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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I love my children too much to work full time..

402 replies

LostMarbles99 · 31/08/2013 20:31

AIBU to be royally pissed off at the person who said this to me today?

Am just back at work 2 weeks after birth of first baby who is now 7 months. 'Friend' was adamant that I must regret it and then proceeded to say that she loves her children too much to be working full time.

Yeah because I hate my child and can't wait to get away from him Hmm

I'm working full time as I'm the main earner and we need the money.

Why are people so insensitive?

What do you say?

OP posts:
Jinsei · 01/09/2013 09:33

Some mothers actually can't go back to work full time when they are so young - they actually cannot get their head around it at all

What nonsense! They'd get their head around it pretty quickly if they were going to be homeless or hungry otherwise. Hmm

TravelinColour · 01/09/2013 09:40

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emuloc · 01/09/2013 09:42

I get what you are saying He11y.

He11y · 01/09/2013 09:43

I get that people have different priorities and that some people just want to berate other parents for choosing a different path.

If you're comfortable with your decision, why does it worry you what others think?

He11y · 01/09/2013 09:43

Thanks emuloc.

SPBisResisting · 01/09/2013 09:44

But some people want to work and don't feel the need to justify it with "breadline" comments

He11y · 01/09/2013 09:48

I didn't bring up the breadline comment - I was just saying that it's all subjective and we all work with what we have.

I completely get that some parents want to work.

I work part time and I love my job. We need it, yes, but I'd do it even if I didn't because I get so much out of it.

Full time work wouldn't have worked for me when mine were that young so we found a compromise.

I was just explaining that some really won't be able to understand both sides of the fence.

I really don't care what people think of my decision as I'm comfortable with it.

He11y · 01/09/2013 09:50

When I say we work with what we have, I don't mean work for money!

I mean we organise our family around the situation we are in.

needaholidaynow · 01/09/2013 09:51

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TravelinColour · 01/09/2013 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Silverfoxballs · 01/09/2013 09:55

This reply has been deleted

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marriedinwhiteisback · 01/09/2013 09:56

I'd like to think she was just stupid. But I got snipey comments when I was a SAHM (you're so privileged, you must miss your career, it must be grating to be totally dependent on your DH), a few but not so many when I went back part-time - oh I wouldnkt do a low paid job like that, what's the point). Part-time was jolly hard BTW. And then when I went full-time plenty more snarky comments (it will be a huge upheaval for your DC, how does your DH feel about it, what are you going to do in the holidays).

Our DC are 15 and 18 now and tbf dd has said she really missed me the first year but both DC are relatively independent, know their way around London, get their own stuff ready for school (I have never had to take forgotten kit/work to school - I can't so they don't forget it) and can make themselves a simple hot lunch.

Looking back and looking at the snarkers - I don't think any look that happy and in their fifties many of those who snarked over me getting a job and working again will have very empty lives as their DC leave home.

Some people will always snipe whatever you do. Looking back over a generation of having children I feel a little pity for them because rather than focussing on what they are doing and being positive they are constantly looking for negatives in everyone else because that's the only way they can justify their own inadequacy.

melliebobs · 01/09/2013 09:57

Sorry don't have time to read through all 160 replies but this kind of response really gets my back up. Yes I'd love to be a sahm but I have to work. I love my dd and therefore want to keep a friggen roof over her head and avoid the big bad bank taking our house away! I'd also like to provide her with occasional little luxuries that I wasn't as lucky to have when I was growing up. Like a holiday once a year. Even if it is camping down the road. Grrrrr

Caffe1neAddict · 01/09/2013 10:00

I had similar comment- woman in my department decided to come back part time after birth of her dc1 whilst I returned full time. But I think now she said it as mask to justify her decision- she's since said she feels torn and not doing either job well. My guess is she'd really like to be sahm but couldn't afford it. I'd take 'friends' comment with pinch of salt- she's talking about her own decision, not yours. It's about the quality time not quantity of time.

