to be really angry with MIL

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OK, so a bit of background... we do not speak to SIL. We have very good reasons for not doing so. She caused a lot of trouble and hurt in my marriage and we were left with no choice but to cut her out. I don't want to rake it all up here, suffice to say the Mumsnet Jury agreed that we should cut her out as she was behaving like DH's wife and treating me as the OW.

We have given her ample opportunity to make amends over the years. All we have ever asked is that she apologises and we all move on. But she refuses to do so. In the time that we have not seen her, she has had a baby. Our DC know about the baby, but we never talk about SIL and the baby because we think they are too young to understand why we don't see them.

MIL came to stay with us recently. Last time she came, she spent the entire time (about 3 days) banging on to the DC about the baby and about SIL. After she left, DH called and had very strong words with her. He told her not to talk to the DC about SIL and the baby, that we would explain everything to them ourselves in good time.

So this time, she stayed a few days and - apart from not saying one word to me the whole time she was here, she spent all her time in the DC's bedroom. It turns out - again - she spent almost the entire time talking to them about SIL and the baby and showing them photos. I am furious. I feel she has completely undermined us. She was told in no uncertain terms not to talk to the DC about SIL and the baby, yet she did. I am livid.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading.

thebody
"well unless she's a mad axe murderer surely once/ twice a year contact can't do real harm can it?"

I refuse to be in the same room/county as my brother, he is quite frankly a fucking nasty tosser, Within 5 minutes of walking in the room he is on my case. Nasty passive aggressive digs and jokes all at my expense.

It upset my mother till her dying day, It upset my father till he cottoned on to what he was doing.

Why should the OP have to put up with someone (at all) that causes arguments within her family?

ok yes I agree with you Boney and that must have been terrible for you.

I suppose like Barbarianmum days once or twice visits extend to further contact.

if the op could categorically stop that happening and be clear at the outset then surely that could work?

if the sil said anything nasty then the visit would be immediately terminated.

I just think this building of mystery to the children and obsessing on whether mil talks about her daughter and cousin to them is healthy for the op or her family.

but of course it's her family and her decision.

Thumb but surely that's over now as the dh understands his sisters game and can stop any if this in its tracts.

the sil also has a baby now, could she have grown up a bit now and not be so obsessed with her brother.

also the op is asking for advice and that doesn't mean necessarily agreeing with her.

it's ok to suggest different approaches isn't it?

I'm not arguing with you suggesting different approaches, thebody - I'm just saying that it's possible to accept the OP's reasons for non-contact without you having to be given all the details so that YOU feel you understand it. Of course if you have no situation like this in your own life it is harder for you to understand how it could happen, but I expect that you have enough empathy to be able to see how it could be possible?

YANBU

SIL knows what she needs to do (but wont).

MIL knows what she needs to do (but ignores it) and now she needs to apologise.

I would be telling DH that she is not setting foot in our house again nor speaking to the children again until she apologises to me. If she does that I'd consider her visiting again, but this is her final warning.

Having a 'fractured family' is sad, but the SIL has caused that and the OP and her DH have taken steps to avoid it ending their marriage & upsetting their children. N0 one has the right to undermine that. No one.

If the MIL wants it all to be 'happy families' again (pushing shit up hill) then she needs to deal with the SIL and NOT under any circumstances manipulate the OP & her DH through the children.

The children do not have a right to know their aunty/cousins if that aunty is a trouble making, malicious cow an unhealthy influence on their family. The OP & her DH have the right to decide which relationships are healthy for their children and which are not. No one else has the right to make that call.

Thumb, my sis and dad didn't speak for 2 years and I was stuck in the middle do can see the mils point of view very well.

I think it's quite empathetic to support the op in her original decision but to suggest that her sil is now older, had a child, her own dh seems to have realised what was occurring and has grown up a bit as well so maybe once a year or minimal contact could be tried to please the wider family.

I think the op said her fil has cancer and is distraught at the fall out. my empathy as you put it is usually with the dying.

but of course only the op knows the full facts and only she can know what's best for her family.

Maybe it will be different when they are secondary age?
I think then it would be more up to them if they want to have a relationship with their cousin and aunt.

I certainly agree with your last comment, thebody - but I don't necessarily agree that having a child will have had any effect on the SIL's attitude towards the OP.

I also have a fractured family - and becoming a parent, if anything, made it worse because the fracturer used the DC as a further stick to beat the "victim" (can't think of a better word here) with, telling the DC to "stay away from X, they are nasty" and so on.

I would slightly take that if sil's sending presents then it's an attempt to apologise. (unless they're bought by mil to pretend she's doing it).

But I think talking non stop about sil's baby to the dc is mean. They'll pick up on it that all she wants to talk about is the baby and feel that it's their favourite and they will feel left out. I don't think my dc (who love babies) would find what their baby cousin is doing interesting after the first couple of pages and 5 minutes of stories. They'd be wanting to show grandma what they were doing/had done.

Would let her know that you know perfectly well what she was doing in the children's rooms. And make sure that your dc are primed to say " we don't keep secrets from mummy" when she asks them to.

I don't get on with one of my SILs, and I'd rather voluntarily exclude myself from family gatherings, I don't have a problem with that. The only problem I have is that MIL would like everyone to get on, but after years of putting up with SIL and biting back my responses I no longer want to play along with the family game of letting her get away with whatever she wants to say/do because 'that's just her way'.

Thanks to all of you so much for your replies. I appreciate it. Even if you said I was BU, I still appreciate your interest.

