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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I love my children too much to work full time..

402 replies

LostMarbles99 · 31/08/2013 20:31

AIBU to be royally pissed off at the person who said this to me today?

Am just back at work 2 weeks after birth of first baby who is now 7 months. 'Friend' was adamant that I must regret it and then proceeded to say that she loves her children too much to be working full time.

Yeah because I hate my child and can't wait to get away from him Hmm

I'm working full time as I'm the main earner and we need the money.

Why are people so insensitive?

What do you say?

OP posts:
ParrotsHilton · 01/09/2013 07:49

A collegaue of mine, when announcing her pregnancy, claimed that she wanted to be a 'proper mum' and give up work after its birth. In front of the mother of 3 who works full time. Twat.

PrincessScrumpy · 01/09/2013 07:50

Meant to add - I wouldn't put my own emotions and expectations on other people so don't look down on anyone for their choices and what works for their family - a happy parent is a happy child so that's the important thing.

Dackyduddles · 01/09/2013 07:52

Mrskoala

Me too. Thoroughly agree with you. Because apparently I'm a lazy arse who is setting her kids a really bad example for womankind by being with them.

You really can't win for trying tbh.

50shadesofmeh · 01/09/2013 08:02

How very lovely for people who don't need to pay bills or have a husband who earns enough to give up work , fortunately for mine I love them enough to keep a roof over their heads so I work full time.

inabeautifulplace · 01/09/2013 08:05

I think I'd go for:

"How lucky you are to be totally dependent on your husband"

You could even add

"I think it's great that some people are prepared to sacrifice their independence for a return to old fashioned family values"

Lastofthepodpeople · 01/09/2013 08:11

Gosh, that's rude.

He11y · 01/09/2013 08:13

Some mothers actually can't go back to work full time when they are so young - they actually cannot get their head around it at all.

Her wording was iffy but I understand what she said.

We have had this dilemma and I have decided to sacrifice income for time with my children.

Yes we don't have as much as some people but we do lots of quality time together and I know I will never regret the time I've spent with them.

We both work btw (earning a bit over the NMW) and have a strong work ethic - we just make sure we have jobs that fit around the children.

Our older two are working now - I've had one sick day in 6 years, my husband has had 1/2 a day in many many years, son had a week off sick in 5 years when he had appendicitis and was in hospital and daughter has had one day in 3 years.

They all know the value of money and appreciate that we chose time with them over income. It isn't a straight decision between work or starve.

I appreciate you've chosen a different path and this woman may have hit a nerve but surely we all do what we feel is right and should respect each other for that?

It works both ways obviously - sometimes those of us who choose to be at home more wonder if we should have gone down the work route.

Respect the difference I say - the world needs us all :-)

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 01/09/2013 08:13

I went back to work full time when DS was 5.5 months old. As a single parent not getting maintenance, with a mortgage and bills to pay and food and baby things to buy, I didn't have much choice. Over the years I've had comments from friends, family, colleagues and even complete strangers Shock. I mostly ignored them, commented back to a few, but if it happens again I'm going to try some of these responses.

She's probably jealous that you're the main wage earner, OP. Whatever the reason, she's an insensitive cow, so there'll be more snide comments from her before long. I guarantee it.

FinallySaidMama · 01/09/2013 08:14

She is a cunt OP - and if she asks why you're avoiding her then I hope you tell her exactly why!

Although it has gone said, you can't win anyway you do it! Like other SAHM's on this thread, I've been on the receiving end of comments like
'Ooh, I like to set a good example to my children by working'
'Don't you worry your husband will leave you?'
'I couldn't stay at home all day, I'd be so bored'
And my favourite of all time, written right here on MN
'I think all SAHM's are basically thick'

He11y · 01/09/2013 08:14

*but we do have lots of quality time together

Blimming phone!

50shadesofmeh · 01/09/2013 08:26

I ' can't get my head around ' going back to work Helly but I've still got to go back unfortunately or my mortgage won't get paid.

TiredDog · 01/09/2013 08:29

I have decided to sacrifice income for time with my children

Would you sacrifice your home?

