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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to not stop my children doing the things that my friend was stopping her children doing?

150 replies

freddiefrog · 04/09/2013 10:11

Sorry, title absolute guff, but I can't think how else to word it.

Have had a bit of a falling out with a friend and I just wondered if other people actually stopped their children doing things, just because their friends don't want their children doing it.

Have some very good friends, their girls are exactly the same age as my 2, they are lovely and we usually get on very well, however we're very different in our parenting - DH and I are quite laid back and relaxed, they're a lot stricter (I don't mean my kids are allowed to rampage round the place and run riot, we just don't sweat the small stuff).

We went camping with them last week, stayed on a lovely camp site right on the beach, with a pool, kids clubs, etc, etc. We picked the site together as we felt we could let the kids have fun and not have to be on their cases 24/7, we could all just relax and chill for a few days.

Friends spent the entire time telling their children off for stuff like having grass in their beds, putting a hairbrush in the wrong bag, moving a suitcase to the wrong place in the tent, constant stress about sand and sea water, etc - we're in tents, we and everyone else on the camp site could hear every word and it all got a bit uncomfortable.

Now, neither DH or I cared about any of this stuff, we just wanted a few days away to chill in the sun and let the kids knock themselves out before they go back to school. If they fill their beds with grass cuttings, they've got to sleep in it, if they cover themselves in sand/salt water, no one died.

It all came to a head one afternoon - I'd actually got sick of the constant picking and sniping so had taken my 2 off down the beach for some time out, friend came down and joined us about 20 minutes later. DD1 had been in the sea, came back up the beach, wrapped her towel around herself then sat down on the sand. Friend made some comment about "are you going to allow her to do that?". I asked her what she meant as I couldn't see what DD1 had done wrong and she replied "towel on the sand", I just kind of shrugged, as I wasn't bothered in the slightest.

She got very upset and started having a got at me about how I was undermining her in front of her kids by not backing her up - she basically felt that I should treat my children the same way she treated hers and I should stop mine going in the sea/getting covered with sand/etc when she did.

I refused - how she parents her children is up to her, I may not agree with her, but it's none of my business, and I won't stop my children doing things just because she doesn't like it.

So was I undermining her? Do people actually stop their kids doing simple stuff like going in the sea just because a friend doesn't want their kids going in the sea?

We were on holiday, we just wanted to relax and have fun and to be honest, I don't see why I should clamp down on my kids when I don't think there was anything wrong with the stuff they were doing

OP posts:

SilverApples · 05/09/2013 09:15

I have two adult children. DS loves camping. DD hasn't looked back since she discovered room service. Sounds like a similar mismatch.

Weegiemum · 05/09/2013 09:44

We have some good friends (seem to have managed to retain the friendship) who we will never holiday with again.

We're on the laid-back side (though our dc don't think so!!) and they've done GF routines from day 0. Our lot pitch up at he table and at what everyone is eating - they have pic ally prepared children's food (and no there are no allergies etc) (and you should have seen the mums face when dd2 devoured a bowl of moules a la mariniere ).

The problem was, nought, with the routines. We couldn't have a whole day out because it was essential that little Freddie (*not his real name) must have a 47 minute nap in his own cot - no kidding, they had dismantled his actual cot and brought it. Every meal was a flurry of how many ml of MLK someone had drunk, it was 10 mins too late to eat, how are weever going to get back in time for bath time etc.

I'd booked the house - and hadn't checked about blackout blinds (which we don't have/need). I was berated every day about this. And I was "insensitive" for breast feeding when they didn't. And didn't I know the dangers of putting dc in a swing/taking them swimming/letting them walk without holding my hand.

We only went with them once, never again (that was about 9 years ago).

valiumredhead · 05/09/2013 09:57

Never go on holiday with friends!

She sounds very highly strung

ScrambledSmegs · 05/09/2013 09:59

Any chance there's more going on in her personal life than you're aware of? An acquaintance (met through kids) because very stressed out and difficult to be around for a while, I started avoiding her as did some others.

Turns out her DH had been diagnosed with a serious disease. He died less than a year later

FetchezLaVache · 05/09/2013 10:10

Weegiemum

I'm amazed you've managed to retain that friendship! You must be the forgiving kind.

ScrambledSmegs · 05/09/2013 10:13

But hopefully the chances of that are very low and in fact she really is just incredibly uptight! Sorry, that was probably the posting equivalent of bringing up the Nazis/I wish my -insert relative- was still alive to bully me/be grateful you HAVE legs on this thread

I bet she wanted you to fall in line with her rules so that she would look less uptight to her kids. The problem is it seems they're already onto her (from your posts) therefore you going through a charade and pretending to have rules about towels on sand wouldn't have made any difference.

Crowler · 05/09/2013 10:54

I think the problem with going on holiday with someone who has OCD tendencies is that they're normally proud of it, and may have a related superiority complex along with it.

As the holiday progresses, they will begin to puff up their OCD tendencies in a bid to draw a sharp contrast between your way and theirs.

I have a friend who weirdly, is always talking about what a neat freak she is, but she's actually not. When we have gone on holiday together, she is a markedly more active cleaner than she is at home; I am the reverse. It leads to tension, because there's an after-breakfast/lunch/dinner show for the entire house to absorb.