OOAOML, are you really OK with not being part of things, because of your SIL's behaviour? Don't you feel she has 'won' somehow?

Yanbu. Time to cut the dead wood loose. Bye bye MIL.

Well it isn't a vibrant inlaw social life I'm missing out on I never enjoyed the mass gatherings so would prefer not to be there. She hasn't done anything terrible enough to insist on no contact for the whole family just enough for me to not want to spend time with her. I'd far prefer to stay at home and relax.

late and no time to read thread - YANBU.
and double-y so because why the fuck is she going on about anyone at all instead paying attention to the children she came to visit?

I'm in a ratty mood so that might cloud my judgement but I'd just not invite her to stay anymore.
cutting her out entirely is of course a possibility, she seems to not care about your kids or you or your DH anyway - so what's the loss?

good luck. people are such shits sometimes.

and ? to your DH for standing up to his family!

Just had to comment before Ive even got through reading all the posts yet but...

Why on earth should OP step aside, she has done nothing wrong. OP's family is a unit, they are a complete package and if anything threatens that unit ie SIL then SIL is the one who should be removed not OP.

I understand that MIL is upset about situation but its not one that OP has created herself. The SIL is the problem yet MIL allows such behaviour...

Stand your ground OP, thank goodness your DH agrees with you. DH need to speak frankly with his mother, to ignore you is unforgivable and not something I would put up with and nor should you or he.

I think you should be open with the kids about cousin as I think you are and leave at that. Kids do understand that people fall out.

ILetHimKeep20Quid

so you and your DH allowed your BIL to push you out through no fault of your own. nice.
So you send off YOUR family off to BIL/family to have a nice time without you, what does that teach your kids...its ok to treat mum like that cos she will back off and dad wont stand up for her. Its ok to leave her out to not involve you. ouch.
You just might be being the bigger person I really don't know but it all seams so wrong to me, seeing as you did nothing to BIL.

OP, MIL could bring cousin over to you maybe? Assuming MIL sorts her attitude out. I think DH need words with SIL...maybe he already has?

I do think YAB a bit U OP.

I don't speak to my father and haven't done since I was a child, on his instigation. My Grandmother however, does now speak to him and refuses to believe he is at fault at all (it was all his wife apparently...) She used to constantly speak to my DC about him, how he's their Grandad, how they have another aunt, cousin etc. it used to really irritate me, but I can see she does it because she feels hurt that he and I don't speak. It really doesn't make any difference to the DC. They know my father exists, they know I don't want any contact with him and as they've known from a young age they just don't think it's any big deal at all.

I can't really see the problem with your SIL not wanting you at family functions etc unless your DH and the rest of his family were facilitating her behaviour. In which case, your problem is as much with them as her so I can't understand why you haven't cut contact with all of DH's family? If they don't facilitate her then surely her feelings don't really matter anyway? You can just go along to things, be polite but otherwise ignore her.

Thumb, my sis and dad didn't speak for 2 years and I was stuck in the middle do can see the mils point of view very well.

That's your problem, right there: Getting in the middle of other peoples' relationships. It's the same with MIL in this case. You can't bring people who have fractured back together by meddling and manipulated, so the OP's mil is on a hiding to nothing and damaging her relationship with son & DIL in the process. If you don't like being piggy in the middle (as I was in a very acrimonious family break up so I speak from bitter experience), get out of the way and leave them to sort it out.

OP - I was NC with an immediate family member for about 6 years before they died, had my sons during that period but decided not to reestablish contact. Person concerned died before my kids were old enough to understand. We talk about the person now if the need arises but I know I made the right decision. The person concerned was an incredibly disruptive and destructive influence in my life and had no sense of boundaries. Opening the door for even occasional contact would never have been enough & we would have been bombarded with requests for more. I think a lot of the posters here suggesting you make up mean well, but have clearly never had someone like my relative and your SIL in their lives. It's frightening how much of a wrecking ball one person hellbent on having their way can take to lives of significant others around them. I don't think anyone who hasn't experienced it is qualified to judge ir comment. Most people who go NC are at the end of the road in terms of trying to "make nice" and accommodate others' needs. I don't know anyone in a similar position who has taken this decision lightly.

OP - as others have said, I think its time to set some very clear boundaries for your MIL. She needs to decide whether forcing this issue is worth destroying her relationship with you & DH (& your kids by extension), because that's where she's headed. She needs to butt out big time. She will only hurt herself by pursuing this (futile) agenda.

My MIL has just ruined my wedding day.

I can't imagine I'm going to have anything to do with her, or my SIL or my BILS from now on.

Can't say I'm particularly bothered either!

YANBU! Stick to your guns. Your priority is your little family unit. Can't believe she's interfered. What is it with inlaws??!!

wish we

What on earth happened, wishwe?

I haven't seen my sil since the day DD2 was born, it will be 12 years next month. Nothing awful happened she just didn't bother with us or the DDs. I got tired of inviting her up, she lived half an hours walk away.

MIL was always telling us and the DDs how much SIL loved the DDs . MIL would bring up Christmas presents from SIL(I don't know who actually bought them). I would refuse them, if she couldn't be bothered to drive 5 minutes to see them, I had no interest.

I know she is married now but not where she lives or anything thing else. DH doesn't allow MIL to talk about her, mainly because it's all about how much SIL and her husband, who we have never met, love our girls blah blah.
The DDs know DH has a sister but aren't concerned about not knowing her.

Personally I would go NC with your MIL. Ignoring you in your own house and undermining you is a step too far.