People who talk about sacrificing income for time with their children usually can sacrifice income. It's not an option for many.

angeltattoo · 01/09/2013 08:32

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, lots of belly laughs and rolling around the floor. Maybe wipe away a tear of laughter. 'good one you fucking twatbadger old friend'

Then look at her, 'oh, you weren't joking?' i assumed you mst be because of course no one is stupid enough to suggest that every working father and mother in the world don't love their children. Ha ha'. cuntface

EverybodysGoneSurfing · 01/09/2013 08:37

When I was about to go back to work (teaching) after about eight months, another mum told me she was not returning for another year because her DS 'was the kind of child who needed special nurturing' and 'she would never forgive herself if a childcarer didn't realise how important he was'. I read that as all about her, sent DD to nursery and actively made sure no one emphasised her over-importance!

EverybodysGoneSurfing · 01/09/2013 08:38

Oh, and yes, for me that choice would have meant no home not just less income!

kungfupannda · 01/09/2013 08:38

I think comments like this are always a front for some sort of doubts about a person's own choices.

I know someone who constantly posts on Facebook about their wonderful children and how much joy they bring them and all the lovely things they're planning on doing, with lots of open criticism about other, less wonderful, parents.

Which would be all fine and dandy if I didn't happen to know perfectly well that they barely lift a finger to interact with their own children, find them hugely challenging, and are quite scathing about them in real life.

Therealamandaclarke · 01/09/2013 08:47

OP, your friend's comment was thoughtless and insensitive.
Plenty of women return to work because they have no choice.
Plenty of women return to work (ft or pt) because they want to.
Either way, they are no less likely to love their children with all their hearts than someone who stays at home with them.
I would try not to let it get to you. It was a stupid thing to say but I doubt she really meant to suggest you don't love your DC's as much as she hers.

I have a friend who is a sahm. My job pays for us to be able to have some treats and holiday. I also like working Blush although not at all looking forward to returning from mat leave. I think I am lucky.
She told me (unasked, i didn't raise the topic of her not "working") that she thought it was really important to be at home when they turned from school. I felt Sad. All this was said in the comfort of her large drawing room in her lovely London home call paid for by her husband's lucrative job. No idea some ppl!

Therealamandaclarke · 01/09/2013 08:48

Sorry. Meant to say I work pt.

Therealamandaclarke · 01/09/2013 08:51

There's nothing clever about choosing to live on the breadline.
And if your choice means that you don't actually live on the breadline then it's not really a sacrifice is it? It's having the luxury to choose.

emuloc · 01/09/2013 08:55

Some of the replies on here are frankly shocking and unkind. You do not have to agree with what was said to the op but to go over board like that helps no one. I get a bit tired of the general thinking towards SAHM but in all honesty who cares who does what as long as your children are cared for and loved. Perhaps women should be a bit kinder to each other.

Therealamandaclarke · 01/09/2013 08:55

Oh, and it doesn't get any better over time.
I worked with a woman whose DCs were teens. She was taking a couple of years off and crowed on about how she thought it was so important because her children needed her at home at this difficult time of their lives (GCSEs or A levels). Well, she might be tright. But again was overlooking the fact that other ppl don't have this choice. She had the choice because her DH was very well paid. Not because she was a better mother than those who don't have the choice.

Therealamandaclarke · 01/09/2013 08:56

emuloc absolutely. Women should be kinder to each other.

janey68 · 01/09/2013 09:08

What an ignorant bitch

I like the response above: roll about on the floor belly laughing for five minutes, then get up, wiping tears from your eyes and say 'oh god, you actually weren't joking were you ...'

Samnella · 01/09/2013 09:10

Yanbu . It was a stupid thing to say. If she's a good friend I would assume it was ill judged. Tbh you get comments either way. I have worked and stayed at hone at various points and had people exclaim how I must miss my children or insuate I am not as intelligent as them as I am at home. Both the shitty end of the stick which only serve as a reflection of the person welding it.

Your children will be fine either way. Just have a stock answer of 'it works for us' and forget about these silly people .

He11y · 01/09/2013 09:23

One person's breadline is another's adequate income.

Some feel they need a certain type of home or to live in a certain area whereas others see bricks and mortar as of little importance.

It's all horses for courses but it's a touchy subject.

None of us wants to think we made the wrong decision so we jump to the defence and berate the opposing choice.

Trust that you are all doing what is right for you and your family and just accept that there will be people who cannot comprehend your decision, whichever side of the fence you are on.

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