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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really angry with MIL

133 replies

GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 10:48

OK, so a bit of background... we do not speak to SIL. We have very good reasons for not doing so. She caused a lot of trouble and hurt in my marriage and we were left with no choice but to cut her out. I don't want to rake it all up here, suffice to say the Mumsnet Jury agreed that we should cut her out as she was behaving like DH's wife and treating me as the OW.

We have given her ample opportunity to make amends over the years. All we have ever asked is that she apologises and we all move on. But she refuses to do so. In the time that we have not seen her, she has had a baby. Our DC know about the baby, but we never talk about SIL and the baby because we think they are too young to understand why we don't see them.

MIL came to stay with us recently. Last time she came, she spent the entire time (about 3 days) banging on to the DC about the baby and about SIL. After she left, DH called and had very strong words with her. He told her not to talk to the DC about SIL and the baby, that we would explain everything to them ourselves in good time.

So this time, she stayed a few days and - apart from not saying one word to me the whole time she was here, she spent all her time in the DC's bedroom. It turns out - again - she spent almost the entire time talking to them about SIL and the baby and showing them photos. I am furious. I feel she has completely undermined us. She was told in no uncertain terms not to talk to the DC about SIL and the baby, yet she did. I am livid.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
forehead · 31/08/2013 13:31

However justified the Op's actions are. She will always be seen as the bad guy. I do have some sympathy with your mil, no one wants their dtcs to be at loggerheads. However, she should have respected your wishes .
Btw, if my mil was staying at my home and refused to speak to me , I would have been pissed off.

Original poster
GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 13:33

Thanks kickassangel, you've summed it all up very well. Sorry to hear about your DH's Step-sis, that's very sad.

I don't mind the DC knowing about the SIL and the baby, but I don't want MIL banging on about them constantly when she is here. It feels like the only reason she comes to stay with us is to brainwash the DC.

Also, the presents... what do we do with them? As much as I hate SIL for the things she has done over the years, I don't have the heart to send them back. But if we keep them, then I feel the DC should write Thank You letters, but that would be resuming contact.

I don't know what to do...

OP posts:
Mckayz · 31/08/2013 13:35

OP was it your DH that had health problems and SIL changed appointments and kicked off about you going with your DH to his appointments?

If so then IMO you've done the right thing.

Your children should be told that yes she exists but that sometimes adults don't get on.

whattodoo · 31/08/2013 13:39

Can't the children send thank you letters to their cousin? How old are your DC?

TidyDancer · 31/08/2013 13:40

I think it would be quite wrong of you to not let your DCs know they have a cousin, even if they don't see said cousin. I speak as someone who was not allowed contact with family for arbitrary reasons, and only in my adult years have I been able to put it right. I think MIL is doing a good thing in facilitating a future relationship, as when your DCs and SIL's baby are older they will be able to choose contact for themselves.

However, if MIL is actuvely choosing not to speak to you, that's another issue and this is something you can certainly be annoyed about (just make sure it's deliberate and not, as your DH says, shyness).

I think you need to be honest with your DCs about their baby cousin and allow the topic to be raised in front of them. The unspoken isn't good for anyone.

ILetHimKeep20Quid · 31/08/2013 13:40

Should I be expected to know reasons not mentioned?

Based on this post it all seems very petty and easily sorted out. As it is to avoid one person feeling excluded the whole family is split in two and at loggerheads. It would be easier for the op to stop being obstructive, take a step out of it and let her dh and his family resume contact.

WingDefence · 31/08/2013 13:42

OP I'm in a similar situation to you. My brother and SIL have stopped talking to our DPs, me and my family and our extended family. I shan't hijack your thread though as it'd be a long story to explain.

I have had DD (5mo) since this happened and my Bro hasn't acknowledged her existence, much to my sadness.

But my parents have seen my DNiece and DNephew and they really wanted to show them pictures of their new DCousin. So they did. And I wanted them to as well because in my eyes our DC shouldn't suffer because us adults aren't talking (and we've tried over and over to talk to my Bro and SIL). My DS loves his DCousins and I want DD to have some relationship with them on any level.

Why should your DCs not find out about the baby? They are children - let them have a relationship with their DCousin.

Original poster
GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 13:43

So ILetHimKeep20Quid, you think it's acceptable for one family member (ie me) to be excluded because another family member (ie SiL) doesn't like them?

