WIBU to not stop my children doing the things that my friend was stopping her children doing?

[freddiefrog]

Sorry, title absolute guff, but I can't think how else to word it.

Have had a bit of a falling out with a friend and I just wondered if other people actually stopped their children doing things, just because their friends don't want their children doing it.

Have some very good friends, their girls are exactly the same age as my 2, they are lovely and we usually get on very well, however we're very different in our parenting - DH and I are quite laid back and relaxed, they're a lot stricter (I don't mean my kids are allowed to rampage round the place and run riot, we just don't sweat the small stuff).

We went camping with them last week, stayed on a lovely camp site right on the beach, with a pool, kids clubs, etc, etc. We picked the site together as we felt we could let the kids have fun and not have to be on their cases 24/7, we could all just relax and chill for a few days.

Friends spent the entire time telling their children off for stuff like having grass in their beds, putting a hairbrush in the wrong bag, moving a suitcase to the wrong place in the tent, constant stress about sand and sea water, etc - we're in tents, we and everyone else on the camp site could hear every word and it all got a bit uncomfortable.

Now, neither DH or I cared about any of this stuff, we just wanted a few days away to chill in the sun and let the kids knock themselves out before they go back to school. If they fill their beds with grass cuttings, they've got to sleep in it, if they cover themselves in sand/salt water, no one died.

It all came to a head one afternoon - I'd actually got sick of the constant picking and sniping so had taken my 2 off down the beach for some time out, friend came down and joined us about 20 minutes later. DD1 had been in the sea, came back up the beach, wrapped her towel around herself then sat down on the sand. Friend made some comment about "are you going to allow her to do that?". I asked her what she meant as I couldn't see what DD1 had done wrong and she replied "towel on the sand", I just kind of shrugged, as I wasn't bothered in the slightest.

She got very upset and started having a got at me about how I was undermining her in front of her kids by not backing her up - she basically felt that I should treat my children the same way she treated hers and I should stop mine going in the sea/getting covered with sand/etc when she did.

I refused - how she parents her children is up to her, I may not agree with her, but it's none of my business, and I won't stop my children doing things just because she doesn't like it.

So was I undermining her? Do people actually stop their kids doing simple stuff like going in the sea just because a friend doesn't want their kids going in the sea?

We were on holiday, we just wanted to relax and have fun and to be honest, I don't see why I should clamp down on my kids when I don't think there was anything wrong with the stuff they were doing

what did you say back to her?

I'd be a 4

I think I'd be a 2 4 as well. Luckily the friends I went on holiday with are about the same.

what did you say back to her?

Just that I didn't feel my 2 had done anything wrong, I was happy with their behaviour so wouldn't be stopping them doing things that I felt were perfectly normal behaviour. That my children were on holiday and were entitled to have fun and as long as the fun didn't hurt or annoy anyone else, then they were free to knock themselves out. Her kids, her rules, my kids, my rules.

She got a bit aerated and stormed back to the camp site. The girls and I came back an hour or so later and it was never mentioned again

Do you think your friend suffers from OCD OP? The fact that it made her uncomfortable enough that you didnt tidy your stuff away to keep mentioning it all week. Saying "are you going to allow her to do that?". about the towel and spending the "entire time telling their children off for stuff like having grass in their beds, putting a hairbrush in the wrong bag, moving a suitcase to the wrong place in the tent, constant stress about sand and sea water, etc"

However good the friends my rule has been never to go on holiday with them if they are not going to be laid back and relaxed.

I don't think so. BiL has OCD and this is very different, it's all very much about rituals and checking and double checking with him. Constant cleaning himself and his house - i.e. friend will clean her kitchen once, BiL will go back again and again as he's worried about missing a bit. It controls BiL, whereas she seems to be controlling if you see what I mean. I don't know, maybe

It's odd really, she has no problem with going on the beach and doesn't worry about getting sandy feet or paddling in the sea herself, but makes a huge fuss if her kids get sandy/wet.

It wasn't just tidyness/sand/salt water, she was constantly on their kids backs about everything and anything from the way they held golf clubs when we played crazy golf to stuff like what they spent their own pocket money on in the arcades (they weren't allowed to spend it on crap, they had to spend it on souvenirs for their family), and how her DD2 was standing when she was flying a kite.

It was just constant.

Just a bit of a control freak then?

Definitely not a relaxing holiday companion!

I feel so sorry for her kids!

YADNBU I have a friend who really struggles to parent her kids and therefore moans at them about everything. I always feel awkward around her as she'll rant at her kids for everything and I'm pretty laid back.

Ouch! YANBU.

