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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I love my children too much to work full time..

402 replies

LostMarbles99 · 31/08/2013 20:31

AIBU to be royally pissed off at the person who said this to me today?

Am just back at work 2 weeks after birth of first baby who is now 7 months. 'Friend' was adamant that I must regret it and then proceeded to say that she loves her children too much to be working full time.

Yeah because I hate my child and can't wait to get away from him Hmm

I'm working full time as I'm the main earner and we need the money.

Why are people so insensitive?

What do you say?

OP posts:
janey68 · 01/09/2013 11:27

If anyone genuinely believe they the OPs 'friend' made that comment just as an innocent observation of how she was feeling at the time, then I'd agree 100% with swallowedAfly's comment above. The comment was passive aggressive shit, and anyone trying to defend it is giving us a massive clue to how they operate too.

Maybe the OPs friend really can't get her head around the fact that some people want to or need to work full time. Maybe she really is that limited in her understanding. There is no need to SAY it though, especially to someone who is supposed to be a friend. And the parallel with criticising someone's partner is a valid one. I might think 'why on earth is my mate shacked up with someone I find ugly and boring' but I'd be seriously taking a look at myself if I felt the need to SAY that to her. I mean, what's the point, apart from to try to make someone else feel bad? Why on earth would someone who's content with their life do that?

janey68 · 01/09/2013 11:29

'Have a good day guys' - bingo, swallowedAfly- that's passive aggressiveness right on a plate, that is Grin

BlingBang · 01/09/2013 11:29

She was probably only thinking of her own feelings and situation but was really insensitive. Not surprised you are miffed.

Saying that, nice to see all the usual slurs coming out about SAHM, hiding behind a pithy comeback to twatty friend.

FreudiansSlipper · 01/09/2013 11:37

what slurs ?

there are no critisims of sahm just the op's friend

soverylucky · 01/09/2013 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

janey68 · 01/09/2013 11:42

Can't see any slurs about SAHM tbh- just a few good comebacks which the OP should have made to this bitch of a 'friend'.
Can't remember ever seeing a thread started about people having a pop at SAHM either.
Up to each family to do what they feel right for them- within the boundaries of the choices available to them of course.
OP- I would lose this 'friend' pretty fast. At worst she's a passive aggressive bitch; at best she's extremely narrow minded and cannot cope without questioning out loud why other people do things differently to her

He11y · 01/09/2013 11:47

There is a lot of armchair psychology going on here.

Why can't you all just be happy with your own decisions?

Why are you so worried what others think?

There really is no need to feel offended or to be so rude if you are comfortable I'm your own shoes.

Nobody can judge you if you really believe I'm yourself.

He11y · 01/09/2013 11:48

*in yourself

He11y · 01/09/2013 11:49

*in your own shoes

Blimming predictive text! Grrr!

soverylucky · 01/09/2013 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

janey68 · 01/09/2013 11:52

It's not armchair psychology rofl

It's called BASIC respect. Manners. The norms of social interaction.

If I don't understand why my mate married a guy who in my eyes is ugly and boring, I kind of try to open my mind to the earth shattering idea that she is not me, and may have different opinions. And if I really cannot get my head around the scary fact that we're not all the same, then I at least follow the norms of social interaction and don't feel it necessary to TELL her that I could never marry her husband because I find him ugly and boring.

soverylucky · 01/09/2013 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreudiansSlipper · 01/09/2013 11:54

what a load of smug twatishness He11y

we live amoung people, to gain acceptance is part of human nature not because we are needy but because it is how we live within a community/society

many people their life is not dictated by their own choices or wishes, when it is it is very easy to say I do not care what others think

50shadesofmeh · 01/09/2013 11:57

Because Helly not every person has the circumstances to allow them to be happy with their decision , in fact for some people it isn't a decision , perhaps that's why. It's a luxury to be able to decide.

janey68 · 01/09/2013 12:03

YY to what freudianslipper and 50shades say.

