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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to not stop my children doing the things that my friend was stopping her children doing?

150 replies

freddiefrog · 04/09/2013 10:11

Sorry, title absolute guff, but I can't think how else to word it.

Have had a bit of a falling out with a friend and I just wondered if other people actually stopped their children doing things, just because their friends don't want their children doing it.

Have some very good friends, their girls are exactly the same age as my 2, they are lovely and we usually get on very well, however we're very different in our parenting - DH and I are quite laid back and relaxed, they're a lot stricter (I don't mean my kids are allowed to rampage round the place and run riot, we just don't sweat the small stuff).

We went camping with them last week, stayed on a lovely camp site right on the beach, with a pool, kids clubs, etc, etc. We picked the site together as we felt we could let the kids have fun and not have to be on their cases 24/7, we could all just relax and chill for a few days.

Friends spent the entire time telling their children off for stuff like having grass in their beds, putting a hairbrush in the wrong bag, moving a suitcase to the wrong place in the tent, constant stress about sand and sea water, etc - we're in tents, we and everyone else on the camp site could hear every word and it all got a bit uncomfortable.

Now, neither DH or I cared about any of this stuff, we just wanted a few days away to chill in the sun and let the kids knock themselves out before they go back to school. If they fill their beds with grass cuttings, they've got to sleep in it, if they cover themselves in sand/salt water, no one died.

It all came to a head one afternoon - I'd actually got sick of the constant picking and sniping so had taken my 2 off down the beach for some time out, friend came down and joined us about 20 minutes later. DD1 had been in the sea, came back up the beach, wrapped her towel around herself then sat down on the sand. Friend made some comment about "are you going to allow her to do that?". I asked her what she meant as I couldn't see what DD1 had done wrong and she replied "towel on the sand", I just kind of shrugged, as I wasn't bothered in the slightest.

She got very upset and started having a got at me about how I was undermining her in front of her kids by not backing her up - she basically felt that I should treat my children the same way she treated hers and I should stop mine going in the sea/getting covered with sand/etc when she did.

I refused - how she parents her children is up to her, I may not agree with her, but it's none of my business, and I won't stop my children doing things just because she doesn't like it.

So was I undermining her? Do people actually stop their kids doing simple stuff like going in the sea just because a friend doesn't want their kids going in the sea?

We were on holiday, we just wanted to relax and have fun and to be honest, I don't see why I should clamp down on my kids when I don't think there was anything wrong with the stuff they were doing

OP posts:
Therealamandaclarke · 04/09/2013 10:30

The thing is, when ppl get stressed about stuff, it's not because they enjoy being stressed.

Maybe she tried as hard as she could. Went along with a camping holiday and thought she could handle it.

Seaweedy · 04/09/2013 10:30

YANBU in the least, but you know that! She sounds somewhat obsessive in her pursuit of Clean and Tidy children. I have to say that the 'Are you going to allow that?' comment would drive me mad, and see me daubing my children with mud and encouraging them them to sleep in a dot of grass cutting if they wanted. Honestly, a towel not allowed on the sand? On a beach???

A nicer side of me suspects she hates camping, and feels upset and thrown out of her comfort zone by not being in her own house, hence the obsession with losing hair brushes etc...

Seaweedy · 04/09/2013 10:31

A FOOT of grass cuttings, not a dot. Grr.

EllesAngel · 04/09/2013 10:32

The towel is supposed to hover about an inch above the sand of course WinkGrin

YANBU

belatedmaybe · 04/09/2013 10:34

I have been in this situation once, it annoyed hec out of me and I confess to getting really quite p.a. In the end. "Dd please could you not. ..." "sorry, I know you are normally allowed but X doesn't want her dd doing it and it is unfair for them to sit and watch you having all the fun"

Yes I was horrible but they were completely ruining the break and the eye rolling and judging was unreal. Needless to say there was no contact from any of us after the holiday. I would never share a holiday with another parent unless I was 100% confident of them now.

YouTheCat · 04/09/2013 10:34

I want a hover towel! Grin

I can understand her being stressed if she was not comfortable with the surroundings but having a go at the OP for not being exactly the same is just daft.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/09/2013 10:37

I want a hover towel too :o

Mine will still be covered in sand, despite its hovering qualities.

SarahBumBarer · 04/09/2013 10:37

Gosh - I was expecting to say YABU but actually your friend is ridiculously anal.

I do get a bit frustrated occassionally with a couple of my friends who as part of their non "relaxed" parenting style allow their kids to do stuff that is downright rude or dangerous which my two then want to copy (the one who once told me that she thought I was being a bit harsh not allowing my toddler to stand on the dinner table given that she was allowing her toddler to do it while we were eating certainly felt the sharp edge of my tongue) but not stuff of the nature set out in the OP.

Mamatomanymunchkins · 04/09/2013 10:39

I'm with wilson ~ camping not for me so wouldn't do it ~ but if for one insane moment I did, well, it's almost obligatory to get as mucky as you can ~ she sounds a bit crazy tbh Confused

We went on hols with friends before and it was a disaster from beginning to end (sharing chalet at Centre Parcs) ~ never again, lesson learned!

Original poster
freddiefrog · 04/09/2013 10:39

The towel/sand rules were - they were allowed to wrap themselves in a towel, but only if they stood, or sat on a sand-free rock.