Are you my SIL?

OP posts:
ILetHimKeep20Quid · 31/08/2013 13:46

I think if it's the fact you and sil aren't getting on that's preventing a grandmother even being allowed to mention all her grandchildren and cousins not knowing each other then I don't think it's too outrageous to suggest that person steps aside and allows her in laws to get on with having some form of a relationship.

Original poster
GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 13:46

WingDefence, please feel free to hijack, as I think there are lots of people in this situation.

They are children - let them have a relationship with their DCousin.

Unfortunately, because this will mean having a relationship with SIL and I don't think our marriage would survive that.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 13:48

ILetHimKeep20Quid, if anyone should be excluded, it should be her. After all, she is the one who causes all the trouble.

OP posts:
Mintyy · 31/08/2013 13:51

I don't know why but I have a bit of sympathy for your mil as well. I certainly think you are being extremely unfair to expect her to intervene on your behalf with your sil.

ILetHimKeep20Quid · 31/08/2013 13:52

But it doesn't have to involve you...

I can't stand dh's brother. He's been beyond rude to me in the past. Thankfully he lives a days driving away so seeing him often isn't an issue. My children know him, when he visits they go with my husband to see him at mils. He's just had a baby, my dc know they are cousins and we've talked about it. I just don't put myself in the middle of dhs family and expect to be pandered to. I let them get on with it. And once every couple of years I grin and bear it and get through Christmas day. It's not my place to dictate how their family works, I have a choice and I choose not to get involved.

EST0106 · 31/08/2013 13:52

I don't see why you would have to have a relationship with SIL for your children to. Surely you mil could take the to visit, or they could meet at her home? I'm sure there is a sensible solution but it sounds a bit like you are not interested in finding it.

Mintyy · 31/08/2013 13:53

It just sounds like you want it all to be your way or the highway. Are you sure you aren't being too rigid/stubborn about this?

WingDefence · 31/08/2013 13:53

When the baby is old enough, perhaps your DCs can have a sort of penpal relationship so the SIL wouldn't have to fully be involved?

Original poster
GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 13:54

I don't expect her to intervene Mintyy, she is intervening... by trying to force us (through the DC) to back down.

And yes, I feel awful for her. Also, FIL recently had cancer and apparently he was crying and saying, "what has happened to my family."

That breaks my heart Sad

OP posts:
ILetHimKeep20Quid · 31/08/2013 13:54

But it's her family. Her mother, her brother. She has more of a place among them than you do. You don't have to take your place up. Let then meet up, build a relationship.

ILetHimKeep20Quid · 31/08/2013 13:56

That's really sad and all your doing from what I've read. Seriously, make an old, ill man happy and butt out. Your the daughter in law, she is their daughter.

Original poster
GreetingsFrontBottom · 31/08/2013 13:57

Again, why should I be excluded? I've done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
ILetHimKeep20Quid · 31/08/2013 13:59

But the whole set up isn't working with you being included. What have you to lose by not being included with people you are only connected to through marriage to allow the rest of them to get on?

Mintyy · 31/08/2013 14:00

Oh, I thought you said it would be helpful if she persuaded sil to apologise to you.

You cannot be entirely blameless in this scenario. Sorry but I just don't buy that.

Ablababla · 31/08/2013 14:03

I grew up in a family like this where my mum cutting out her SIL, it had horrible effect on my family. I've lost a lot of time when I could have been having a relationship with my lovely cousins and it caused stress in my DGrandparents last years. Both DM and aunt are strong personalities and tbh I can see fault on both sides. My DM does feel wronged and maybe she was to an extent but I do wish she could have sucked if up for all our sakes. You may feel you need justice (and an apology) for whatever SIL did but as toxic as she might be you might have to find a compromise in order for all the other people in you family to have good relationships.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 31/08/2013 14:09

I doubt Greeting cut her sil out of her life on a whim. If the relationship was toxin and abusive then ultimately no contact is a way of protecting your family.

EST0106 · 31/08/2013 14:09

OP, I get why you feel that you shouldn't be the one excluded because you've done nothing wrong, however, it does sound a bit childish and petty. Can you not be the bigger person here? Lots of families don't get on, in fact my parents have fallen out with aunt and uncle and although my mother is now dead my step father refuses to go to their home/any events etc, he never would and never has stopped me going though.