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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to not stop my children doing the things that my friend was stopping her children doing?

150 replies

freddiefrog · 04/09/2013 10:11

Sorry, title absolute guff, but I can't think how else to word it.

Have had a bit of a falling out with a friend and I just wondered if other people actually stopped their children doing things, just because their friends don't want their children doing it.

Have some very good friends, their girls are exactly the same age as my 2, they are lovely and we usually get on very well, however we're very different in our parenting - DH and I are quite laid back and relaxed, they're a lot stricter (I don't mean my kids are allowed to rampage round the place and run riot, we just don't sweat the small stuff).

We went camping with them last week, stayed on a lovely camp site right on the beach, with a pool, kids clubs, etc, etc. We picked the site together as we felt we could let the kids have fun and not have to be on their cases 24/7, we could all just relax and chill for a few days.

Friends spent the entire time telling their children off for stuff like having grass in their beds, putting a hairbrush in the wrong bag, moving a suitcase to the wrong place in the tent, constant stress about sand and sea water, etc - we're in tents, we and everyone else on the camp site could hear every word and it all got a bit uncomfortable.

Now, neither DH or I cared about any of this stuff, we just wanted a few days away to chill in the sun and let the kids knock themselves out before they go back to school. If they fill their beds with grass cuttings, they've got to sleep in it, if they cover themselves in sand/salt water, no one died.

It all came to a head one afternoon - I'd actually got sick of the constant picking and sniping so had taken my 2 off down the beach for some time out, friend came down and joined us about 20 minutes later. DD1 had been in the sea, came back up the beach, wrapped her towel around herself then sat down on the sand. Friend made some comment about "are you going to allow her to do that?". I asked her what she meant as I couldn't see what DD1 had done wrong and she replied "towel on the sand", I just kind of shrugged, as I wasn't bothered in the slightest.

She got very upset and started having a got at me about how I was undermining her in front of her kids by not backing her up - she basically felt that I should treat my children the same way she treated hers and I should stop mine going in the sea/getting covered with sand/etc when she did.

I refused - how she parents her children is up to her, I may not agree with her, but it's none of my business, and I won't stop my children doing things just because she doesn't like it.

So was I undermining her? Do people actually stop their kids doing simple stuff like going in the sea just because a friend doesn't want their kids going in the sea?

We were on holiday, we just wanted to relax and have fun and to be honest, I don't see why I should clamp down on my kids when I don't think there was anything wrong with the stuff they were doing

OP posts:
Original poster
freddiefrog · 04/09/2013 11:03

No, I'm definitely never going camping with them again.

We've been on holiday with them before but we've always had separate apartments so it's never got on my nerves.

It wouldn't have been so bad if we could get away from it. In a tent you can hear every word and they just don't seem to be able to go off and amuse themselves for a couple of hours

It's funny really, in other ways she's far more relaxed than I am. I had a shit-fit when DH let our youngest go out on a kayak on her own and insisted he tied a rope to hers in case she got swept away, even though the water was only knee deep and she was wearing a life jacket, so friend probably thinks I'm a pain in the arse nag as well Grin

OP posts:
hatsybatsy · 04/09/2013 11:06

clearly YANBU.

We all have our own parenting methods - hers sound bananas.

Had a similar issue on holiday when the kids were little - 2 of the families (including us) were happy to sit and have a drink after dinner (with kids sleeping in buggies) but she insisted on going back to the room and putting hers to bed. And was very cats bum face at us when we didn't do the same..... we haven't holidayed together since.

ViviPru · 04/09/2013 11:12

I camp regularly and like things being orderly, and insist DH does things the right (my) way I find it's it's the only way to cope. That said, I'm conscious of this and tone it right down if we're in company, and would never DREAM of dictating to a friend, she was being massively U. Davsmum makes some good points.

TVTonight · 04/09/2013 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DanicaJones · 04/09/2013 11:25

I am wary about going on holiday with friends at all, but if i did it would have to be with people who parented similarly. Your friend sounds so anal. What is wrong with getting sand on a towel? We use beach towels to lie on on the beach. I am quite a relaxed parent myself, but i have a friend who is too relaxed IMO. ie she allows her 10 year old son to be really rude, call her a fat hag etc. Shock Never says no to them which has made them really spoilt and grabby. I do find it hard work, but i love my friend so i ignore most of it. Wouldn't go on hol with her though.

cory · 04/09/2013 11:26

Cuts both ways, doesn't it? She was undermining your parenting by not doing things exactly your way and you are terribly cut up about it but you might just manage to forgive her if she promises never to do it again. Wink

DanicaJones · 04/09/2013 11:30

Oh and the 10 year old son i mentioned was calling my dd the R word. (Really offensive word for a person with SN.) My friend didn't say anything. Sad I had to explain to my dds when we got home how offensive this word is and how they must never repeat it.

