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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to not stop my children doing the things that my friend was stopping her children doing?

150 replies

freddiefrog · 04/09/2013 10:11

Sorry, title absolute guff, but I can't think how else to word it.

Have had a bit of a falling out with a friend and I just wondered if other people actually stopped their children doing things, just because their friends don't want their children doing it.

Have some very good friends, their girls are exactly the same age as my 2, they are lovely and we usually get on very well, however we're very different in our parenting - DH and I are quite laid back and relaxed, they're a lot stricter (I don't mean my kids are allowed to rampage round the place and run riot, we just don't sweat the small stuff).

We went camping with them last week, stayed on a lovely camp site right on the beach, with a pool, kids clubs, etc, etc. We picked the site together as we felt we could let the kids have fun and not have to be on their cases 24/7, we could all just relax and chill for a few days.

Friends spent the entire time telling their children off for stuff like having grass in their beds, putting a hairbrush in the wrong bag, moving a suitcase to the wrong place in the tent, constant stress about sand and sea water, etc - we're in tents, we and everyone else on the camp site could hear every word and it all got a bit uncomfortable.

Now, neither DH or I cared about any of this stuff, we just wanted a few days away to chill in the sun and let the kids knock themselves out before they go back to school. If they fill their beds with grass cuttings, they've got to sleep in it, if they cover themselves in sand/salt water, no one died.

It all came to a head one afternoon - I'd actually got sick of the constant picking and sniping so had taken my 2 off down the beach for some time out, friend came down and joined us about 20 minutes later. DD1 had been in the sea, came back up the beach, wrapped her towel around herself then sat down on the sand. Friend made some comment about "are you going to allow her to do that?". I asked her what she meant as I couldn't see what DD1 had done wrong and she replied "towel on the sand", I just kind of shrugged, as I wasn't bothered in the slightest.

She got very upset and started having a got at me about how I was undermining her in front of her kids by not backing her up - she basically felt that I should treat my children the same way she treated hers and I should stop mine going in the sea/getting covered with sand/etc when she did.

I refused - how she parents her children is up to her, I may not agree with her, but it's none of my business, and I won't stop my children doing things just because she doesn't like it.

So was I undermining her? Do people actually stop their kids doing simple stuff like going in the sea just because a friend doesn't want their kids going in the sea?

We were on holiday, we just wanted to relax and have fun and to be honest, I don't see why I should clamp down on my kids when I don't think there was anything wrong with the stuff they were doing

OP posts:
DuckToWater · 04/09/2013 16:46

This is why we don't go on holiday with friends at all.

Original poster
freddiefrog · 04/09/2013 19:06

I'd read half your OP and I was all ready to say that you must be one of those really annoying lax parents who do let their children run riot, and make it difficult for anyone else who has reasonable standards to be consistent with theirs, without looking like the big bad wolf.

No, I really don't allow my children to run riot and misbehave. I just can't get worked up over a sandy towel, an icecreamy face and a few grass cuttings in a sleeping bag.

I just don't think it's worth the time and energy to get worked up about, I mean, fine if friend wants to, but I don't. I simply don't care enough and wouldn't let her enforce her rules and restrictions on us.

For example, we have an open porch at the front of our tent and our kids chucked all their body boards, crabbing nets, buckets and spades, football, cricket bat, etc under there. Friend's were all packed away in carrier bags every time and the kids were constantly bollocked if they didn't put stuff back in the right bag. Every day she tried to get me to put our stuff away tidily. I really didn't see the point, the kids only drag it all out again, it's not harming anyone and we just slung it all in the car when we left. But she kept mentioning it all week. They're our belongings and our tent.

I wouldn't go so far to say she ruined our holiday, but the constant carping and nitpicking got right up my nose and it was all a bit tense and awkward. Certainly not the relaxing, fun break we had planned.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 04/09/2013 19:10

raving barking

exexpat · 04/09/2013 19:14

She nagged an adult friend about keeping their own tent tidy? Shock

She has issues. Is she like that at home - immaculate house, toys all tidied away instantly, rushes round with coasters?

Original poster
freddiefrog · 04/09/2013 19:19

Yes, she is a bit.

This is making her sound awful. They're both really lovely, kind people. But perhaps, spending any length of time in close quarters shouldn't be attempted again.

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 04/09/2013 19:19

I was also thinking what SubliminalMassaging was thinking, before I read the OP, but have also come to the conclusion that YANBU

There are very very few friends/family I can go on holiday with

solarbright · 04/09/2013 19:21

Mine are usually covered in: one layer sunscreen, one layer ice cream, one layer seawater, one layer sand. It makes me cringe, but does look fun. Your friend needs to calm herself considerably.

Jengnr · 04/09/2013 19:22

How was it left after she told you off for 'undermining' her Freddie?

Crowler · 04/09/2013 19:24

Blimey.

YANBU.

How old are the kids, by the way?

Original poster
freddiefrog · 04/09/2013 19:29

Mine are usually covered in: one layer sunscreen, one layer ice cream, one layer seawater, one layer sand.

