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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to not stop my children doing the things that my friend was stopping her children doing?

150 replies

freddiefrog · 04/09/2013 10:11

Sorry, title absolute guff, but I can't think how else to word it.

Have had a bit of a falling out with a friend and I just wondered if other people actually stopped their children doing things, just because their friends don't want their children doing it.

Have some very good friends, their girls are exactly the same age as my 2, they are lovely and we usually get on very well, however we're very different in our parenting - DH and I are quite laid back and relaxed, they're a lot stricter (I don't mean my kids are allowed to rampage round the place and run riot, we just don't sweat the small stuff).

We went camping with them last week, stayed on a lovely camp site right on the beach, with a pool, kids clubs, etc, etc. We picked the site together as we felt we could let the kids have fun and not have to be on their cases 24/7, we could all just relax and chill for a few days.

Friends spent the entire time telling their children off for stuff like having grass in their beds, putting a hairbrush in the wrong bag, moving a suitcase to the wrong place in the tent, constant stress about sand and sea water, etc - we're in tents, we and everyone else on the camp site could hear every word and it all got a bit uncomfortable.

Now, neither DH or I cared about any of this stuff, we just wanted a few days away to chill in the sun and let the kids knock themselves out before they go back to school. If they fill their beds with grass cuttings, they've got to sleep in it, if they cover themselves in sand/salt water, no one died.

It all came to a head one afternoon - I'd actually got sick of the constant picking and sniping so had taken my 2 off down the beach for some time out, friend came down and joined us about 20 minutes later. DD1 had been in the sea, came back up the beach, wrapped her towel around herself then sat down on the sand. Friend made some comment about "are you going to allow her to do that?". I asked her what she meant as I couldn't see what DD1 had done wrong and she replied "towel on the sand", I just kind of shrugged, as I wasn't bothered in the slightest.

She got very upset and started having a got at me about how I was undermining her in front of her kids by not backing her up - she basically felt that I should treat my children the same way she treated hers and I should stop mine going in the sea/getting covered with sand/etc when she did.

I refused - how she parents her children is up to her, I may not agree with her, but it's none of my business, and I won't stop my children doing things just because she doesn't like it.

So was I undermining her? Do people actually stop their kids doing simple stuff like going in the sea just because a friend doesn't want their kids going in the sea?

We were on holiday, we just wanted to relax and have fun and to be honest, I don't see why I should clamp down on my kids when I don't think there was anything wrong with the stuff they were doing

OP posts:
angelos02 · 04/09/2013 10:13

She sounds like a loon. Her poor kids.

SalaciousBCrumb · 04/09/2013 10:13

You've fallen foul of rule 101 of shared holidays - only go with those whose parenting is similar to yours for precisely this reason. Your friend was bang out of order to have a go at you.

I don't see how you can go to the beach and not get covered in sand!

YouTheCat · 04/09/2013 10:15

Tbh she sounds like an idiot.

Why go to a camp site near a beach and then not allow your kids to enjoy the water and beach?

You weren't undermining her.

baddriver · 04/09/2013 10:16

Never holiday with friends.

And yes she is bonkers. No towel on the sand? Seriously?!

CaptainSweatPants · 04/09/2013 10:16

Do you know she was so loony before you went away with her???

mrsfuzzy · 04/09/2013 10:16

your kids, your rules. i feel sorry for the kids, however is she so particular when the kids aren't around?

lollylaughs · 04/09/2013 10:17

She sounds very controlling. I feel sorry for her kids. She really needs to take a chill pill ...

LegoAcupuncture · 04/09/2013 10:17

She sounds very uptight. How can you not get sand on a towel on the beach?

QueenofallIsee · 04/09/2013 10:18

she sounds like super fun {hmm]

HarumScarum · 04/09/2013 10:19

She does sound bonkers. YANBU. We go away with friends sometimes and I occasionally make DD adhere to rules that I usually cannot be arsed about on holiday, but it's things like washing her hands before lunch rather than complete lunacy...

allmycats · 04/09/2013 10:19

Poor kids - they must be stressed out all the time.
There are some wierd people around with kids, I coached athletics at a club where 3 kids from the same family were not allowed to do long jump as they weren't allowed to get sand in/on their clothing !!

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 04/09/2013 10:20

She sounds mad. Of course you weren't undermining her. If she was prepared to be rude to you, then I think I would have said to her 'why are you ruining your kids holiday over such trivial rubbish?'
This is why we go on holiday just as a family, not with other people

Therealamandaclarke · 04/09/2013 10:20

She sounds really stressed. I feel for her tbh. It sounds like she felt out if control. This was not about sand or grass IMHO.