We have different standards to ILs. We're on the don't sweat the small stuff side. They obsess over spills and getting clothes mucky etc. Their children can't play outside if it's slightly dampish incase they get muddy. I mentally raised an eyebrow that they didn't challenge them for walking on neighbours front gardens though!
Their younger DS is a little older than ours, and I've never seen him drink from an open cup incase he spills something, in fact I've never seen the 6yr old drink out of a regular cup without a staw. They bring sports bottles to ours. DS ends up drinking out of blooming sippy cups at theirs. They probably think we're shoddy and lazy. I think they babyfy. Sometimes we adapt out of etiquitte (we accept the fizzy orange, but dilute, then watch their children go hyper on the full strength), but you can't change your core values, that's not fair on the children.

can posters please please not cry OCD at the drop of a hat. unless its diagnosed by a professional then the person hasn't got it and you can't be a 'little but OCD anyway! it's like saying you have a little but if flu. nonsensical.

op never ever ever go on holiday with friends. 23 years if parenting has taught me that along with do what you think is good for your family set up and fuck the rest.

Who has said she might be 'a little bit OCD? '

thebody I disagree. Anything except death can be had on a sliding scale, from cancer to bad eyesight to obesity to anorexia to a dodgy thyroid to autism to ADHD to depression and therefore including OCD. And yes, flu. You either have it or you don't have it, but some people have it worse than others.

It's entirely possible to have OCD, or to display its traits very strongly without a diagnosis. After all, I imagine it existed before its label did.

I think there would be a bit of an MN outcry is you suggested that nobody's child could possibly have ASD or dyslexia unless and until they'd been diagnosed.

Apologies if I've missed this but were you in the same tent? If so i can see how the grass and sand and messy belongings would have got to her.

If not, then YANBU. Wish I were more laid back like you.

You can't just say 'never go away with friends' - that's nonsensical...!!

It is possible to have nice holidays with friends, even when they have different parenting styles to you. As long as everyone understands the we-parent-this-way-you-parent-that-way premise. And as long as you both take regular time out to do things as a family.

We're just back from a family holiday with friends, and it's fair to say our parenting styles are different. They let their DD jump on the bed, say. We don't tolerate it. They insist their DD wears reef shoes in the sea, we don't own reef shoes.

The kids don't bother complaining that they're being 'deprived' of something, because they know our rules apply to them, and the other family's rules apply to the them, and no correspondence will be entered into.

Christ, reading this back, it sounds unbearably smug. Apologies. It isn't meant to.

I just wanted to say that you don't necessarily have to ditch hols with friends entirely; you just have to be open about how you deal with things. However it may be entirely possible that this particular woman is just too bonkers the exception to the rule. Her way sounds miserable, for her as much as for her kids.

I don't understand how the relentless sand/grass-related panicking/admonishing/nagging can be preferable to the actual grass/sand.

Having read your OP I thought the DC were you get, in which case you would be responsible for making sure they have somewhere comfy to sleep but at 8 and 11 they know putting grass in their beds will make it uncomfortable!

YANBU!

What was her DH like? < far too interested, sorry>
Was he joining in with the "boot - camping" or kicking back with a beer letting her get on with it?
Obviously YWNBU IMHO, but I feel a bit for your friend. I wonder if she might be a bit low. I know that's a bit of a leap but the picture I'm building from your description is of someone who's really struggling.

Grandstanding. I'm not sure. I think it's hard enough being on holiday with my own DH tbh.

If you "can't be a little bit OCD anyway", someone really needs to tell NHS Choices to sort their shit out.

The severity of OCD can be determined by how much your symptoms affect your ability to function normally on a day-to-day basis.

Like all mental health conditions, it has varying severity and has a varying impact on people who have it.

I feel sorry for her kids too. I witnessed something like this when I was on holiday this year - we were on the beach and a dad was getting really angry with his son for getting covered in sand. It was unbelievable. These parents seem to want to ruin their kids' childhood. Part of the joy of an outdoors holiday is that you don't mind about the mess.

We know some parents like that. The kids are really, really anxious, perhaps because they get told off constantly for perfectly normal stuff.

YANBU.

hackmum

or you go to pebbly beaches

I would say, in fact, that if anyone was undermining anyone else's parenting it was she, and what's more she did so in front of your DD when she challenged you to correct her dreadful breach of towel/beach etiquette. (In my head, she said "Are you going to let her do that?" in quite a challenging way, but of course that could be just the spin my subconscious has put on it...)

Gertbythesea - separate tents. We had a tent each, side by side with a gazebo in the middle and a wind break at each end. You actually couldn't really see the porch bit of our tent unless you were right outside the windbreaks. The tents were side on to each other and we were using the side entrances

A small evil part of me wanted to sneak into their tent while they were in the shower and move all the bags around, but I figured the kids would get blamed for it and she wouldn't see the funny side.

And she had no problem with her kids coming into our tent and filling ours with grass cuttings and sand, she just didn't want them in hers.

Therealamandaclarke her DH is fine, he more than pulls his weight, he doesn't just leave her to it, but several times I overheard him telling her to chill out and cut the kids some slack

We have had successful holidays together and our kids usually have a great time together, but we've always had separate apartments/hotel rooms. 7 days sharing a small space and not being able to shut ourselves in our room for half an hour took its toll I think. I probably got right on her nerves as well

She shouldn't have berated you for your "parenting style"
But I think she was anxious and a bit low IMHO.

In your position (not that you asked, I know) I would take round and catch up as friends once the sand dust has settled a bit.