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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really angry with MIL

133 replies

GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 10:48

OK, so a bit of background... we do not speak to SIL. We have very good reasons for not doing so. She caused a lot of trouble and hurt in my marriage and we were left with no choice but to cut her out. I don't want to rake it all up here, suffice to say the Mumsnet Jury agreed that we should cut her out as she was behaving like DH's wife and treating me as the OW.

We have given her ample opportunity to make amends over the years. All we have ever asked is that she apologises and we all move on. But she refuses to do so. In the time that we have not seen her, she has had a baby. Our DC know about the baby, but we never talk about SIL and the baby because we think they are too young to understand why we don't see them.

MIL came to stay with us recently. Last time she came, she spent the entire time (about 3 days) banging on to the DC about the baby and about SIL. After she left, DH called and had very strong words with her. He told her not to talk to the DC about SIL and the baby, that we would explain everything to them ourselves in good time.

So this time, she stayed a few days and - apart from not saying one word to me the whole time she was here, she spent all her time in the DC's bedroom. It turns out - again - she spent almost the entire time talking to them about SIL and the baby and showing them photos. I am furious. I feel she has completely undermined us. She was told in no uncertain terms not to talk to the DC about SIL and the baby, yet she did. I am livid.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 31/08/2013 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eilidhbelle · 31/08/2013 10:53

How old are your DC?

QueenofKelsingra · 31/08/2013 10:53

much as I love a good MIl bashing thread - is it possible she is struggling with seeing her family so fractured? could it be her way of trying to help patch things up?

is your MIL usually a reasonable person? do you get on with her? and what is your DH's thoughts on it all?

TheRealJules · 31/08/2013 10:55

Why did you let her spend so much time in their bedrooms?
Why didn't you ask at the time what was going on?
You could have stopped it immediately.
I think you are both being unreasonable but I wouldn't allow her to stay again.

BrokenSunglasses · 31/08/2013 10:55

YANBU.

But I think your priority has to be your children. What have you said to them about their Aunt and cousin since you know mil has said things? It's not actually going to do your children any harm, so I'd be wary of blowing it up into a bigger deal than it needs to be. Presumably you don't want your dc to lose their grandma as well.

Your mil has proved she can't be trusted to be alone with your dc, so I think you need to make sure that she isn't next time you see her, but I don't think it's a crime worthy of cutting all contact over.

BoozyBear · 31/08/2013 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealJules · 31/08/2013 10:56

Also if someone was staying in my house and not speaking to me they would be asked to leave.

luxemburgerli · 31/08/2013 11:00

I do sympathise a bit with MIL, it is VERY difficult to live with a fractured famil y(from experience). But that does not mean that you would also prefer it not to be fractured and have even better reasons for keeping it so.

In short, YANBU. Don't let her get away with not saying a word to you either!!

Original poster
GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 11:01

QueenofKelsingra and BoozyBear I agree to a point. My issue is, that instead of encouraging SIL to apologise, she would rather manipulate us into backing down by using the DC.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 31/08/2013 11:02

Yes, no, maybe.

How was your relationship before? If it was good and she's always been supportive then I guess she's really struggling with her children not speaking and her grandchildren not knowing about each other. And you should talk this through gently with her and let her tell you how she feels about it. Fwiw I think its unreasonable to expect her to never mention her daughter or other grandchild to your children (though very weird for her to go on and on about them) - if your kids are young, you don't need to tell them anything other than 'we don't see them' or 'we'll see them one day' and they'll accept it.

Anyway, that's if you've generally had a good relationship.

If you haven't and she's interfering and tends to want to control things then maybe you need to drastically restrict contact (no overnight visits etc) or cut her out too. What does your dh think?

DanicaJones · 31/08/2013 11:02

Could you agree with the SIL to make amends without forcing her to apologise? If she doesn't think she is in the wrong she isn't going to want to apologise so you are never going to get anywhere with that approach. Could you suggest meeting with her to agree some ground rules instead?

Original poster
GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 11:04

There has never really been a 'before' as SIL has been like this right from the beginning. They have always supported her. She is very evidently the favourite child out of her and DH.

OP posts:
DanicaJones · 31/08/2013 11:05

If someone was trying to make me apologise it would make me very defensive.

flipchart · 31/08/2013 11:06

I have sympathy with mil to be honest.

Original poster
GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 11:06

We've tried all that, DanicaJones. We have backed down so many times, but her behaviour never changes. And it is so deliberate and so nasty. Poor DS1 witnessed so many awful arguments between me and DH about her. It was a long time before DH admitted that her behaviour was unacceptable.

OP posts:
DanicaJones · 31/08/2013 11:08

I didn't see your original thread so don't know what SIL did.

pudcat · 31/08/2013 11:08

Why did you let her spend all that time in DC's bedroom? You could have called your children down, taken them out, or anything to let that have happened again. Your husband should support you by telling her she cannot visit if she is going to be so rude in not speaking to you.

Original poster
GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 11:11

pudcat, I didn't know until after she left that she spent so much time on her 'campaign'. I just thought she was rude. But then she is rude. I thought DH had made the message very clear after last time...

OP posts:
Original poster
GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 11:13

I just think she should respect our wishes.

OP posts:
teenagetantrums · 31/08/2013 11:16

If you let her come again, I would make her stay in a B & B and supervise all access to children, Its up to you explain the situation to your children when you want to, and up to them when they older to decide if they want to see their cousin. Do your children enjoy seeing her? if so I wouldn't cut off all contact but I would expect her to apologies to you at least.

pudcat · 31/08/2013 11:17

I didn't know until after she left that she spent so much time on her 'campaign'
Yes I can see that, but knowing what she could be like I would have done all I could to prevent her being alone with them. I would have thought "Why is she in their room so much? What is she saying?" Then would have taken them out.

Original poster
GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 11:18

I guess I trusted her. She doesn't see them very often so I thought they were just playing. And she wanted to stay out of the way of the evil DIL Hmm

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 31/08/2013 11:21

She spent 3 days in your home as your guest and didn't say a word to you? I wouldn't have her under my roof again.

pudcat · 31/08/2013 11:21

OK if there is a next time you will have to make sure she is not alone with them or try and explain to them why you do not see the baby.

Original poster
GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 11:21

Dh says she's 'shy' and doesn't speak much generally. Which is kind of true. But then when DH got home from work, she'd speak to him, no problem. But just ignore me all day.

OP posts:
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