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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my son is heading for a hefty fall?

145 replies

Helovesmehelovesmenot · 30/08/2013 20:55

My DS who is soon to be 21 is heading of to UNI in London next weekend but he has NO money saved even though he has worked for nearly 2 years, his loan only just covers his rent £170 per week and he cannot get a grant as apparently we earn too much, I would beg to differ as we have always lived to our means we have no spare cash to help him out. He will arrive in London without a penny to his name and a promise of food parcels from his dad for three months ( all we can run to I am afraid) and we will not send him cash as he will smoke and drink it. ( who wouldn't at that age) I am just thinking he should have stayed at work and not bothered at all, but he thinks London streets are paved with gold. Are there plenty of bar jobs down there in Camden as that is about all he can do?

OP posts:

WetAugust · 30/08/2013 21:04

He'll probably claim to be estranged from his parents and thus qualify for the full loan

froken · 30/08/2013 21:05

I thought you were supposed to support your dc through university if you didn't earn a low enough amount to get a grant?

catinabox · 30/08/2013 21:07

Right. As a student in London, this is what i'd suggest. Firstly, get out of costly uni accommodation. Go to private letting agents in zone 3 or 4 areas. Rent a room in a family home or house share. There is lots of part time flexible work around but you have to be really proactive and look for it.

Try not to live in the bubble of Uni life, he will get a much better broader experience, it will be cheaper, more interesting and he will develop more independent living skills. Yes it can be a little bit more lonely at times but at the same time it becomes easier to separate social life and study.

The Uni bubble is ridiculous. people end up driving themselves into debt, partying all the time and getting a really narrow experience.

There are telesales jobs, working in the care industry, play and youth work, cafes, bars, supermarkets. He might need to think about looking outside the trendy areas which will be competitive.

Original poster

Helovesmehelovesmenot · 30/08/2013 21:08

He has the full loan and that is all taken up with rent he cannot get a non refundable grant however, he has already put us on his forms and we had to sponsor him even though we have no intention of giving him any support but as he lived at this address it was the only way. He will have no way of paying for his phone contract food going out unless he gets a job. Hold on a bit like me then, maybe at 21 It is time he had this amount of responsibility.

OP posts:

bsc · 30/08/2013 21:09

Do you think you should be supporting your son?

WorrySighWorrySigh · 30/08/2013 21:11

So, he has worked for 2 years and has no savings. Has he lived with you for the last two years? If so, was he paying board and lodging to you or was he keeping all the money for himself? Has he been supporting himself?

Basically if he has been supporting himself then it isnt surprising that he has no savings. If you have been supporting him for the last two years then dont you think your housekeeping cost are going to reduce now that he is moving out?

Was he doing bar work for the past 2 years? If so then he should have built up some skills and experience there.

It is hard to judge whether you are being unreasonable but in your post you dont sound very supportive of your 20 year old son.

CuthbertDibble · 30/08/2013 21:11

In that case he'll have to get a job, it will be a huge wake up call but I'm sure he'll be fine.

Original poster

Helovesmehelovesmenot · 30/08/2013 21:11

BSC no I do not he gave up a perfectly good job to go and do a bit of a crappy degree just so he could live in London, at his age I think my days of financial support are well and truly over.

OP posts:

maddening · 30/08/2013 21:13

I got a student loan and my parents helped with the rest as the student loan plus weekend/holiday work didn't cover it.

Why are you not supporting him?

Original poster

Helovesmehelovesmenot · 30/08/2013 21:13

Worry he has paid board to us all the time over the past 2 years we are not well off. We needed his board I am not sure how they work out the grant thing but we truly cannot afford to keep him in beer cannabis and pot noodles!

OP posts:

bsc · 30/08/2013 21:14

That's fine, if you think that way, however, you're coming across as a bit gloaty about the way he's going to struggle.

Surely as parents, it is our job to teach our children sound financial management skills, before they come to the point of leaving home?

catinabox · 30/08/2013 21:14

Good for you...good for him.

Sorry to be harsh, and i'll probably get flamed for this but if he can make a success of this then he'll be sorted long term.

I did it at the same age. Minimal parental support (Zero financial) and have been employed ever since. Nothing like needing to be self sufficient to get you on your feet!

If he's been working for a few years already the job market for him will be easier to access. Good for you all. I get bollocked off listening to entitled young people having it all on a plate and not appreciating a thing.

The supermarkets do a student card that can be topped up weekly, you can specify that only food can be purchased if you are planning to help him with that.

Get him to start looking for work NOW!

StanleyLambchop · 30/08/2013 21:15

a bit of a crappy degree

QuintessentialOldDear · 30/08/2013 21:15

Not sure why he put you on his forms. As he is over 18 he should apply without you on the forms, as he is an adult, and he will get means tested on HIMSELF, not you.

Blissx · 30/08/2013 21:15

Don't you sound lovely, OP.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 30/08/2013 21:15

So you are resenting the fact that your income stream is leaving then.

PoppyAmex · 30/08/2013 21:16

OP my DD is 17 months so I have zero experience with adult children, but I find your posts very strange; it sounds like you want your child to fail?

Original poster

Helovesmehelovesmenot · 30/08/2013 21:18

BSC I am not gloating, well not really, I just think that he has not listened to our advice our other children have all managed to look after them selves and we bout them up the same, he will just not listen to sound advice, so yes I suppose I am a bit gloaty, I just don't want to end up owing thousands of pounds as we have to be a guarantee for his accomodation.

OP posts:

bsc · 30/08/2013 21:20

Then really, as his parents, you should have been taking some of that 'board' he paid you for the last 2 years, and putting it aside in a savings account. Even if he'd had no plan to study, it could have gone on driving lessons, or deposit to move out of home.
If you know he's hopeless with money, wouldn't that have been a good thing to do- enforced saving?

Original poster

Helovesmehelovesmenot · 30/08/2013 21:20

Worry, the 60 quid a month was not exactly an income stream, we made all ourkids pay something to teach them that nothing comes for free, I resent your remark

OP posts:

holidaysarenice · 30/08/2013 21:21

QuintessentialOldDear you are wrong. Unis won't means test as independent until 25 occassionally 21. Or things like kids or evidence of self supporting for x years, depends on area.

Otherwise its based on parental income. So slc assume that u have the cash to help.

MoominMammasHandbag · 30/08/2013 21:21

I have friends whose parents were on a good income and didn't support them through Uni. 30 years on they are still miffed by it. Think on OP.

Original poster

Helovesmehelovesmenot · 30/08/2013 21:22

BSC no I had no one save money for me and what exactly would that teach him?

OP posts:

QuintessentialOldDear · 30/08/2013 21:22

Maybe it is different in different universities? My friends daughter is self supporting at 20, and so means tested on her own.

FatimaLovesBread · 30/08/2013 21:22

quint you would think but even though an 18 year old is classed as an adult they are still assessed on their parents income.
I moved out to uni at 18 and then never moved back home, I lived with my DP and they still assessed me on my parents income.

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