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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really angry with MIL

133 replies

GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 10:48

OK, so a bit of background... we do not speak to SIL. We have very good reasons for not doing so. She caused a lot of trouble and hurt in my marriage and we were left with no choice but to cut her out. I don't want to rake it all up here, suffice to say the Mumsnet Jury agreed that we should cut her out as she was behaving like DH's wife and treating me as the OW.

We have given her ample opportunity to make amends over the years. All we have ever asked is that she apologises and we all move on. But she refuses to do so. In the time that we have not seen her, she has had a baby. Our DC know about the baby, but we never talk about SIL and the baby because we think they are too young to understand why we don't see them.

MIL came to stay with us recently. Last time she came, she spent the entire time (about 3 days) banging on to the DC about the baby and about SIL. After she left, DH called and had very strong words with her. He told her not to talk to the DC about SIL and the baby, that we would explain everything to them ourselves in good time.

So this time, she stayed a few days and - apart from not saying one word to me the whole time she was here, she spent all her time in the DC's bedroom. It turns out - again - she spent almost the entire time talking to them about SIL and the baby and showing them photos. I am furious. I feel she has completely undermined us. She was told in no uncertain terms not to talk to the DC about SIL and the baby, yet she did. I am livid.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
pudcat · 31/08/2013 11:24

Dh says she's 'shy' and doesn't speak much generally
What not even "good morning" "please and thank you". I am very shy but would not dream of being so rude.

Original poster
GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 11:25

I feel sorry for her, really I do. But if she really cared that much about her 'fractured' family, she should suggest that SIL apologises, rather than manipulating us into backing down.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 11:25

She'd always say "Good Morning", but that's about it.

OP posts:
ILetHimKeep20Quid · 31/08/2013 11:34

It all sounds really bloody petty, all this "she who mustn't be spoken about" and forcing an apology out of someone sounds pretty playground to me.

You need to find a level you can all function on, this isn't working.

Groovee · 31/08/2013 11:46

We don't speak to dh's SIL either. About 2 years ago, FIL told dh he needed to sort it out. Dh told him that it was too late and we weren't the ones in the wrong. He warned his dad about "choosing sides" saying that it would be the children who were hurt. We've not had as many issues since and we don't accept any invites in which they invite us to.

I know it hurts MIL and FIL that we no longer speak but we weren't the ones who constantly behaved badly.

LyraSilvertongue · 31/08/2013 11:47

Whatever the rights and wrongs about how mil feels, she should have respected your wishes in your own home. She was asked specifically not to talk to dc about sil and baby but chose to disregard that, which is unacceptable. She has to abide by YOUR wishes when it comes to YOUR children.

BoneyBackJefferson · 31/08/2013 11:57

ILetHimKeep20Quid

"she who mustn't be spoken about"

that's what happens when you cut someone out.

eatriskier · 31/08/2013 11:58

I seem to remember a similar post a while ago. was it you whos dcs were getting all excited about meeting the baby and upset when you had to tell them it wasn't happening, causing some behaviour problems with the dcs?

if so, then yanbu at all. mil is causing your kids upset.

definitely supervise access and it needs to be clear that if she cannot be civil to you she is not welcome in your house. that's basic manners and your dcs do not need to think that is acceptable behaviour.

QueenofKelsingra · 31/08/2013 12:00

how old are your DC? it is fair enough that you've made the decision not to see your SIL but it seems bizarre to try and stop your DCs from knowing of their existence. a simple 'yes you have an aunt and a cousin but some times families don't all get along and we don't see them' would suffice surely? or amended to suit whatever age they are?

Viking1 · 31/08/2013 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 12:53

Of course the DC should know about the baby, but for instance MIL brought presents for the DC from the baby. I thought this was very devious.

OP posts:
ILetHimKeep20Quid · 31/08/2013 13:06

She's seeing her family torn in two, has grandchildren who have never met each other, it's probably really dragging her down.

