to be really angry with MIL

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OK, so a bit of background... we do not speak to SIL. We have very good reasons for not doing so. She caused a lot of trouble and hurt in my marriage and we were left with no choice but to cut her out. I don't want to rake it all up here, suffice to say the Mumsnet Jury agreed that we should cut her out as she was behaving like DH's wife and treating me as the OW.

We have given her ample opportunity to make amends over the years. All we have ever asked is that she apologises and we all move on. But she refuses to do so. In the time that we have not seen her, she has had a baby. Our DC know about the baby, but we never talk about SIL and the baby because we think they are too young to understand why we don't see them.

MIL came to stay with us recently. Last time she came, she spent the entire time (about 3 days) banging on to the DC about the baby and about SIL. After she left, DH called and had very strong words with her. He told her not to talk to the DC about SIL and the baby, that we would explain everything to them ourselves in good time.

So this time, she stayed a few days and - apart from not saying one word to me the whole time she was here, she spent all her time in the DC's bedroom. It turns out - again - she spent almost the entire time talking to them about SIL and the baby and showing them photos. I am furious. I feel she has completely undermined us. She was told in no uncertain terms not to talk to the DC about SIL and the baby, yet she did. I am livid.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading.

I should probably update my old thread with the full story if anyone's interested..?

But one of the things she did was go around telling guests that the wedding finished at 9pm, so could they please hurry up and finish their drinks.

She and FIL then left at 8.40pm before the cake was even cut.

By 9.10pm there were 22 guests left (out of 54). Not enough to have an atmosphere and before the buffet was put out or the entertainment started.

Best bit - 8 of those guests were staying in our hotel, so ended up back at the hotel, having drinks in the hotel bar til 11pm, talking about how lovely our wedding was, but what a shame it closed so early!

She also secretly brought her own flowers to the church (in a completely different colour to our flowers) and pinned them on everyone on groom's side, with no offered to our side, also covering up the expensive buttonholes my mum had paid for. This was done just before I arrived, so my family and friends were all like (luckily I didn't notice and didn't find out until after the event!)

Oh and she put my wedding bouquet in a pint of beer to 'keep it fresh' (before our official couple photos) so the white satin is stained and beer dripped down my gown.

I could cheerfully kill her

But that's enough of a hijack sorry OP!!!! (and OP, you are still not being unreasonable!)

ilethim that's really sad that your dh lets that happen. Anyone who wants a relationship with me or my children, as a minimum, needs to be polite and friendly to the (really nice) man I choose to spend my life with. If someone doesn't care about me enough to do that obviously isn't worth my time.

Luckily my family are nice people so have no problem doing that. I believe that my parents genuinely like my dh. But if they didn't They would still respect him as the man I love and the father of their grandchildren.

It's a personality thing. I don't like him, he doesn't like me. We had figured this out before the kids came along. Dh doesn't particularly like him either. So rather than get all drama about it I'd rather avoid him when it arises but not put anyone in a uncomfortable and unnecessary situation.

He's only around a couple of times a year. Mil gets her sons and grandchildren together, I go get my nails done, no drama.

So you send off YOUR family off to BIL/family to have a nice time without you, what does that teach your kids...its ok to treat mum like that cos she will back off and dad wont stand up for her. Its ok to leave her out to not involve you. ouch.

Dreadful.

I just would not feel comfortable swanning back home with my poor DH left out and un wanted back at home .

Sadly families fracture. Its probably everyones worst nightmare who is involved in it, I am sure that op would much rather she had married into a family where everyone got along. Life is much easier when people get along or obey simple curtesies.

I am astonished at how lightly people are taking ops repeated statement that her marriage has been put under enormous strain.

Op I think you have been very brave to take the radical descion to cut this woman out of your lives and I agree it should be sister who has to deal with the pressure of understanding her behaviours has caused this rift.

The problem is, your MIL loves her DD. She does not understand the problems she has caused in your marriage and she probably thinks you and your DH are being OTT or silly or selfish. she is not you.

I have a dynamic where PILS and SIL have been out rageous, my DF has witnessed it all, but amazingly he still told someone I was being OTT and belittled my problems with them. He just cannot grasp or understand my Point of view. I suspect that your MIL cannot understand yours either and probably never will.

I would be nice and kind to her and say this to her, I don't expect you to understand how I feel,and I appreciate you have sided with your daughter, but I value my marriage and the security of my marriage and the children born within that marriage higher than anything else on this planet. I will not let it be jeopardised.

I cut my father off and offered him the chance to apologise or be done with our relationship - he chose the latter. I wouldn't let my son near him even for five minutes because I know that he has re-written history in his head, would try to manipulate him, make him feel bad about himself or tell him lies about me that would confuse him, and there is no reason to expose him to that just because we happen to be related. Children rely on their parents to protect them from malign influences and there are so many unexpected ones that eliminating known negative elements just makes sense. When my son is older, I will explain the situation to him, but that is down to me and nobody else, especially not someone with an ulterior motive. I don't intend to go into gory details, just to tell him that his 'other' grandfather made me sad which is really the bare bones of it.
Sorry OP - that turned into a bit of a rant, but my point is that you are not being unreasonable to not put up and shut up for the sake of someone who doesn't even have the common courtesy to speak to you when you are welcoming them into your home. Your children need to know that your family are a unit, not a disparate group who can be scattered by the appalling behaviour of someone else and not a group which rewards spiteful and mean behaviour in others by giving in to them and letting them have their way. Others may have personality clashes which they address by avoiding being in the same room, but wilful cruelty is another matter and should not be allowed to go unchecked just for the sake of a façade of family harmony.

Well said DoJo!

Yoni - in your own situation, is your DF your fiancé? Are you sure you want to stay with him if he is not taking your side at all in this, because he might never change and you will be stuck with the situation forever (or until one of you decides to leave).

Men who don't stand up for their wives/partners, especially when they've witnessed bad behaviour towards her, aren't much cop IMO.

My Dad's mum wasn't at all nice to my mum - Dad was from "oop north" and Mum from London, and grandma didn't like that she was a southerner. She was pretty rude to her the first time they went up to stay and Dad told her that they would leave and never return if she carried on like that. Fortunately for her, she did mend her ways, although she was never what you might call nice to Mum, she toned it down enough to be bearable and was mostly civil at least.