Floggingmolly · 04/09/2013 11:37

Why did you wait till you'd gotten home, Danica? It was your friend who needed to hear it most. How could you sit in silence when your "friend's" dc verbally abused your child? Confused

Damnautocorrect · 04/09/2013 11:49

Yanbu, wait until she actually has something to moan to her kids for. I spend alot of time reminding my oh of ds's age, so he lowers his expectations and remembers for them life's an adventure for them, and unless its major most things can be sorted.

You weren't undermining her, you were letting your kids be kids

GrimmaTheNome · 04/09/2013 12:04

YANBU, of course.

And about the kayak - you don't say how old your DC are but if they're small and may not be able to paddle effectively and steer, and you're on the sea and you aren't certain about currents (and of course depends on onshore/offshore wind too) - then having a rope is entirely sensible. Because unlike a bit of grass or sand, there's a real safety issue.

DanicaJones · 04/09/2013 12:19

Because I didn't know about it until my dd told me when i got home Flogging Confused

Original poster
freddiefrog · 04/09/2013 12:21

Cuts both ways, doesn't it? She was undermining your parenting by not doing things exactly your way and you are terribly cut up about it but you might just manage to forgive her if she promises never to do it again

That's true Grin

will have to point that out if she ever brings it up again. And I don't think mine were doing anything wrong. Just having fun and being kids

Thing is, the kids don't take very much notice of her, as soon as they're out of eye/ear shot, they do whatever anyway, and, in my opinion, stuff that is much worse than a bit of sand on feet or icecream round a mouth

Gimma she's 8, but to be fair, she would have been fine, she can't paddle so she was just splashing around in the shallows and DH was standing in the water right next to her. I was just flapping

OP posts:
LadyBigtoes · 04/09/2013 12:44

O Danica :( Not as bad, but I had the child of other family telling mine that gays were bad and lesbians "10 times worse" Angry. I'd be angry anyway, but "lesbians" is DS's beloved aunties. It was me who had to put him right on that.

It does get v. exhausting ..

canyoulookatthis · 04/09/2013 12:50

This is why I never go away with friends!

Thepowerof3 · 04/09/2013 12:53

She sounds like she is having some stress problems as she doesn't seem to be thinking straight, don't most people put towels down on the beach?

digerd · 04/09/2013 13:16

Just reminds me of the last time I went onto a beach with teenage DD.
It was very windy and the sand was very fine and dry and flew into everything. The worst was into our sandwiches and were eating the wretched stuff. That was time to go back to hotel pool and stay there.

monkeymamma · 04/09/2013 14:18

Towel on sand? Wtaf? I she's a good friend I think you need to talk to her about why she might be feeling so very anxious. No Towel on sand sounds almost obsessive.

MoominMammasHandbag · 04/09/2013 14:48

Am I the only one who would never put a towel on the sand? We have those roll up raffia mats: I wouldn't want to dry myself with a sandy towel...

ToysRLuv · 04/09/2013 14:55

I fell out with my very good friend, because she was insisting I parent the same way and have exactly the same rules as she had for her dc. While I don't allow ds to hurt anyone or destroy stuff, or allow him to do stuff that is excessively rude or dangerous for his very young age, I don't sweat the small stuff.

"Friend" stated that ds was a whingy brat (funny how nobody else thinks this!). I cut off contact then. It's a shame for the children, but what can you do. She has form for this: Sacks nannies at the drop of a hat etc..

Retroformica · 04/09/2013 15:01

We have good boundaries and discipline in our family unit BUT we don't sweat the small stuff either. We don't care about sand on towels etc. a bit of mess equals fun to me.

I think your friend is being pedantic and also unreasonable to expect you to run you family the same as hers

zatyaballerina · 04/09/2013 15:05

Ywnbu, she's not entitled to have other peoples parenting changed to make her neuroses look less silly and pointless. It's bad enough that her children had to suffer.

GrimmaTheNome · 04/09/2013 16:04

moomin - that's fine, but would you care too much if your DC put their towel on the sand, let alone someone else's child?

Noteveryday · 04/09/2013 16:13

I hate sand to the point that I start shivering if it is in my shoes. If we are in a park and there is a sandpit, the children are not allowed in it and I am viewed as a massive killjoy. However at the beach they can roll in it for all I care. And I don't care about dirt or any other crap.

However I have a relative who tells my children off for picking up sticks. WTF is that about.

SignoraStronza · 04/09/2013 16:37

YANBU op. Would only go on holiday with people who have a similar parenting style and would be mutually agreeable to giving each others kids a bollocking along with our own

SubliminalMassaging · 04/09/2013 16:42

I'd read half your OP and I was all ready to say that you must be one of those really annoying lax parents who do let their children run riot, and make it difficult for anyone else who has reasonable standards to be consistent with theirs, without looking like the big bad wolf.

I HATE that.

hoever, if what you are saying is true, then you just sound normal and well balanced, and you know how to prioritise and pick your battles, whereas she sounds like a bit of an uptight loon.

YANBU. And this is why I hate going on holiday with friends and their children.