Pretty much how mine 2 were. I hate it, and you get sticky every time you touch one of them, but if they're happy it's up to them and we just showered them off before bed each night.

Jengnr We haven't really spoken since.

It was very strained the last couple of days away, and I texted to say we'd packed a pair of her DD2's flipflops by mistake but we haven't heard anything. I'm annoyed with her and think she really over stepped the mark, but I'm not holding any grudges

OP posts:
Original poster
freddiefrog · 04/09/2013 19:29

They're 8 and 11, theirs and ours.

OP posts:
elsie07 · 04/09/2013 19:33

We used to go on holiday with our friends every year and it was really lovely although we didn't parent in the same way, it still worked, until the summer it didn't. Eldest son was in a particularly acute "I HATE MY PARENTS" phase and so spent all holiday ignoring us and doing everything with them. This led to me getting defensive and upset and being a pain. It was shite. We've managed to retain our friendship by never holidaying with them again.

Maybe your friend just really hates beaches, I know I do. (And her kids).

SPBisResisting · 04/09/2013 19:40

Do you know what the problem was? Not enough wine :o

Original poster
freddiefrog · 04/09/2013 19:46
Grin

I don't want to be spending half the night too-ing and fro-ing across a field to the toilets though

OP posts:
solarbright · 04/09/2013 19:52

I think the sand helps get them clean when you shower them. Sort of exfoliates off all the other stuff! And if you get enough ice cream on yourself, I think it acts as sunblock.

DragonsAreReal · 04/09/2013 19:53

The holiday with friends rule is 3 NIGHTS MAXIMUM otherwise it doesn't work. And alcohol lots and lots of alcohol!

CreatureRetorts · 04/09/2013 19:57

Why the jeff did she go camping?

LOONY WOMAN.

Is she on MN?!

shockers · 04/09/2013 19:58

Oh bum Dragons. After a very successful 5 nights, we've just booked a 12 nighter for next year with some friends.

I'd better make the most of the friendship while I still have the chance...

mikkii · 04/09/2013 19:58

We have just come back fom holiday in Spain. Between the family we have a couple of flats. This year we stayed in the other one to usual, with MIL.

On arrival, she gave me some towels for the pool/beach.

When SIL was leaving I was "advised" that we were using "their" towels, which are not allowed on the beach as they get too dirty Confused

I mentioned this to MIL who questioned ownership of said towels. We went to a shop and she bought each of my DC their own towels which she as said she will put away in her own wardrobe so we will now not accidentally dirty the wrong towels!

shockers · 04/09/2013 19:58

Missed out a vital comma there Blush

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 04/09/2013 20:02

g+t is a great camping drinks- less loo trips needed than when drinking wine or beer!

Your friend sounds so uptight! I'd imagined your dc to be half the ages that they are. At those ages, surely they can decide if they're happy to have a sandy towel or not! As for telling you to tidy your tent - I'm speechless!

Enjoy any future camping trips without this family in tow!

Original poster
freddiefrog · 04/09/2013 20:07

The holiday with friends rule is 3 NIGHTS MAXIMUM otherwise it doesn't work.

Actually, I think you're on to something.

It was day 4 when she really began to get on my tits and the row was afternoon of day 5

Thing is, we have had successful holidays with them before, but always in separate accommodation, so if she ever speaks to me again, it'll be separate campsites from now on

OP posts:
EugenesAxe · 04/09/2013 20:11

I vaguely have this issue. Although lovely and well chilled about many things, my friend has squealed at DS eating his toes, weeing in the garden border, deciding to pull his trousers down at a playgroup (although I stopped him, it didn't make me freak at the sight of it) and has emptied a paddling pool because her DD had a wee in it. To be fair she was at the tail end of toilet training and I think was making a statement to make her DD understand it wasn't acceptable (she was past the clap madly at any success stage)... but I wouldn't have given a damn if it had been mine; I care more about preserving water. I also have it a bit with MIL - DCs are put in clothes in the morning and unless they piss on, shit on or saturate them in some way, they aren't changed. I got 'I think DD needs some new leggings' drifting upstairs to me the other day, when she'd just dropped a bit of porridge on them - sod that.

She had no right anyway. She needs to say 'I'm your parent and you do as I say' and suck up any response from her DCs if she wants to care that much about piddly little things.

whatevs123 · 04/09/2013 20:22

She sounds as mad as fish.

exexpat · 04/09/2013 20:34

I've survived and enjoyed holidays of more than three days with friends, but you do have to be very sure you are compatible in terms of housekeeping standards, eating habits, children's behaviour and - most importantly - alcohol consumption.

I wonder if there might be a market for an online holiday compatibility test, to be taken anonymously and matched up with your proposed holiday companions? 'Describe your house on a scale of one to ten, where one = call in Kim and Aggie and/or Rentokil, and 10 = ready for estate agents to show round at any time/no one looking at my living room would believe I have children'