They camp regularly, far more often than our once a year foray, so you'd think she'd be used to the chaos

To be honest, camping is not my favourite pastime either. I went under duress and while I don't want grass cuttings/sand in my bed, I really don't care what other people fill their beds up with. As long as I can find the hair brush when I need it, I don't care what bag it's put in

Even when we went out away from the site there was constant stress - icecream on mouths, a kite put in the wrong place in the car boot.

It drove me crazy

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 04/09/2013 10:41

Young children with ice cream round their mouths!? The horror! The shame! Grin

whatever5 · 04/09/2013 10:42

We don't sit on our beach towels or get them very sandy (sit on beach mats) as I prefer to dry myself with a cleanish towel rather than a very sandy one. Couldn't care less what other people do though.

It's not a safety issue. It's just personal preference and your friend was being very unreasonable to expect you to do what she would do. I would think twice about what activities you do with her in the future as she is obviously very different to you.

Davsmum · 04/09/2013 10:42

I think your friend is probably jealous of your more relaxed attitude. She sounds obsessive. She had a go at you because she knows she is unable to be like you.
When people are like that its because of anxiety and she would prefer you were the same - This would make her feel more 'normal'

Of course you were not undermining her. You could just as well tell her that she was making your kids feel uncomfortable the way she was 'picking' on and restricting her kids!

I would tell her that you are not bothered by these things and its up to her if she puts order & tidiness before her kids feelings and their chance for some fun.

duchessandscruffy · 04/09/2013 10:44

I thought this thread might be 'I was letting little Archie run riot around the restaurant because he is such a free spirit and I don't like to stunt his need to burn off all that energy, but my friend wasn't letting her kids do the same and asked me to stop'.

YANBU, your friend is a loon.

Original poster
freddiefrog · 04/09/2013 10:45

Sarahbumbarer god, no, mine aren't allowed to do anything like that either. They have to behave and be polite.

I just don't sweat the small stuff like sandy feet and immaculate appearance

OP posts:
Purple2012 · 04/09/2013 10:45

Wow. And I thought I was strict. She is way too strict. My SD mum is like this, no diry allowed etc. A bit of dirt doesn't hurt anyone and kids love to play and get mucky and wet.

Ev1lEdna · 04/09/2013 10:45

I think she was wrong to expect you to conform to her parenting style. Occasionally I am more strict with my boys than parents around me for example stopping them climbing on something while the other kids are allowed to (occasionally I am more laid back than others) in neither situation do I expect the other parent to do exactly the same thing with THEIR children. My children - my responsibility, their children - their responsibility. The only exception I would make to this is if they are actually harming of annoying someone else, then I probably would expect them to intervene.

Fakebook · 04/09/2013 10:48

Maybe she has a hover board to put her towel on? Confused.

Sounds like a weirdo.

Therealamandaclarke · 04/09/2013 10:49

Does she have a BASTARD Mirena?

Just saying?

Budgiegirlbob · 04/09/2013 10:50

I admit I can get a bit stressy with my (very) messy kids when we are camping, and I do like things to have a place in the tent, and then for them to be put back there after. But its only to avoid the constant barrage of 3 kids shouting "Mum, have you seen the hairbrush/toothbrush/scissors?" or whatever else it may be they have lost!

I couldn't generally give a stuff about grass/sand in the tent, or getting sand on towels, it'll brush off again later! And I certainly would never think another parent was undermining my authority if they let their kids behave differently to mine.

teenagetantrums · 04/09/2013 10:51

I went on holiday with a friend many years ago, who did not want her child playing on the grass in the garden as there might be rabbit poo on in, bunnies were everywhere, honestly its holiday don't sweat the small stuff. Her poor child had to stay inside while mine played outside, she did not like it. last holiday we had together

Floggingmolly · 04/09/2013 10:51

Total loon. Why would it not work the other way; her taking your lead? She sounds like a miserable nag, those instances you mention were not even worthy of comment, never mind the basis of a row. Poor kids Sad

LadyBigtoes · 04/09/2013 10:53

As others have said this is what happens on shared holidays unless you are a really close match. On our last shared holiday I was the uptight one as I was saying nitpicky things to my DC like no shoes on the (rented cottage) sofa and put your own lolly wrapper in the bin, while the other family's DC were doing things like throwing stones and hitting people with sticks and not being stopped. So I felt like the one who was supposed to chill out, but OTOH I just didn't agree with their parenting.

I'm pretty sure I wasn't as bad as your friend (and that the other family weren't comparable to you!) but it was the mismatch that was the problem.

However, she tried to get you to fall in line with with her and that is out of order. No one can tell you not to get your own beach towel sandy - that's bonkers!

exexpat · 04/09/2013 10:53

This is one of the reasons I no longer go on holiday with my sister - my DCs are allowed to jump into the swimming pool, climb things I know they are perfectly capable of climbing, use penknives (carefully) etc, and I'm not prepared to stop them just because her DCs are constantly being told the same things are dangerous.

She is obviously anxious and is unlikely to change or feel comfortable around people with different attitudes, so I think you just have to make sure you never go on holidays or outings with her again. I doubt that you'd want to anyway...

Yonihadtoask · 04/09/2013 10:57

Blimey.

YWBVVVVU to ever holiday with this woman again. She sounds like hard work.

I am one of those who doesn't like mess, and wouldn't go camping - due to said mess. However if she does it regularly how on earth does she cope?

Crazy!