We don't go on holiday with them anymore.

Therealamandaclarke · 05/09/2013 14:18

Good point crowler

Tailtwister · 05/09/2013 14:40

She sounds like she needs to relax a little. How on earth can you camp near a beach and not get sand and grass in the tent? It's part of camping!

I would just holiday as a family in the future. It sounds as if she really put a downer on the whole trip. Her poor kids.

YANBU btw.

elinorbellowed · 05/09/2013 14:41

My closest friend was a bit like this with her son (my godson) last time I saw them. She would never, ever have said "are you going to let him do that?" to me. However, she was very twitchy with him picking up sticks (which mine did) picking and eating blackberries (which mine did) wiping off his wellies obsessively (mine just got back in the car). Insisted he held her hand every second we were close to the river (my 3 year old did, but I let my 6 year old walk alone.) My godson is 9.
I think she is suffering from anxiety and that is why. I'm not treating it as a criticism of my parenting, because I think she needs help.

thebody · 05/09/2013 14:48

just pisses me off that so many people grin and say 'oh I am a bit OCD' when they really mean look how clean and tidy I am compared to you.

the op who mentioned autism?? not sure of the link. my job is working with autistic kids and their parents and yes there is a sliding scale as with all conditions from moderate to severe but my point is its bloody annoying for people who actually are suffering from OCD to have this serious condition bandied around like it is as some sort of badge of honour. it isn't its a sad and serious condition.

thebody · 05/09/2013 14:49

Crowler put it better just seen her post.

Hullygully · 05/09/2013 14:50

I am very interested in your friend Crowler, why does she say she is when she isn't?!

Original poster

freddiefrog · 05/09/2013 15:26

the op who mentioned autism??

I don't think anyone mentioned autism. Someone asked upthread if she had OCD.

She is usually quite uptight with her kids but I've never noticed it to this extent before, but then we've never spent that length of time in such close quarters before. Previous holidays with them have been to places like Disneyland Paris, or a couple of nights at Alton Towers so sand/grass cuttings/camping have never featured

They're honestly both lovely, and we usually get on really well, just chalk it up to experience and never go camping with them again.

OP posts:

Crowler · 05/09/2013 17:04

HullyGully: my friend, I could start a thread on her.

I think there's a lot of people who cultivate an image of motherly perfection, and this is part of it. Shall I come over with my label maker?

My sister is probably the most obsessive neat freak I know. She is quiet about it, she doesn't peddle it around, and it's not variable. True neat freaks are pretty rare. People who like to think of themselves as neat freaks are everywhere.

ExitPursuedByADragon · 05/09/2013 17:30

I used to go away with a 'friend' who was incredibly house proud at home but turned into a complete slattern when in rented accommodation. To the point of letting her DD wee on the sofa when she was being toilet trained. I was

TenToWine · 05/09/2013 17:41

we holiday with friends a lot and have never really had issues. I think our parenting styles are similar which helps, but i also think we all adjust a little and try to be conisderate. So this year, the DC all wanted to jump in the pool with clothes on one evening. I would have been fine with this but one friend said no to her DC before I spoke and I thought it right to go along with this because it would have caused upset in the circs. But the DC dont do exactly the same - some of the DC are allowed fizzy drinks, some are not etc. Kids understnad and can see that in soem things we are stricter and in others friends are stricter so it roughly balances. In your situation, I think she was being unreasonable.

SarahAndFuck · 05/09/2013 17:47

I've got a label maker.

I occasionally use it to make a rude word and stick it on DH but other than that it doesn't get a lot of use. Except to label plugs. DH is always unplugging things without looking what they are.

The label maker has stopped the freezer being defrosted by accident more than once.

Crowler · 05/09/2013 17:53

I have a label maker, I love it.

It's similar to lentils & the middle classes on the Jamie Oliver thread, a sort of shorthand for OCD.

Crowler · 05/09/2013 17:54

Smart idea labeling the outlets, Sarah. I may borrow this one.

ToysRLuv · 05/09/2013 18:03

We write on a small pieces of paper and stick them on important plugs with sellotape. Or, rather, DH does it so it looks like a child did it. Luckily I couldn't give a shit. I quite like the idea of using a label maker to label random stuff like DH or DS

friday16 · 05/09/2013 18:18

"I have a label maker, I love it. "

So do I. I am as far from OCD tidiness as it's possible to imagine, but it's great for labelling jam. And musical instruments.

Lethologica · 05/09/2013 18:26

The three day rule is deffinitely true.

We have never had a problem with our kids doing 'our rules' while other kids are doing 'their rules'. If your kids is 8 or 11 and their behaviour can be undermined by other kids then you are doing something wrong

runningonwillpower · 05/09/2013 18:27

I love the label maker talk.

Remember that episode of the Simpsons when Bart had a label maker? He labelled everything. Poor old Homer forewent the last beer because Bart had labelled it with his own name.

Holidays with friends or family can always lead to tensions. Let's face it, prolonged periods with the ones you love best (and thought you'd trained) can get up your nose.

Crowler · 05/09/2013 18:31

How can you possibly let your daughter pee on a sofa & not take action? This one took me by surprise.

Label makers are great. They always remind me of Monica, though.

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