Delayingtactic · 01/09/2013 10:26

The problem with this kind of comment is that its divisive and almost forces you into a wohm vs sahm argument. I was thinking what I'd say back but everything I thought of was a slur on being a sahp, which is why I settled for fuck off. (But I do quite like odfod). My DH is now a sahp and I obviously don't think negAtive things about it but this stuff makes you antagonistic about sahp.

He11y · 01/09/2013 10:40

TravelinColour - I'm obviously not going to go into the ins and outs of our income vs expenditure as it's missing the point.

Priorities are fluid and subjective.

I'm not sure why people would be offended to be honest.

We need my income but undoubtedly we could cut back somewhere if we had to and rest assured we would if we felt it was in the best interests of our family.

Just as an example - some argue a warm house is essential, others argue they survived without central heating and clothes do just as good a job. Many will falls somewhere in between and have heating but be frugal with it.

Who is to say which is correct?

Some would say an annual holiday is essential and others will say of course it isn't. Some will say a weekend camping is a hoholiday and others will disagree. We all base the decision on our own experience and our income and situation at the time.

That is just two examples - we could all think of more I'm sure.

As long as the children are health and happy, does it actually matter?

Seriously, why would anyone take offence as long as they are happy with their choices?

swallowedAfly · 01/09/2013 10:51

pff i love my bed too much to work but needs must Grin

also the 'full time' dig sucks.

working part time is actually harder than full time in many ways as you don't offset as much of the 'home' and childcare work as you would if your children were in full time childcare - you just race and do it all.

i stayed off for years with ds mainly due to health problems. i made the most of it and i can see what he gained from that way (there'd have been other gains the other way obviously) but if i had another child i'd want to be working. i'd want that balance in my life and to feel financially independent even if skint.

swallowedAfly · 01/09/2013 10:52

Seriously, why would anyone take offence as long as they are happy with their choices?

if someone told you they couldn't stand your husband as they thought he was an ugly arrogant twat who made their skin crawl why would it bother you unless you weren't happy with your choice?

maybe because it's bloody rude and none of their business.

50shadesofmeh · 01/09/2013 10:52

Part of me thinks that people who say they ' work with what they have' are either certainly no where near the breadline.

He11y · 01/09/2013 11:03

Did someone call the OP an 'ugly arrogant twat who made their skin crawl'?

I missed that part. I thought the other person simply stated what was happening for her at the time?

Part of me thinks a lot of people on this thread cannot see outside of the box and are just out to criticise.

I'm guessing that's because you aren't comfortable with your choices and I feel for you if that is the case. It must me hard to feel you may not be doing the right thing for your children.

I hope you aren't basing that on what others think though. Please don't do that.

50shadesofmeh · 01/09/2013 11:08

Yup your right in not comfortable going back to work when my baby is 5 months old to keep a roof over our heads but I do it because I HAVE TO . So no I'm not at peace with that at all.

FreudiansSlipper · 01/09/2013 11:09

op friend is basically questioning her. How could you possibly go back to work .....

if she said I feel I could not do it fine but to make a statement well I could not as I love my children so much is ridiculous and spiteful as its questioning the op's feelings towards her children

sadly you will meet many twatish people in time that see parenting as a competition who loves their child the most, who sacrifices the most they are mummy/daddy martyr's best avoided as no one will will quite be as good/suffer as much/love their children as much as they do or switch off when it their company

swallowedAfly · 01/09/2013 11:13

I'm guessing that's because you aren't comfortable with your choices and I feel for you if that is the case. It must me hard to feel you may not be doing the right thing for your children.

ha ha ha!

i'm guessing you've learnt diggy, passive aggression from a master at some stage and it was probably a painful apprenticeship. it must be hard for you.

JennyPiccolo · 01/09/2013 11:14

That comment is the work of a total penis, it needs no further analysis.

He11y · 01/09/2013 11:22

Have a good day guys, no matter what your lifestyle.

I've just got home from a night shift so I'm gonna have a cuppa Grin