday with
overnight stays before that with Grandparent.

Also - 12 hours old onwards (so from the get go) meant I had 8 hours ish sleep per night. I had to entrust the care of my child to others. I didn't feel a jot of guilt. They/we still did a splendid job if I say so myself

caramelwaffle · 05/09/2013 23:13

Sounds like you did the best thing at the time nancy and your mum did her best for you.

Some of us have fantastic hands-on relatives to call on.

I also had the wonderful NHS £200000 later

Original poster
snowchic83 · 05/09/2013 23:15

nancy75 that must of been hard for you. I had a difficult time with DD1 and wish I had asked for help rather than suffer by myself and take it out on DP. It's only since I've had DD2 have I realised how uptight I was about anyone other than myself looking after my children (but that's just me, not a dig at anyone who isn't comfortable with it).

caramel - thanks :). I'm assuming you're children lived to tell the tale?

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AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat · 05/09/2013 23:19

This came up about 3 weeks ago with my then 4 month old daughter. My parents were going away and my little girl had been a bit grizzly from having her injections the day before they left. My Mum offered to take her with them (Friday lunchtime, to Sunday lunchtime) I couldn't do it.

I actually live with my parents at the moment as trying to find a bigger place for me and my partner and my parents love having me here. I said to my Mum that one night wouldn't have been a problem as Mum and Dad have both helped for 6-8 hours overnight a few times so stretching to staying overnight although worrying, would've been fine but 2 days would've frightened me.

But when she is around a year old when I know her bond will be strong with me and also my parents then 2 nights would not seem so bad. But I think I'd wait til she was around 1 1/2 to 2ish for it to be 3 days onwards. At that age up to a week I would probably say would be OK, as long as I could talk to her on the phone and be a worrywart of a Mummy.

But that is me and I am a clingy Mum sometimes, because she is my first and I am fairly young (23) and she is very attached to me but appropriately attached [she doesn't fuss with other people, but always looks for me] so I'd feel like she was always wondering where I was and I hate the thought of her worrying where I am. Irrational, I know. Parents have offered to have her for a few nights again around Valentine's next year for an anniversary time away with DF-- I will think about it and see how she is at 10 months and judge whether I think it will be OK then.

Sorry that was a mammoth post!

But simply put--whatever you feel is right. I definitely wouldn't say not to do it, because if I didn't feel that strong about it, I might have done it myself. I know that doesn't make much sense, but I meant from seeing others do it I don't see any problems with it.

I hope either way you get a nice time away. Perhaps a compromise like others have mentioned and just stay overnight? Say go Friday evening and come back Saturday evening?

caramelwaffle · 05/09/2013 23:20

Not all but, you know, silver lining and all that... Smile

Have fun on your break.

nancy75 · 05/09/2013 23:20

Thank you caramel, I am lucky my parents are brilliant with dd and she adores them. I was brought up that grandparents are actually part of the family, we stayed with my grandmother frequently and now my daughter does the same with my parents.
I firmly believe that having the chance to be with other people that love her and look after her just as well as I do has made her the happy confident child she is today. I won't be made to feel guilty about my choices.

attheendoftheday · 05/09/2013 23:34

I'm hesitant to post because I think it will offend others, but I wouldn't have left either of my dds at such a young age or for so long, because I think they would have missed me and been distressed. I think it's normal and appropriate for tiny babies to be very strongly attached to their primary caregivers and to be distressed if they're removed. At 2 dd1 clearly misses dp when he works away. And to a 90 day old baby, 3 days is a long time (the equivalent of leaving a 30 year old for a year).

I also accept that people wouldn't leave their dc if they thought it would distress them, so either their dc must be more settled than my dds were (quite possible, my dds were non-sleeping, very demanding babies) or the gps have maybe been more involved with the dc than in my family.

Original poster
snowchic83 · 05/09/2013 23:39

aintnobody I completely understand where you're coming from, I would never have left DD1 at 3 months but with my second I feel much more relaxed about it all but that's just me. TBH I think I'm more worried about DD1 than DD2 as, like you say, I worry about her wondering where I am and if I'm coming back.

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JoinYourPlayfellows · 05/09/2013 23:42

Don't you worry about the baby wondering where you are and when/whether you are coming back?

Original poster
snowchic83 · 05/09/2013 23:44

attheendoftheday there is nothing offensive about your post (to me anyway). I have never thought about it like that before (in terms of time spent away from DCs).

OP posts:
Original poster
snowchic83 · 05/09/2013 23:48

join yes I do which is why I questioned whether it was the right thing to do or not. I think this is a touchy subject on which some people are never going to agree but everyone is entitled to their opinion and it doesn't make them a worse/better parent whatever they decide.

OP posts:
Kaekae · 05/09/2013 23:56

I wouldn't but then we all need a break and if you feel happy and comfortable about leaving them then go for it. Have fun! :)

JoinYourPlayfellows · 06/09/2013 00:13

Ah, have just caught up on the thread from earlier.

Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you by what I said earlier.

I see it was presumed that I meant that there was something terrible about making a decision not to worry about children being upset when you aren't around to see it.

But that's a decision I've made myself many times when I've left my children. If I know the people caring for them can keep them safe and I think it's important to go, I just go.

I was just trying to say that if you are going to make the decision to go, it will be the decision that your children are likely to be upset and confused by your absence. They are both very young.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't go.

I went back to work at 3 months. My kid was upset and confused at first, but she got used to it.

I just think it's silly to pretend that they won't notice you're gone or won't care that you're not around. They will, and they are not likely to be happy about it.

All I was saying was to make your decision based on that reality and not the lazy reassurances that they'll be fine and won't miss you at all.

This isn't something that is a touchy subject for me at all, so perhaps I didn't choose my words carefully enough and I'm very sorry about that.