Something needs to give.

Why can't your husband , his children, sister, nephew or niece and mother be allowed a relationship where you don't need to be involved!

Original poster
GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 13:09

ILetHimKeep20Quid, that is what SIL would like, me sidelined completely. How on earth is that a good idea?

OP posts:
Original poster
GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 13:11

Oh, and ILetHimKeep20Quid they are our children, not 'his' children.

OP posts:
DorisIsWaiting · 31/08/2013 13:11

Am I missing something?

Surely the DC are able to understand that they have a cousin but you do not see them as Aunty X, has been very nasty in the past. MIL sees both sets of GC so has pictures. They will be interested as children are but it is easily dealt with. "No we won't be able to meet with them".

My dc have cousins in the USA they've met once (my eldest dc is 8) It doesn't bother them that we don't see them they have seen pictures and are interested but just accept this is how it is.

Why must there be a she who must not be named atmosphere? You don't see her or her child stop giving MIL an easy wind up.

(As an aside MIL WBU to go against your wishes but then your wishes are slightly odd)

Original poster
GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 13:13

Because I don't want our DC to see us as 'the bad guys'. After all, we are the ones not allowing contact.

OP posts:
ILetHimKeep20Quid · 31/08/2013 13:13

Why not?

He was part of that family before he met you and for whatever reason you aren't fitting in, which happens. Your relationship is with your husband, not his family. As nice as it is when everyone gets on, it isn't always possible.

So why should no one have a relationship ?

Original poster
GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 13:14

So you think it's OK to say, "I don't like your wife so she should not be at any family functions". Seriously? You think that's OK?

OP posts:
ILetHimKeep20Quid · 31/08/2013 13:15

Our children yes, but still have a place in his family with it without you being there.

ILetHimKeep20Quid · 31/08/2013 13:17

No, it's not OK as in its not the optimum set up. But why should everyone lose out? Just step back, leave them to it.

Original poster
GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 13:17

Why should I be excluded? I've done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
MorphyBrown · 31/08/2013 13:17

Do you think they cut off the SIL for fun? They had strong reasons.

I remember her last visit. She filled their heads with 'when they visit the new baby.' She used them to put pressure on you and your DH. You had your child crying because he wanted to see the baby didn't you?

ivykaty44 · 31/08/2013 13:17

if you hav a guest to stay and they blank you the whole time then,best not invite them again

kickassangel · 31/08/2013 13:28

I would agree that mil is out of order as it seems deliberately divisive and undermining.

Having said that, please rethink your strategy for how you deal with this with dc.
Dh comes from a family where his parents cut his step sister out. Dh was 14. Her name has never been spoken again, we pretend he was an only child etc. it is all incredibly stressful and damaging.

We have stayed in contact with step sis, she was always open with her kids, told them about the family that didn't speak to them, showed them pictures.

Her kids are far more emotionally well balanced than dh. 30 years of not talking about the sister is like a cancerous growth lurking under the surface whenever we're around mil.

I understand that sil has caused some real pain, but I think you need to move beyond that. Let the children know that she exists. Tell them that she really upset you both, and that you don't want to see her as she was mean in front of them last time. If mil mentions her, then you have a set of expectations to refer to, yes she exists, but she was mean. It's ok to talk about her, but there will have to be a lot of time and thought before there is any more contact etc etc.

That would take away a lot of the impact of mil, who can currently tell them any story she wishes.

Mil ignoring you is a whole other issue, but it will take a lot for your dh to move beyond his childhood conditioning to see how much she cuts you out.

EST0106 · 31/08/2013 13:30

"I don't like your wife so she should not be at any family functions".

But I thought it was you that had blocked contact not your SIL. I'm not familiar with previous post but agree with other posters that it all seems a bit much to not even be allowed to mention her or the baby. You can't just erase people from your life, especially family, even if you'd like to. You've still not said how old your children are.