YWVU for going on holiday with friends Grin you loon!

survivingthechildren · 04/09/2013 10:23

Errmmm... pardon me, I may be a little out of touch, but are beach towels not meant to get sandy?!

She's proper mad that one. Imagine wasting all that time and energy ragging on your children for such minor things.

flowery · 04/09/2013 10:23

I was going to say YABU if you were letting your kids climb up a slide while her kids were being told to use it properly, or stuff like that.

But based on your OP YANBU!

Nanny0gg · 04/09/2013 10:23

You took your children down to the water to play.

She joined you. You were there first, therefore your rules.

(I don't think you should have followed her crazy rules anyway, but the above is a simple explanation for her).

5madthings · 04/09/2013 10:24

yanbu she sounds horribly uptight/fussy.

if you camp near a beach you get sandy!

imo if you camp you need to be relaxed and not seeat the small stuff!

is she like this normally?

WilsonFrickett · 04/09/2013 10:24

I can see why she said it. But it doesn't mean she was right or you should change your style in any way. It sounds like she was at the end of her rope, but that was absolutely her own fault and problem.

The kids/sand/grass/tent continuum would drive me insane. So I don't camp. Because I understand I couldn't control the chaos. Sounds like she had a self-inflicted shit holiday and she was lashing out...

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/09/2013 10:25

:o

No towel on the sand?! Confused Confused

I don't know how you stuck it for the few days you had to listen to it.

When you are staying at the beach it is VERY IMPORTANT to have a layer of sand on you and everything you touch. Including your food.

Original poster
freddiefrog · 04/09/2013 10:25

We have been on holiday with them before, but usually we stay in separate accommodation so I've never really noticed the extent of it before.

Being in tents meant we could hear every single word and it all got very awkward and uncomfortable.

She's always quite uptight, but this was a surprise

I'm not entirely sure how you could go to the beach and not get sand on yourself. I hate the bloody stuff myself, it gets everywhere, but my head isn't going to fall off if I get some on me, and it really is no skin off my nose if someone else gets sand on them.

We were on holiday, I really can't be arsed with all that stress.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 04/09/2013 10:25

I am a bit Shock at towel on the sand.

Where was the towel supposed to go? Was there supposed to be a towel layer inbetween towel 1 and the sand? Or a sheet?

SupermansBigRedPants · 04/09/2013 10:26

Your friend was out of order. Her poor dc being sniped at :( I'm glad you stood your ground, your dc don't have to bow to your friends lunacy.

ExitPursuedByADragon · 04/09/2013 10:27

I had this with a woman I used to be friends with. Note the word used.

Her poor kids. She sounds like a bloody nightmare.

Bonsoir · 04/09/2013 10:28

Holidays with friends can be very hard due to minor differences in parenting or domestic standards. They begin to grate after a few days!

Having said that, your friend sounds freakishly fussy!

SarahAndFuck · 04/09/2013 10:29

We were near someone like this on the beach recently. We were also camping nearby

They had a little girl who looked about five. DS is four. He was running and playing and digging and paddling and collecting shells and everything else kids do on beaches.

She was sitting carefully on a towel and every time she tried to set foot on the sand she was told off for being naughty. Parents sat tapping on mobiles for the duration and only really spoke to her to tell her off. She didn't do anything, not build a sandcastle or get anywhere near the water.

Only time they took their eyes off their phones was to check she wasn't getting sand on herself or to glare at us every time our wet, sand covered DS caught their eyes.

DS saw her looking at a nice shell he had found and tried to give it to her. You would have thought he was passing her a grenade the way her parents insisted she didn't want it and couldn't take it.

Your friend is nuts. You don't go to a beach to avoid sand. You don't sleep in a field to avoid grass. You don't have children to avoid mess and confusion. You can shake the dry grass out of the beds, dust the sand off, wash the towel. Most campsites have showers to clean the kids up in.

You were not undermining her, you were just a very good example of how pointless her petty rules and fussing are. If she felt judged or undermined then it's because she realised for herself that she's getting it wrong.

And the whole campsite will have been cringing at them. The first night we camped we were next to a family who didn't stop telling off a girl named Emily. We heard them shouting her name and hectoring her so often I actually dreamed about them that night, I could hear them EM-EE-leeee-ing all night in my sleep.

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