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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I love my children too much to work full time..

402 replies

LostMarbles99 · 31/08/2013 20:31

AIBU to be royally pissed off at the person who said this to me today?

Am just back at work 2 weeks after birth of first baby who is now 7 months. 'Friend' was adamant that I must regret it and then proceeded to say that she loves her children too much to be working full time.

Yeah because I hate my child and can't wait to get away from him Hmm

I'm working full time as I'm the main earner and we need the money.

Why are people so insensitive?

What do you say?

OP posts:
soverylucky · 01/09/2013 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

soverylucky · 01/09/2013 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

janey68 · 01/09/2013 13:21

Exactly soverylucky. Regardless of whether the OP is choosing to work ft or not, it's an offensive comment to make. And actually seriously weird for anyone to even think that how many hours you work is some sort of measure of love

He11y · 01/09/2013 13:22

It would make me want to point out to the friend that her comment hurt me and hopefully she'd explain where it came from.

I don't believe in dropping friends over one comment, especially before I've established why or how it was said.

Do you guys really drop people that easily?

He11y · 01/09/2013 13:23

What if the friend hadn't got as far as judging the OP?

What is she was just imagining going out all day and how she'd feel if it were her?

He11y · 01/09/2013 13:24

I'm guessing none of you have ever said something without thinking?

swallowedAfly · 01/09/2013 13:27

but he11y how is the van avoiding living on benefits? you still haven't said how she'll pay for food, fuel, water, clothing, etc for herself and her child. you seem to be avoiding that question. her choice may make her life cheaper but it doesn't make it free - if her child is to survive there will have to be money. where does it come from?

because that's reality really. you either earn your money or you put yourself in the vulnerable position of dependency - be that on a man or on the state. there's no way out from this equation. who will your friend be depending on to pay for her choice not to work? who will put food in her child's belly and provide fuel to stop it freezing to death in that van?

janey68 · 01/09/2013 13:28

I can quite categorically say I have never told a ft working friend that I love my children too much to do what she is doing.
Or been adamant that she must regret what she's doing, which is what the OPs friend insisted.

And if I ever did find myself saying it, believe me, the first person I'd start questioning about my motives would be ME, not the other person

FreudiansSlipper · 01/09/2013 13:29

op's friend was adamant that she must regret going back to work

and she must regret it because it is something she (a mother who really loved her child/children) would not consider doing

it is very clear what is being said

fancyanother · 01/09/2013 13:29

I think it does depend on how strong and supportive the friendship is as a whole. If it is not really, then yes, I would drop them. I would be thinking every time we saw each other that she somehow pitied me because of my lack of love for my child, or I would be so angry I wouldnt be able to relax. Also, the OP has said she is the main earner, and in education. Surely, her DP should be the one going part time?
OP, I also work in education. I went part time, despite being the main earner, after being made redundant, didn't take an equivalent job. Our joint salary is the same now as my individual salary. I am doing a job I was doing 15 years ago, and it is unlikely I would be able to resurrect my career while working part time. My friend went back to work in the same job full time. Her kids are fine. They are happy, healthy and absolutely fine. 2

swallowedAfly · 01/09/2013 13:30

and i'm not benefit bashing here - i lived on benefits for years when ds was a baby and i had health problems.

the reality is that i didn't live for free in that time, i needed money and was dependent upon the state for it and vulnerable to changes in welfare etc. the state has now decided that every woman with children of school age must work or provide for herself otherwise because she will no longer get benefits for simply 'being a mother'. so women with children of school age have to work or depend on a man to provide for them for example.

your friend is not escaping that. she will presumably happily accept her benefits whilst living in her van until the child starts school and then she'll have to start signing on and proving she is looking for work or she'll be sent to do workfare or have her benefits stopped and starve ergo have to get a job.

i don't get why you're pretending there's some magical third way where you don't have to work or go on benefits or depend on a man's income to support your own children?

He11y · 01/09/2013 13:31

They will make money by working at festivals and pay for water by working for the people who allow them to stay on their land.

There is actually a fairly sizable community of people who do or plan to do the same - I think it's on the rise to be honest.

It's not for me, as I said, but it is interesting seeing how people do choose a different way of life. Bartering is one way they get by.

Most use wood burners so don't have fuel costs in the way we do in houses.

swallowedAfly · 01/09/2013 13:34

right so she WILL be working. thanks for that. be interesting to see what kind of quality of life she provides for her baby whilst straggling around living hand to mouth trying to find places to stay who also have work for her. i'm willing to bet she'll be living on benefits in one form of another.

soverylucky · 01/09/2013 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

He11y · 01/09/2013 13:35

My friend doesn't want benefits so she definitely won't be claiming.

I'm not against benefits either. I do think they should be a temporary measure though.

I have had this very debate with someone who wants to live in a van but claim benefits so I agree with what you are saying.

The friend, and indeed most of the people I know, won't claim benefits though as that's what they are trying to escape in part.

janey68 · 01/09/2013 13:36

Ah right- so she is working. Thanks for clearing that up, could have saved a lot of time by telling us that in the first place

He11y · 01/09/2013 13:36

The daughter will be alongside her while she works - they are doing it together.

50shadesofmeh · 01/09/2013 13:36

Most people want to know for sure there is money coming in and couldn't live with the uncertainty of only occasionally having money.

He11y · 01/09/2013 13:37

Next point will be about home education and how can she work and educate part time, won't it? Maybe that's for another thread...

swallowedAfly · 01/09/2013 13:38

guess what by the way - wood either costs money or you're nicking it off other people's land or being given it for free (dependent again). you get there is no way to subsist in england if you don't have your own land? you're always depending on others. your friend will be living off of the goodwill of the people who put up with her on their land, using their resources. her child will be dependent upon the kindness of strangers and entirely reliant for her education, caretaking and role modeling on a woman who thinks 'live in a van', get water in exchange for work from landowners and pick up a bit of money at festivals sometimes is a great life plan for someone with a dependent.

most of us would consider that a worse life for a baby than dealing with mummy having to go to work.

He11y · 01/09/2013 13:38

Indeed, that's how I feel, 50sadesofmeh.

He11y · 01/09/2013 13:39

I used to think that way, swallowedAfly - believe me, I've said all that to my friend! Grin

Then I did my research and now I know it's a viable option for some.

janey68 · 01/09/2013 13:40

Gosh, lets hope her child actually wants to be alongside her mother while shes working. I have a friend who was raised in the 70s by parents with that kind of life style and she hated Being dragged round the festivals, leaving behind friends shed made and having to hang about while her parents worked.

Sounds to me that rather than thinking creatively outside the box, your friend has decided on a very prescriptive lifestyle which meets her needs rather than being open to what her child may feel

He11y · 01/09/2013 13:40

*educate full time rather

swallowedAfly · 01/09/2013 13:40

honestly the idea that freezing to death in february with your vagrant flaky mother who thought it'd be easy to 'pick up work' and find places to stay is better than mummy just getting a fucking job for a few hours a day is BIZARRE!

it's not the right choices for each family ergo any choice is great as long as you're happy - there are some things that are basics that any responsible adult will put in place when a child is reliant on them.