And just to clarify, whether there is a choice, or not,it's still monumentally ignorant and rude to feel that you have to comment on another persons actions in a critical way.

If I was so fucking ignorant and rude that I felt it necessary to tell her that I couldn't possible marry her husband and that I don't think her choice is as good as mine (which is what the comment by the OPs friend amounts to) then actually I wouldn't expect her to question her choice of husband and feel insecure. I would expect her to question her choice of 'friend' though

SoupDragon · 01/09/2013 12:20

Surely the only correct answer to the comment in the thread title is "Who do you think you are - Peter fucking Andre?"

...this stuff makes you antagonistic about sahp

Surely it should make you antagonistic about rude twats, because that is the only sort of person who would make this kind of remark

kungfupannda · 01/09/2013 12:21

The thing is that not everyone is happy or sure about all of their choices.

If they were, forums like Mumsnet probably would never have been invented. People constantly question their decisions and their methods, particularly where children are concerned. It doesn't make them weak or silly or insecure - it makes them normal human beings, wrestling with something fairly major, ie the raising of a whole new person with all that entails.

And most people are aware of this and aware of the implications of making comments like this.

People don't like being criticised, because the vast majority of people aren't so confident/arrogant/however it manifests itself, as to think that they are getting it right 100% of the time.

He11y · 01/09/2013 12:22

So it touches a raw nerve for some people, 50shadesofmeh?

I can understand how people would feel upset if they really didn't want to be leaving their child, or staying at home, and someone else judged them for it.

I don't really believe we have no options. I do think a lot of people don't look outside the box when they are considering their options so it's not that they lack choice but rather they have limited their options in the first place.

Obviously I don't know what people see as priorities but it wouldn't matter anyway as it's down to personal choice.

There is always a way but sometimes the alternatives aren't easy either.

Live and let live I say.

He11y · 01/09/2013 12:24

To be honest, some of the replies on here have been a bit more than rude!

janey68 · 01/09/2013 12:30

All you are doing He11y is displaying your own inability to get your head around basic facts. Such as, some people need to work to pay rent/ mortgage/ council tax, etc
Those things aren't optional and it's not a case of 'cutting back' or reassing priorities.

And anyway, like I said, even where someone is choosing to work ft, why on earth do you think a 'friend' would say something as nasty as 'I couldn't do that because I love my children too much' I mean, WHY?
Do you seriously believe that's within the norms of social interaction? really?
Why would a friend feel the need to say anything out loud even if she's stupid enough to think it?

If she'd said 'I just cannot get my head around working full time', or 'I don't think I could cope with it' then it would still have been unecessary, but to actually say 'I can't because I love my children too much' - wow, that really takes the biscuit for nasty, passive aggressive bitchiness

swallowedAfly · 01/09/2013 12:32

you're made up surely? no one can be that daft and not realise it?

swallowedAfly · 01/09/2013 12:34

do we only get to make these choices you talk of by virtue of being married to someone who has no choice but to work full time so as to support your choices?

how much choice did your partner get?

i'm a single mum, i guess i could quit my job and sign on if i didn't 'like' my 'lifestyle' working.... do you think i should?

He11y · 01/09/2013 12:37

It honestly sounds to me that the friend had a knee jerk reaction and was speaking from her own thoughts.

She could have put it better but, as I said ages ago, for some people it really is something they cannot comprehend.

I appreciate not everyone will feel that and it's hard to appreciate how someone else may feel that shocked but that's how it is with a lot of parenting choices.

There is undoubtedly working parents who cannot comprehend not wanting to work and they may come out with a knee jerk reaction too.

swallowedAfly · 01/09/2013 12:39

never mind that i legally do not have the right to do so as my son is 6 and i could be forced to go and do full time workfare without childcare if i quit my job.

still it's a choice right? i could be more creative. i've heard prostitution is quite profitable? or maybe we could live in a tent in a field?

honestly. you must be made up.

swallowedAfly · 01/09/2013 12:40

please he11y - tell me more about my choices and how i really have loads but am just not thinking outside the box enough?